At the start of any romantic relationship, both parties seem to be involved in this dating game. One person signifies attraction to the other, and the game begins. The game involves giving signals of interest to one another without being overbearing, for if one lays it all out on the table right away, the mystery and the attraction suddenly vanishes. While both sides should be clear about intentions, it's important not to let the relationship develop too fast. In the getting-to-know-you phase, if the choice for an easy out disappears too soon, the relationship partner who is not ready will begin to feel smothered and suffocated and want to leave.
Thus, we get people who play hard to get in relationships. We get those who are hot and cold, then hot again and cold the following week. We are afraid to call too frequently, and we repeatedly analyze words we have said or texted or email in fear that we have revealed too much too soon. We pretend to be apathetic while inside we are completely obsessed.
Let me tell you, this game is EXHAUSTING.
It's true, I'm not a fan of the game. In fact, I've been known to say that I wish we could all just be done with these games, that I'm ready for someone who is just straightforward and honest. Let's just say I learned to be careful what I wish for.
As much as I hate the game, I realized that the game serves two purposes. As stated above, the game allows the relationship time to develop at a slow and healthy pace. But also, as our society has developed into one that is game-playing, the dating game is now a test of social competency. I realized this recently when I was talking about boys with a close girlfriend and she remarked,"oh, honey, the boy's got no game! You don't want to be with someone who doesn't know how to play the game."
Sadly, I realized she was probably right. The dating game is a way of showing others that you are socially skilled, that you know how to interact with other people. And if you can navigate your way through a dating relationship, you can probably navigate your way through other social situations such as friendships, networking situations, business deals, etc. The dating game has become part of the "mating ritual," a way to prove to the other party that you are desirable and competent as a mate.
I'm curious to know what you all think. Is the dating game now indispensable? Is it really taken as a sign of social competency?
(next post: are we settling or being realistic?)
2 comments:
Hi Tracy! Saw this on your twitter. What a fun topic. I spend a lot of time talking about this one with my best friend.
I think there's a fine line between dating game and then games in general. Before I met my husband, I was terribly terribly tired of the "games" that some people can play while dating. Sure, there's a small amount of social finesse that takes place at the beginning, while you're trying to figure out if the other person is right for you. And we went through that, too. But I think all too often between the ages of 20-30 (and perhaps longer) a lot of people hide behind the games. You reach a certain point where it's just excruciating not to be honest about how you really feel. Sometimes it just goes on too long. It was really refreshing for me to leave the US dating culture when I was 20 and find people who weren't terrified of rejection like I believe we are here. It works out, or it doesn't, but dragging it out and analyzing every little exchange can get really tiring!
Of course, then, there's the opposite. For example, in Chile, there were no games. A guy is interested and he shows it. Sometimes way too much. Subtle "signs" don't work, he can't get the picture. So it goes both ways.
Maybe there's a happy medium? I think reaching a sort of "maturity" is knowing when to stop the games and be a grown-up, and somehow I feel like American guys don't really get that until, oh, about 40?
Here's the link, as requested.
http://www.city-journal.org/2008/18_4_darwinist_dating.html
Especially relevant for the first commenter based on her last remark. Most women I've dated had absurdly inflexible timelines for when they want to be married & wanted to spend some time pursuing some Sex and the City-inspired fantasy of gathering life experience before they could grow up and act like adults. For some reason the author focuses on a ridiculous subculture of guys who were probably jerks to begin with, but for my part I have a pretty total lack of respect for any woman who intentionally spends her 20s (or any significant part of her life) being a tramp. Certainly won't marry one.
Post a Comment