Anything BUT lonely!

I realize my last post may have implied that coming back to Austin made me lonely, but I assure you I've been anything but lonely! I was flipping through an old poetry book my dad had given me back in high school and just loved that poem.

Kiss My Croaker ended well. It was one of those rare trips that I wanted to go on forever. Still, all good things must come to an end. Here is a picture of our group on the beach for the 4th of July:


The five housemates from the Pirate House reunited on this trip. This has been the first time all five of us have been in one place since May of 2006!

Finally, a few of us snuck out of the cabin after everyone else was asleep. Late night fun with sparklers.

I've been settling back into a nice schedule of teaching yoga and school. Between my regular classes and subbing, I'm up to teaching about 5-6 classes a week. It has been good catching up with Austin friends too. I've been taking full advantage of the shows at the Alamo Drafthouse this week.

My shoulder is improving. I begin physical therapy next week. I've also started practicing yoga again. This morning I attended a yoga class, subbed a class, then drove down to Barton Springs. It was the first time I've gone to Barton Springs alone. I just felt like spending some time on my own, to read and work on my paper. The temperature was over 100 degrees, and it was just sweltering! I was reading a book I borrowed from my advisor titled "Self-Esteem, Issues and Answers." This led a perfect stranger, M from Boston, to approach me and we engaged in an absolutely fabulous conversation about identity and mindfulness. When the heat got a little too much to handle, I went for a quick dip in the 70 degree water. The water was GLORIOUS!

Unfortunately, my laptop could only take so much of the heat so I couldn't spend the entire day at the springs. I have a feeling the rest of my summer weekends will be spent outside, either at the springs, or tubing on the Guadalupe river, or at Gehr's lakehouse. *sigh* I wish the summer would never end!

Tonight I'm going downtown for sushi with some good friends. At some point, I suppose I have to start packing. I move to a new apartment in exactly 2 weeks!

Alone

"When I'm alone" -- the words tripped off his tongue

As though to be alone were nothing strange.

"When I was young," he said; "when I was young...."

I thought of age, and loneliness, and change.

I thought how strange we grow when we're alone,

And how unlike the selves that meet and talk,

And blow the candles out, and say good night.

Alone....The word is life endured and known.

It is the stillness where our spirits walk

And all but inmost faith is overthrown.

~Seigfried Sassoon

Tales from the Road, Part 2

Today was the perfect day. I woke up at around 10 and just spent some time reading and journaling. I planned a yoga sequence, checked my email, and registered for a class and filled out some online paperwork for school. Everyone had left the cabin so all was just quiet and calm. Later I went on a walk with friends and frolicked on the beach. After a late lunch (at 4pm!!) we went back to the beach where I read and took a nap. I collected a bag full of seashells and surfed the waves. Back to the house, dinner, and evening activities. All in all a full but exhausting day.

I really want to live by the coast some day. I'm not talking about freshwater coast, but the ocean coast. Something about the waves and the salty water really appeals to me. You know how sometimes a setting just "clicks" with you? I've been reading the book "Eat Pray Love" and the author was saying how sometimes a location or a culture just share the same "word" as you. I love nature, but no matter what I try: hiking, mountaining, flying, skydiving... I feel like I'm doing something temporary. Like, it was fun and I'm done with that activity. But out by the ocean, it just feels like home. When we walked by the beach in the dark last night, it felt like home. It still felt like home today in the daylight. Maybe I'm a silly romantic, but I peered out into the waves last night and marveled at the idea that I'm wading in the same ocean that is mentioned in all the history and folklore.

Tomorrow my friend Lily is trying to get everyone up to watch the sunrise at 5:30. At this point I'm contemplating an all-nighter...

Tales from the Road, Part 1

Arrived safely and sound in our cabin on the Outer Banks. Out of all our trips, this one is the prettiest cabin so far. Doesn't hurt we're less than a quarter mile from the Atlantic Ocean.

My Ann Arbor trip was good. Spent a lot of time with Marta, going on walks, accompanying Ethan to the playground. I love my new friends in Austin, but it was nice hanging out with people who have known me for years and years again.

Can't believe how much Ethan has grown since I last saw him. He's no longer a baby, but a toddler now. Despite my injured shoulder, I couldn't resist picking him up and playing with him. That, along with yoga, may have worsened my condition. It started throbbing Thursday night and I had Marta look at it for me on Friday morning. She told me the alignment seemed off to me and asked me if it was possibly dislocated. I laughed and told her it was impossible. That may have been mistake number one.


Friday afternoon Jon, Jessi, Amanda, and I caravaned in two cars from Ann Arbor toward DC where we'd meet up with 5 more from the gang: Mel, Lily, Sarah, Sarah, and Dan. The first leg of the trip was fairly uneventful minus one of us decided to relieve ourself on the side of the road unknowingly less than 500 yards before a rest area, as well as missing a turn and ending up in Annpolis at 2am.

We took off the next day, 9 of us in 3 different cars and headed toward North Carolina. Traffic was a little crazy, so we decided to take local roads for part of the trip. That took us by Best Buy where we decided to hop out and purchase Wii Rockband for the trip.

During this part of the trip, I became convinced there was something very very wrong with my shoulder and started freaking out a little. Still, we had 7 or so hours before arriving at our destination so as a compromise, the car I was in would at an ER about one hour away from our cabin. This was the last time I've been spotted with full use of both arms:

It turns out my shoulder is NOT dislocated. Rather, I have an AC separation (otherwise known as a shoulder separation). Stage 3 requires surgery. Luckily, I came in at stage either 1 or 2 (I have to schedule a visit with the orthopaedist when I go home). Now for the rest of the week, my arm is in a sling and I'm constantly on either vicodin or tylenol codeine. On my doctor's note, it emphasized that I need to not practice yoga for at least 7 days. Besides my inability to boogey board in the ocean, drum in rock band, or practice yoga, it's nice to be taken care of on this trip. More to come...

Good to be home.

Picture of the cabin we rented this year. Can't wait to get there on Saturday!!

It's good to be home. I'm at day 6 of being home with the parents and am actually a little sad to be leaving them this afternoon for Ann Arbor. (But just a little, because I'm heading to North Carolina tomorrow for my annual Kiss My Vacation...) Besides jarring discoveries such as the no longer-existence of Farmer Jack and replacement of old buildings and shops with new ones, home is the same as always.

Home is restful. I've been catching up on movies all week. In college and post college, my dad was always one step behind me in what movies we've seen. Now, our roles are flipped. This week I've watched Shaolin Soccer, Bourne Ultimatum, Ocean's Thirteen, Prince Caspian, August Rush, and the Bucket List. I try to work on research during the day (sometimes successful, sometimes not), practice some gentle yoga at home (still nursing that shoulder), and go on a daily walk with the parents (they are the only people I know who goes on walks at Meijer). Oh and I've been eating warm homecooked food (hope I still fit into my swimsuit!)

It's been good seeing everyone again, too. I hung out with the youth group a few times, went to Marti's wedding shower, and grabbed drinks with Lena. Tonight Marta, Lena, and I are going to relive our girl's nights days before I reunite with the Kiss My Gang.

Good news though! I just found out today that I got hired as a yoga instructor at the yoga studio where I practice!! Apparently as a sub/yoga instructor I get free unlimited classes. No more mopping floors or taking out recycling to pay for my classes!! I may ask to stay permanently on the sub list at 24 hour fitness and concentrate on teaching at UT and at my studio. My hope is to rack up enough teaching hours to work toward my 500 hour teaching certification (after I graduate, of course).

Couldn't resist posting this comic strip. Seriously the story of my life.

Frozen Shoulder

I haven't been able to use my left shoulder in almost a week.

Last week I reinjured my left rotator cuff. It wasn't such a bad injury so I continued to use it like normal and practice yoga, taking care to ice it and massage it with icy hot each night. Sunday I felt better and pushed myself a little too hard in yoga. Monday I could no longer extend my left arm back or even clasp my hands behind my back.

It's been a frustrating week since my left hand (and consequently arm and shoulder) is dominant. My injury has impaired my ability to make sharp left turns while driving, carry my bags on my left side, and perform simple chores such as sweeping and mopping. Not to mention I am not able to practice yoga at all. (Elliptical workouts are still okay as long as I don't swing my arm).

Yet, through the frustrations, it's been self-revealing and an opportunity for growth. I realize that I've started become goal oriented rather than process oriented, and this injury is forcing me to step back and reevaluate my purpose for doing things. It's also helping me to break through patterns and habits I've established and to rediscover my own rhythm and my own style. It's also a timely injury. I leave for vacation tomorrow and have the opportunity to rest and recuperate!!

Guess who I get to see in less than 2 weeks????

Surprise visit from old friends

I've been a bit homesick for my friends and family from back home. Memorial Day weekend, Amanda flew down to Texas to visit me (post pictures on facebook redheaded girl!!!) and this week, two other friends from my posse I affectionately call the Kiss My Gang surprised me by swinging by Austin on their cross country road trip to San Fran.

They arrived Monday night and asked me to "show them Austin." Considering that no (straight) clubs are open on Monday because no one goes out on a Monday night, I did my best and as a result am still recovering from sleep deprivation.

Pictures I stole off their blog:

Dinner at Hula Hut
Cover band at Chuggin' Monkey
Us at Gingerman

Refinement

Life is settling down. I've started coming into the office albeit still more sporadically than I'd like. Work and meetings are starting to kick off and I'm reminded of why I do like grad school. My yoga career is starting to take off and I'm grateful to be paid to teach classes. I'm loving teaching yoga, though I'm still learning how to balance grad school and yoga.

I'm currently writing a review paper on self-enhancement, or the desire to be seen favorably. Part of my discussion comes from a cultural angle, and it's gotten me thinking about the western phenomenon of desiring greatness. Our culture in America socializes us to desire greatness, to "make something of our life" and to be more than ordinary. We take setbacks and failures and fabricate a grandiose reason for them in order to continue seeking greatness in our lives. Yet, is it a bad thing to be ordinary?

By definition, very few people are really able to rise above ordinary for everyone cannot be extraordinary. Sometimes I think this desire for greatness hinders us from really living our lives and appreciating the simple things that we have because we keep eschewing the normal in search of something greater. I wonder if the desire for greatness is mutually exclusive with being a good steward of what we do have.

I grew up with grandiose dreams of being the best at something, whether it's singing, acting, ministry, worship leading, or even being the Psychologist who gives birth to a ground-breaking new theory. Yet no matter how I seek those things, I feel ultimately unfulfilled, even bitter, angry, and wanting a new life. In Austin, I've been meeting people who work ordinary everyday jobs (concierge work, waiting tables, retail, yoga instruction) and am struck by how well they do their jobs. They are good stewards of what they have and they use their talents to the max in the jobs they do. While they may not have dreams of grandeur (maybe they do, I don't know), they are able bless others incredibly by just being faithful at their jobs.

I cannot help but marvel at how different that looks from the way I live my life! As I look at the lives of Biblical characters such as Abraham, Job, Moses, David, Gideon, I'm struck by how God did amazing things through these people who never sought after greatness. Rather, their focus was solely on being faithful to the roles they were allotted in life.

It's taken years of refinement, of chasing after pipe dreams and facing disappointments and failures, but I'm finally beginning to learn my lesson of valuing faithfulness in the ordinary over the desire for greatness.

A Matter of the Heart

Yesterday I taught yoga to the staff of a children's hospice center. The women were some of the most wonderful people I've met. I led them in a gentle yin yoga practice, allowing them to explore different postures and focus on the inner thoughts and emotions that arose.

Posture after posture, asana after asana, I noticed that they had a tendency to round their shoulders, causing the chest and heart to sink inward rather than shine outward. When I adjusted their shoulders back, I heard audible sighs of relief.

There is something vulnerable about allowing our hearts to shine out. We see this in how people carry themselves: confident individuals stand tall, chests puffed out, while those who have been hurt or carry fear hunch over, protecting their hearts from exposure. Our physical condition is such a strong indication of our emotional, spiritual, and mental condition.

I noticed it in my own yoga practice not so long ago. The past few months I noticed that I struggled with heart openers almost to the point that they were painful to practice. I realized that this was a direct symptom of me trying to hide from introspection and coming to terms with some emotional and spiritual matters.

As I'm rereading through the Old Testament, it struck me how important our hearts are. Over and over again, God asks for our hearts and not our sacrifices (see Joel, Isaiah, Amos, 1 Samuel), to surrender our hearts to Him rather than seek Him according to our own understanding. It is when one is cut to the heart that true repentence occurs.

I spent years protecting my heart from vulnerability, and now I realize that it is through vulnerability that God can reach us and work in us. So now, I'm working with Him to chip away the protective barriers I've built over my heart, focusing my yoga practices on heart openers to physically and energetically facilitate that.

Silence

I woke up yesterday with no power in my condo after the biggest hailstorm so far this year. Pecan trees were in shambles all around Austin, car windows smashed, schools shut down. Besides worrying that my newly bought groceries would spoil (the blackout lasted about 24 hours) and having to drive to friends' apartments to shower, having no power was actually a blessing in disguise. Yesterday morning I read and journaled in absolute quiet. No radio, no internet, nothing was around to distract me.

Silence turns our attention inward. Silence allows us to see through the layers of distraction and observe who and where we really are. Silence forces us to face our emotions, our fears, our inner demons. Silence is a rarity in our fast-paced, information-seeking culture. Silence is a gift, a spiritual discipline, something I will take care to include in my daily routine from now on.

Recovering...

Still mentally, physically, and emotionally recovering from that last month of school.

I never thought I'd say this, but I think Texas just might be too hot and humid for me! I love 80-90 degree dry heat, but a fews days of humid, 100+ degree weather did me in. I'm constantly sleepy and dehydrated...

The Countdown Begins...

Only one paper and one final stand between me and normalcy... Come Wednesday evening, Tracy will be a FREE WOMAN!! (until the following Monday, that is...)

I have been sleeping with stacks of papers, books, and my laptop for a few weeks now. I can no longer see my bedroom floor and I avoid my school office since I can't seem to find the surface of my desk either. I'm REALLY looking forward to spring cleaning this Thursday and Friday.

Just as a random sidenote, I grew up hating mangoes - I tried it once in elementary school and just hated it after that. Growing up, my dad would chase me around the house trying to get me to try just one bite, but to no avail. This past month, I started craving mangoes. I don't know why - I literally haven't had a bite of the fruit since my age was in the single digits. HEB had an awesome mango sale this past weekend, and I just went to town with them. I have been eating at least a mango a day this past week and can't seem to get enough of them. Strange, no?

Anyway, finally I have pictures to share with y'all. My life in Austin:

Easter dinner with friends

Volleyball in the pool
I love Austin =)

The Love of Money

I had insomnia last night in a bad way.

I guess being burnt out at school (my last deadline is May 7!!!) has put me in a place where I'm more likely to sweat the little things. I was procrastinating last night, flipping through pictures of friends on Facebook who graduated from college the same year as me when it hit me. They have well-paying, steady jobs. They have money. I don't have money. I'm so poor.

Now, I know that I really have no grounds to complain. I have a roof over my head, I rarely go hungry - I have all my material needs. I look around my room and am overwhelmed by my material possessions. I have a car that gets me from point A to point B. I googled the poverty line and I am making above that. I'm eking by as a graduate student without having to take out student loans. I know that I am blessed.

Yet, last night, I just felt tired. I'm tired of budgeting every last cent. I'm tired of just ordering water when I go out with people so that I have money to buy groceries the next week. I'm tired of peanut butter jelly sandwiches. I'm tired of carrying school bags that have huge holes in them (although Les did hook me up with a hugely discounted Gap bag just last week - thanks Les!) and when I do finally venture to the mall that once a semester, I'm tired of forgoing the latest fashions for the Final Sale rack where I buy last year's look for less than $10. Most of all, I'm tired of having to be so vigilant about living within my means and being scared that I'll encounter car problems or other "unforseeables" that may put me in the red.

I struggle with materialism, I know. And having to switch to a grad student lifestyle, thus taking a paycut of over 50% this past year has been really hard for me. I wish I could travel and buy pretty clothes and eat at nice restaurants. But I can't. And I wonder sometimes if it's worth it - do I really love school that much? (And I really can't answer that question right now because until May 7, I pretty much hate school).

I also struggle with trust. I struggle with envy. So last night I laid wide awake in bed just struggling with all this. And it's silly. I've said before that I hope I'm never rich because I'm pretty certain I'd be irresponsible with money. I just never realized what a struggle for me being poor is. But the lack of financial stability builds trust. And the lack of material status symbols forces me to place my identity in what is real rather than what is temporary. And the sacrifices I am making now is building character and helping me to appreciate what I have when I do get a substantial paycheck again.

Of course I say all that now, but I don't yet own those statements. So for now, I'll just have to be okay with struggling. And praying. Hopefully in time, my faith will grow, my trust will strengthen, my envy will die off, and my desire for material goods with fade. If not, I have a long, long 4 years ahead of me...

Some thoughts...

Yesterday I got the okay from my yoga mentor to begin learning the Intermediate series of Ashtanga. I'm really excited.

I'm learning that until I take care of myself, I have nothing to give to others. I end up trying to receive more than give. I wish this was a lesson that I learned back in my InterVarsity days.

I finally turned on my keyboard this morning (first time since Thanksgiving!) and played and played. It's days like this when I think I'd just be happy immersing myself in music and yoga. But it's my burnout talking...

Decisions

"The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots." ~Oswald Chambers

Last week at community group while reading through Amos, I started asking the question, "what does it mean for me to seek God?" Sure I know the Sunday school answer, and sure I know the "long-term" answer, but as a graduate student, as a yogini, what does it look like for me to actually seek God from the time that I wake up in the morning to the time I rest my head on the pillow at night? Last night at community group, I started asking myself the question, "what does it look like to seek good?"

My school cut my summer funding in half, so now the money coming into my bank account will not be enough to pay all my bills each month, much less allow me any social life or even to cover emergencies such as car problems, etc. Good news though: last weekend after 8 months of training, I finally got my certification to teach yoga. This summer, I begin teaching yoga: I teach one class (volunteer position) at SafePlace, which is a battered women's shelter, and I teach another class (paid-position) at UT's rec center. Now I have to decide whether I'm going to apply for more paid yoga positions or to take out student loans this summer to keep afloat. Part of me wants to teach more, part of me feels like teaching more classes in addition to the research I'll be doing at school will leave me overcommitted and worn out by the fall. So... do I take out the loans and trust God to provide? And when is it trust and when is it laziness and irresponsibility to take no action to provide for myself?

There are decisions to be made. But rather than moving forward and autonomously making the practical decisions in my life, I realize that I cannot make them without first asking myself "is this seeking God" and "is this seeking good?"

Neat little optical illusion

Is the dancer spinning clockwise or counterclockwise?



If you see her spinning clockwise, you favor your right brain. If she's spinning counter-clockwise, you favor your left brain. Try doing mental arithmatic or reciting a poem in your head. Can you make her change directions depending on which side of the brain you are activating?

Mr. Sun

I had a rule when I lived in Michigan that until I'm burned once, I don't put sunscreen on. I actually went through a few summers without sunscreen. No more, no more. Skin cancer warnings aside, I found this past weekend that the sun is just a tad bit different below the Mason-Dixon line.

After rueing my pasty white complexion for the last few weeks, I decided to remedy that this weekend by reading at Barton Springs. I planned on applying sunscreen while I was there, but the weather kept vacillating between windy/chilly and hot/sunny. So...I forwent the sunscreen. But I paid a good $3 to get into Barton Springs, and I also had company, so by golly I stayed a good 4 1/2 hours outside. By the time I headed home my legs were a bit pink.

That night, my legs and shoulders turned lobster red. It hurt to walk, stand, and even sit. I limped my way to HEB and bought some aloe vera gel, but that did little ease the pain. I was bed-ridden all day on Sunday. It hurt to shower, it hurt to wear pants, heck it even hurt to wear shorts because that way my legs were completely exposed.

So now I'm back at school figuring out what best to do with my legs as I'm sitting at my desk. Gotta muscle through these last 3 weeks of school...

Oh no you di'int!

...oh but I did...

I started watching "The Hills" on Monday nights as a stress reliever.

Broken Relationships

A theme surrounding the lives of my close others has been brokenness in human relationships. There's something about the death of a romantic relationship that seems to move and affect people more so than any other tragedy. In fact, I may be bold (and perhaps ignorant) in repeating an account of a holocaust survivor who claimed that despite all she had gone through, she considered the biggest trial of her life - the one that left her the most broken - was her divorce.

I step back and wonder why I study romantic relationships. Although my research interests have shifted drastically to a more identity focus than a relationship focus, I'm still captivated by the human search for great romance. There's something about these relationships that highlight the extent of our incompleteness - our search for something more. Perhaps it is a search for true, unadulterated love. Perhaps it is a search for completeness.

Yet I've come to the conclusion that we will never find completion through relationship with another human being; my experiences in the last year and a half have knocked any romantic idealism out of me. I do not doubt that one can be greatly blessed through finding their soulmate. I just believe that finding this soulmate is not the elixir for our incompleteness.

This search for completion in another (whether conscious or unconscious) is a beautiful disaster. There is something beautiful and pure about it; yet it is ultimately disastrous outside of the One. It really breaks my heart.

I've been listening to all evening to Glen Hansard's music featured in the movie "Once." It's an excellent soundtrack. Two songs in particular communicate to me the extent of the scars that can be left on us by broken relationships. I listen and I weep for all my loved ones who have been battered and bruised by broken relationships.

All the Way Down

You have broken me all the way
down,down upon my knees.
And you have broken me all the way down,
you'll be the last, you'll see.

Some fight you gave,
and I pushed you away
from me.

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.

And what chance have we got
when you've missed every shot
for me?

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be out of reach.
And in the darkness when you find this
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.


Falling Slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

So Amazing

caption: tableside smores at Halcyon with some dear friends from community group

The theme of my life in the last week has been relationships. I turned 24 on Tuesday; 2 days before the vernal equinox. My first birthday away from home was incredible.

Tuesday, one of my fellow grad students brought me ice cream cake. My officemate took me out for a sushi dinner and Les followed that up with gelato at Dolce Vita. The next evening, about 20 of my friends celebrated my birthday at a local jazz bar after which we wandered to one of my favorite pubs in Austin, the Gingerman. Throughout the two days, I got to talk with and catch up with friends from all over the country. Quite amazing, really.

What blew me away was that in only 7 months, I've been incredibly blessed with a community people who cared about me and who I could turn to anytime. I have great friends at school who I can be neurotic with, a yoga community who encourages me to grow holistically in both mind and body, and a community group at church with whom I can be weak and learn in humility from.

I know now that Austin was the place I am supposed to be, academics aside. I love the city, I really do. I've hosted and shown two prospective grad students around Austin in the last month, and each time I find myself falling in love with the city just a little bit more. It's here that I've finally started to grow again spiritually after 2 years of stagnation.

One of my yoga instructors said something quite poignant that has stuck with me the last week. She said that the way we carry ourselves and the way we open up to others allow us to bless others. It also invites others the opportunity to bless us in return. I just pray that in the next 4 1/2 years I'm in Austin, I'm able to take every opportunity to connect with others, and to never let an opportunity slip to share with them what I have been so blessed with!

Emotionally healthy

My dear friend Les lent me a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. It's life-changing already and I'm only on chapter 1. For as long as I can remember I've been feeling that there's something just wrong in my life. This book is causing me to reflect not only on my spiritual life this past year, but spanning all the way back to my spiritual walk in youth group as well as InterVarsity.

I realize that I've never been emotionally mature.

Could it be that I've been so drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually because I've never taken the time to work through emotional baggage I've carried with me all these years? Could that be why I've been so jaded with the church and with Christian leadership? Could that have spawned some deep-rooted rebellion in my life?

Two quotes by Oswald Chambers that mean so much to me:
"When you yield to something, you will soon realize the tremendous control it has over you. Even though you say, 'Oh, I can give up that habit whenever I like,' you will know you can't. You will find that the habit absolutely dominates you because you willingly yielded to it. It is easy to sing, 'He will break every fetter,' while at the same time living a life of obvious slavery to yourself. But yielding to Jesus will break every kind of slavery in a person's life."

"He will deliver you from yourself."

Praise God who can work through all my issues and baggage and deliver me from them. In Him I am made clean, righteous, whole, and new.

Hope

" ...Let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the sweet embrace of Christ, and let us go on into the invincible future with Him... We will have times of despair caused by real events in our lives, and we will be unable to lift ourselves out of them. The disciples...had done a downright unthinkable thing -- they had gone to sleep instead of watching with Jesus. But our Lord came to them taking the spiritual initiative against their despair and said, in effect, 'Get up, and do the next thing.' If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? It is to trust Him absolutely and to pray on the basis of His redemption. Never let the sense of past failure defeat your next step." -- Oswald Chambers

Dysfunction

During a moment of temporary brainlessness, my oh-so-sensitive officemate let me know what he really thought about all my failed relationships:

Peace, in the midst of storm

Identity Replacement

Tomorrow morning I leave for Albuquerque, NM for a conference. Two years ago, I went to this conference in Palm Springs, CA - my first Psych conference ever. When I think back to that last trip, I cannot help but think, how life has changed!


This past weekend I had the privilege of having coffee with a new friend and sister in Christ. It was one of those conversations that allowed me to see the past two years through the lens of how God has moved in my life and what He's been working in me. I had mentioned in a previous post that perhaps all the struggles I faced, all the good and the bad, was a shattering of identities that were slowly turning into idols: a pianist, a musician, a worship leader, a "good Christian," a runner, a leader, even a good academic. What I'm finding, though, is that it is not enough to simply strip these identities. What is needed is to replace those with a new identity: beloved and valued by God.


As I was practicing yoga today, I realized that what hindered my progression and growth on the mat was a labeling of my abilities - trying to "place" myself in terms of how advanced or not I was rather than focusing on the practice itself. Maybe this is a metaphor of how I've been living my life: I keep trying to place a label on who I am at the moment and how I am progressing rather than focusing on BOLDLY walking forward in humility toward the goal knowing simply that I can. And what is the goal? I'm still trying to relearn that. Right now, what God is placing on my heart is to discover the "joy of my salvation" (from Psalm 51).


This month, my mantra is to practice satya, or truthfulness, in all I do and say. To me, that means to know my limits, to not try to do or be more than I am. On the flip side, it is to not try to do or be less than I am. Additionally, it is to speak truth no matter what, especially where there isn't.

Sad, but true....

Imposter Syndrome

im·pos·tor syn·drome /ɪmˈpɒstər/ /ˈsɪndroʊm, -drəm/
-noun

1. Feeling like a fake
2. Attributing success to luck
3. Discounting and downplaying success
4. What Tracy is MAJORLY experiencing this semester

It's getting to be a problem. It really is. I shared this with my community group tonight during prayer requests and it led to major breakthroughs and feelings of relief among the women. So much so that one of the guys felt led to pray over the women. Haha, I love my community group.

Slowed Down

Saturday morning I strained some muscle in my rotator cuff. I think it's the infraspinatus, but I'm not sure. To say the least, it's greatly slowed down general movement and breathing, not to mention my yoga practice.

School's started again, and I'm adjusting to a new TA schedule, new classes, running research studies, and switching from early morning yoga classes to night yoga classes. I'm still recovering from break, and I find myself constantly tired.

During quiet times, I keep running into a theme: aloneness with God.

What does that mean exactly? When do I cling to community and when do I shut out outside influence and just sit in silence? When do I "venture" into the real world and when do I shelter myself?

And finally, I ask myself, why do I fear being alone when it comes to interpersonal relationships - both platonic and romantic?

The Uses of Not

Thirty spokes
Meet in the hub,
Where the wheel isn't
Is where it's useful.

Hollowed out,
Clay makes a pot.
Where the pot's not
Is where it's useful.

Cut doors and windows
To make a room.
Where the room isn't,
There's room for you.

So the profit in what is
Is in the use of what isn't.

~~Lao Tzu

Another Year

Happy New Year! Back in Austin trying to get my head back together after a 3 week vacation from school... luckily I caught a few items with a deadline of Jan. 4 while going through school emails before it was too late!!

I think New Years might be my favorite holiday since it really symbolizes new beginnings. I've learned, however, that change and new beginnings don't happen overnight. Still, it's exciting to have a day that marks a looking forward to changes in my life.

A few weeks ago, some friends and I gathered at the Heidelberg in downtown Ann Arbor and wrote our New Year resolutions. Here are a few of mine:

1. Improve my Mandarin. I'm going to start going through my Chinese school CDs again, and maybe even take a Chinese class at UT over the summer.
   
2. Get my yoga teaching certification and finish the Ashtanga Primary Series.


3. Get more involved in my church. I'm wavering between committing to the church I attend now and looking for a new church. I attended a Chinese church before break, and they've been really great at persisting contact with me. Unfortunately, there is only one service I can attend on Sunday, and it really isn't the best time for me... Either way, I'm going to start going to Sunday school classes and be more proactive about hanging out with people outside of small group.


4. Go waterskiing.

Seriously??

I don't usually like to complain about assignments we have to do for school, but when I'm up late trying to answer essay questions such as the following:

Jost and his colleagues have reported that politically conservative people are relatively uncertain, closed minded, and intolerant of ambiguity and change. From this it follows that conservatives would oppose universal health care, because it represents a change. Imagine that you have been elected the next president and you want to introduce universal health care. Using the knowledge you gained in the course, explain how you would convince conservatives of the virtues of universal health care.

I have to wonder...is this assignment for real??

It's all part of the job...

It feels really stinky when a student emails you freaking out because his grade is teetering between an A and a B, and you have to inform him that he misread the syllabus and that his grade actually is teetering between a B and a C.

Alone ... The word is life

endured and known.

It is the stillness where our

spirits walk

And all but inmost faith is

overthrown.

~Siegfried Sassoon

Those were the days...

Count down to finals begin, and I'm being a good girl and turning down all my social invites this weekend to study.

I ran across these pictures today, both of them with some of my best friends. Ah, those were the days...

Acceptance

"He said, 'I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, 'I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, 'I will withraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, 'I will submit; I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, 'I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to His son explain.'
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace."

~Amy Carmichael

I know I'm compulsively posting now, but I went to bed around 9 only to wake up at 11:30pm. Oh the joys of insomnia. I'm drinking warmed milk with cinnamon hoping it will help. If you know any other cures for insomnia, please pass them along!!!

Something's in the air

I think I'm getting sick.

Exhibit A: I all but black out this morning during yoga.
Exhibit B: I voice sounds slightly scratchy.
Exhibit C: I'm so out of it that I asked my advisor to spell an acronym he used.
Exhibit D: I felt ready to crawl into bed by 8 pm.

Not a good time to be getting sick as we're nearing the last week of classes!

Pictures from Thanksgiving:

It's a mental thing...

Let me introduce you to the yogic headstand: salamba sirsana. In Ashtanga yoga, part of the finishing series is to hold salamba sirsana for about 20-25 breaths (pictured below).

Afterward, you would lower your legs and hold salamba sirsana b (below) for another 5-10 breaths, then pull back up into the original pose before coming down.
This move is the bane of my current yogic existance. At first I feared falling backward and breaking my neck. When I finally fell backward a few times, I realized I wouldn't break my neck. However, I almost broke my fingers when my head rolled over my clasped hands. Since that experience, I haven't gotten myself to lower down into Salamba Sirsana B.

Until yesterday. I was in another Yoga class when the instructor gave us 5 minutes to work on any inversion of our choice. I chose to work on the headstand, but this time I pulled my mat a foot away from the wall, giving me no chance to fall backward. I never had to use the wall.

It's a mental block I'm facing. It makes me think of how many things in life I just can't do because of my fear rather than an actual limitation of my abilities. And how does one break through this mental block? I guess I'll start finding out tomorrow morning when I attempt this pose again without the safety of a wall behind me.

A Crisis of Faith

As 2007 is drawing to a close, I've spent much of my Thanksgiving break reflecting on this past year. 2007 was a tough year for me.

I grew up in the church, and my social circle consisted of Christians all my life up till the fall of 2006. That fall, I finally "graduated" from InterVarsity, I switched churches, and almost entirely changed my social network in Ann Arbor. For the first time in my life, my closest friends weren't Christians, and the "Christian thing to do" was no longer the default but rather an actual choice I had to make.

I failed miserably. I never left the church per se, but in a lot of ways I turned by back on what I spent my whole life believing in. I spent 2007 going through what I now recognize to be my first true crisis of faith. It seemed like an endless cycle of poor decisions and regret followed by going through the motions of repentence, then repeating my poor decisions. I vascillated between believing true joy comes from following Christ, and wishing I could throw away my faith entirely. The lament of God in Hosea 6:4 still resonates with me "What can I do with you, Ephraim? What can I do with you, Judah? Your love is like the morning mist, like the early dew that disappears."

M told me over the phone that I had to choose what I believed in and act in accordance to that. It's really convicting when my non-believing friend reiterates to me Truth. I'm finally choosing. It's a slow journey, one that I'm still in the process of, but I can truly say that God is faithful. This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I am receiving the lesson of what it means to choose Christ. I am thankful for trials and tribulations because they force me to recognize who God is, and to examine who I am. In many ways, this year I was stripped of almost everything I placed my identity in. I've been stripped of the pride I take in "being a good Christian." I'm questioning whether I'm really cut out to be a researcher not only in skill but also in motivation and passion. That's scary because my career is the sole reason I moved to Austin. When all is stripped away, I can finally see that all I have to cling onto is Christ. I'm thankful for this year, because David's prayer in Psalm 51:10-12 is that much more meaningful to me:

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

On a less serious note, I had a great Thanksgiving at my friend J's. There were 5 of us who spent no less than 9 hours eating on Turkey day. It was amazing.

Since I finally spent some quality time at home this weekend, I realized how much I hated my room. My walls were bare, and the layout of my room was just depressing and empty. So I spent a few hours today rearranging my room. Here's the end result:

I bought some posters online as well so the walls will get some color. I'm also going to get some candles to line my window.

I haven't taken my camera out all semester, but here's a picture of C and me at Halloween from someone else's camera. C is a first-year in Evolutionary Psychology. As we're both the only first-year girls in our areas, we bonded pretty quickly.

I can't believe my first semester of grad school ends in 2 1/2 weeks!

This is what research psychologists find funny....

I think over Thanksgiving I'll try to revive this blog...

Until then, here's a spoof questionnaire called the Hidden Brain Damage Scale (to measure whether you have hidden brain damage). My advisor and I were giggling over this today... The first 37 items are by D. Wegner, R. Vallacher and C. Gilbert (copyrighted by the American Psychological Association, 1979 in the American Psychologist). Hope that prevents me from getting sued for posting this.

1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
2. I can't unclasp my hands.
3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
6. I often mistake my hands for food.
7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
8. I never liked room temperature.
9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
10. My throat is closer than it seems.
11. I can smell my nose hairs.
12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
16. My patio is covered with a killer frost.
17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
18. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
19. My best friend is a social worker.
20. I've always known when to close my eyes.
21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
22. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
24. I walk this way because I have to.
25. Walls impede my progress.
26. I can't find all my marmots.
27. There's only one thing for me.
28. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
29. I can pet animals by the mouthful.
30. My toes are numbered.
31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
32. People tell me when I'm deaf.
33. My beaver won't go near the water.
34. I can find my ears, but I have to look.
35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
37. I don't like any of my loved ones.
38. I try to get out of bed at least once a day.
39. I have tried to bonsai my dog.
40. When I dance, I have two left thumbs.
41. My plants don't trust me any more.
42. I'm still searching for the perfect pencil.
43. More people know about me than I do.
44. I get sleepy just staying awake.
45. The air is my best friend.
46. My cup does its job TOO WELL.
47. The sight of a fluorescent light makes me nervous.
48. I sent away for the booklet, "How To Become Literate."
49. I couldn't care less about apathy.
50. My hair is conspiring against me.
51. I am on a strict diet of non-biodegradable food.
52. I have more feet than my shoes.

Research Opportunity

Here's a shameless plug for my study:

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Midterms...

I'm at school so much that I accidentally referred to my office as "home" and my (male) officemate as my roommate at least twice over the past week...

Conviction

Last night I hung out with a new and dear friend who simply exhudes God's presence. I went home, humbled and filled with conviction.

I grew up thinking I knew everything, yet there's such a disconnect between my head and my heart. I have so much to learn, and so far to grow.

Daily Grind

My day starts out at 6:30 AM at my yoga studio. I'm there till about 8:30, go home, and get ready for school. I get to school usually about 9:30-10 AM, and leave around 7 PM. Depending on the day I'll be dropping off the recycling, attending community group, happy hours, Grey's nights, or going home to study more. Around 11, I decompress and have some quiet time, and go to bed at midnight.

I feel that I'm working much harder than I did as an undergrad, but somehow I'm more disciplined, I'm happier, healthier, and less stressed. Today I'm feeling a little more tired than usual, but last week and this week just happen to be tough weeks.

One of the neat things about Austin is its thriving yoga community and excellent teachers. There are three teachers I have "adopted" here in Austin. In terms of yoga lineage, I'm studying under the students of Pattabhi Jois (the founder of Ashtanga Yoga), Shiva Rea (who is considered the Madonna of Yoga), and Rod Stryker. Does that make them my grandparents in yoga? Monday through Thursday mornings I attend a Mysore Ashtanga where I work through the primary series step by step. It's difficult most mornings, but I've found it to be so rewarding. I'm learning to not push myself or beat myself for not yet reaching a certain stage in the series, to be forgiving towards my body and mind. I'm hoping that this lesson on the mat is translating into how I relate to myself and to others in school. I find that I carry a lot of my stress and grief in my left hip, and through releasing those emotions through the sitting series I'm able to get through my day with a clear mind. Most of all, I find myself able to meditate on the things I learn during my quiet times the evening before. The current move I'm working on, bhujapidasana (the end of part b shown above), is really a struggle for me. But I'm learning to draw strength from my core rather than just my arms. The thing about yoga - it really teaches self-love. To do any of these moves you have to trust your body, and when you achieve the move, you love your body all the more for what it just did.

Today I also had lunch at Mellow Mushroom with two of the girls in my community group. Not only was it nice to sit and chat with them, I think we're starting a weekly accountability group!

Routine School Emails

This was in my inbox this morning:

Environmental Health and Safety (EHS) and the Office of the Vice President for Employee and Campus Services (ECS) want to remind you that Austin has a significant bat population, and though they're really cute--bats are considered a high-rabies risk species and should NEVER be touched.

If you find a live or dead bat in a building or a live bat that can not fly outside, please call Environmental Health & Safety's Animal Make Safe program at ###-BATS (####).

don't call me

So out of the blue my phone decided to go kaput today. I ordered a new phone online so I may be cellphone-less until the end of the week or early next week. If I don't answer or return your calls, it's not that I don't like you - give me till next week. Same cell phone number. Peace.

Lessons Learned

School's started and it's been a long week. It's been awhile since I've been in school, so my stress level shot up way high this week and insomnia kicked in again. Truthfully, I've probably been putting in more time than I needed and have been reading about 8-9 hours a day the first week of school.

Last night I stayed in and got 12 much needed hours of sleep. Sleep really does a lot to alleviate stress levels and after some quiet time and reflection today, I've started gaining more perspective on life.

I'm learning that everyone's different and no one can make me feel inferior but myself. Part of the reason that I was forcing myself to work so hard is because otherwise I felt inferior to those who put in more hours. That's very stupid on my part - no one really cares how many hours I put in but myself. As long as I finish what I need to finish, there's no reason to tack on extra unecessary hours. There'll be plenty of opportunity to work late as the semester progresses.

My research is going well - I'm diving into the world of intercultural research, a topic I've never focused on before. As a result, I have to spend a lot of time learning the basics of cross-cultural research. I love it, though, and can't wait to tie into it theories on personality as well as close relationships and self-esteem, which are topics I'm more familiar with.

I finally settled on a church in Austin and have joined a small group. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she asked me if God's grace has been sufficient for me to get through each day. Of course the answer is yes, but it got me thinking about how I've been approaching my life. I've been told in graduate school, you're always supposed to be thinking one year ahead. But the problem for me is that I get to thinking about so much that all of a sudden life becomes overwhelming. I need to learn to take things one day at a time and trust that God will provide enough grace for me to finish each day.