Balance

FINALLY some time to post. 

School got off to a rough start with my laptop breaking and me scrambling to find a way to keep up with research without being able to work from home (let's just say one too many super early mornings followed by late night at the office). My yoga practice was shot and consisted of me practicing whenever I could (random times, like between 9-10pm one day, 3:17-4 the next, etc). I was stressed about work, stressed about money, stressed about generally everything. I felt out of control. Which is ironic as my themes for this fall/semester are "balance" and "freedom."

Then I went to church on Sunday and the sermon blew my mind. Stick with me here because I know the sermon may seem unrelated at first.

We have been going through a 4-week series on Temptation, moving through the book of Hebrews, focusing on what grace is, and what it means to have Jesus as our high priest. This week, however, the sermon was about God as our Father. He is a disciplinary father, but the discipline is for our good. Jeff used the analogy of us gripping an electric fence, holding fast and unable to let go due to the current running through us. Discipline is painful, but it is a lesser pain to prevent us from suffering a greater pain. Discipline in this analogy would be us being forcefully wrenched from the electric fence. The wrenching is painful, yes, but it is a lesser pain compared to the pain of being electrocuted to death. Our God is a good God, and He is a father. And like (some of) our earthly fathers (and I am blessed enough to have a great father), He will not want to see His children suffer in great pain for long. So He will discipline when it is for our own good. Moreover, the end result of discipline will always be freedom. 

This is a simple concept, yet profound to me. I think as a Christian, I still live in a way where I feel condemned all the time. I try to keep myself in check, do the right things, and feel super guilty when I screw up. But what I'm starting to learn -- and this lesson became more solidified through the sermon -- is that the more I focus on my shortcomings, the less I focus on my goal, which is Christ. And so because of God's character, instead of focusing on keeping myself in check, I can just run after Him freely with no regard for anything else, and know that because He is a good father, He will correct me if I am doing something wrong.

Back to my unbalanced life of late. I realize that most of my imbalance comes from the stress of feeling like I'm not handling things right, that I keep screwing up and am falling short of my own expectations (I'm not doing enough research, I'm not getting a full yoga practice in daily, etc). But everything that needs to get done is getting done. They are just not getting in the order or the way I expect them to. So perhaps if I stop focusing on what I'm not doing (which is what is causing this feeling of unbalance), and just live and accomplish what I can to the best of my abilities, I'll find myself more balanced than not.

Surrendering to usher in freedom.

If things need to change in my life, I can trust that those things will become apparent soon. Until then, I can just focus on living without worrying about my shortcomings. And that, I believe, is the key to balance and freedom.