Sad, but true....

Imposter Syndrome

im·pos·tor syn·drome /ɪmˈpɒstər/ /ˈsɪndroʊm, -drəm/
-noun

1. Feeling like a fake
2. Attributing success to luck
3. Discounting and downplaying success
4. What Tracy is MAJORLY experiencing this semester

It's getting to be a problem. It really is. I shared this with my community group tonight during prayer requests and it led to major breakthroughs and feelings of relief among the women. So much so that one of the guys felt led to pray over the women. Haha, I love my community group.

Slowed Down

Saturday morning I strained some muscle in my rotator cuff. I think it's the infraspinatus, but I'm not sure. To say the least, it's greatly slowed down general movement and breathing, not to mention my yoga practice.

School's started again, and I'm adjusting to a new TA schedule, new classes, running research studies, and switching from early morning yoga classes to night yoga classes. I'm still recovering from break, and I find myself constantly tired.

During quiet times, I keep running into a theme: aloneness with God.

What does that mean exactly? When do I cling to community and when do I shut out outside influence and just sit in silence? When do I "venture" into the real world and when do I shelter myself?

And finally, I ask myself, why do I fear being alone when it comes to interpersonal relationships - both platonic and romantic?

The Uses of Not

Thirty spokes
Meet in the hub,
Where the wheel isn't
Is where it's useful.

Hollowed out,
Clay makes a pot.
Where the pot's not
Is where it's useful.

Cut doors and windows
To make a room.
Where the room isn't,
There's room for you.

So the profit in what is
Is in the use of what isn't.

~~Lao Tzu

Another Year

Happy New Year! Back in Austin trying to get my head back together after a 3 week vacation from school... luckily I caught a few items with a deadline of Jan. 4 while going through school emails before it was too late!!

I think New Years might be my favorite holiday since it really symbolizes new beginnings. I've learned, however, that change and new beginnings don't happen overnight. Still, it's exciting to have a day that marks a looking forward to changes in my life.

A few weeks ago, some friends and I gathered at the Heidelberg in downtown Ann Arbor and wrote our New Year resolutions. Here are a few of mine:

1. Improve my Mandarin. I'm going to start going through my Chinese school CDs again, and maybe even take a Chinese class at UT over the summer.
   
2. Get my yoga teaching certification and finish the Ashtanga Primary Series.


3. Get more involved in my church. I'm wavering between committing to the church I attend now and looking for a new church. I attended a Chinese church before break, and they've been really great at persisting contact with me. Unfortunately, there is only one service I can attend on Sunday, and it really isn't the best time for me... Either way, I'm going to start going to Sunday school classes and be more proactive about hanging out with people outside of small group.


4. Go waterskiing.

Seriously??

I don't usually like to complain about assignments we have to do for school, but when I'm up late trying to answer essay questions such as the following:

Jost and his colleagues have reported that politically conservative people are relatively uncertain, closed minded, and intolerant of ambiguity and change. From this it follows that conservatives would oppose universal health care, because it represents a change. Imagine that you have been elected the next president and you want to introduce universal health care. Using the knowledge you gained in the course, explain how you would convince conservatives of the virtues of universal health care.

I have to wonder...is this assignment for real??

It's all part of the job...

It feels really stinky when a student emails you freaking out because his grade is teetering between an A and a B, and you have to inform him that he misread the syllabus and that his grade actually is teetering between a B and a C.

Alone ... The word is life

endured and known.

It is the stillness where our

spirits walk

And all but inmost faith is

overthrown.

~Siegfried Sassoon

Those were the days...

Count down to finals begin, and I'm being a good girl and turning down all my social invites this weekend to study.

I ran across these pictures today, both of them with some of my best friends. Ah, those were the days...

Acceptance

"He said, 'I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, 'I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, 'I will withraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, 'I will submit; I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, 'I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to His son explain.'
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace."

~Amy Carmichael

I know I'm compulsively posting now, but I went to bed around 9 only to wake up at 11:30pm. Oh the joys of insomnia. I'm drinking warmed milk with cinnamon hoping it will help. If you know any other cures for insomnia, please pass them along!!!

Something's in the air

I think I'm getting sick.

Exhibit A: I all but black out this morning during yoga.
Exhibit B: I voice sounds slightly scratchy.
Exhibit C: I'm so out of it that I asked my advisor to spell an acronym he used.
Exhibit D: I felt ready to crawl into bed by 8 pm.

Not a good time to be getting sick as we're nearing the last week of classes!

Pictures from Thanksgiving:

It's a mental thing...

Let me introduce you to the yogic headstand: salamba sirsana. In Ashtanga yoga, part of the finishing series is to hold salamba sirsana for about 20-25 breaths (pictured below).

Afterward, you would lower your legs and hold salamba sirsana b (below) for another 5-10 breaths, then pull back up into the original pose before coming down.
This move is the bane of my current yogic existance. At first I feared falling backward and breaking my neck. When I finally fell backward a few times, I realized I wouldn't break my neck. However, I almost broke my fingers when my head rolled over my clasped hands. Since that experience, I haven't gotten myself to lower down into Salamba Sirsana B.

Until yesterday. I was in another Yoga class when the instructor gave us 5 minutes to work on any inversion of our choice. I chose to work on the headstand, but this time I pulled my mat a foot away from the wall, giving me no chance to fall backward. I never had to use the wall.

It's a mental block I'm facing. It makes me think of how many things in life I just can't do because of my fear rather than an actual limitation of my abilities. And how does one break through this mental block? I guess I'll start finding out tomorrow morning when I attempt this pose again without the safety of a wall behind me.

A Crisis of Faith

As 2007 is drawing to a close, I've spent much of my Thanksgiving break reflecting on this past year. 2007 was a tough year for me.

I grew up in the church, and my social circle consisted of Christians all my life up till the fall of 2006. That fall, I finally "graduated" from InterVarsity, I switched churches, and almost entirely changed my social network in Ann Arbor. For the first time in my life, my closest friends weren't Christians, and the "Christian thing to do" was no longer the default but rather an actual choice I had to make.

I failed miserably. I never left the church per se, but in a lot of ways I turned by back on what I spent my whole life believing in. I spent 2007 going through what I now recognize to be my first true crisis of faith. It seemed like an endless cycle of poor decisions and regret followed by going through the motions of repentence, then repeating my poor decisions. I vascillated between believing true joy comes from following Christ, and wishing I could throw away my faith entirely. The lament of God in Hosea 6:4 still resonates with me "What can I do with you, Ephraim? What can I do with you, Judah? Your love is like the morning mist, like the early dew that disappears."

M told me over the phone that I had to choose what I believed in and act in accordance to that. It's really convicting when my non-believing friend reiterates to me Truth. I'm finally choosing. It's a slow journey, one that I'm still in the process of, but I can truly say that God is faithful. This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I am receiving the lesson of what it means to choose Christ. I am thankful for trials and tribulations because they force me to recognize who God is, and to examine who I am. In many ways, this year I was stripped of almost everything I placed my identity in. I've been stripped of the pride I take in "being a good Christian." I'm questioning whether I'm really cut out to be a researcher not only in skill but also in motivation and passion. That's scary because my career is the sole reason I moved to Austin. When all is stripped away, I can finally see that all I have to cling onto is Christ. I'm thankful for this year, because David's prayer in Psalm 51:10-12 is that much more meaningful to me:

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

On a less serious note, I had a great Thanksgiving at my friend J's. There were 5 of us who spent no less than 9 hours eating on Turkey day. It was amazing.

Since I finally spent some quality time at home this weekend, I realized how much I hated my room. My walls were bare, and the layout of my room was just depressing and empty. So I spent a few hours today rearranging my room. Here's the end result:

I bought some posters online as well so the walls will get some color. I'm also going to get some candles to line my window.

I haven't taken my camera out all semester, but here's a picture of C and me at Halloween from someone else's camera. C is a first-year in Evolutionary Psychology. As we're both the only first-year girls in our areas, we bonded pretty quickly.

I can't believe my first semester of grad school ends in 2 1/2 weeks!

This is what research psychologists find funny....

I think over Thanksgiving I'll try to revive this blog...

Until then, here's a spoof questionnaire called the Hidden Brain Damage Scale (to measure whether you have hidden brain damage). My advisor and I were giggling over this today... The first 37 items are by D. Wegner, R. Vallacher and C. Gilbert (copyrighted by the American Psychological Association, 1979 in the American Psychologist). Hope that prevents me from getting sued for posting this.

1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
2. I can't unclasp my hands.
3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
6. I often mistake my hands for food.
7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
8. I never liked room temperature.
9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
10. My throat is closer than it seems.
11. I can smell my nose hairs.
12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
16. My patio is covered with a killer frost.
17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
18. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
19. My best friend is a social worker.
20. I've always known when to close my eyes.
21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
22. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
24. I walk this way because I have to.
25. Walls impede my progress.
26. I can't find all my marmots.
27. There's only one thing for me.
28. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
29. I can pet animals by the mouthful.
30. My toes are numbered.
31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
32. People tell me when I'm deaf.
33. My beaver won't go near the water.
34. I can find my ears, but I have to look.
35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
37. I don't like any of my loved ones.
38. I try to get out of bed at least once a day.
39. I have tried to bonsai my dog.
40. When I dance, I have two left thumbs.
41. My plants don't trust me any more.
42. I'm still searching for the perfect pencil.
43. More people know about me than I do.
44. I get sleepy just staying awake.
45. The air is my best friend.
46. My cup does its job TOO WELL.
47. The sight of a fluorescent light makes me nervous.
48. I sent away for the booklet, "How To Become Literate."
49. I couldn't care less about apathy.
50. My hair is conspiring against me.
51. I am on a strict diet of non-biodegradable food.
52. I have more feet than my shoes.

Research Opportunity

Here's a shameless plug for my study:

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Midterms...

I'm at school so much that I accidentally referred to my office as "home" and my (male) officemate as my roommate at least twice over the past week...

Conviction

Last night I hung out with a new and dear friend who simply exhudes God's presence. I went home, humbled and filled with conviction.

I grew up thinking I knew everything, yet there's such a disconnect between my head and my heart. I have so much to learn, and so far to grow.

Daily Grind

My day starts out at 6:30 AM at my yoga studio. I'm there till about 8:30, go home, and get ready for school. I get to school usually about 9:30-10 AM, and leave around 7 PM. Depending on the day I'll be dropping off the recycling, attending community group, happy hours, Grey's nights, or going home to study more. Around 11, I decompress and have some quiet time, and go to bed at midnight.

I feel that I'm working much harder than I did as an undergrad, but somehow I'm more disciplined, I'm happier, healthier, and less stressed. Today I'm feeling a little more tired than usual, but last week and this week just happen to be tough weeks.

One of the neat things about Austin is its thriving yoga community and excellent teachers. There are three teachers I have "adopted" here in Austin. In terms of yoga lineage, I'm studying under the students of Pattabhi Jois (the founder of Ashtanga Yoga), Shiva Rea (who is considered the Madonna of Yoga), and Rod Stryker. Does that make them my grandparents in yoga? Monday through Thursday mornings I attend a Mysore Ashtanga where I work through the primary series step by step. It's difficult most mornings, but I've found it to be so rewarding. I'm learning to not push myself or beat myself for not yet reaching a certain stage in the series, to be forgiving towards my body and mind. I'm hoping that this lesson on the mat is translating into how I relate to myself and to others in school. I find that I carry a lot of my stress and grief in my left hip, and through releasing those emotions through the sitting series I'm able to get through my day with a clear mind. Most of all, I find myself able to meditate on the things I learn during my quiet times the evening before. The current move I'm working on, bhujapidasana (the end of part b shown above), is really a struggle for me. But I'm learning to draw strength from my core rather than just my arms. The thing about yoga - it really teaches self-love. To do any of these moves you have to trust your body, and when you achieve the move, you love your body all the more for what it just did.

Today I also had lunch at Mellow Mushroom with two of the girls in my community group. Not only was it nice to sit and chat with them, I think we're starting a weekly accountability group!

Routine School Emails

This was in my inbox this morning:

Environmental Health and Safety (EHS) and the Office of the Vice President for Employee and Campus Services (ECS) want to remind you that Austin has a significant bat population, and though they're really cute--bats are considered a high-rabies risk species and should NEVER be touched.

If you find a live or dead bat in a building or a live bat that can not fly outside, please call Environmental Health & Safety's Animal Make Safe program at ###-BATS (####).

don't call me

So out of the blue my phone decided to go kaput today. I ordered a new phone online so I may be cellphone-less until the end of the week or early next week. If I don't answer or return your calls, it's not that I don't like you - give me till next week. Same cell phone number. Peace.