The Countdown Begins...

Only one paper and one final stand between me and normalcy... Come Wednesday evening, Tracy will be a FREE WOMAN!! (until the following Monday, that is...)

I have been sleeping with stacks of papers, books, and my laptop for a few weeks now. I can no longer see my bedroom floor and I avoid my school office since I can't seem to find the surface of my desk either. I'm REALLY looking forward to spring cleaning this Thursday and Friday.

Just as a random sidenote, I grew up hating mangoes - I tried it once in elementary school and just hated it after that. Growing up, my dad would chase me around the house trying to get me to try just one bite, but to no avail. This past month, I started craving mangoes. I don't know why - I literally haven't had a bite of the fruit since my age was in the single digits. HEB had an awesome mango sale this past weekend, and I just went to town with them. I have been eating at least a mango a day this past week and can't seem to get enough of them. Strange, no?

Anyway, finally I have pictures to share with y'all. My life in Austin:

Easter dinner with friends

Volleyball in the pool
I love Austin =)

The Love of Money

I had insomnia last night in a bad way.

I guess being burnt out at school (my last deadline is May 7!!!) has put me in a place where I'm more likely to sweat the little things. I was procrastinating last night, flipping through pictures of friends on Facebook who graduated from college the same year as me when it hit me. They have well-paying, steady jobs. They have money. I don't have money. I'm so poor.

Now, I know that I really have no grounds to complain. I have a roof over my head, I rarely go hungry - I have all my material needs. I look around my room and am overwhelmed by my material possessions. I have a car that gets me from point A to point B. I googled the poverty line and I am making above that. I'm eking by as a graduate student without having to take out student loans. I know that I am blessed.

Yet, last night, I just felt tired. I'm tired of budgeting every last cent. I'm tired of just ordering water when I go out with people so that I have money to buy groceries the next week. I'm tired of peanut butter jelly sandwiches. I'm tired of carrying school bags that have huge holes in them (although Les did hook me up with a hugely discounted Gap bag just last week - thanks Les!) and when I do finally venture to the mall that once a semester, I'm tired of forgoing the latest fashions for the Final Sale rack where I buy last year's look for less than $10. Most of all, I'm tired of having to be so vigilant about living within my means and being scared that I'll encounter car problems or other "unforseeables" that may put me in the red.

I struggle with materialism, I know. And having to switch to a grad student lifestyle, thus taking a paycut of over 50% this past year has been really hard for me. I wish I could travel and buy pretty clothes and eat at nice restaurants. But I can't. And I wonder sometimes if it's worth it - do I really love school that much? (And I really can't answer that question right now because until May 7, I pretty much hate school).

I also struggle with trust. I struggle with envy. So last night I laid wide awake in bed just struggling with all this. And it's silly. I've said before that I hope I'm never rich because I'm pretty certain I'd be irresponsible with money. I just never realized what a struggle for me being poor is. But the lack of financial stability builds trust. And the lack of material status symbols forces me to place my identity in what is real rather than what is temporary. And the sacrifices I am making now is building character and helping me to appreciate what I have when I do get a substantial paycheck again.

Of course I say all that now, but I don't yet own those statements. So for now, I'll just have to be okay with struggling. And praying. Hopefully in time, my faith will grow, my trust will strengthen, my envy will die off, and my desire for material goods with fade. If not, I have a long, long 4 years ahead of me...

Some thoughts...

Yesterday I got the okay from my yoga mentor to begin learning the Intermediate series of Ashtanga. I'm really excited.

I'm learning that until I take care of myself, I have nothing to give to others. I end up trying to receive more than give. I wish this was a lesson that I learned back in my InterVarsity days.

I finally turned on my keyboard this morning (first time since Thanksgiving!) and played and played. It's days like this when I think I'd just be happy immersing myself in music and yoga. But it's my burnout talking...

Decisions

"The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty. Consequently, we do not put down roots." ~Oswald Chambers

Last week at community group while reading through Amos, I started asking the question, "what does it mean for me to seek God?" Sure I know the Sunday school answer, and sure I know the "long-term" answer, but as a graduate student, as a yogini, what does it look like for me to actually seek God from the time that I wake up in the morning to the time I rest my head on the pillow at night? Last night at community group, I started asking myself the question, "what does it look like to seek good?"

My school cut my summer funding in half, so now the money coming into my bank account will not be enough to pay all my bills each month, much less allow me any social life or even to cover emergencies such as car problems, etc. Good news though: last weekend after 8 months of training, I finally got my certification to teach yoga. This summer, I begin teaching yoga: I teach one class (volunteer position) at SafePlace, which is a battered women's shelter, and I teach another class (paid-position) at UT's rec center. Now I have to decide whether I'm going to apply for more paid yoga positions or to take out student loans this summer to keep afloat. Part of me wants to teach more, part of me feels like teaching more classes in addition to the research I'll be doing at school will leave me overcommitted and worn out by the fall. So... do I take out the loans and trust God to provide? And when is it trust and when is it laziness and irresponsibility to take no action to provide for myself?

There are decisions to be made. But rather than moving forward and autonomously making the practical decisions in my life, I realize that I cannot make them without first asking myself "is this seeking God" and "is this seeking good?"

Neat little optical illusion

Is the dancer spinning clockwise or counterclockwise?



If you see her spinning clockwise, you favor your right brain. If she's spinning counter-clockwise, you favor your left brain. Try doing mental arithmatic or reciting a poem in your head. Can you make her change directions depending on which side of the brain you are activating?

Mr. Sun

I had a rule when I lived in Michigan that until I'm burned once, I don't put sunscreen on. I actually went through a few summers without sunscreen. No more, no more. Skin cancer warnings aside, I found this past weekend that the sun is just a tad bit different below the Mason-Dixon line.

After rueing my pasty white complexion for the last few weeks, I decided to remedy that this weekend by reading at Barton Springs. I planned on applying sunscreen while I was there, but the weather kept vacillating between windy/chilly and hot/sunny. So...I forwent the sunscreen. But I paid a good $3 to get into Barton Springs, and I also had company, so by golly I stayed a good 4 1/2 hours outside. By the time I headed home my legs were a bit pink.

That night, my legs and shoulders turned lobster red. It hurt to walk, stand, and even sit. I limped my way to HEB and bought some aloe vera gel, but that did little ease the pain. I was bed-ridden all day on Sunday. It hurt to shower, it hurt to wear pants, heck it even hurt to wear shorts because that way my legs were completely exposed.

So now I'm back at school figuring out what best to do with my legs as I'm sitting at my desk. Gotta muscle through these last 3 weeks of school...

Oh no you di'int!

...oh but I did...

I started watching "The Hills" on Monday nights as a stress reliever.

Broken Relationships

A theme surrounding the lives of my close others has been brokenness in human relationships. There's something about the death of a romantic relationship that seems to move and affect people more so than any other tragedy. In fact, I may be bold (and perhaps ignorant) in repeating an account of a holocaust survivor who claimed that despite all she had gone through, she considered the biggest trial of her life - the one that left her the most broken - was her divorce.

I step back and wonder why I study romantic relationships. Although my research interests have shifted drastically to a more identity focus than a relationship focus, I'm still captivated by the human search for great romance. There's something about these relationships that highlight the extent of our incompleteness - our search for something more. Perhaps it is a search for true, unadulterated love. Perhaps it is a search for completeness.

Yet I've come to the conclusion that we will never find completion through relationship with another human being; my experiences in the last year and a half have knocked any romantic idealism out of me. I do not doubt that one can be greatly blessed through finding their soulmate. I just believe that finding this soulmate is not the elixir for our incompleteness.

This search for completion in another (whether conscious or unconscious) is a beautiful disaster. There is something beautiful and pure about it; yet it is ultimately disastrous outside of the One. It really breaks my heart.

I've been listening to all evening to Glen Hansard's music featured in the movie "Once." It's an excellent soundtrack. Two songs in particular communicate to me the extent of the scars that can be left on us by broken relationships. I listen and I weep for all my loved ones who have been battered and bruised by broken relationships.

All the Way Down

You have broken me all the way
down,down upon my knees.
And you have broken me all the way down,
you'll be the last, you'll see.

Some fight you gave,
and I pushed you away
from me.

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.

And what chance have we got
when you've missed every shot
for me?

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be out of reach.
And in the darkness when you find this
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.


Falling Slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

So Amazing

caption: tableside smores at Halcyon with some dear friends from community group

The theme of my life in the last week has been relationships. I turned 24 on Tuesday; 2 days before the vernal equinox. My first birthday away from home was incredible.

Tuesday, one of my fellow grad students brought me ice cream cake. My officemate took me out for a sushi dinner and Les followed that up with gelato at Dolce Vita. The next evening, about 20 of my friends celebrated my birthday at a local jazz bar after which we wandered to one of my favorite pubs in Austin, the Gingerman. Throughout the two days, I got to talk with and catch up with friends from all over the country. Quite amazing, really.

What blew me away was that in only 7 months, I've been incredibly blessed with a community people who cared about me and who I could turn to anytime. I have great friends at school who I can be neurotic with, a yoga community who encourages me to grow holistically in both mind and body, and a community group at church with whom I can be weak and learn in humility from.

I know now that Austin was the place I am supposed to be, academics aside. I love the city, I really do. I've hosted and shown two prospective grad students around Austin in the last month, and each time I find myself falling in love with the city just a little bit more. It's here that I've finally started to grow again spiritually after 2 years of stagnation.

One of my yoga instructors said something quite poignant that has stuck with me the last week. She said that the way we carry ourselves and the way we open up to others allow us to bless others. It also invites others the opportunity to bless us in return. I just pray that in the next 4 1/2 years I'm in Austin, I'm able to take every opportunity to connect with others, and to never let an opportunity slip to share with them what I have been so blessed with!

Emotionally healthy

My dear friend Les lent me a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. It's life-changing already and I'm only on chapter 1. For as long as I can remember I've been feeling that there's something just wrong in my life. This book is causing me to reflect not only on my spiritual life this past year, but spanning all the way back to my spiritual walk in youth group as well as InterVarsity.

I realize that I've never been emotionally mature.

Could it be that I've been so drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually because I've never taken the time to work through emotional baggage I've carried with me all these years? Could that be why I've been so jaded with the church and with Christian leadership? Could that have spawned some deep-rooted rebellion in my life?

Two quotes by Oswald Chambers that mean so much to me:
"When you yield to something, you will soon realize the tremendous control it has over you. Even though you say, 'Oh, I can give up that habit whenever I like,' you will know you can't. You will find that the habit absolutely dominates you because you willingly yielded to it. It is easy to sing, 'He will break every fetter,' while at the same time living a life of obvious slavery to yourself. But yielding to Jesus will break every kind of slavery in a person's life."

"He will deliver you from yourself."

Praise God who can work through all my issues and baggage and deliver me from them. In Him I am made clean, righteous, whole, and new.

Hope

" ...Let the past sleep, but let it sleep in the sweet embrace of Christ, and let us go on into the invincible future with Him... We will have times of despair caused by real events in our lives, and we will be unable to lift ourselves out of them. The disciples...had done a downright unthinkable thing -- they had gone to sleep instead of watching with Jesus. But our Lord came to them taking the spiritual initiative against their despair and said, in effect, 'Get up, and do the next thing.' If we are inspired by God, what is the next thing? It is to trust Him absolutely and to pray on the basis of His redemption. Never let the sense of past failure defeat your next step." -- Oswald Chambers

Dysfunction

During a moment of temporary brainlessness, my oh-so-sensitive officemate let me know what he really thought about all my failed relationships:

Peace, in the midst of storm

Identity Replacement

Tomorrow morning I leave for Albuquerque, NM for a conference. Two years ago, I went to this conference in Palm Springs, CA - my first Psych conference ever. When I think back to that last trip, I cannot help but think, how life has changed!


This past weekend I had the privilege of having coffee with a new friend and sister in Christ. It was one of those conversations that allowed me to see the past two years through the lens of how God has moved in my life and what He's been working in me. I had mentioned in a previous post that perhaps all the struggles I faced, all the good and the bad, was a shattering of identities that were slowly turning into idols: a pianist, a musician, a worship leader, a "good Christian," a runner, a leader, even a good academic. What I'm finding, though, is that it is not enough to simply strip these identities. What is needed is to replace those with a new identity: beloved and valued by God.


As I was practicing yoga today, I realized that what hindered my progression and growth on the mat was a labeling of my abilities - trying to "place" myself in terms of how advanced or not I was rather than focusing on the practice itself. Maybe this is a metaphor of how I've been living my life: I keep trying to place a label on who I am at the moment and how I am progressing rather than focusing on BOLDLY walking forward in humility toward the goal knowing simply that I can. And what is the goal? I'm still trying to relearn that. Right now, what God is placing on my heart is to discover the "joy of my salvation" (from Psalm 51).


This month, my mantra is to practice satya, or truthfulness, in all I do and say. To me, that means to know my limits, to not try to do or be more than I am. On the flip side, it is to not try to do or be less than I am. Additionally, it is to speak truth no matter what, especially where there isn't.

Sad, but true....

Imposter Syndrome

im·pos·tor syn·drome /ɪmˈpɒstər/ /ˈsɪndroʊm, -drəm/
-noun

1. Feeling like a fake
2. Attributing success to luck
3. Discounting and downplaying success
4. What Tracy is MAJORLY experiencing this semester

It's getting to be a problem. It really is. I shared this with my community group tonight during prayer requests and it led to major breakthroughs and feelings of relief among the women. So much so that one of the guys felt led to pray over the women. Haha, I love my community group.

Slowed Down

Saturday morning I strained some muscle in my rotator cuff. I think it's the infraspinatus, but I'm not sure. To say the least, it's greatly slowed down general movement and breathing, not to mention my yoga practice.

School's started again, and I'm adjusting to a new TA schedule, new classes, running research studies, and switching from early morning yoga classes to night yoga classes. I'm still recovering from break, and I find myself constantly tired.

During quiet times, I keep running into a theme: aloneness with God.

What does that mean exactly? When do I cling to community and when do I shut out outside influence and just sit in silence? When do I "venture" into the real world and when do I shelter myself?

And finally, I ask myself, why do I fear being alone when it comes to interpersonal relationships - both platonic and romantic?

The Uses of Not

Thirty spokes
Meet in the hub,
Where the wheel isn't
Is where it's useful.

Hollowed out,
Clay makes a pot.
Where the pot's not
Is where it's useful.

Cut doors and windows
To make a room.
Where the room isn't,
There's room for you.

So the profit in what is
Is in the use of what isn't.

~~Lao Tzu

Another Year

Happy New Year! Back in Austin trying to get my head back together after a 3 week vacation from school... luckily I caught a few items with a deadline of Jan. 4 while going through school emails before it was too late!!

I think New Years might be my favorite holiday since it really symbolizes new beginnings. I've learned, however, that change and new beginnings don't happen overnight. Still, it's exciting to have a day that marks a looking forward to changes in my life.

A few weeks ago, some friends and I gathered at the Heidelberg in downtown Ann Arbor and wrote our New Year resolutions. Here are a few of mine:

1. Improve my Mandarin. I'm going to start going through my Chinese school CDs again, and maybe even take a Chinese class at UT over the summer.
   
2. Get my yoga teaching certification and finish the Ashtanga Primary Series.


3. Get more involved in my church. I'm wavering between committing to the church I attend now and looking for a new church. I attended a Chinese church before break, and they've been really great at persisting contact with me. Unfortunately, there is only one service I can attend on Sunday, and it really isn't the best time for me... Either way, I'm going to start going to Sunday school classes and be more proactive about hanging out with people outside of small group.


4. Go waterskiing.

Seriously??

I don't usually like to complain about assignments we have to do for school, but when I'm up late trying to answer essay questions such as the following:

Jost and his colleagues have reported that politically conservative people are relatively uncertain, closed minded, and intolerant of ambiguity and change. From this it follows that conservatives would oppose universal health care, because it represents a change. Imagine that you have been elected the next president and you want to introduce universal health care. Using the knowledge you gained in the course, explain how you would convince conservatives of the virtues of universal health care.

I have to wonder...is this assignment for real??

It's all part of the job...

It feels really stinky when a student emails you freaking out because his grade is teetering between an A and a B, and you have to inform him that he misread the syllabus and that his grade actually is teetering between a B and a C.

Alone ... The word is life

endured and known.

It is the stillness where our

spirits walk

And all but inmost faith is

overthrown.

~Siegfried Sassoon

Those were the days...

Count down to finals begin, and I'm being a good girl and turning down all my social invites this weekend to study.

I ran across these pictures today, both of them with some of my best friends. Ah, those were the days...

Acceptance

"He said, 'I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, 'I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, 'I will withraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, 'I will submit; I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, 'I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to His son explain.'
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace."

~Amy Carmichael

I know I'm compulsively posting now, but I went to bed around 9 only to wake up at 11:30pm. Oh the joys of insomnia. I'm drinking warmed milk with cinnamon hoping it will help. If you know any other cures for insomnia, please pass them along!!!

Something's in the air

I think I'm getting sick.

Exhibit A: I all but black out this morning during yoga.
Exhibit B: I voice sounds slightly scratchy.
Exhibit C: I'm so out of it that I asked my advisor to spell an acronym he used.
Exhibit D: I felt ready to crawl into bed by 8 pm.

Not a good time to be getting sick as we're nearing the last week of classes!

Pictures from Thanksgiving:

It's a mental thing...

Let me introduce you to the yogic headstand: salamba sirsana. In Ashtanga yoga, part of the finishing series is to hold salamba sirsana for about 20-25 breaths (pictured below).

Afterward, you would lower your legs and hold salamba sirsana b (below) for another 5-10 breaths, then pull back up into the original pose before coming down.
This move is the bane of my current yogic existance. At first I feared falling backward and breaking my neck. When I finally fell backward a few times, I realized I wouldn't break my neck. However, I almost broke my fingers when my head rolled over my clasped hands. Since that experience, I haven't gotten myself to lower down into Salamba Sirsana B.

Until yesterday. I was in another Yoga class when the instructor gave us 5 minutes to work on any inversion of our choice. I chose to work on the headstand, but this time I pulled my mat a foot away from the wall, giving me no chance to fall backward. I never had to use the wall.

It's a mental block I'm facing. It makes me think of how many things in life I just can't do because of my fear rather than an actual limitation of my abilities. And how does one break through this mental block? I guess I'll start finding out tomorrow morning when I attempt this pose again without the safety of a wall behind me.

A Crisis of Faith

As 2007 is drawing to a close, I've spent much of my Thanksgiving break reflecting on this past year. 2007 was a tough year for me.

I grew up in the church, and my social circle consisted of Christians all my life up till the fall of 2006. That fall, I finally "graduated" from InterVarsity, I switched churches, and almost entirely changed my social network in Ann Arbor. For the first time in my life, my closest friends weren't Christians, and the "Christian thing to do" was no longer the default but rather an actual choice I had to make.

I failed miserably. I never left the church per se, but in a lot of ways I turned by back on what I spent my whole life believing in. I spent 2007 going through what I now recognize to be my first true crisis of faith. It seemed like an endless cycle of poor decisions and regret followed by going through the motions of repentence, then repeating my poor decisions. I vascillated between believing true joy comes from following Christ, and wishing I could throw away my faith entirely. The lament of God in Hosea 6:4 still resonates with me "What can I do with you, Ephraim? What can I do with you, Judah? Your love is like the morning mist, like the early dew that disappears."

M told me over the phone that I had to choose what I believed in and act in accordance to that. It's really convicting when my non-believing friend reiterates to me Truth. I'm finally choosing. It's a slow journey, one that I'm still in the process of, but I can truly say that God is faithful. This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I am receiving the lesson of what it means to choose Christ. I am thankful for trials and tribulations because they force me to recognize who God is, and to examine who I am. In many ways, this year I was stripped of almost everything I placed my identity in. I've been stripped of the pride I take in "being a good Christian." I'm questioning whether I'm really cut out to be a researcher not only in skill but also in motivation and passion. That's scary because my career is the sole reason I moved to Austin. When all is stripped away, I can finally see that all I have to cling onto is Christ. I'm thankful for this year, because David's prayer in Psalm 51:10-12 is that much more meaningful to me:

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

On a less serious note, I had a great Thanksgiving at my friend J's. There were 5 of us who spent no less than 9 hours eating on Turkey day. It was amazing.

Since I finally spent some quality time at home this weekend, I realized how much I hated my room. My walls were bare, and the layout of my room was just depressing and empty. So I spent a few hours today rearranging my room. Here's the end result:

I bought some posters online as well so the walls will get some color. I'm also going to get some candles to line my window.

I haven't taken my camera out all semester, but here's a picture of C and me at Halloween from someone else's camera. C is a first-year in Evolutionary Psychology. As we're both the only first-year girls in our areas, we bonded pretty quickly.

I can't believe my first semester of grad school ends in 2 1/2 weeks!

This is what research psychologists find funny....

I think over Thanksgiving I'll try to revive this blog...

Until then, here's a spoof questionnaire called the Hidden Brain Damage Scale (to measure whether you have hidden brain damage). My advisor and I were giggling over this today... The first 37 items are by D. Wegner, R. Vallacher and C. Gilbert (copyrighted by the American Psychological Association, 1979 in the American Psychologist). Hope that prevents me from getting sued for posting this.

1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
2. I can't unclasp my hands.
3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
6. I often mistake my hands for food.
7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
8. I never liked room temperature.
9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
10. My throat is closer than it seems.
11. I can smell my nose hairs.
12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
16. My patio is covered with a killer frost.
17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
18. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
19. My best friend is a social worker.
20. I've always known when to close my eyes.
21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
22. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
24. I walk this way because I have to.
25. Walls impede my progress.
26. I can't find all my marmots.
27. There's only one thing for me.
28. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
29. I can pet animals by the mouthful.
30. My toes are numbered.
31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
32. People tell me when I'm deaf.
33. My beaver won't go near the water.
34. I can find my ears, but I have to look.
35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
37. I don't like any of my loved ones.
38. I try to get out of bed at least once a day.
39. I have tried to bonsai my dog.
40. When I dance, I have two left thumbs.
41. My plants don't trust me any more.
42. I'm still searching for the perfect pencil.
43. More people know about me than I do.
44. I get sleepy just staying awake.
45. The air is my best friend.
46. My cup does its job TOO WELL.
47. The sight of a fluorescent light makes me nervous.
48. I sent away for the booklet, "How To Become Literate."
49. I couldn't care less about apathy.
50. My hair is conspiring against me.
51. I am on a strict diet of non-biodegradable food.
52. I have more feet than my shoes.

Research Opportunity

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Midterms...

I'm at school so much that I accidentally referred to my office as "home" and my (male) officemate as my roommate at least twice over the past week...

Conviction

Last night I hung out with a new and dear friend who simply exhudes God's presence. I went home, humbled and filled with conviction.

I grew up thinking I knew everything, yet there's such a disconnect between my head and my heart. I have so much to learn, and so far to grow.

Daily Grind

My day starts out at 6:30 AM at my yoga studio. I'm there till about 8:30, go home, and get ready for school. I get to school usually about 9:30-10 AM, and leave around 7 PM. Depending on the day I'll be dropping off the recycling, attending community group, happy hours, Grey's nights, or going home to study more. Around 11, I decompress and have some quiet time, and go to bed at midnight.

I feel that I'm working much harder than I did as an undergrad, but somehow I'm more disciplined, I'm happier, healthier, and less stressed. Today I'm feeling a little more tired than usual, but last week and this week just happen to be tough weeks.

One of the neat things about Austin is its thriving yoga community and excellent teachers. There are three teachers I have "adopted" here in Austin. In terms of yoga lineage, I'm studying under the students of Pattabhi Jois (the founder of Ashtanga Yoga), Shiva Rea (who is considered the Madonna of Yoga), and Rod Stryker. Does that make them my grandparents in yoga? Monday through Thursday mornings I attend a Mysore Ashtanga where I work through the primary series step by step. It's difficult most mornings, but I've found it to be so rewarding. I'm learning to not push myself or beat myself for not yet reaching a certain stage in the series, to be forgiving towards my body and mind. I'm hoping that this lesson on the mat is translating into how I relate to myself and to others in school. I find that I carry a lot of my stress and grief in my left hip, and through releasing those emotions through the sitting series I'm able to get through my day with a clear mind. Most of all, I find myself able to meditate on the things I learn during my quiet times the evening before. The current move I'm working on, bhujapidasana (the end of part b shown above), is really a struggle for me. But I'm learning to draw strength from my core rather than just my arms. The thing about yoga - it really teaches self-love. To do any of these moves you have to trust your body, and when you achieve the move, you love your body all the more for what it just did.

Today I also had lunch at Mellow Mushroom with two of the girls in my community group. Not only was it nice to sit and chat with them, I think we're starting a weekly accountability group!

Routine School Emails

This was in my inbox this morning:

Environmental Health and Safety (EHS) and the Office of the Vice President for Employee and Campus Services (ECS) want to remind you that Austin has a significant bat population, and though they're really cute--bats are considered a high-rabies risk species and should NEVER be touched.

If you find a live or dead bat in a building or a live bat that can not fly outside, please call Environmental Health & Safety's Animal Make Safe program at ###-BATS (####).

don't call me

So out of the blue my phone decided to go kaput today. I ordered a new phone online so I may be cellphone-less until the end of the week or early next week. If I don't answer or return your calls, it's not that I don't like you - give me till next week. Same cell phone number. Peace.

Lessons Learned

School's started and it's been a long week. It's been awhile since I've been in school, so my stress level shot up way high this week and insomnia kicked in again. Truthfully, I've probably been putting in more time than I needed and have been reading about 8-9 hours a day the first week of school.

Last night I stayed in and got 12 much needed hours of sleep. Sleep really does a lot to alleviate stress levels and after some quiet time and reflection today, I've started gaining more perspective on life.

I'm learning that everyone's different and no one can make me feel inferior but myself. Part of the reason that I was forcing myself to work so hard is because otherwise I felt inferior to those who put in more hours. That's very stupid on my part - no one really cares how many hours I put in but myself. As long as I finish what I need to finish, there's no reason to tack on extra unecessary hours. There'll be plenty of opportunity to work late as the semester progresses.

My research is going well - I'm diving into the world of intercultural research, a topic I've never focused on before. As a result, I have to spend a lot of time learning the basics of cross-cultural research. I love it, though, and can't wait to tie into it theories on personality as well as close relationships and self-esteem, which are topics I'm more familiar with.

I finally settled on a church in Austin and have joined a small group. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she asked me if God's grace has been sufficient for me to get through each day. Of course the answer is yes, but it got me thinking about how I've been approaching my life. I've been told in graduate school, you're always supposed to be thinking one year ahead. But the problem for me is that I get to thinking about so much that all of a sudden life becomes overwhelming. I need to learn to take things one day at a time and trust that God will provide enough grace for me to finish each day.

My New Life in Austin

Life moves fast. We had our first day of orientation today. I registered for classes, settled my tuition bill, and started moving into my office at school. Next week is the first week of class and we also start our TA assignments. Yes, Tracy is a TA now. I get to grade and hold office hours for unfortunate Intro Psych students.

The Psych building is about 5 years old. The building is new and spacious. I share an office with one of my cohorts. Next door to us is the office shared by the other 2 first years. There are 4 new students in the Social/Personality area this year among which I'm the only girl. That is pretty much unheard of in the Social Psych area - usually the demographics are female heavy. The 4 of us, I have a feeling, are going to get really close as we pretty much take the exact same classes our first year here.

Because I don't live near a bus line, I have to drive to get to school. The commute is about 5-10 minutes by freeway (which in Austin is considered a stone's throw away). I ended up buying a white 2002 4-door Chevy Cavalier. It's small and gas economical, but the pollution score not up to par. Still, it's nice to own a car without dents or duct tape. It's also a dream to navigate and to park. I have my University of Michigan decal proudly displayed on the rear window.

I live in a cute 2-story condo with 2 other girls I met on Craigslist. NC, the owner of the condo, is a 2nd year Counseling Psych student at UT. Counseling Psych is in the Educational Psych Dept, so we're in different departments, and it amazes me how different her department is from mine although we're both Psych. NC is 28 (I'm guessing) and already has her Master's in Counseling Psych. She's been great at showing me around town and helping me get to know Austin better. JR is 27 and an interior designer. Although we keep our condo very clean and bare, I snuck a peek in JR's room and it's gorgeously decorated. She and I like the same TV shows and sometimes watch reruns of Friends, What Not to Wear, and (cringe) Lifetime movies together. Our condo is in a shadier part of town, but luckily my next door neighbor T looks out for us. She's the type to constantly peer out the window with one hand on the phone to call the police or to warn us if anything is happening. She's already helped me out with finding safer parking and kept me in the know with who's been arrested and which neighbors are fighting with whom. Bless her heart, I think we all need neighbors like T.

I joined a Yoga studio in Austin and have been going daily. The studio is huge with 4 locations spread throughout the city. They offer 350 classes each week taught by instructors well versed in human anatomy and yogic philosophies. I've been finding that having a knowledgeable instructor makes a HUGE difference in my practice.

There is just so much to do in Austin. This weekend I'm going to learn to be a pool shark (my officemate made his gas money to drive down to Austin through playing pool). Saturday there's the annual Hot Sauce Festival as well as something called Flugtag where people build flying contraptions and try to fly them off the bridge. It's going to be a full 5 years ahead of me, I imagine, but I'm really excited about them!

Local Foods

One of my favorite activities over the last week and a half I've been in Austin is to explore the local grocery stores. Here is what I found:

There is no Meijer in Austin; however, there are both Super Targets and Super Walmarts. I haven't been to the Super Target as it's too far away to drive for food, but my parents and I went to Super Walmarts while they were here. The prices are fair and it's nice to get everything in one place, although I feel like the quality of produce is a little lacking. Still, because I'm from Ann Arbor and have been inundated with criticisms of the way Walmart treats its employees, I tend to stay away from that store.

H.E.B. reminds me a lot of Kroger. The store brand products are cheap (like their oats and kitchen supplies) and they also have a selection of whole grain pastas and rice (although whole grain is not as available as it is in the Midwest). The produce was a little disgusting in the store I visited but that may not be true of all the H.E.B. stores. I'll probably mostly shop at H.E.B. for all my non-produce food.

Randalls (yes it has an "s" in its name) is convenient because it's right by my condo. It also reminds me a lot of Kroger. The prices are pretty cheap as well, with the exception of dairy products. The produce here is good - I bought bananas here when I couldn't bring myself to buy the bananas at H.E.B. Still, since yogurt and soy milk are my staples, I can't shop anywhere where prices are over $3 for each product.

Fiesta is huge. It has an overwhelming selection of international foods and produce. I went yesterday and had a lot of fun. The patrons mostly consisted of Mexican Americans - I felt a little out of place shopping there - but I got a lot of food for cheap. There are also open market stands lining the outside of Fiesta selling clothing, accessories - reminds me a little of the outdoor stands in New York. I'll definitely come shop here again.

Lately, I've become more convinced about the benefits of eating local. Between Time Magazine's article on local foods, and a fellow first year in my department expounding on the environmental impact and health benefits of eating local, I'm starting a habit of buying most of my produce from the local Farmer's Market. The prices are a wee bit higher, but I buy so little food each week that I feel it's well worth it. This week, I bought my bread and produce from the Farmer's Market. In the future, I may buy my honey and start preserving my own fruit. It's nice because they only sell what's in season. I've never had okra before, but the stands are teeming with okra right now, so I bought a pound and cooked Smothered Okra. The garlic from the market is harder to peel, but when I cut into the tomatoes, I was amazed by how deep the color was. And the food really is so delicious and fresh.

One of things that surprised me about shopping in Austin was that they don't give you an option of paper or plastic when it comes to bagging up your groceries. Everything is plastic and they use a lot more bags, I feel, than they need. My roommates use the bags at home as trash bags, but between the 3 of us, we have enough already to last us the year. I finally caved and purchased 2 reusable grocery bags online. I figure, if I'm going green, I should start doing it right.

Everything's Bigger in Texas!

In the 8 days that I've lived in Austin, I've made a few observations. I think it's safe to say, "Toto, we're not in Michigan anymore." The saying "Everything's bigger in Texas" is true from what I've seen.

1. State Pride. I really think Texas takes this to another level. Not only do they have a Texas day parade, but when we crossed the state line on our way down here, Texas symbols and icons appeared EVERYTHING. I'm talking billboards, road signs, even bathroom doors of rest areas. Not for 5 minutes have I forgotten I'm in Texas, and there's always something less than 200 yards away to remind me in case I do.

2. The traffic. Austin is not built on a grid. And the freeways do not work the same way as they do in Michigan. Roads rise up on bridges and wind and swirl over and under one another. It's almost futuresque in appearance. Luckily for me, I live at the intersection of three freeways in Austin. I got a hands-on crash course on how to be an aggressive driver.

3. The heat. I was warned, I really was. But Austin is really hot and humid! Unfortunately, my car's A/C is not in the best condition so commuting around town is like sitting in a sauna. I try to make the best of it and remember that a steam sauna has health benefits and promotes weight loss. The sun is stronger too. I'm already 2 shades tanner and my hair is a shade lighter from the sun.

4. The night life and live music. I love Ann Arbor, but Austin puts Ann Arbor's night life to shame. Every other bar has live music and downtown gets so busy that it's routine practice to block off a few of the streets from traffic weekend nights. The Austin City Limits music festival (ACL) is coming to town bringing with it artists like Bob Dylan, Bjork, The Killers, Amy Winehouse, and more. I'm also going to a Tori Amos concert in November with my roommate. How I'm going to afford to do all this? I have no idea.

5. Friendliness of the people. People are really talkative here! I've met my next door neighbor (she's a talker!) and I find myself having conversations at my yoga classes, grocery stores, even Target. People are really easy-going and very interested in getting to know who you are. Sadly, the only place I've been so far where not a single person greeted me was the church I visited last Sunday...

In case you were wondering...

Chris Tomlin did lead worship at church this morning.

Road Trip

Finally (somewhat) settled in Austin! Here are pics of our trip down.
First stop: Kokomo, IN where Richard was born.

My old school:

Richard was excited to find the same VBS program elsewhere:

Richard's birthplace:

Our old apartment:

Our old house:

My dad's old workplace:

Stop 2: My aunt's house near St. Louis, MO

My crazy cousin:

Us in front of her house:

Stop 3: Graceland in Memphis, TN

Elvis' kitchen:

His living room:

Trophy room:

Grave:

Stop 4: Arlington, TX

My first home:

I don't have pics of Fort Worth, TX (my birthplace) and Austin because my camera may have broken. =(

Moving!

In less than 12 hours I will be on the road to Austin...

Music and Lyrics

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song / If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me / Threatening the life it belongs to / And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd / Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud" ~Anna Nalick, Breathe (2 AM)

I've never been particularly talented at expressing myself through words and music. Rewinding back to the last few years of high school and even through the first few years of college, I was so angsty and desperate to let my emotions out that I made a few paltry attempts at song-writing. Looking back, the superficial lyrics and melodies masked a depth that I couldn't seem tap into myself.

I envy those who are in touch with their emotions. I envy those who can put their stories to music. When it's done well, when I hear a particularly personal perfomance, I feel this stirring in my heart.

Maybe one day I'll be able to tap into my life and come up with beautiful music and lyrics. Till then I'll content myself with listening to others.

Current obsessions: Bon Jovi "You Want to (Make a Memory)," Taylor Swift "Teardrops on my Guitar," Kelly Clarkson "Sober."

Home-stretch

I'm looking forward to sleeping when I get to Novi.

Moving really stinks - I'm having a really tough time packing. This week:

• Monday: lunch at Cosi, putt-putt with small group
• Tuesday: lunch at Jerusalem Gardens, babysitting (one last time)
• Wednesday: lunch at Zingerman's Roadhouse
• Thursday: maybe movie at Michigan theater, Backroom Pizza, one last evening of randomness around downtown Ann Arbor and campus
• Friday: goodbye party at work, dinner at Blue Nile
• Saturday: Farmer's Market at 7 AM (!!) finish packing, dinner at Seva, drinks at Rush Street or Bar Louie
• Sunday: move!

Of course with every move, things seem to go wrong. Like I think there may be a dead mouse stuck somewhere in the oven. Or that my rearview mirror fell off and I can't seem to fix it! Or that half of outlets in my house short-circuited this morning and I have to find the circuit board thing.

I'm also trying to finish Harry Potter book seven before I have to return it to my friend tomorrow. I'm on page 200, read between the hours of 11 and 1 AM last night...

Crazilicious Month

My last three weeks in Ann Arbor:

1. Lunch everyday with old friends
2. Training my replacement at work
3. 5 goodbye parties
4. 2 Cedar Point trips
5. 2 yoga classes a week with this amazing instructor
6. 2 birthdays
7. 1 day at Art Fair
8. 1 final babysitting gig for my surrogate nephew

scenes from my vacation

Vacation

This is where I'll be all next week. =)

Yogic Meditations

Yesterday, we ended our yoga practice meditating on how to love and accept ourselves as well as people who have wronged us. We practiced the act of forgiveness. The instructor told the class that the meditation might not seem real at first, that we may not feel the emotion of forgiving, but we must commit to going through the motions and hope that grace will allow our emotions to catch up with the motions.

Sound familiar? I remember being taught this in Sunday school about not only forgiveness, but prayer and worship. If yogis can practice this without the Spirit of God, I can definitely commit to obedient acts of prayer and worship toward God and trust that God will grant me the grace of allowing my emotions and feelings to catch up with my actions.

We ended with a mantra spoken toward someone who had wronged us:
May you be safe and protected
May you be free from suffering
May you be healthy and strong
May you be able to live in this world happily, peacefully and with joy

I didn't like this mantra so I found myself repeating instead:

May God keep you safe and protected
May He carry you through suffering
May He keep you healthy and strong
May God grant you His happiness, His peace and His joy

poor cat, poor me

Fat cat got an infection from a horrid spider bite so I took her to the animal ER. Poor thing was shaking from getting her blood drawn and from the trauma of the whole visit. We got back around midnight and I decided to let her share my bed as a pity gift. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep a wink last night as she thought it was a great idea to keep stepping on me to cross sides of the bed.

shame

after yesterday's sermon, i realize i live with a constant feeling of shame. i wonder how much of it is from never really dealing with my cultural identity crisis.

My Summer Thus Far

Well, technically isn't summer yet, but it's been warm and sunny.

I leave Ann Arbor in less than 2 months, yet I'm so excited for the 2 months to come. We started interviewing for my replacement at work this week, making my move seem more real. I've been up to a lot of nothing it seems. I'm taking full advantage of my library card and have been reading and watching DVDs like mad. I've also been baby-sitting a lot since sadly, I won't get to witness little Bubs growing up after my move.

Things I'm looking forward to:

• Sunning by the pool this weekend
• Cedar Point
• The annual Kiss My Vacation - this year at Hocking Hills
• Company picnic at the Tiger's game
• Road trip to Austin

Things I've yet to plan:

• Meals at: Jerusalem Garden, Zingerman's Roadhouse, Blue Nile
• Karaoke
• Trip to the beach

It'll be a good summer. =)