Almost there...

The current pose I'm working on is Laghu Vajrasana - you drop back to the posture above, wait 5 breaths, and use your core to pull yourself back upright. I can't pull up yet, and the last time I tried, I pulled up just high enough to fall back and bruise the top of my head.

So the new strategy is to lower just enough where I don't lose track of my core and can still pull all the way upright. It's a KILLER on the quads so I haven't been able to come down very far. Today my head hovered within an inch above the floor. AN INCH!! Cue victory dance...

PS. For those of you wondering, Austin is going to be safe from Hurricane Ike. They are forecasting thunderstorms and high winds, but I highly doubt we're even going to get heavy rain this weekend.

Ah, blessed sleep!

I slept a full 8 hours last night and woke up happy and refreshed!!

I have a full day of catching up on research and reading ahead of me today, but the nice thing is I have absolutely nowhere to be all day! After 3 days without practice, I may treat myself to not 1, but 2 yoga classes today. A nice early afternoon Prana Vinyasa Flow practice with Sanieh, and an evening Ashtanga Mysore class with Selena where I get to work through the second series. Melanie Fawer, one of 10 women in the world who is certified (not just authrorized!!) to teach ashtanga by Guruji is coming to Austin next weekend and I am gearing up for that!!

Thursdays are my longest days since I TA, followed by back to back classes, teach an Ashtanga class at UT, then finish the night off with community group. At first I was apprehensive about the long day (and it is long), and true enough, by the time I got to the yoga class I was pretty much brain dead. I got there about 15-20 minutes early to warm up with sun salutations and immediately begin to feel better. 27 students showed up to that class, and by the end of the class I was wide awake and ready to go to community group. Good thing, too, as we're studying 1 Peter which lead to some pretty convicting discussions.

Speaking of my church, I'm LOVING the direction our church is taking. We're finally building a church building in the poorest neighborhood in Austin. The vision of the church is to be a church for the city, not just in the city, and part of their building plans is to include offices where non-profits organizations that benefit our city can reside. Anyway, I've definitely had a lot of thoughts about where my life is going, both in the short and long run. But that's another post...

Trouble Sleeping

It's been a week of restless sleep. This morning I dreamed that I woke up too late and missed helping my friend return his rental car as well as my yoga class at 24 hour fitness (resulting me in me getting fired). I woke up in a panic at 8 AM, 2 hours before I was actually scheduled to be anywhere.

Crazy. I must be more stressed than I realize.

Vulnerability

I had the yummiest yoga practice yesterday. Jonny Kest was in Austin and I had treated myself to one of his workshops. 2 1/2 hours of nonstop movement - it was amazing. Lately, as my shoulders and upper body strength are getting stronger, I've been having a blast playing with arm balances. There were no shortage of those in his class, and most of them were used as warm-ups!

An exercise we worked on at one point is to just take 5 minutes and silently stare into a partner's eyes. I got paired with a complete stranger. This woman was a cycling instructor who, as soon as she placed her mat on the floor, asserted to anyone who cared who she was and what her experience was in yoga. Very eager to present herself in a positive light and communicate with others that she was strong, fit, knowledgeable, and capable. But as soon as we entered into the exercise, she FREAKED out. Every few seconds she'd whisper to me "I'm uncomfortable, are you uncomfortable?" I just smiled and kept staring. Then she began to fidget uncontrollably, her eyes began to wonder, and then she'd turn back to me and try to start a conversation. I just smiled and kept staring. As soon as the exercise was over, she broke away and began chatting about exactly how uncomfortable that exercise was, and began to reassert her competence by sharing about her experiences as a cycling instructor. She didn't speak another word to me that entire class.

It hit me how vulnerable people are and what lengths people would go to protect their vulnerability. People do not want strangers to see their weaknesses because they don't want to be seen as lesser people than they think they are. I wonder...why is this? Why do we not want to be seen as less than we are? Along the same lines, why are we so afraid to be wronged? Is it due to ego? Is it something culturally engrained in us? Or is there something hardwired in us that hates being on the receiving end of injustice?

Found!

Found a gem of a picture on my roommate's camera from when Amanda visited. This is us watching the bats by the South Congress bridge.

Ah, I miss the summer already!!

So begins another school year...

This was me at the Houston airport en route from Michigan to Austin, tired after 3 hours of delays.

School has started. My long weekend will be spent writing papers and reading (hopefully by my pool). I was very apprehensive about jumping back into things, but feel much better about it now. If only I didn't get so used to hanging out with people all the time, I'd be much better at buckling down and studying.

My roommate's parents are visiting us this weekend so Mandy and I have been scrambling to clean and finish setting up the apartment. It's pretty much done except for the dining room. I'm selling our current dining room table (we saved it from the junkyard) on Craigslist since I bought a cute black dining set from IKEA. We've only assembled 2 chairs before I hurt my wrists and decided to quit.

Here is the updated living room (the big wooden thing on the left is actually our entertainment system). The only thing left to do in the living room is to install our chandelier light.

On another note... I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but I find that I am constantly plagued by shame. I leave many interactions I have (school, yoga - including classes I teach, friends) regretting things I did or said. I know it's completely stupid because I'll find out later the other party left the same interaction with a pleasant experience. And I find that if I carry myself with a shameful and apologetic attitude, people respond accordingly. So even if I feel ashamed, I fake confidence and joy. But the more I fake it, the more it bothers me within.

I wonder - does anyone else experience this? And how do I get over this propensity toward shame?

My prayer for the school year

Own Me by Ginny Owens

Got a stack of books,
So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.

And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.

Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Chorus:
Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed

Marta got hitched!!

No pictures of the ceremony yet (forgot my camera at home) but here are some previews:

The bride getting ready at the salon:Her besties celebrating at the reception:

Oh the horror!

I'm one of the yoga instructors for my school's recsports program, and a few weeks back, I was invited to be in a photo shoot for our promotional material.

Today before teaching, I picked up a copy of our '08-'09 informational booklet.


To my horror I found this:


Yes, I am the girl in green sitting in the lopsided lotus pose.

Not only did they not choose any of more impressive postures I held (for what seemed like forever), they photoshopped all my hair out!! (You can't see it, but there's a stray wisp of hair on my shoulder that is coming out of nowhere due to photoshop). Talk about flattering!

Green War

The word "eco-friendly" has been on my mind a lot as of late. My otherwise fantastic roommate and I have one major difference. I'm eco-conscious and she's... well, as far away from it as you can get.

Besides having minor contentions over the thermostat level (I'm arguing to turn the air up to 78-80 degrees while she's more comfortable at 68-70 degrees), I've found myself developing some new habits:

1. Buying eco-friendly and recycled household products such as toilet paper, detergent, and cleaners. Although the brand Seventh Generation is a little too pricey, I was surprised by the selection of less expensive environmentally conscious brands
2. Shutting off the air vents in my bedroom so there's one less room for the central air to cool off.
3. Following my roommate around the apartment, turning off light switches that she left on (gotta figure out how to be more subtle about this one).
4. Digging through the trash can, salvaging any recyclables to take to the recycling center.
5. Driving less. Carpooling more and taking the bus to school whenever possible.
6. Canceling subscriptions of magazines I don't read anymore. Opting out of paper catalogs. Also, opting out of junk mail through DMAChoice Mail and opting out of prescreened credit card offers.
7. Being more vigilant about using reuseable shopping bags. There's been many a time when the wide-eyed bagger watched me stuff more than he/she ever thought possible into my two bags.

There are a few things I'm still trying to work on, however:

1. Using less water when I shower. I still have a hard time shutting off the water when I'm soaping up, but I do try to keep my showers under 7 minutes.
2. Buying local. There's a Farmer's Market down the street from campus on Wednesdays that I'm going to start frequenting between school and community group in the fall.
3. My car. Something is up with the engine and it's now only getting about 20 miles to the gallon (it's supposed to get 27 miles in the city). I don't know why since it's passed all the inspections and everything. I've been perusing craigslist for a cheap car with better mileage so I can sell this car, but nothing falls within my price range (and by price range, I mean the amount I'm willing to ask my parents to loan me). I'm taking it into the shop tomorrow morning to get it checked out and hopefully I can get it to run a little more efficiently.
4. I'm considering buying a bissell sweeper instead of using a vacuum cleaner. They come pretty cheap and are easier to use, in my opinion, than a vacuum.
5. Using less paper at school. I have a nasty habit of really marking up everything I read, and find it very very difficult to read papers on the computer.
6. Buying recycled school supplies.

It's really hard to make some of these changes especially on a tight budget. Organic or local produce sometimes just costs more than regular produce. But I wonder if spending is just like time management. Sometimes you don't need more time, but better time management. Maybe what I need isn't more money, but just better money management.

Keeping Steady

I feel like my Ashtanga practice is has multiple personality disorder. Monday through Thursday of last week I felt like I was clumsily trudging through. Friday was strong and smooth - was able to work through some of second series and just felt like a million bucks. Sunday I hit the mat and felt like dead weight. Today, however, I felt physically crappy all day, but had a smooth and strong practice in mysore.

On the upside, today I had a minor victory - I finally was able to touch my ankles in urdhva dhanurasana. I didn't grab my ankles, mind you, but I did touch them.

On the downside, I'm on the verge of a hamstring injury. My right hamstring has been getting incredibly tight to the point where I can't fully get into the janu sirsasanas and any of the wide legged forward folds. I'll have to back off majorly on any posture involving the hamstrings in the next week or so or risk an injury more serious than my sprained shoulder.

A few more days and I head back to Ann Arbor for Marta's wedding. Pretty excited about the festivities followed by a week of rest and relaxation.

Adjusting to North Life

Minus a few minor decorations and the acquisition of dining room chairs, our new apartment is up and running. I'm adjusting to the new location and a new routine. It's been awesome having guests at my apartment more often - I forgot how much I love hosting and having people over!

I took the bus to school today. Minus the commute time (1 hour) it is actually really really convenient. The bus picks me up pretty much right at my front door and drops me off 2 blocks from my building. If I can manage to get reading done on the bus, I'm all set for the school year.

It's hard to believe that school starts in 3 short weeks. I'm beginning to get anxious to know what my fall schedule is going to be like - both in yoga teaching and my teaching assistantship for school. One thing for sure - I have to take a step back in the amount I'm teaching yoga. It's beginning to get in the way of my schoolwork as well as my own personal yoga practice!

On another note, this past weekend some friends and I went to a lakehouse in Marble Falls and spent the day on the lake, rafting, boating, and waterskiing. It was an amazing experience!

New Apartment (details to come...)

Kitchen before:

Kitchen after:

Living room before:

Living room after:

Bathroom before:

Bathroom after:

My pool:

Barbeque area:

All moved in!

I moved into my new place this past weekend! Pictures to come when the internet is installed on Friday...

Why I love Ashtanga

Today I had the best yoga practice I've had since before I injured my shoulder. Mondays are my favorite practice days as I attend Sharon's Mysore class, an Ashtanga self-practice class where I can take the time to refine the first series and begin working on second series. After a long string of teaching days, I was grateful to be able to truly focus on my own practice today.

They say all Ashtangis go through a honeymoon period with the practice. At the beginning everything is new and challenging. You literally can see your body opening up like crazy in every single practice. But after the honeymoon period fades, you go to practice faithfully day after day, just hoping to see even millimeters of change. My 7-month long honeymoon phase ended in early March. I love the practice. I love its metaphoric nature to life. I love the tight-knit community of Ashtangis in Austin. But I've also been worried that my practice has grown stagnant as I've started to turn on autopilot and just run through the series.

Having to be mindful of my shoulder changed all that. Teaching yoga also began to change all that. Today I notice a qualitative difference in my practice. My jump-throughs had a little more lift to them. My navasanas were steady. I was able to expand my chest just a little bit more in kurmasana and upavista konasana. Heck, I was able to fully hook my right foot behind my head for supta kurmasana. Except for one posture that involves a deep shoulder opening (prasarita padottanasana C), my practice is right back to where it was before my injury, if not beyond. Even my teacher Sharon noticed a difference and mentioned it to me afterward.

Ashtanga is teaching me the practice of discipline. The practice of being faithful to something without necessarily seeing results. Because that discipline does produce a wealth of benefits, whether I am aware of it or not. I just hope I can learn to apply this discipline to other areas of my life, including my spiritual life.

Barton Springs Goodness

A beautiful Saturday with some of my favorite people in Austin. Need I say more?

Anything BUT lonely!

I realize my last post may have implied that coming back to Austin made me lonely, but I assure you I've been anything but lonely! I was flipping through an old poetry book my dad had given me back in high school and just loved that poem.

Kiss My Croaker ended well. It was one of those rare trips that I wanted to go on forever. Still, all good things must come to an end. Here is a picture of our group on the beach for the 4th of July:


The five housemates from the Pirate House reunited on this trip. This has been the first time all five of us have been in one place since May of 2006!

Finally, a few of us snuck out of the cabin after everyone else was asleep. Late night fun with sparklers.

I've been settling back into a nice schedule of teaching yoga and school. Between my regular classes and subbing, I'm up to teaching about 5-6 classes a week. It has been good catching up with Austin friends too. I've been taking full advantage of the shows at the Alamo Drafthouse this week.

My shoulder is improving. I begin physical therapy next week. I've also started practicing yoga again. This morning I attended a yoga class, subbed a class, then drove down to Barton Springs. It was the first time I've gone to Barton Springs alone. I just felt like spending some time on my own, to read and work on my paper. The temperature was over 100 degrees, and it was just sweltering! I was reading a book I borrowed from my advisor titled "Self-Esteem, Issues and Answers." This led a perfect stranger, M from Boston, to approach me and we engaged in an absolutely fabulous conversation about identity and mindfulness. When the heat got a little too much to handle, I went for a quick dip in the 70 degree water. The water was GLORIOUS!

Unfortunately, my laptop could only take so much of the heat so I couldn't spend the entire day at the springs. I have a feeling the rest of my summer weekends will be spent outside, either at the springs, or tubing on the Guadalupe river, or at Gehr's lakehouse. *sigh* I wish the summer would never end!

Tonight I'm going downtown for sushi with some good friends. At some point, I suppose I have to start packing. I move to a new apartment in exactly 2 weeks!

Alone

"When I'm alone" -- the words tripped off his tongue

As though to be alone were nothing strange.

"When I was young," he said; "when I was young...."

I thought of age, and loneliness, and change.

I thought how strange we grow when we're alone,

And how unlike the selves that meet and talk,

And blow the candles out, and say good night.

Alone....The word is life endured and known.

It is the stillness where our spirits walk

And all but inmost faith is overthrown.

~Seigfried Sassoon

Tales from the Road, Part 2

Today was the perfect day. I woke up at around 10 and just spent some time reading and journaling. I planned a yoga sequence, checked my email, and registered for a class and filled out some online paperwork for school. Everyone had left the cabin so all was just quiet and calm. Later I went on a walk with friends and frolicked on the beach. After a late lunch (at 4pm!!) we went back to the beach where I read and took a nap. I collected a bag full of seashells and surfed the waves. Back to the house, dinner, and evening activities. All in all a full but exhausting day.

I really want to live by the coast some day. I'm not talking about freshwater coast, but the ocean coast. Something about the waves and the salty water really appeals to me. You know how sometimes a setting just "clicks" with you? I've been reading the book "Eat Pray Love" and the author was saying how sometimes a location or a culture just share the same "word" as you. I love nature, but no matter what I try: hiking, mountaining, flying, skydiving... I feel like I'm doing something temporary. Like, it was fun and I'm done with that activity. But out by the ocean, it just feels like home. When we walked by the beach in the dark last night, it felt like home. It still felt like home today in the daylight. Maybe I'm a silly romantic, but I peered out into the waves last night and marveled at the idea that I'm wading in the same ocean that is mentioned in all the history and folklore.

Tomorrow my friend Lily is trying to get everyone up to watch the sunrise at 5:30. At this point I'm contemplating an all-nighter...

Tales from the Road, Part 1

Arrived safely and sound in our cabin on the Outer Banks. Out of all our trips, this one is the prettiest cabin so far. Doesn't hurt we're less than a quarter mile from the Atlantic Ocean.

My Ann Arbor trip was good. Spent a lot of time with Marta, going on walks, accompanying Ethan to the playground. I love my new friends in Austin, but it was nice hanging out with people who have known me for years and years again.

Can't believe how much Ethan has grown since I last saw him. He's no longer a baby, but a toddler now. Despite my injured shoulder, I couldn't resist picking him up and playing with him. That, along with yoga, may have worsened my condition. It started throbbing Thursday night and I had Marta look at it for me on Friday morning. She told me the alignment seemed off to me and asked me if it was possibly dislocated. I laughed and told her it was impossible. That may have been mistake number one.


Friday afternoon Jon, Jessi, Amanda, and I caravaned in two cars from Ann Arbor toward DC where we'd meet up with 5 more from the gang: Mel, Lily, Sarah, Sarah, and Dan. The first leg of the trip was fairly uneventful minus one of us decided to relieve ourself on the side of the road unknowingly less than 500 yards before a rest area, as well as missing a turn and ending up in Annpolis at 2am.

We took off the next day, 9 of us in 3 different cars and headed toward North Carolina. Traffic was a little crazy, so we decided to take local roads for part of the trip. That took us by Best Buy where we decided to hop out and purchase Wii Rockband for the trip.

During this part of the trip, I became convinced there was something very very wrong with my shoulder and started freaking out a little. Still, we had 7 or so hours before arriving at our destination so as a compromise, the car I was in would at an ER about one hour away from our cabin. This was the last time I've been spotted with full use of both arms:

It turns out my shoulder is NOT dislocated. Rather, I have an AC separation (otherwise known as a shoulder separation). Stage 3 requires surgery. Luckily, I came in at stage either 1 or 2 (I have to schedule a visit with the orthopaedist when I go home). Now for the rest of the week, my arm is in a sling and I'm constantly on either vicodin or tylenol codeine. On my doctor's note, it emphasized that I need to not practice yoga for at least 7 days. Besides my inability to boogey board in the ocean, drum in rock band, or practice yoga, it's nice to be taken care of on this trip. More to come...

Good to be home.

Picture of the cabin we rented this year. Can't wait to get there on Saturday!!

It's good to be home. I'm at day 6 of being home with the parents and am actually a little sad to be leaving them this afternoon for Ann Arbor. (But just a little, because I'm heading to North Carolina tomorrow for my annual Kiss My Vacation...) Besides jarring discoveries such as the no longer-existence of Farmer Jack and replacement of old buildings and shops with new ones, home is the same as always.

Home is restful. I've been catching up on movies all week. In college and post college, my dad was always one step behind me in what movies we've seen. Now, our roles are flipped. This week I've watched Shaolin Soccer, Bourne Ultimatum, Ocean's Thirteen, Prince Caspian, August Rush, and the Bucket List. I try to work on research during the day (sometimes successful, sometimes not), practice some gentle yoga at home (still nursing that shoulder), and go on a daily walk with the parents (they are the only people I know who goes on walks at Meijer). Oh and I've been eating warm homecooked food (hope I still fit into my swimsuit!)

It's been good seeing everyone again, too. I hung out with the youth group a few times, went to Marti's wedding shower, and grabbed drinks with Lena. Tonight Marta, Lena, and I are going to relive our girl's nights days before I reunite with the Kiss My Gang.

Good news though! I just found out today that I got hired as a yoga instructor at the yoga studio where I practice!! Apparently as a sub/yoga instructor I get free unlimited classes. No more mopping floors or taking out recycling to pay for my classes!! I may ask to stay permanently on the sub list at 24 hour fitness and concentrate on teaching at UT and at my studio. My hope is to rack up enough teaching hours to work toward my 500 hour teaching certification (after I graduate, of course).

Couldn't resist posting this comic strip. Seriously the story of my life.

Frozen Shoulder

I haven't been able to use my left shoulder in almost a week.

Last week I reinjured my left rotator cuff. It wasn't such a bad injury so I continued to use it like normal and practice yoga, taking care to ice it and massage it with icy hot each night. Sunday I felt better and pushed myself a little too hard in yoga. Monday I could no longer extend my left arm back or even clasp my hands behind my back.

It's been a frustrating week since my left hand (and consequently arm and shoulder) is dominant. My injury has impaired my ability to make sharp left turns while driving, carry my bags on my left side, and perform simple chores such as sweeping and mopping. Not to mention I am not able to practice yoga at all. (Elliptical workouts are still okay as long as I don't swing my arm).

Yet, through the frustrations, it's been self-revealing and an opportunity for growth. I realize that I've started become goal oriented rather than process oriented, and this injury is forcing me to step back and reevaluate my purpose for doing things. It's also helping me to break through patterns and habits I've established and to rediscover my own rhythm and my own style. It's also a timely injury. I leave for vacation tomorrow and have the opportunity to rest and recuperate!!

Guess who I get to see in less than 2 weeks????

Surprise visit from old friends

I've been a bit homesick for my friends and family from back home. Memorial Day weekend, Amanda flew down to Texas to visit me (post pictures on facebook redheaded girl!!!) and this week, two other friends from my posse I affectionately call the Kiss My Gang surprised me by swinging by Austin on their cross country road trip to San Fran.

They arrived Monday night and asked me to "show them Austin." Considering that no (straight) clubs are open on Monday because no one goes out on a Monday night, I did my best and as a result am still recovering from sleep deprivation.

Pictures I stole off their blog:

Dinner at Hula Hut
Cover band at Chuggin' Monkey
Us at Gingerman

Refinement

Life is settling down. I've started coming into the office albeit still more sporadically than I'd like. Work and meetings are starting to kick off and I'm reminded of why I do like grad school. My yoga career is starting to take off and I'm grateful to be paid to teach classes. I'm loving teaching yoga, though I'm still learning how to balance grad school and yoga.

I'm currently writing a review paper on self-enhancement, or the desire to be seen favorably. Part of my discussion comes from a cultural angle, and it's gotten me thinking about the western phenomenon of desiring greatness. Our culture in America socializes us to desire greatness, to "make something of our life" and to be more than ordinary. We take setbacks and failures and fabricate a grandiose reason for them in order to continue seeking greatness in our lives. Yet, is it a bad thing to be ordinary?

By definition, very few people are really able to rise above ordinary for everyone cannot be extraordinary. Sometimes I think this desire for greatness hinders us from really living our lives and appreciating the simple things that we have because we keep eschewing the normal in search of something greater. I wonder if the desire for greatness is mutually exclusive with being a good steward of what we do have.

I grew up with grandiose dreams of being the best at something, whether it's singing, acting, ministry, worship leading, or even being the Psychologist who gives birth to a ground-breaking new theory. Yet no matter how I seek those things, I feel ultimately unfulfilled, even bitter, angry, and wanting a new life. In Austin, I've been meeting people who work ordinary everyday jobs (concierge work, waiting tables, retail, yoga instruction) and am struck by how well they do their jobs. They are good stewards of what they have and they use their talents to the max in the jobs they do. While they may not have dreams of grandeur (maybe they do, I don't know), they are able bless others incredibly by just being faithful at their jobs.

I cannot help but marvel at how different that looks from the way I live my life! As I look at the lives of Biblical characters such as Abraham, Job, Moses, David, Gideon, I'm struck by how God did amazing things through these people who never sought after greatness. Rather, their focus was solely on being faithful to the roles they were allotted in life.

It's taken years of refinement, of chasing after pipe dreams and facing disappointments and failures, but I'm finally beginning to learn my lesson of valuing faithfulness in the ordinary over the desire for greatness.

A Matter of the Heart

Yesterday I taught yoga to the staff of a children's hospice center. The women were some of the most wonderful people I've met. I led them in a gentle yin yoga practice, allowing them to explore different postures and focus on the inner thoughts and emotions that arose.

Posture after posture, asana after asana, I noticed that they had a tendency to round their shoulders, causing the chest and heart to sink inward rather than shine outward. When I adjusted their shoulders back, I heard audible sighs of relief.

There is something vulnerable about allowing our hearts to shine out. We see this in how people carry themselves: confident individuals stand tall, chests puffed out, while those who have been hurt or carry fear hunch over, protecting their hearts from exposure. Our physical condition is such a strong indication of our emotional, spiritual, and mental condition.

I noticed it in my own yoga practice not so long ago. The past few months I noticed that I struggled with heart openers almost to the point that they were painful to practice. I realized that this was a direct symptom of me trying to hide from introspection and coming to terms with some emotional and spiritual matters.

As I'm rereading through the Old Testament, it struck me how important our hearts are. Over and over again, God asks for our hearts and not our sacrifices (see Joel, Isaiah, Amos, 1 Samuel), to surrender our hearts to Him rather than seek Him according to our own understanding. It is when one is cut to the heart that true repentence occurs.

I spent years protecting my heart from vulnerability, and now I realize that it is through vulnerability that God can reach us and work in us. So now, I'm working with Him to chip away the protective barriers I've built over my heart, focusing my yoga practices on heart openers to physically and energetically facilitate that.

Silence

I woke up yesterday with no power in my condo after the biggest hailstorm so far this year. Pecan trees were in shambles all around Austin, car windows smashed, schools shut down. Besides worrying that my newly bought groceries would spoil (the blackout lasted about 24 hours) and having to drive to friends' apartments to shower, having no power was actually a blessing in disguise. Yesterday morning I read and journaled in absolute quiet. No radio, no internet, nothing was around to distract me.

Silence turns our attention inward. Silence allows us to see through the layers of distraction and observe who and where we really are. Silence forces us to face our emotions, our fears, our inner demons. Silence is a rarity in our fast-paced, information-seeking culture. Silence is a gift, a spiritual discipline, something I will take care to include in my daily routine from now on.

Recovering...

Still mentally, physically, and emotionally recovering from that last month of school.

I never thought I'd say this, but I think Texas just might be too hot and humid for me! I love 80-90 degree dry heat, but a fews days of humid, 100+ degree weather did me in. I'm constantly sleepy and dehydrated...

The Countdown Begins...

Only one paper and one final stand between me and normalcy... Come Wednesday evening, Tracy will be a FREE WOMAN!! (until the following Monday, that is...)

I have been sleeping with stacks of papers, books, and my laptop for a few weeks now. I can no longer see my bedroom floor and I avoid my school office since I can't seem to find the surface of my desk either. I'm REALLY looking forward to spring cleaning this Thursday and Friday.

Just as a random sidenote, I grew up hating mangoes - I tried it once in elementary school and just hated it after that. Growing up, my dad would chase me around the house trying to get me to try just one bite, but to no avail. This past month, I started craving mangoes. I don't know why - I literally haven't had a bite of the fruit since my age was in the single digits. HEB had an awesome mango sale this past weekend, and I just went to town with them. I have been eating at least a mango a day this past week and can't seem to get enough of them. Strange, no?

Anyway, finally I have pictures to share with y'all. My life in Austin:

Easter dinner with friends

Volleyball in the pool
I love Austin =)

The Love of Money

I had insomnia last night in a bad way.

I guess being burnt out at school (my last deadline is May 7!!!) has put me in a place where I'm more likely to sweat the little things. I was procrastinating last night, flipping through pictures of friends on Facebook who graduated from college the same year as me when it hit me. They have well-paying, steady jobs. They have money. I don't have money. I'm so poor.

Now, I know that I really have no grounds to complain. I have a roof over my head, I rarely go hungry - I have all my material needs. I look around my room and am overwhelmed by my material possessions. I have a car that gets me from point A to point B. I googled the poverty line and I am making above that. I'm eking by as a graduate student without having to take out student loans. I know that I am blessed.

Yet, last night, I just felt tired. I'm tired of budgeting every last cent. I'm tired of just ordering water when I go out with people so that I have money to buy groceries the next week. I'm tired of peanut butter jelly sandwiches. I'm tired of carrying school bags that have huge holes in them (although Les did hook me up with a hugely discounted Gap bag just last week - thanks Les!) and when I do finally venture to the mall that once a semester, I'm tired of forgoing the latest fashions for the Final Sale rack where I buy last year's look for less than $10. Most of all, I'm tired of having to be so vigilant about living within my means and being scared that I'll encounter car problems or other "unforseeables" that may put me in the red.

I struggle with materialism, I know. And having to switch to a grad student lifestyle, thus taking a paycut of over 50% this past year has been really hard for me. I wish I could travel and buy pretty clothes and eat at nice restaurants. But I can't. And I wonder sometimes if it's worth it - do I really love school that much? (And I really can't answer that question right now because until May 7, I pretty much hate school).

I also struggle with trust. I struggle with envy. So last night I laid wide awake in bed just struggling with all this. And it's silly. I've said before that I hope I'm never rich because I'm pretty certain I'd be irresponsible with money. I just never realized what a struggle for me being poor is. But the lack of financial stability builds trust. And the lack of material status symbols forces me to place my identity in what is real rather than what is temporary. And the sacrifices I am making now is building character and helping me to appreciate what I have when I do get a substantial paycheck again.

Of course I say all that now, but I don't yet own those statements. So for now, I'll just have to be okay with struggling. And praying. Hopefully in time, my faith will grow, my trust will strengthen, my envy will die off, and my desire for material goods with fade. If not, I have a long, long 4 years ahead of me...

Some thoughts...

Yesterday I got the okay from my yoga mentor to begin learning the Intermediate series of Ashtanga. I'm really excited.

I'm learning that until I take care of myself, I have nothing to give to others. I end up trying to receive more than give. I wish this was a lesson that I learned back in my InterVarsity days.

I finally turned on my keyboard this morning (first time since Thanksgiving!) and played and played. It's days like this when I think I'd just be happy immersing myself in music and yoga. But it's my burnout talking...

Decisions

"The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots." ~Oswald Chambers

Last week at community group while reading through Amos, I started asking the question, "what does it mean for me to seek God?" Sure I know the Sunday school answer, and sure I know the "long-term" answer, but as a graduate student, as a yogini, what does it look like for me to actually seek God from the time that I wake up in the morning to the time I rest my head on the pillow at night? Last night at community group, I started asking myself the question, "what does it look like to seek good?"

My school cut my summer funding in half, so now the money coming into my bank account will not be enough to pay all my bills each month, much less allow me any social life or even to cover emergencies such as car problems, etc. Good news though: last weekend after 8 months of training, I finally got my certification to teach yoga. This summer, I begin teaching yoga: I teach one class (volunteer position) at SafePlace, which is a battered women's shelter, and I teach another class (paid-position) at UT's rec center. Now I have to decide whether I'm going to apply for more paid yoga positions or to take out student loans this summer to keep afloat. Part of me wants to teach more, part of me feels like teaching more classes in addition to the research I'll be doing at school will leave me overcommitted and worn out by the fall. So... do I take out the loans and trust God to provide? And when is it trust and when is it laziness and irresponsibility to take no action to provide for myself?

There are decisions to be made. But rather than moving forward and autonomously making the practical decisions in my life, I realize that I cannot make them without first asking myself "is this seeking God" and "is this seeking good?"

Neat little optical illusion

Is the dancer spinning clockwise or counterclockwise?



If you see her spinning clockwise, you favor your right brain. If she's spinning counter-clockwise, you favor your left brain. Try doing mental arithmatic or reciting a poem in your head. Can you make her change directions depending on which side of the brain you are activating?

Mr. Sun

I had a rule when I lived in Michigan that until I'm burned once, I don't put sunscreen on. I actually went through a few summers without sunscreen. No more, no more. Skin cancer warnings aside, I found this past weekend that the sun is just a tad bit different below the Mason-Dixon line.

After rueing my pasty white complexion for the last few weeks, I decided to remedy that this weekend by reading at Barton Springs. I planned on applying sunscreen while I was there, but the weather kept vacillating between windy/chilly and hot/sunny. So...I forwent the sunscreen. But I paid a good $3 to get into Barton Springs, and I also had company, so by golly I stayed a good 4 1/2 hours outside. By the time I headed home my legs were a bit pink.

That night, my legs and shoulders turned lobster red. It hurt to walk, stand, and even sit. I limped my way to HEB and bought some aloe vera gel, but that did little ease the pain. I was bed-ridden all day on Sunday. It hurt to shower, it hurt to wear pants, heck it even hurt to wear shorts because that way my legs were completely exposed.

So now I'm back at school figuring out what best to do with my legs as I'm sitting at my desk. Gotta muscle through these last 3 weeks of school...

Oh no you di'int!

...oh but I did...

I started watching "The Hills" on Monday nights as a stress reliever.

Broken Relationships

A theme surrounding the lives of my close others has been brokenness in human relationships. There's something about the death of a romantic relationship that seems to move and affect people more so than any other tragedy. In fact, I may be bold (and perhaps ignorant) in repeating an account of a holocaust survivor who claimed that despite all she had gone through, she considered the biggest trial of her life - the one that left her the most broken - was her divorce.

I step back and wonder why I study romantic relationships. Although my research interests have shifted drastically to a more identity focus than a relationship focus, I'm still captivated by the human search for great romance. There's something about these relationships that highlight the extent of our incompleteness - our search for something more. Perhaps it is a search for true, unadulterated love. Perhaps it is a search for completeness.

Yet I've come to the conclusion that we will never find completion through relationship with another human being; my experiences in the last year and a half have knocked any romantic idealism out of me. I do not doubt that one can be greatly blessed through finding their soulmate. I just believe that finding this soulmate is not the elixir for our incompleteness.

This search for completion in another (whether conscious or unconscious) is a beautiful disaster. There is something beautiful and pure about it; yet it is ultimately disastrous outside of the One. It really breaks my heart.

I've been listening to all evening to Glen Hansard's music featured in the movie "Once." It's an excellent soundtrack. Two songs in particular communicate to me the extent of the scars that can be left on us by broken relationships. I listen and I weep for all my loved ones who have been battered and bruised by broken relationships.

All the Way Down

You have broken me all the way
down,down upon my knees.
And you have broken me all the way down,
you'll be the last, you'll see.

Some fight you gave,
and I pushed you away
from me.

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.

And what chance have we got
when you've missed every shot
for me?

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be out of reach.
And in the darkness when you find this
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.


Falling Slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

So Amazing

caption: tableside smores at Halcyon with some dear friends from community group

The theme of my life in the last week has been relationships. I turned 24 on Tuesday; 2 days before the vernal equinox. My first birthday away from home was incredible.

Tuesday, one of my fellow grad students brought me ice cream cake. My officemate took me out for a sushi dinner and Les followed that up with gelato at Dolce Vita. The next evening, about 20 of my friends celebrated my birthday at a local jazz bar after which we wandered to one of my favorite pubs in Austin, the Gingerman. Throughout the two days, I got to talk with and catch up with friends from all over the country. Quite amazing, really.

What blew me away was that in only 7 months, I've been incredibly blessed with a community people who cared about me and who I could turn to anytime. I have great friends at school who I can be neurotic with, a yoga community who encourages me to grow holistically in both mind and body, and a community group at church with whom I can be weak and learn in humility from.

I know now that Austin was the place I am supposed to be, academics aside. I love the city, I really do. I've hosted and shown two prospective grad students around Austin in the last month, and each time I find myself falling in love with the city just a little bit more. It's here that I've finally started to grow again spiritually after 2 years of stagnation.

One of my yoga instructors said something quite poignant that has stuck with me the last week. She said that the way we carry ourselves and the way we open up to others allow us to bless others. It also invites others the opportunity to bless us in return. I just pray that in the next 4 1/2 years I'm in Austin, I'm able to take every opportunity to connect with others, and to never let an opportunity slip to share with them what I have been so blessed with!

Emotionally healthy

My dear friend Les lent me a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. It's life-changing already and I'm only on chapter 1. For as long as I can remember I've been feeling that there's something just wrong in my life. This book is causing me to reflect not only on my spiritual life this past year, but spanning all the way back to my spiritual walk in youth group as well as InterVarsity.

I realize that I've never been emotionally mature.

Could it be that I've been so drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually because I've never taken the time to work through emotional baggage I've carried with me all these years? Could that be why I've been so jaded with the church and with Christian leadership? Could that have spawned some deep-rooted rebellion in my life?

Two quotes by Oswald Chambers that mean so much to me:
"When you yield to something, you will soon realize the tremendous control it has over you. Even though you say, 'Oh, I can give up that habit whenever I like,' you will know you can't. You will find that the habit absolutely dominates you because you willingly yielded to it. It is easy to sing, 'He will break every fetter,' while at the same time living a life of obvious slavery to yourself. But yielding to Jesus will break every kind of slavery in a person's life."

"He will deliver you from yourself."

Praise God who can work through all my issues and baggage and deliver me from them. In Him I am made clean, righteous, whole, and new.