The Waiting Game

Last post on dating in a while, I promise. It's just that my blog posts are usually about Yoga or school, but after 3 weeks of vacation, I've actually had time to think.... But anyway.

I was shopping with my with my bestie today, or rather, helping her to shop. She needed some inexpensive clothes for her clinicals (she's in school to be a physical therapist) and so dragged me to Kohl's. So as we have done since high school, we nabbed the big dressing room so she could model her selections as I nod or grimace in response. It suddenly hit me as I watched my friend - who is already married with a kid - while I sat there in my dry-clean only dress and knee-high boots pounding away at my new I-Pod Touch to plan out my first week in Austin that I'm on my way to becoming that lonely career woman that I always feared being. (Note: I'm only wearing a dress in Michigan because 3 weeks of my momma's cooking = too-tight jeans). I am not in a serious relationship, I have two careers, and I am reveling in the single-girl-in-the-city lifestyle. Not that anything is wrong with that. But if I was given a choice between having a cozy family in a tiny house years from now or living an urban lifestyle in a high-rise downtown apartment loft, I'd choose the former. My current choices, I realize, are leading to the latter.

I'm a bit of a workaholic, I admit, but it's not because I really believe I have no time for relationships (the romantic kind). I date, but I haven't found anyone I'm willing to slow down my lifestyle for. I figure, I'm happy, I'm self-sufficient, so I don't need anyone to take care of me (...not that I don't want someone to take care of me). If I were to settle down, it would be for someone I want as a companion, someone I can walk side-by-side with.

I know a lot of fantastic men in Austin. Men who are genuine and kind. Men who are men - the kind women everywhere are looking for. But as fun as I have hanging out with those men, I haven't wanted to enter into a serious relationship the ones I have met because of this intangible feeling called "lack of chemistry or compatibility." I've met men who on paper have everything I'm looking for. We have similar ambitions, similar interests, and I have a lot of fun conversing with them. But I just don't feel that "zsa-zsa-zsu." Which leads me to wonder: am I waiting for something that doesn't exist?

In other words, am I choosing not to settle or am I in need of a reality check?

When I talk to my married friends or those who are in long-term serious relationships, most say they never got the butterflies when they met their partner. That we've been too influenced by the fairy tale concept of the perfect Prince Charming and that relationships are more practical than that. They also use the frustrating phrase "you'll just know." You may not know right away, mind you, but when you meet the right person, eventually, "you'll know." (Sidenote, my bestie used to scoff at that phrase with me until she met "the one." Then she crossed over to the dark side of "you'll know"ers).

So say I'm dating a guy, and he wants to take the relationship a step further, and I'm just not feeling the zsa-zsa-zsu, what should I do? Should I hold on in case somewhere down the line "I'll know?" Or should I be alarmed that while he's perfect on paper, I'm not feeling it, and thus pull the plug on the relationship? Again, am I choosing not to settle by ending it, or am I sentencing myself to a lifetime of being alone?

Of course, I realize I'm only 25 years young and sentencing myself to a lifetime of loneliness would be a bit of a hyperbole for ending one relationship, but once can become twice, twice becomes five, and next thing I know, I'm 50 and alone.

Again, I'm curious to know what others think. How do you know if you're settling or holding out for something that doesn't exist?

The Dating Game

This is a post I've been wanting to write for awhile. That is, the concept of playing "the game."

At the start of any romantic relationship, both parties seem to be involved in this dating game. One person signifies attraction to the other, and the game begins. The game involves giving signals of interest to one another without being overbearing, for if one lays it all out on the table right away, the mystery and the attraction suddenly vanishes. While both sides should be clear about intentions, it's important not to let the relationship develop too fast. In the getting-to-know-you phase, if the choice for an easy out disappears too soon, the relationship partner who is not ready will begin to feel smothered and suffocated and want to leave.

Thus, we get people who play hard to get in relationships. We get those who are hot and cold, then hot again and cold the following week. We are afraid to call too frequently, and we repeatedly analyze words we have said or texted or email in fear that we have revealed too much too soon. We pretend to be apathetic while inside we are completely obsessed.

Let me tell you, this game is EXHAUSTING.

It's true, I'm not a fan of the game. In fact, I've been known to say that I wish we could all just be done with these games, that I'm ready for someone who is just straightforward and honest. Let's just say I learned to be careful what I wish for.

As much as I hate the game, I realized that the game serves two purposes. As stated above, the game allows the relationship time to develop at a slow and healthy pace. But also, as our society has developed into one that is game-playing, the dating game is now a test of social competency. I realized this recently when I was talking about boys with a close girlfriend and she remarked,

"oh, honey, the boy's got no game! You don't want to be with someone who doesn't know how to play the game."

Sadly, I realized she was probably right. The dating game is a way of showing others that you are socially skilled, that you know how to interact with other people. And if you can navigate your way through a dating relationship, you can probably navigate your way through other social situations such as friendships, networking situations, business deals, etc. The dating game has become part of the "mating ritual," a way to prove to the other party that you are desirable and competent as a mate.

I'm curious to know what you all think. Is the dating game now indispensable? Is it really taken as a sign of social competency?

(next post: are we settling or being realistic?)