Broken Relationships

A theme surrounding the lives of my close others has been brokenness in human relationships. There's something about the death of a romantic relationship that seems to move and affect people more so than any other tragedy. In fact, I may be bold (and perhaps ignorant) in repeating an account of a holocaust survivor who claimed that despite all she had gone through, she considered the biggest trial of her life - the one that left her the most broken - was her divorce.

I step back and wonder why I study romantic relationships. Although my research interests have shifted drastically to a more identity focus than a relationship focus, I'm still captivated by the human search for great romance. There's something about these relationships that highlight the extent of our incompleteness - our search for something more. Perhaps it is a search for true, unadulterated love. Perhaps it is a search for completeness.

Yet I've come to the conclusion that we will never find completion through relationship with another human being; my experiences in the last year and a half have knocked any romantic idealism out of me. I do not doubt that one can be greatly blessed through finding their soulmate. I just believe that finding this soulmate is not the elixir for our incompleteness.

This search for completion in another (whether conscious or unconscious) is a beautiful disaster. There is something beautiful and pure about it; yet it is ultimately disastrous outside of the One. It really breaks my heart.

I've been listening to all evening to Glen Hansard's music featured in the movie "Once." It's an excellent soundtrack. Two songs in particular communicate to me the extent of the scars that can be left on us by broken relationships. I listen and I weep for all my loved ones who have been battered and bruised by broken relationships.

All the Way Down

You have broken me all the way
down,down upon my knees.
And you have broken me all the way down,
you'll be the last, you'll see.

Some fight you gave,
and I pushed you away
from me.

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.

And what chance have we got
when you've missed every shot
for me?

And in the morning when you turn in
I'll be out of reach.
And in the darkness when you find this
I'll be far to sea.

And you have broken me all the way down.
You'll be the last, you'll see.


Falling Slowly

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

So Amazing

caption: tableside smores at Halcyon with some dear friends from community group

The theme of my life in the last week has been relationships. I turned 24 on Tuesday; 2 days before the vernal equinox. My first birthday away from home was incredible.

Tuesday, one of my fellow grad students brought me ice cream cake. My officemate took me out for a sushi dinner and Les followed that up with gelato at Dolce Vita. The next evening, about 20 of my friends celebrated my birthday at a local jazz bar after which we wandered to one of my favorite pubs in Austin, the Gingerman. Throughout the two days, I got to talk with and catch up with friends from all over the country. Quite amazing, really.

What blew me away was that in only 7 months, I've been incredibly blessed with a community people who cared about me and who I could turn to anytime. I have great friends at school who I can be neurotic with, a yoga community who encourages me to grow holistically in both mind and body, and a community group at church with whom I can be weak and learn in humility from.

I know now that Austin was the place I am supposed to be, academics aside. I love the city, I really do. I've hosted and shown two prospective grad students around Austin in the last month, and each time I find myself falling in love with the city just a little bit more. It's here that I've finally started to grow again spiritually after 2 years of stagnation.

One of my yoga instructors said something quite poignant that has stuck with me the last week. She said that the way we carry ourselves and the way we open up to others allow us to bless others. It also invites others the opportunity to bless us in return. I just pray that in the next 4 1/2 years I'm in Austin, I'm able to take every opportunity to connect with others, and to never let an opportunity slip to share with them what I have been so blessed with!

Emotionally healthy

My dear friend Les lent me a book called Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. It's life-changing already and I'm only on chapter 1. For as long as I can remember I've been feeling that there's something just wrong in my life. This book is causing me to reflect not only on my spiritual life this past year, but spanning all the way back to my spiritual walk in youth group as well as InterVarsity.

I realize that I've never been emotionally mature.

Could it be that I've been so drained physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually because I've never taken the time to work through emotional baggage I've carried with me all these years? Could that be why I've been so jaded with the church and with Christian leadership? Could that have spawned some deep-rooted rebellion in my life?

Two quotes by Oswald Chambers that mean so much to me:
"When you yield to something, you will soon realize the tremendous control it has over you. Even though you say, 'Oh, I can give up that habit whenever I like,' you will know you can't. You will find that the habit absolutely dominates you because you willingly yielded to it. It is easy to sing, 'He will break every fetter,' while at the same time living a life of obvious slavery to yourself. But yielding to Jesus will break every kind of slavery in a person's life."

"He will deliver you from yourself."

Praise God who can work through all my issues and baggage and deliver me from them. In Him I am made clean, righteous, whole, and new.