The Healing Process

Here's a picture to keep my momma updated on my life (she's not on Facebook). A picture of me and my friends from this weekend. As you can see, I need to tan.

First off, I want to say I do appreciate the comments from my posts on relationships. They gave me a lot of food for thought and one of them even made me blush. ;)

As I had mentioned a few weeks ago, I am nursing a left hamstring injury that popped out of nowhere. When I came back to Texas I was working slowly through Primary series everyday, because Primary series is named "Yoga therapy" for it's ability to heal and open up the body. I was (and still am) taking weekly epsom salt baths to loosen up the muscles and massaging my hamstring (and shoulder) with castor oil daily to break down the scar tissue.

Last week I finally returned to practicing with my teacher (the commitment-phobe in me doesn't want to call him "my teacher," but that's really what he's become) and he watched my practice for 3 days before banning me from Primary series.

He told me he knows that Primary is supposed to be healing, but what my hamstrings need right now is a complete break. To heal something, sometimes you need to just leave it alone for awhile. Instead, I'm doing the little bit of Intermediate series I know (as well as finally learning what I've been avoiding forever: the handstand) until he gives me the okay to go back to practicing the hamstring-aggravating Primary series.

This reminds me of a story I had read in Nischala Joy Devi's translation of the Yoga Sutras. She was talking about how she was going to refuse medication after a complicated dental procedure because she doesn't believe in taking medication. After all, no pain, no gain right? The dentist returned the prescription back to her, saying "You may want to rethink that. Research has determined that when even moderate pain is experienced, the healing process is inhibited." (The Secret Power of Yoga, page 25).

This blows my mind. In a culture where our mantra is "no pain, no gain," in a world where discomfort is taken as a sign of growth and progress, could it be possible that sometimes letting things sit and rest can be more effective than dealing with pain and problems head on? One of the faculty in my area at school (Pennebaker) found in his research on the effects of expressive writing on health that it's actually healthier to NOT talk through traumatizing events the first few days after they occur.

So when do we take immediate action and when do we let things sit? When there is a rift in a relationship, do we allow things to sit for a little or do we address the issue straightaway? We're taught to address problems immediately because problems will only grow worse over time. But clearly that's not always the case. When do we act, and when is it okay to wait?

Being Me

Austin downtown shenanigans:

Ahhhhh...finally have some time to blog!! My flight landed in Austin at around 11pm last Monday and I had to be on campus at 9:30 the next morning to run a research study. Let's just say I haven't stopped since. I'm acclimating to my new schedule along with teaching a brand new Vinyasa class, trying to catch up with Austin friends, and have been scrambling to finish up some tasks before I leave for Vegas next Wednesday. I've been driving back and forth town a ton since I got back and really am looking forward to commuting less when I (hopefully) relocate closer to downtown this summer.

But despite the busyness of it all, I've been feeling an incredible joy this week. Which is SUCH A GIFT, considering how I've been feeling this past week in Austin. When I came back from break, I actually felt incredibly discouraged both about teaching yoga and about my research. I felt my work was sub-par in both, and I kept comparing myself to others and found myself coming up short.

When I shared this with my wonderful friend and fellow yoga teacher Sarah (affectionately known as "Struttin'", she reminded me that my worth as a yoga teacher is not determined by my students. It is not determined by how complicated my flow sequences are, or even by the level of energy I bring to the class. My entire worth as a yoga teacher is based on the fact that I am teaching to the best of my ability in order to glorify and honor Christ and that is that. The same goes for my research. My worth as a Psychologist is not determined by how many publications are on my vita, by my teaching evaluations, even by the amount of funding I receive. The important thing to focus on is researching to glorify and honor the Lord. And if I'm aiming to please Him, He will direct my path in the right direction, whatever that means for me.

Coincidentally - or rather, Providentially - the sermon on Sunday was related to that lesson. Hmmm..is someone trying to tell me something?

So I'm letting go of the comparisons, and wishing I was more like so-and-so. I'm letting go of focusing on how I measure up to others in the same line of work as me. And I'm focusing on bringing who I am and what I have to offer to the table. Being true to myself as Christian, and true to what I feel called to do. And let me tell you, I have never felt so much joy in my research and in teaching!

I taught a Vinyasa class this evening where we celebrated our breath. We celebrated our bodies and the movements we are able to take. We laughed, we sweated, we flowed, we fell on our face, and we got back up again. It was absolutely exhilarating! I may not be the best yoga teacher out there, and I may not be the most talented researcher by far, but I'm working hard and doing my best, being true to who I am. And that, finally, is enough.

Movies watched during my Michigan visit

*edited*

• The White Dragon
• Star Trek
• Julie & Julia
• The Ugly Truth (I had seen it in the theaters already)
• Flashdance
• Kingdom of Heaven
• Two Lovers
• Revolutionary Road
• Avatar - 3D
• Sherlock Holmes
• Princess and the Frog
• Robin-B-Hood (could only make it through half of it before I had to stop)

Loved Avatar, Star Trek, Sherlock Holmes, and Princess and the Frog. Flashdance was a feel-good '80's flick. And Two Lovers and Revolutionary Road were interesting to me as a Social Psychologist.

Flying back to sunny Austin tomorrow - my vacation is OFFICIALLY over!

The Waiting Game

Last post on dating in a while, I promise. It's just that my blog posts are usually about Yoga or school, but after 3 weeks of vacation, I've actually had time to think.... But anyway.

I was shopping with my with my bestie today, or rather, helping her to shop. She needed some inexpensive clothes for her clinicals (she's in school to be a physical therapist) and so dragged me to Kohl's. So as we have done since high school, we nabbed the big dressing room so she could model her selections as I nod or grimace in response. It suddenly hit me as I watched my friend - who is already married with a kid - while I sat there in my dry-clean only dress and knee-high boots pounding away at my new I-Pod Touch to plan out my first week in Austin that I'm on my way to becoming that lonely career woman that I always feared being. (Note: I'm only wearing a dress in Michigan because 3 weeks of my momma's cooking = too-tight jeans). I am not in a serious relationship, I have two careers, and I am reveling in the single-girl-in-the-city lifestyle. Not that anything is wrong with that. But if I was given a choice between having a cozy family in a tiny house years from now or living an urban lifestyle in a high-rise downtown apartment loft, I'd choose the former. My current choices, I realize, are leading to the latter.

I'm a bit of a workaholic, I admit, but it's not because I really believe I have no time for relationships (the romantic kind). I date, but I haven't found anyone I'm willing to slow down my lifestyle for. I figure, I'm happy, I'm self-sufficient, so I don't need anyone to take care of me (...not that I don't want someone to take care of me). If I were to settle down, it would be for someone I want as a companion, someone I can walk side-by-side with.

I know a lot of fantastic men in Austin. Men who are genuine and kind. Men who are men - the kind women everywhere are looking for. But as fun as I have hanging out with those men, I haven't wanted to enter into a serious relationship the ones I have met because of this intangible feeling called "lack of chemistry or compatibility." I've met men who on paper have everything I'm looking for. We have similar ambitions, similar interests, and I have a lot of fun conversing with them. But I just don't feel that "zsa-zsa-zsu." Which leads me to wonder: am I waiting for something that doesn't exist?

In other words, am I choosing not to settle or am I in need of a reality check?

When I talk to my married friends or those who are in long-term serious relationships, most say they never got the butterflies when they met their partner. That we've been too influenced by the fairy tale concept of the perfect Prince Charming and that relationships are more practical than that. They also use the frustrating phrase "you'll just know." You may not know right away, mind you, but when you meet the right person, eventually, "you'll know." (Sidenote, my bestie used to scoff at that phrase with me until she met "the one." Then she crossed over to the dark side of "you'll know"ers).

So say I'm dating a guy, and he wants to take the relationship a step further, and I'm just not feeling the zsa-zsa-zsu, what should I do? Should I hold on in case somewhere down the line "I'll know?" Or should I be alarmed that while he's perfect on paper, I'm not feeling it, and thus pull the plug on the relationship? Again, am I choosing not to settle by ending it, or am I sentencing myself to a lifetime of being alone?

Of course, I realize I'm only 25 years young and sentencing myself to a lifetime of loneliness would be a bit of a hyperbole for ending one relationship, but once can become twice, twice becomes five, and next thing I know, I'm 50 and alone.

Again, I'm curious to know what others think. How do you know if you're settling or holding out for something that doesn't exist?

The Dating Game

This is a post I've been wanting to write for awhile. That is, the concept of playing "the game."

At the start of any romantic relationship, both parties seem to be involved in this dating game. One person signifies attraction to the other, and the game begins. The game involves giving signals of interest to one another without being overbearing, for if one lays it all out on the table right away, the mystery and the attraction suddenly vanishes. While both sides should be clear about intentions, it's important not to let the relationship develop too fast. In the getting-to-know-you phase, if the choice for an easy out disappears too soon, the relationship partner who is not ready will begin to feel smothered and suffocated and want to leave.

Thus, we get people who play hard to get in relationships. We get those who are hot and cold, then hot again and cold the following week. We are afraid to call too frequently, and we repeatedly analyze words we have said or texted or email in fear that we have revealed too much too soon. We pretend to be apathetic while inside we are completely obsessed.

Let me tell you, this game is EXHAUSTING.

It's true, I'm not a fan of the game. In fact, I've been known to say that I wish we could all just be done with these games, that I'm ready for someone who is just straightforward and honest. Let's just say I learned to be careful what I wish for.

As much as I hate the game, I realized that the game serves two purposes. As stated above, the game allows the relationship time to develop at a slow and healthy pace. But also, as our society has developed into one that is game-playing, the dating game is now a test of social competency. I realized this recently when I was talking about boys with a close girlfriend and she remarked,

"oh, honey, the boy's got no game! You don't want to be with someone who doesn't know how to play the game."

Sadly, I realized she was probably right. The dating game is a way of showing others that you are socially skilled, that you know how to interact with other people. And if you can navigate your way through a dating relationship, you can probably navigate your way through other social situations such as friendships, networking situations, business deals, etc. The dating game has become part of the "mating ritual," a way to prove to the other party that you are desirable and competent as a mate.

I'm curious to know what you all think. Is the dating game now indispensable? Is it really taken as a sign of social competency?

(next post: are we settling or being realistic?)

A Little out of Whack

The last few days I've felt a little off.

The holidays + Michigan freezing weather is wreaking havoc on my body. My left hamstring completely froze up, basically crippling my yoga practice. This morning my whole body felt like dead weight, and every pose was modified so heavily that my practice didn't feel like my practice.

I went home and slept the whole afternoon.

I finally woke up with a heavy migraine that prevented me from being super productive in research.

Now I'm exhausted and nodding off even as I'm blogging. I feel like I'm starting the New Year off on the wrong foot. Hopefully over the next week I'll be able to find order in my life again.

New Year's Resolutions

"A king may move a man, a father may claim a son. But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God you cannot say 'but I was told by others to do this' or that 'virtue was not convenient at the time.' This will not suffice. Remember that". -King Baldwin IV in Kingdom of Heaven.

I've been catching up on a lot of movies this break, both good and really poorly made movies. But this particular quote stood out to me as I was watching Kingdom of Heaven.

As I look forward to the new year, I realize that this year I really want to own up to my actions. To finally take responsibility for myself and not blame my actions on circumstances. There is not much I am in control of, but I am in control of my choices and actions in each given situation. And my actions, no matter how small can have lasting consequences.

So this year, I resolve to be responsible for myself, not blaming my shortcomings on other people or circumstances "e.g., it was the alcohol."

I resolve to not take people's reactions to me so personally, to realize a lot of times people are working through their own issues.

Other goals:

Live alone again, and this time closer to school

Pick up a Master's degree by the end of summer

Take control of my finances - to not go over-budget each month

That's all I can come up with for now. I pray and hope this year will be a year where dreams start being realized, that I will move beyond talk and take action. Happy New Year, everyone!!