The Love of Money

I had insomnia last night in a bad way.

I guess being burnt out at school (my last deadline is May 7!!!) has put me in a place where I'm more likely to sweat the little things. I was procrastinating last night, flipping through pictures of friends on Facebook who graduated from college the same year as me when it hit me. They have well-paying, steady jobs. They have money. I don't have money. I'm so poor.

Now, I know that I really have no grounds to complain. I have a roof over my head, I rarely go hungry - I have all my material needs. I look around my room and am overwhelmed by my material possessions. I have a car that gets me from point A to point B. I googled the poverty line and I am making above that. I'm eking by as a graduate student without having to take out student loans. I know that I am blessed.

Yet, last night, I just felt tired. I'm tired of budgeting every last cent. I'm tired of just ordering water when I go out with people so that I have money to buy groceries the next week. I'm tired of peanut butter jelly sandwiches. I'm tired of carrying school bags that have huge holes in them (although Les did hook me up with a hugely discounted Gap bag just last week - thanks Les!) and when I do finally venture to the mall that once a semester, I'm tired of forgoing the latest fashions for the Final Sale rack where I buy last year's look for less than $10. Most of all, I'm tired of having to be so vigilant about living within my means and being scared that I'll encounter car problems or other "unforseeables" that may put me in the red.

I struggle with materialism, I know. And having to switch to a grad student lifestyle, thus taking a paycut of over 50% this past year has been really hard for me. I wish I could travel and buy pretty clothes and eat at nice restaurants. But I can't. And I wonder sometimes if it's worth it - do I really love school that much? (And I really can't answer that question right now because until May 7, I pretty much hate school).

I also struggle with trust. I struggle with envy. So last night I laid wide awake in bed just struggling with all this. And it's silly. I've said before that I hope I'm never rich because I'm pretty certain I'd be irresponsible with money. I just never realized what a struggle for me being poor is. But the lack of financial stability builds trust. And the lack of material status symbols forces me to place my identity in what is real rather than what is temporary. And the sacrifices I am making now is building character and helping me to appreciate what I have when I do get a substantial paycheck again.

Of course I say all that now, but I don't yet own those statements. So for now, I'll just have to be okay with struggling. And praying. Hopefully in time, my faith will grow, my trust will strengthen, my envy will die off, and my desire for material goods with fade. If not, I have a long, long 4 years ahead of me...