The Healing Process

Here's a picture to keep my momma updated on my life (she's not on Facebook). A picture of me and my friends from this weekend. As you can see, I need to tan.

First off, I want to say I do appreciate the comments from my posts on relationships. They gave me a lot of food for thought and one of them even made me blush. ;)

As I had mentioned a few weeks ago, I am nursing a left hamstring injury that popped out of nowhere. When I came back to Texas I was working slowly through Primary series everyday, because Primary series is named "Yoga therapy" for it's ability to heal and open up the body. I was (and still am) taking weekly epsom salt baths to loosen up the muscles and massaging my hamstring (and shoulder) with castor oil daily to break down the scar tissue.

Last week I finally returned to practicing with my teacher (the commitment-phobe in me doesn't want to call him "my teacher," but that's really what he's become) and he watched my practice for 3 days before banning me from Primary series.

He told me he knows that Primary is supposed to be healing, but what my hamstrings need right now is a complete break. To heal something, sometimes you need to just leave it alone for awhile. Instead, I'm doing the little bit of Intermediate series I know (as well as finally learning what I've been avoiding forever: the handstand) until he gives me the okay to go back to practicing the hamstring-aggravating Primary series.

This reminds me of a story I had read in Nischala Joy Devi's translation of the Yoga Sutras. She was talking about how she was going to refuse medication after a complicated dental procedure because she doesn't believe in taking medication. After all, no pain, no gain right? The dentist returned the prescription back to her, saying "You may want to rethink that. Research has determined that when even moderate pain is experienced, the healing process is inhibited." (The Secret Power of Yoga, page 25).

This blows my mind. In a culture where our mantra is "no pain, no gain," in a world where discomfort is taken as a sign of growth and progress, could it be possible that sometimes letting things sit and rest can be more effective than dealing with pain and problems head on? One of the faculty in my area at school (Pennebaker) found in his research on the effects of expressive writing on health that it's actually healthier to NOT talk through traumatizing events the first few days after they occur.

So when do we take immediate action and when do we let things sit? When there is a rift in a relationship, do we allow things to sit for a little or do we address the issue straightaway? We're taught to address problems immediately because problems will only grow worse over time. But clearly that's not always the case. When do we act, and when is it okay to wait?

Being Me

Austin downtown shenanigans:

Ahhhhh...finally have some time to blog!! My flight landed in Austin at around 11pm last Monday and I had to be on campus at 9:30 the next morning to run a research study. Let's just say I haven't stopped since. I'm acclimating to my new schedule along with teaching a brand new Vinyasa class, trying to catch up with Austin friends, and have been scrambling to finish up some tasks before I leave for Vegas next Wednesday. I've been driving back and forth town a ton since I got back and really am looking forward to commuting less when I (hopefully) relocate closer to downtown this summer.

But despite the busyness of it all, I've been feeling an incredible joy this week. Which is SUCH A GIFT, considering how I've been feeling this past week in Austin. When I came back from break, I actually felt incredibly discouraged both about teaching yoga and about my research. I felt my work was sub-par in both, and I kept comparing myself to others and found myself coming up short.

When I shared this with my wonderful friend and fellow yoga teacher Sarah (affectionately known as "Struttin'", she reminded me that my worth as a yoga teacher is not determined by my students. It is not determined by how complicated my flow sequences are, or even by the level of energy I bring to the class. My entire worth as a yoga teacher is based on the fact that I am teaching to the best of my ability in order to glorify and honor Christ and that is that. The same goes for my research. My worth as a Psychologist is not determined by how many publications are on my vita, by my teaching evaluations, even by the amount of funding I receive. The important thing to focus on is researching to glorify and honor the Lord. And if I'm aiming to please Him, He will direct my path in the right direction, whatever that means for me.

Coincidentally - or rather, Providentially - the sermon on Sunday was related to that lesson. Hmmm..is someone trying to tell me something?

So I'm letting go of the comparisons, and wishing I was more like so-and-so. I'm letting go of focusing on how I measure up to others in the same line of work as me. And I'm focusing on bringing who I am and what I have to offer to the table. Being true to myself as Christian, and true to what I feel called to do. And let me tell you, I have never felt so much joy in my research and in teaching!

I taught a Vinyasa class this evening where we celebrated our breath. We celebrated our bodies and the movements we are able to take. We laughed, we sweated, we flowed, we fell on our face, and we got back up again. It was absolutely exhilarating! I may not be the best yoga teacher out there, and I may not be the most talented researcher by far, but I'm working hard and doing my best, being true to who I am. And that, finally, is enough.

Movies watched during my Michigan visit

*edited*

• The White Dragon
• Star Trek
• Julie & Julia
• The Ugly Truth (I had seen it in the theaters already)
• Flashdance
• Kingdom of Heaven
• Two Lovers
• Revolutionary Road
• Avatar - 3D
• Sherlock Holmes
• Princess and the Frog
• Robin-B-Hood (could only make it through half of it before I had to stop)

Loved Avatar, Star Trek, Sherlock Holmes, and Princess and the Frog. Flashdance was a feel-good '80's flick. And Two Lovers and Revolutionary Road were interesting to me as a Social Psychologist.

Flying back to sunny Austin tomorrow - my vacation is OFFICIALLY over!

The Waiting Game

Last post on dating in a while, I promise. It's just that my blog posts are usually about Yoga or school, but after 3 weeks of vacation, I've actually had time to think.... But anyway.

I was shopping with my with my bestie today, or rather, helping her to shop. She needed some inexpensive clothes for her clinicals (she's in school to be a physical therapist) and so dragged me to Kohl's. So as we have done since high school, we nabbed the big dressing room so she could model her selections as I nod or grimace in response. It suddenly hit me as I watched my friend - who is already married with a kid - while I sat there in my dry-clean only dress and knee-high boots pounding away at my new I-Pod Touch to plan out my first week in Austin that I'm on my way to becoming that lonely career woman that I always feared being. (Note: I'm only wearing a dress in Michigan because 3 weeks of my momma's cooking = too-tight jeans). I am not in a serious relationship, I have two careers, and I am reveling in the single-girl-in-the-city lifestyle. Not that anything is wrong with that. But if I was given a choice between having a cozy family in a tiny house years from now or living an urban lifestyle in a high-rise downtown apartment loft, I'd choose the former. My current choices, I realize, are leading to the latter.

I'm a bit of a workaholic, I admit, but it's not because I really believe I have no time for relationships (the romantic kind). I date, but I haven't found anyone I'm willing to slow down my lifestyle for. I figure, I'm happy, I'm self-sufficient, so I don't need anyone to take care of me (...not that I don't want someone to take care of me). If I were to settle down, it would be for someone I want as a companion, someone I can walk side-by-side with.

I know a lot of fantastic men in Austin. Men who are genuine and kind. Men who are men - the kind women everywhere are looking for. But as fun as I have hanging out with those men, I haven't wanted to enter into a serious relationship the ones I have met because of this intangible feeling called "lack of chemistry or compatibility." I've met men who on paper have everything I'm looking for. We have similar ambitions, similar interests, and I have a lot of fun conversing with them. But I just don't feel that "zsa-zsa-zsu." Which leads me to wonder: am I waiting for something that doesn't exist?

In other words, am I choosing not to settle or am I in need of a reality check?

When I talk to my married friends or those who are in long-term serious relationships, most say they never got the butterflies when they met their partner. That we've been too influenced by the fairy tale concept of the perfect Prince Charming and that relationships are more practical than that. They also use the frustrating phrase "you'll just know." You may not know right away, mind you, but when you meet the right person, eventually, "you'll know." (Sidenote, my bestie used to scoff at that phrase with me until she met "the one." Then she crossed over to the dark side of "you'll know"ers).

So say I'm dating a guy, and he wants to take the relationship a step further, and I'm just not feeling the zsa-zsa-zsu, what should I do? Should I hold on in case somewhere down the line "I'll know?" Or should I be alarmed that while he's perfect on paper, I'm not feeling it, and thus pull the plug on the relationship? Again, am I choosing not to settle by ending it, or am I sentencing myself to a lifetime of being alone?

Of course, I realize I'm only 25 years young and sentencing myself to a lifetime of loneliness would be a bit of a hyperbole for ending one relationship, but once can become twice, twice becomes five, and next thing I know, I'm 50 and alone.

Again, I'm curious to know what others think. How do you know if you're settling or holding out for something that doesn't exist?

The Dating Game

This is a post I've been wanting to write for awhile. That is, the concept of playing "the game."

At the start of any romantic relationship, both parties seem to be involved in this dating game. One person signifies attraction to the other, and the game begins. The game involves giving signals of interest to one another without being overbearing, for if one lays it all out on the table right away, the mystery and the attraction suddenly vanishes. While both sides should be clear about intentions, it's important not to let the relationship develop too fast. In the getting-to-know-you phase, if the choice for an easy out disappears too soon, the relationship partner who is not ready will begin to feel smothered and suffocated and want to leave.

Thus, we get people who play hard to get in relationships. We get those who are hot and cold, then hot again and cold the following week. We are afraid to call too frequently, and we repeatedly analyze words we have said or texted or email in fear that we have revealed too much too soon. We pretend to be apathetic while inside we are completely obsessed.

Let me tell you, this game is EXHAUSTING.

It's true, I'm not a fan of the game. In fact, I've been known to say that I wish we could all just be done with these games, that I'm ready for someone who is just straightforward and honest. Let's just say I learned to be careful what I wish for.

As much as I hate the game, I realized that the game serves two purposes. As stated above, the game allows the relationship time to develop at a slow and healthy pace. But also, as our society has developed into one that is game-playing, the dating game is now a test of social competency. I realized this recently when I was talking about boys with a close girlfriend and she remarked,

"oh, honey, the boy's got no game! You don't want to be with someone who doesn't know how to play the game."

Sadly, I realized she was probably right. The dating game is a way of showing others that you are socially skilled, that you know how to interact with other people. And if you can navigate your way through a dating relationship, you can probably navigate your way through other social situations such as friendships, networking situations, business deals, etc. The dating game has become part of the "mating ritual," a way to prove to the other party that you are desirable and competent as a mate.

I'm curious to know what you all think. Is the dating game now indispensable? Is it really taken as a sign of social competency?

(next post: are we settling or being realistic?)

A Little out of Whack

The last few days I've felt a little off.

The holidays + Michigan freezing weather is wreaking havoc on my body. My left hamstring completely froze up, basically crippling my yoga practice. This morning my whole body felt like dead weight, and every pose was modified so heavily that my practice didn't feel like my practice.

I went home and slept the whole afternoon.

I finally woke up with a heavy migraine that prevented me from being super productive in research.

Now I'm exhausted and nodding off even as I'm blogging. I feel like I'm starting the New Year off on the wrong foot. Hopefully over the next week I'll be able to find order in my life again.

New Year's Resolutions

"A king may move a man, a father may claim a son. But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God you cannot say 'but I was told by others to do this' or that 'virtue was not convenient at the time.' This will not suffice. Remember that". -King Baldwin IV in Kingdom of Heaven.

I've been catching up on a lot of movies this break, both good and really poorly made movies. But this particular quote stood out to me as I was watching Kingdom of Heaven.

As I look forward to the new year, I realize that this year I really want to own up to my actions. To finally take responsibility for myself and not blame my actions on circumstances. There is not much I am in control of, but I am in control of my choices and actions in each given situation. And my actions, no matter how small can have lasting consequences.

So this year, I resolve to be responsible for myself, not blaming my shortcomings on other people or circumstances "e.g., it was the alcohol."

I resolve to not take people's reactions to me so personally, to realize a lot of times people are working through their own issues.

Other goals:

Live alone again, and this time closer to school

Pick up a Master's degree by the end of summer

Take control of my finances - to not go over-budget each month

That's all I can come up with for now. I pray and hope this year will be a year where dreams start being realized, that I will move beyond talk and take action. Happy New Year, everyone!!

A Year in Review

Started hanging out with my Yoga Girls


Lots and lots of Psychology research:


Went to Mexico with ktc:


Attended numerous Ashtanga trainings including completing Ashtanga teacher training with David Swenson:


Spent time boating on Lake Travis and Lake Austin:


Annual Kiss My vacation ending with watching the Mudhens play in Toledo:


Partying it up like there's no tomorrow:


My first UT game:


WICKED:


and lots and lots of Yoga:


Here's to a fantastic 2010!!

Merry Christmas!

Trapezing fun

To celebrate a successful semester, I went trapezing:

Hoping to update soon!

Birthday dinnersThanksgiving
Yoga (can't get the pic right side up for some reason)

Busy, busy, busy with school. Submitted the 2nd of the two review papers on self-enhancement yesterday. Just gave my final presentation and submitted my final paper today. I recently got $1000 grant to run a relationship study, so I got to figure all that out before break. Tomorrow and Friday I will organize my office and devoting my time to relationship research. Hopefully over the next week or so I can finally run the analyses I need on the gene study and start pounding out that manuscript (#3 for the semester). My goal is to have that done before the Spring semester starts.

Not to mention the Taiwan project which is quickly becoming a headache, and exploring the possibility of writing a grant with my lab-mate Michael to look at the concept of strategic self-verification.

Whew! When I finally get a grip on life, hopefully I will update with something of substance. For now, pictures and a laundry list of school tasks will do!

I KNEW she was talented!

A few weeks ago I posted a video of Lady Gaga. Here she is before she become Lady Gaga.

Story of my life lately

My Yoga Hero

It is a momentous day. My Yoga hero just accepted my Facebook friend request. Kino MacGregor is one of the few women in the world who have been certified by Guruji to teach Ashtanga Yoga. The more I learn about her, the more I am convinced that I MUST study with her one day. They say in yoga that "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear." Could this be my teacher?

Beautiful Pose

This is not a picture of me - rather it's my teacher friend Faiza practicing in her apartment. The picture and her pose was just so beautiful that I had to share it with you all. =)

Dads will be Dads

The yoga studio where I teach recently interviewed me for the monthly newsletter and I sent the article to my parents.

My mom's reaction: I'm proud of you!

My dad's reaction: GET SOME SLEEP!

Her Morning Elegance

After iTunes genius suggested repeatedly that I download this song, I finally did. It is absolutely delightful!

Also, for those not on facebook, here is a video from some Ashtanga fun and play with a couple of friends this weekend: http://sharing.theflip.com/session/1f7f9bc93a55cffed58aaef75c66da38/video/7074377

Enjoy!

Do What Blesses You

There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world, I do think it's not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness with those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary, and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair, and disrespect. -- Nikki Giovanni

Got this quote from my beautiful friend Noelle during our weekly Saturday brunch. That's been my motto for the weekend. I decided that I spend too much time doing things that are wasteful and useless, and vow to pour my energy and resources into the things that bless me or bless others. I realize that if I'm to live this out, it's time to make some changes in my life. Changes in how I spend my time, changes even in how often I check Facebook or other online habits I have. And, as the quote above highlights, I need to start making changes in who I choose to invest my time and my heart in.

Now when I say, "do what blesses me," I don't mean "do what makes me happy." I mean what is ultimately good, what will ultimately enrich my life, and what will ultimately glorify God. Those things may not always feel good or be fun, but in the grand scheme of things, they will produce fruit. As I was in conversation with Noelle about choices I had to make even this weekend about who to spend time with, she listened patiently to my ramblings. And she said to me simply, "I think you already know what choice to make. Do what blesses you. Don't make your choices because you feel like you should do something. Because ultimately a choice like that blesses no one."

So true.

On another note, here are some pictures from this past weekend. Normally I HATE Halloween, dressing up, and all that comes with it, but in the spirit of being social, I actually had not one, but TWO costumes this year:

Weekend #1: You can't really see the witch costume well, but this is the only picture I could find where you can actually see me in the costume:

Weekend 2: Austin Bat. Again, not a lot of good pictures, but I'm wearing bat wings. The cane isn't mine - I stole it from a pimp for the picture.

No wonder his movies tanked...

but hilarious nonetheless...

Too good not to share

What do I like?

This is a question I've been asking myself lot over the past week. I've been feeling a lot of unrest and dissatisfaction lately, and couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from. It got to the point where my personal life was bleeding into my work, and my advisor actually approached me and asked if everything was okay, because my efficiency and the quality of my work over the last 2 weeks have not been on par with what it normally is.

So, that's my cue to figure my crap out. I wrote earlier about how I felt I didn't know where my life was going and perhaps I was lacking faith. Through some prayer and conversation, turns out I just don't know what the heck I want anymore.

I live my whole life trying to fit into this ideal that may or may not be right for me. For example, I learn that a Biblical person does this with their money, and I decide that's what I'm going to do with my money. I learn that a good Psychologist does A, B, and C. I go ahead and do A, B, C, and D. I am told that someone who loves the environment is careful to pick up certain habits, and I make those habits a daily routine.

Which in some ways, there is nothing wrong with that, right? I mean, you SHOULD pick up tendencies, goals, etc. that are good and right. However,the problem is I never figured out who I was in the first place! I've gotten to the point where people ask me if I'm a city girl, and I really have no idea anymore. I think I am, but is that because of movies I've seen that romanticizes the lifestyle, or do I actually prefer the quiet countryside?

In yoga, whenever I try to correct bad posture or tendencies, a lot of times I tell people to just observe how their current postures or tendencies without judgement. Because in order to grow and to change, you have to know your starting point. From your starting point, THEN you can make the necessary adjustments. I have NO IDEA what my starting point is in terms of my desires, my dreams, and my preferences. Regardless of whether they are good or bad, I am completely at a loss.

So here begins my journey to discover my preferences. My goal is to only find out what they are without judgement. (I've even started a wall where I will post quotes, clippings, and pictures of things that I like). We shall see where this takes me!

For starters, I love a nice glass of wine with good friends:

What makes my Mondays

Hugging a 7 month old makes Mondays a better day...

Faith

Been dog-sitting the past week again. Here's the little dude.

He's a little cuddle-ho, but oh-so-lovable!
I've been kinda down lately for some reason. Feeling pretty discouraged about life, school, yoga, myself in general. Doesn't help that I've just been fatigued lately, no matter how many hours of sleep I'm getting. I guess there's just some things I've been struggling with, and I feel like I'm running and running with no end in sight.

I had the joy of catching up with one of my dearest friends in Austin this past week. Over happy hour, we shared with each other all that's happened in our lives since we last got together. She's been through a rollercoaster since I last talked to her. She had planned to pack up her life and move to Guatemala for missions when God closed all those doors and completely turned her life upside down by resurrecting and restoring a relationship that had left her broken over the last two years. Now she's completely confused as to what she's supposed to do, and trying to step out in faith even while being haunted by insecurities. At one point, she looked at me with this look of exasperation and said "Tracy, this faith is so hard. Packing up and moving to Guatemala, that's easy for me. Giving my life over to missions, that's easy for me. But staying in Austin and trying to follow God in this relationship - trying to trust Him and follow His lead - that is hard. That faith is difficult!"

I think I feel a lot of unrest in my life because I lack faith. I yearn for this ideal life I have fabricated in my mind, because in that life, it's easy to have faith and follow the Lord. To me, it's easy to have faith when I'm sleeping in the bushes of Africa or South America because faith is all I have. I feel called to the life I have now, but truth be told I'm a little confused as to where I'm going. And to muddle through my life, feeling lonely, not sure when and how God's promises to me will be fulfilled - that just feels like a constant struggle. But perhaps I've been expecting faith to be easy. I've been expecting to coast through my life, knowing exactly where I'm going. But perhaps I'm called to my life now because God's refining my faith in Him. He's teaching me that I have to turn to Him on a daily basis for direction, because there is no way I can find my way on my own.

I've always felt that my grad school years are a time of training for me to prepare me for something greater later on. But now that I'm in the middle of this time, I've lost track of what I'm supposed to be doing. It took a dear friend to remind me and set me back on track, and for that I'm so grateful.

Pa-pa-paparazzi

As strange as she is, I have to give her props for raw talent. I think she's one of the more talented Top 40 artists out there.

Life lately

A little jewel of a song I discovered today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zWT3K3LRlfw

I've been practicing yoga at Castle Hill this week. I finally had to make a decision to pay for classes again, but I really think the decision was worth it. Being able to get a daily practice in again with personal instruction has been invaluable. It also is making a difference in my teaching. As I'm having to make decisions about the fall already, I'm considering switching over to teaching exclusively Ashtanga. Not sure yet about what I will decide, but it's on my list of considerations.

But again, Castle. It's a delightful little gym in downtown Austin with a strong yoga program. Juan, the head of the program, is an Ashtangi. Thus, there is a traditional 6 day a week Mysore program both at 6AM and at noon. Each session is about 2 hours long, so I can usually fit in both first and second series (I'm only through half of it) which is nice. The best part for me (as a student) is that the classes are pretty small. When there are only 10 people or so, that's a lot of personal attention from the teacher.

I love that there are showers at Castle Hill. Makes a HUGE difference. The showers are nice bathroom quality showers, not the usual locker room showers. The lockers are free to any users and Castle also provides toiletries such as shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, exfoliating wash, toothbrush, even spray on deodorant and a free towel service. I'll probably book a session with the acupuncturist (I have a coupon for that), measure my body composition in their little pod thingy, and grab breakfast one day at their little organic/natural food cafe.

Anyway, I finally resubmitted my meta-analysis a week ago and took a week off writing to catch up with the rest of my work. Then suddenly I got hit with a bad cold this weekend and am finally recovering and catching up on sleep again. Amazingly, getting more sleep is making me more efficient at school. Hmmmm..probably should take that lesson with me. Just have one more funding source to apply to tonight, and tomorrow I start writing the follow up paper to the meta-analysis. Hopefully as my body recovers and I adopt a more healthy sleep schedule, I'll be able to start adding more fun into my schedule again.

It'll be a good weekend though. I'm teaching my first Mysore class on Friday (so excited!) and will attend a little wedding reception Saturday evening. Sunday I'm going to kick-start my core strength with Matt B's core workshop at Kula.

I'm giving up caffeine

Attempt #5008 to give up caffeine.

I can't survive on as little sleep anymore, so I'm constantly tired and achy.

I even toppled over in the middle of demonstrating a posture in a yoga class I was teaching.

My ears have been ringing all day.

Caffeine is a dangerous, dangerous drug.

Evolving practice...

Some images from Roomie's birthday weekend.

Been keeping busy. Hopefully, this week we will finally finish revising my meta-analysis and resubmit to PSPR. Then it's on to its companion paper. A surprising turn of events is leading me to possibly first author that paper, which is daunting since the paper is purely a theoretical piece. Empirical papers are so much easier to write, and I feel very out of my element on this project.

My yoga classes are slowly but steadily growing. While teaching used to be just a hobby that put some cash in my pocket and gets me free classes at my studio, it's actually becoming a substantial part of my earnings each month. I do love teaching, but am now starting to consider making it more of a (second) career. That involves marketing myself a bit more and investing more time and energy in yoga, but it seems like there have been people popping up in my life just at the right time to start me down that path.

Anyway, I shared this with my Ashtanga class on Saturday, but I had this thought during practice last week. My practice, the alignments that worked for me, even my teaching style has evolved dramatically since I first began. I was a little alarmed when I first realized this, wondering if I had strayed from what is "true." But I realized that Ashtanga has changed my body, my mindset...it has changed me and continually changes me. And as I change and grow, what served me in the past no longer serves me now. My practice MUST evolve along with me. People often act surprised when they find out that I practice the same set of postures daily. Doesn't practice ever get monotonous? No, it doesn't! Because every time I step on the mat, I'm a little different from the day before. Each practice is an exploration of what works for me today. It's a discovery of what has changed, what stayed constant, and how the last 24 hours has impacted me mentally, physically, and emotionally. I love Ashtanga because it requires humility as I step on the mat each day because I never know what my practice will bring.

Are they yogis...or simply drunk?

My momma forwarded me these pictures. Hilarious!

Everything is connected

A friend emailed this to me. Although this is Guriji, I do not give adjustments like this to my students. So rest easy!

Trying to get back to blogging more regularly. This past week found me sleeping on average about 5 hours a night, leaving me pretty discombobulated when my mind and body decided to start giving out around Tuesday night. I slept about 7 hours last night, which felt wonderful and will try to keep recuperating this week. The combination of sleep deprivation and cold, rainy weather is causing me to crave junk foods which is making my physical condition even worse, but I'm seriously going to spend this weekend nursing myself back to health.

Been realizing how everything really is connected. I have relatively tight hamstrings (and consequently, I'm currently nursing a right hamstring injury from pushing myself too hard), a relatively weak core, and left shoulder soreness. Interestingly enough, my friend and yoga teacher Selena pointed out to me that she thinks all three seemingly unrelated weaknesses may stem from my hyperflexible back. Because my back is so flexible, I have a harder time engaging my core, even in easy standing postures, resulting in a weak core. The flexy back also affects how I stand, causing me to stick my tailbone up a little more than most people which causes my legs to tilt forward a little more, shortening my hamstrings and tightening them. The weak core also makes it more difficult for me to engage during chatarangas, causing me to carry more weight than I should in my shoulders. Because my left shoulder is weaker (I had sprained it last summer), it cannot carry the weight as effectively, hence the soreness.

Our body is so interconnected in a way that my back can affect my left shoulder and right hamstring!

Similarly, our mental, physical, and emotional states are so interconnected. How healthy my body is, the nutrition it receives, if it is getting exercise, can all impact my mood as well as my ability to think clearly. The goal of yoga is union, and we seek to be able to view the person holistically as well as heal ourselves holistically.

It really brings new insight into Matthew 12:12-26. The body IS a unit and every part is dependent on the other part working. Disunity in the body is detrimental to the person as a whole, and we as believers are all parts of the body of Christ. If the back is not working properly, the effects can impair even the shoulder and hamstring. Thus it is so important to seek unity. It is important to identity what parts of the body are weak and to take care in nursing it back to health. It is also important for the body to safely learn to compensate for injury in a way that doesn't harm the other parts of the body. How amazing is it that this analogy is demonstrated so clearly in our physical bodies!

Updating my 101 list

I might actually have to redo a little of my 101 . There are a few items on there that I'm not so much copping out on, but are no longer reasonable tasks for me to achieve. For example, it turns out that it's a little too late in my graduate career to be applying for the NRSA if I am planning to graduate in 5 years.

Still, I have accomplished a few things. I tried a Bikram yoga class on Labor Day. I arrived to a hot, sweaty, and extremely smelly room. After years of doing Ashtanga, I have to say that the practice did nothing for me physically. Yes, I sweated, but it was not from physical exertion. In fact, I did not feel winded at all - I felt like I barely worked out at all! External heat does a lot for your flexibility - I was shocked at how flexible I was at 6 AM only 15 minutes into the practice.

I also finally emailed off my research proposal for a project I am hoping to run in Taiwan. With the revisions for my meta-analysis in my advisor's lab, I now have to buckle down and applying for funding for my studies. I have to say this week I've been so busy with teaching and research that I've given up practicing yoga (only been 3 days and it's already KILLING ME!!) and brushing my hair. Hopefully things will settle down by Sunday.

But over the past few weeks, I've had some time for fun:

I saw Wicked with the roomie:

and went to my first UT game.

Unfaithful

Been debating whether to post this since it's going to be a rather personal post. But here goes.

As a relationships researcher, and as a woman in her twenties, I think a lot about relationships. Lately, I've been listening obsessively to Rihanna's song Unfaithful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_4-zRVFLnY.

The song really struck a chord in me. In the song, Rihanna is singing about how much she loves a man. "He is more than a man, and this is more than love," she says. But for some reason, she cannot stay faithful to him. She loves him so much that her unfaithfulness is killing her inside. She hates hurting him over and over again, but she just can't seem to stop. She sings "Our love, his trust, I might as well put a gun to his head...I don't want to do this anymore." I think we as listeners are supposed to be relating to HER pain and HER struggle of hurting the man she loves.

But my reaction is this: THAT ISN'T LOVE!! Rihanna, you DON'T love him. If you really knew how to love, you wouldn't hurt that man!! Yet that is when I realized that we live in a world where people are so broken that they simply do not know how to love. They are not necessarily malicious, they are just incapable of loving.

Very recently I was involved with a guy who was constantly letting me down. And each time he saw that I was hurt, he'd also have a pained look in his eyes as he pleaded for me to forgive him. "I don't mean to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. But I know that I keep hurting your feelings."

The hard thing is that he's right. I know this guy never meant to hurt me. But the truth was, he lacked the ability to love me the way I needed to be loved. It doesn't mean that I should put up with not being loved correctly, and so finally by the grace of God I was able to walk away from that relationship.

I find when I look back at that relationship, I have nothing but compassion on that guy. And I have nothing but compassion for Rihanna's character in the song. And when I hear stories of people hurting (not physically) each other in relationships, I know that more times than not, it's not with malicious intent, but it's because people are imperfect and so they lack the ability to love correctly. Rather than demonizing those who have hurt me or my friends, I feel sorry for them. Because they are doing the best they can, yet their "love" has such limits. (And I'm not claiming to be an exception to this).

The result of this is that I do find it hard to trust people, especially in the context of romantic relationships. However, I was talking to my roommate's boyfriend yesterday and he reminded me of a very important truth.

First of all, I do need to learn to trust again. Otherwise, I'll never again let anyone in my life. Second of all, I have to keep in the forefront of my mind where I am placing my identity. If my entire identity is in how I am treated in a relationship, or even my relationship status, then of course being slighted in the relationship will be absolutely devastating to me. But if I keep my identity rooted solely in the Lord - as His child and as His bride - then there is a lot less at stake. My identity and my value will never change. Relationships come and go. Maybe I get rejected. Maybe I get hurt. I am sure to laugh, to cry, to feel joy, and to feel pain. But through it all, who I am and my value as a human being will never, ever be touched.

Tales from the Recycling Bin

I misplaced my old SIGG waterbottle and finally stopped at Whole Foods to buy a new one today. 1 Liter bottle, baby!! This will keep me hydrated for sure!!

I sorted through and took our recycling to the Ecology Center downtown this morning. As gross of a chore as it is, it's always interesting to learn about our eating habits through this process. For one, we don't really have that much to recycle - I tend to buy more produce and thus don't accumulate a lot of empty cans from canned food. Mandy doesn't contribute much to the pile since she normally eats out. But here are some other things I noticed:

• I drink a LOT of soda. And I mean a LOT. 80% of our recyclables from the past 6 weeks consist of soda cans.
• Mandy eats a ton of Lean Cuisines for dinner.
• I have been making a lot of Mac & Cheese for dinner this month. Probably due to my summer budget...
• I also eat a ton of yogurt. Honey-flavored Greek yogurt, that is.
• We don't drink much at home. There wasn't a single beer can or wine bottle in the recycling this month.
• Mandy and I consume an ungodly amount of HEB's Mango pico de gallo.

Probably not very interesting information to anyone but me but there you go.

Weekend Recap

I have a lot to blog about, but am totally swamped with work. On the upside, my life is certainly not boring!

Here are some highlights from my weekend. Pictures and descriptions to follow.

• My laptop power cord broke Friday night so have been using the tiny Sony Vaio my advisor gave me. Good news is that it has Internet and Microsoft Office. Bad news (or good news for my productivity) is that it doesn't have the software for me to watch Youtube videos, and it is lacking all the games and pictures and music I downloaded onto my own laptop.
• Saturday I had lunch with some of my lovely yoga ladies between teaching classes and learned that I can order a little contraption that records my sleep cycle. I could never afford such a contraption, but I hear it comes with a 30 day free trial. Also taught my last 1:30 vinyasa class where we played with koundinyasana. Starting this Saturday the class is switching to Ashtanga. SO EXCITED!
• Saturday evening went to a really fun party. Afterward headed downtown where I had a little less fun. Seriously, the downtown club scene really isn't my thing anymore. I prefer a nice wine bar, a pub, or a low-key lounge with some eats.
• Sunday did pro-presenter for church. Then roomie and I got all dressy-uppy to see Broadway's Wicked. SO GOOD. I was teary-eyed through at least half of it. Afterward we went in all our fancy dresses and strappy heels to a little hole-in-the-wall seafood joint and had oysters and queso.

Fun, fun weekend, but now I'm paying for not getting enough work done...yikes!

Overheard at the Grocery Store

A dad with 2 daughters was in line behind me at the grocery store. The way the dad talked to his daughters was hilarious! It was all I could do to not turn around and stare. Here are a few exchanges I overheard:

6 year old girl: Oooh...mommy would like that. Let's buy it!

Dad: Uh....no. I don't think mommy would appreciate me buying her an advice article on how to lose weight.

Dad: Honey, your intonation is annoying me.

6 year old girl: What's intonation?

Dad: Your tone of voice. Stop it.

3 year old girl: I want cotton candy.

Dad: No, we made a deal and you can't break it now.

*3 year old girl starts crying*

Dad: Oh your life is soooo hard. Boo-hoo.

Mushi Sushi *edited*

Celebrating Madeline's 28th at one of the best sushi restaurants: Musashino.
The rolls:
The sashimi platter:
Last night I went out for some ridiculous sushi. The yoga girls don't joke around when it comes to food! We not only ordered a $100 platter of sashimi, but preceded that with 2 orders of appetizers and 7-8 orders of sushi. Add to that a bottle of bubblies, sake, and carrot cake with cream cheese frosting from Whole Foods - let's just say I am still recovering from the food coma. I love my girls (and Jon, who is indeed an honorary yoga girl). I laugh more with them than when I'm with anybody else in Austin! (Though roomie does come in a close second...)

I have been at school since 9AM and in fact am still working without a break. Today was the first day of official classes and already it has been a ridiculously productive day. I made headway on the revision for PSPR (my advisor and I are hoping to turn the whole paper around in a week or two), and discussed some possible paper ideas with another professor in my area whose class I'm taking this semester.

Since I can't make it to yoga on Wednesdays, I get to work straight through the day. It's really a lot more productive that way! I really miss a consistent morning mysore practice. I'm actually finding myself looking forward to December when I might go back to Michigan for a full month to relax with the family and practice at Matthew's shala!

Wisdom from a fellow yogini

After a year of failed attempts, roomie and I finally got a decent picture of the two of us!

I was thinking during yoga practice today of what separates some yogis from the rest of the pack. I don't mean it in a competitive way, but there are yogis who practice for years and years without any breakthrough, and then there are yogis who seem to really take to the practice and grow. My friend Madeline said it well this weekend when she said there are yogis who play it safe and have a maintainance practice, and there are yogis who challenge themselves and don't shy away from their edge. The edge is that fine line between pushing yourself too far, and challenging yourself. The first is driven by the ego. It is driven by the need to achieve at the cost of your own body, and it goes against some of the foundational principles of yoga philosphy: non-grasping, non-harming, non-stealing, self-study. The second is driven by being true to who we are and working to reach our full potential. A lot of yoga teachers tell students to be true to who they are. Most of the time that is taken to mean don't push yourself farther than you are able to go. However, it also means to not cheat ourselves from reaching our full potential - to not hold back when it is safe and possible to keep going. Of course, we are limited by our bodies. There is a woman who I see often in yoga classes whose body is naturally inflexible. But she has the most beautiful practice to me because despite the limitations of her body, she shows up to the mat and works her edge on a daily basis.

The reason I thought of this was because I was thinking of my friend Madeline's life. Her life isn't perfect, but she is physically one of the most talented yoginis I know, and careerwise, everything she touches turns into gold. I often wondered what her secret to success was. When she made that comment about the two types of yoga practices, it clicked for me. Madeline is successful the way she is because a) she has the talent to begin with, but also b) she doesn't play it safe. In yoga and in life she finds her edge and keeps challenging herself to play with that edge.

That's when I realize that in my yoga practice and in my Psychology career, sometimes I have to challenge myself to go beyond what is comfortable. I have to dive into the unknown, to keep going when I think I have nothing left because frankly, most of the time the barrier is psychological.