Unfaithful

Been debating whether to post this since it's going to be a rather personal post. But here goes.

As a relationships researcher, and as a woman in her twenties, I think a lot about relationships. Lately, I've been listening obsessively to Rihanna's song Unfaithful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_4-zRVFLnY.

The song really struck a chord in me. In the song, Rihanna is singing about how much she loves a man. "He is more than a man, and this is more than love," she says. But for some reason, she cannot stay faithful to him. She loves him so much that her unfaithfulness is killing her inside. She hates hurting him over and over again, but she just can't seem to stop. She sings "Our love, his trust, I might as well put a gun to his head...I don't want to do this anymore." I think we as listeners are supposed to be relating to HER pain and HER struggle of hurting the man she loves.

But my reaction is this: THAT ISN'T LOVE!! Rihanna, you DON'T love him. If you really knew how to love, you wouldn't hurt that man!! Yet that is when I realized that we live in a world where people are so broken that they simply do not know how to love. They are not necessarily malicious, they are just incapable of loving.

Very recently I was involved with a guy who was constantly letting me down. And each time he saw that I was hurt, he'd also have a pained look in his eyes as he pleaded for me to forgive him. "I don't mean to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. But I know that I keep hurting your feelings."

The hard thing is that he's right. I know this guy never meant to hurt me. But the truth was, he lacked the ability to love me the way I needed to be loved. It doesn't mean that I should put up with not being loved correctly, and so finally by the grace of God I was able to walk away from that relationship.

I find when I look back at that relationship, I have nothing but compassion on that guy. And I have nothing but compassion for Rihanna's character in the song. And when I hear stories of people hurting (not physically) each other in relationships, I know that more times than not, it's not with malicious intent, but it's because people are imperfect and so they lack the ability to love correctly. Rather than demonizing those who have hurt me or my friends, I feel sorry for them. Because they are doing the best they can, yet their "love" has such limits. (And I'm not claiming to be an exception to this).

The result of this is that I do find it hard to trust people, especially in the context of romantic relationships. However, I was talking to my roommate's boyfriend yesterday and he reminded me of a very important truth.

First of all, I do need to learn to trust again. Otherwise, I'll never again let anyone in my life. Second of all, I have to keep in the forefront of my mind where I am placing my identity. If my entire identity is in how I am treated in a relationship, or even my relationship status, then of course being slighted in the relationship will be absolutely devastating to me. But if I keep my identity rooted solely in the Lord - as His child and as His bride - then there is a lot less at stake. My identity and my value will never change. Relationships come and go. Maybe I get rejected. Maybe I get hurt. I am sure to laugh, to cry, to feel joy, and to feel pain. But through it all, who I am and my value as a human being will never, ever be touched.