Research Updates

I've been running a research study since the beginning of September and it's finally yielded enough data to do something with it. I love coming up with the study, not super excited about actually running the study, but getting all the data feels really rewarding. I spent this past week staying up late at night analyzing the data and feeling a little overwhelmed by just how much I stil don't know about research. Now I've gotten to the part when I spend the next month or so drafting up a summary of the results. For some reason this is when the study comes together for me; I can't quite wrap my brain around what I'm doing until I put it down on paper. I don't consider myself a writer, but writing is my favorite part of the research study. That, combined with data analysis.

I've been feeling discombobulated all week. I think I'm going through that phase again when I don't feel quite awake and I'm tired all the time. My house is a mess and I miss hanging out with my girlfriends. Anyone want to come spend time with me while I clean?

On another note, I've been watching Friends straight through from Season One and just finished Season Eight. I think I need to take a 2 week hiatus from watching TV.

Lessons from a back injury

My back has been hurting a ton lately.

Apparently through bad posture and heavy books/bags, I've sustained a chronic back injury through high school and college. I spent the first months of this year going through physical therapy, doing seemingly endless stretching and strenghthening exercises, icing and ultrasound therapy (I still to this day don't understand how ultrasound treats the back) in order to realign my back. I was told I should stay away from running. Finally by spring it seemed that my spine had straightened out and my therapy days were over.

Disregarding advice from my therapist, I stopped stretching regularly, became more lax about my posture, and even began running again. Needless to say, my back has been getting worse again through this year. Still, I stubbornly tried to return to "normal life" with "normal habits" as if my back has never been injured.

I was recently talking to my friend Mel who tore her ACL 3-4 years ago and had to have surgery on her knee. Although her knee has now healed completely, she was telling me that while trying out a dance move, she noticed that her old injury still limits her flexibility and range of motion. She then concluded that although she's healed as much as she could, her knee will never be 100% healthy again, and she can never do things with it that normal people could. She then added the same went for my back. Although my back healed, I can't be stubborn and treat it like a normal back. I'll never be able to slouch like normal people can or carry bags as heavy as everyone else. It stinks, but that's what injuries do.

I started thinking about how this translates to matters of the heart. Sometime over the last year or two I developed a policy of living life at its fullest. I became rasher and more impulsive, made big plans and tried everything once without thinking through consequences. But as much as I want to believe that mistakes are necessary for learning (which they are), I have to realize that what I choose to do and risk - decisions I make today - will affect me for the rest of my life. As much as I can brush aside heartbreak and disappointment (in all areas of my life, I'm not just talking about relationships) knowing that I'll be okay at the end, these very heartbreaks and disappointments will not leave me untouched - they change me and form my worldviews and perspectives and even affect the decisions I make in the future.

This also translates to sin. Although rebelling and committing sins can lead to true repentence and a better understanding of what it means to follow God, and although Christ already bore the punishments for our sins so that we aren't paying the consequences for them, our choice to sin will affect our daily lives and the relationship we have with God, others, and the environment around us. That's a pretty heavy thought. It emphasizes that there is no trivial sin - in both the sense of the seriousness of sin and the consequences of sin.

So after the New Year I am heigh-hoing back to my physical therapist's office with my tail between my legs. I will take her advice and even stop running. I will know that how I choose to treat my back, no matter how trivial the decision seems, will affect my abilities for the rest of my life. There's no more denying that my injury is here to stay.

Evil within Us

Read this article online today on Reuters. Here's an excerpt of it:

LONDON - Elton John has said organized religion should be banned because it promotes homophobia and turns some people into "hateful lemmings."

"I would ban religion completely, even though there are some wonderful things about it," the British singer said in an interview with the Observer newspaper on Sunday.

"Religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people. It turns people into hateful lemmings and it is not really compassionate."

The singer, who tied the knot with long-term partner David Furnish in a civil ceremony last year, said he admired the teachings of Jesus Christ, but disliked religious bodies.

"The reality is that organized religion doesn't seem to work," he added.

Articles like this make me really sad. It's difficult for me to see the church attacked in such a way, because in many cases, the accusations are true. There's a lot of hypocrisy and sin within the church, and too often we don't keep in line with the teachings of Christ as we ought.

I'm reading Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard with Cat and we just finished a chapter on evilness. I'm convinced that one of the barriers for Christians to pursue the character of Christ is our inability to wholly accept and recognize the extent of our fallenness, or as Calvin states, the total depravity of man. There is a certain pride in us that undermines our admittance that we are incapable of goodness and righteousness on our own. This is reflected in our use of the word brokenness: we say we're broken to communicate how our experiences have left us downtrodden and weary, almost implying that we are somehow victims. Yet, brokenness really is talking about the inherent evil within us as a result of the fall. We are not victims to the circumstances we have in life. We have by nature evil within us that inhibits us from worshiping God fully. Willard points out that one of the things that is hardest to swallow about Christianity is the importance it places on the human individual. We are created in the image of God and it is our greatness that makes our evilness so tragic.

For anyone who has talked to me lately, one of my struggles is finding when I compare my "Christian friendships" to my "secular friendships," I find more realness in the secular friendships. This shouldn't be the case! I think it's because a lot of Christians, especially young adults my age, have this expectation of spiritual growth and maturity that becomes a barrier for us to truly accept one another and ourselves for who we are. I feel that too often we put up a front because for the most part, we know right from wrong, and we hate admitting that we can't live up to that. I feel there is a certain superficiality created from this facade of spirituality.

We're broken people. We're fallen. And although we need to spur each other on toward growth and striving for perfection, we need to also accept each other for who we are: broken, fallen, evil people caught between our fallen nature and the glimpse of the Heaven we've received through Christ's blood. If the church can be honest about its brokenness and focus on being sinners supporting each other through the grace of God rather than being this sanctuary of holiness amid an evil world, what a witness that will be!

Random Thoughts

After a crazy month, I'm unable to put real thoughts together - so here's a string of thoughts I currently have:

• God is faithful. Although there's a lot in my life to be thankful for right now, nothing in particular is inspiring me to say this. It's just a renewed sense of trust that I've been feeling lately that He has a plan for me and will be faithful to carry it out.
• One of the women in my small group gave an incredible and inspiring testimony last night. I'm excited about the friendship and trust developing among the women in my small group.
• Relationships are hard. I had a surprisingly difficult conversation last night that still has me in a slight funk. When a normally unemotional person becomes emotional, it really touches my heart.
• Work has been getting busier. I'm really excited about going to DC (as I know I've stated before). My responsibilities at work have also become increasingly more difficult, which both frightens and excites me.
• I'm throwing a baby shower for one of my best friends this weekend. I have no clue what I'm doing as I've never thrown a baby shower before.
• I've been craving cucumbers lately. Hm, strange. I like to sprinkle raw cucumbers with salt and munch on them.
• The Footprints feature on Xanga scares the beejees out of me. Now everyone will know I stalk them!
• I've been listening to Nick Lachey's latest CD. Nick, I know Jessica did a number on you, but your lyrics are a bit on the pathetic end.

November Changes

Grad Schools
Well, I just turned in the last of my recommendations for grad schools so I'm officially done applying. Also, I submitted my fellowship application at midnight last night. Now it's just sit and wait until April. It'll be nice to have a lot more free time to invest in my friends, though!

Finances
For those of you who know me, money's not a huge deal for me. I'd like to think I'm thrifty and careful in spending money, and although I catch myself eyeing expensive and fashionable items, if I don't got the cash, I don't spend it. As grad school becomes more of a reality, I realize I have to start looking at the money I have NOW and start thinking long-term with it. I lost my USB flashdisk on which I kept my budget (and ALL my research, by the way!!), so I had to rework my budget recently. I'm also signing up for a class to better understand and rework my 401k. I realize I have to start saving up for moving costs for grad school and other "grad schooly" things like updated software for my laptop, a nice school bag (my Kenneth Cole bag broke last week), and car fixtures (no way on earth I'm taking my car at its current state if I'm moving somewhere like California). It's a good time to be in a Sunday School class called Money, Money, Money.

Traveling
I also have a lot of traveling to look forward to this month. This weekend I'll be volunteer staffing IVCF's Cross-Training retreat. I'm pretty excited about spending the weekend studying scripture, leading worship, and praying with friends I haven't talked to in awhile. I'm also excited my rooming situation and about getting to know new friends better. =)

I will be making another trip to Washington DC except this time it'll be for business. The trip is from Nov. 15-19, and I'll get to stay at the Marriott. I'll get to see all my friends in DC, plus others who are traveling in from Ann Arbor, San Fran, and New York. It'll be another reunion with people I love, except this time, all expenses paid. I won't get opportunities like this for a long time, so I better enjoy it!