Seriously??

I don't usually like to complain about assignments we have to do for school, but when I'm up late trying to answer essay questions such as the following:

Jost and his colleagues have reported that politically conservative people are relatively uncertain, closed minded, and intolerant of ambiguity and change. From this it follows that conservatives would oppose universal health care, because it represents a change. Imagine that you have been elected the next president and you want to introduce universal health care. Using the knowledge you gained in the course, explain how you would convince conservatives of the virtues of universal health care.

I have to wonder...is this assignment for real??

It's all part of the job...

It feels really stinky when a student emails you freaking out because his grade is teetering between an A and a B, and you have to inform him that he misread the syllabus and that his grade actually is teetering between a B and a C.

Alone ... The word is life

endured and known.

It is the stillness where our

spirits walk

And all but inmost faith is

overthrown.

~Siegfried Sassoon

Those were the days...

Count down to finals begin, and I'm being a good girl and turning down all my social invites this weekend to study.

I ran across these pictures today, both of them with some of my best friends. Ah, those were the days...

Acceptance

"He said, 'I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, 'I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, 'I will withraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, 'I will submit; I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, 'I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to His son explain.'
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace."

~Amy Carmichael

I know I'm compulsively posting now, but I went to bed around 9 only to wake up at 11:30pm. Oh the joys of insomnia. I'm drinking warmed milk with cinnamon hoping it will help. If you know any other cures for insomnia, please pass them along!!!

Something's in the air

I think I'm getting sick.

Exhibit A: I all but black out this morning during yoga.
Exhibit B: I voice sounds slightly scratchy.
Exhibit C: I'm so out of it that I asked my advisor to spell an acronym he used.
Exhibit D: I felt ready to crawl into bed by 8 pm.

Not a good time to be getting sick as we're nearing the last week of classes!

Pictures from Thanksgiving:

It's a mental thing...

Let me introduce you to the yogic headstand: salamba sirsana. In Ashtanga yoga, part of the finishing series is to hold salamba sirsana for about 20-25 breaths (pictured below).

Afterward, you would lower your legs and hold salamba sirsana b (below) for another 5-10 breaths, then pull back up into the original pose before coming down.
This move is the bane of my current yogic existance. At first I feared falling backward and breaking my neck. When I finally fell backward a few times, I realized I wouldn't break my neck. However, I almost broke my fingers when my head rolled over my clasped hands. Since that experience, I haven't gotten myself to lower down into Salamba Sirsana B.

Until yesterday. I was in another Yoga class when the instructor gave us 5 minutes to work on any inversion of our choice. I chose to work on the headstand, but this time I pulled my mat a foot away from the wall, giving me no chance to fall backward. I never had to use the wall.

It's a mental block I'm facing. It makes me think of how many things in life I just can't do because of my fear rather than an actual limitation of my abilities. And how does one break through this mental block? I guess I'll start finding out tomorrow morning when I attempt this pose again without the safety of a wall behind me.

A Crisis of Faith

As 2007 is drawing to a close, I've spent much of my Thanksgiving break reflecting on this past year. 2007 was a tough year for me.

I grew up in the church, and my social circle consisted of Christians all my life up till the fall of 2006. That fall, I finally "graduated" from InterVarsity, I switched churches, and almost entirely changed my social network in Ann Arbor. For the first time in my life, my closest friends weren't Christians, and the "Christian thing to do" was no longer the default but rather an actual choice I had to make.

I failed miserably. I never left the church per se, but in a lot of ways I turned by back on what I spent my whole life believing in. I spent 2007 going through what I now recognize to be my first true crisis of faith. It seemed like an endless cycle of poor decisions and regret followed by going through the motions of repentence, then repeating my poor decisions. I vascillated between believing true joy comes from following Christ, and wishing I could throw away my faith entirely. The lament of God in Hosea 6:4 still resonates with me "What can I do with you, Ephraim? What can I do with you, Judah? Your love is like the morning mist, like the early dew that disappears."

M told me over the phone that I had to choose what I believed in and act in accordance to that. It's really convicting when my non-believing friend reiterates to me Truth. I'm finally choosing. It's a slow journey, one that I'm still in the process of, but I can truly say that God is faithful. This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I am receiving the lesson of what it means to choose Christ. I am thankful for trials and tribulations because they force me to recognize who God is, and to examine who I am. In many ways, this year I was stripped of almost everything I placed my identity in. I've been stripped of the pride I take in "being a good Christian." I'm questioning whether I'm really cut out to be a researcher not only in skill but also in motivation and passion. That's scary because my career is the sole reason I moved to Austin. When all is stripped away, I can finally see that all I have to cling onto is Christ. I'm thankful for this year, because David's prayer in Psalm 51:10-12 is that much more meaningful to me:

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

On a less serious note, I had a great Thanksgiving at my friend J's. There were 5 of us who spent no less than 9 hours eating on Turkey day. It was amazing.

Since I finally spent some quality time at home this weekend, I realized how much I hated my room. My walls were bare, and the layout of my room was just depressing and empty. So I spent a few hours today rearranging my room. Here's the end result:

I bought some posters online as well so the walls will get some color. I'm also going to get some candles to line my window.

I haven't taken my camera out all semester, but here's a picture of C and me at Halloween from someone else's camera. C is a first-year in Evolutionary Psychology. As we're both the only first-year girls in our areas, we bonded pretty quickly.

I can't believe my first semester of grad school ends in 2 1/2 weeks!

This is what research psychologists find funny....

I think over Thanksgiving I'll try to revive this blog...

Until then, here's a spoof questionnaire called the Hidden Brain Damage Scale (to measure whether you have hidden brain damage). My advisor and I were giggling over this today... The first 37 items are by D. Wegner, R. Vallacher and C. Gilbert (copyrighted by the American Psychological Association, 1979 in the American Psychologist). Hope that prevents me from getting sued for posting this.

1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
2. I can't unclasp my hands.
3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
6. I often mistake my hands for food.
7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
8. I never liked room temperature.
9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
10. My throat is closer than it seems.
11. I can smell my nose hairs.
12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
16. My patio is covered with a killer frost.
17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
18. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
19. My best friend is a social worker.
20. I've always known when to close my eyes.
21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
22. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
24. I walk this way because I have to.
25. Walls impede my progress.
26. I can't find all my marmots.
27. There's only one thing for me.
28. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
29. I can pet animals by the mouthful.
30. My toes are numbered.
31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
32. People tell me when I'm deaf.
33. My beaver won't go near the water.
34. I can find my ears, but I have to look.
35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
37. I don't like any of my loved ones.
38. I try to get out of bed at least once a day.
39. I have tried to bonsai my dog.
40. When I dance, I have two left thumbs.
41. My plants don't trust me any more.
42. I'm still searching for the perfect pencil.
43. More people know about me than I do.
44. I get sleepy just staying awake.
45. The air is my best friend.
46. My cup does its job TOO WELL.
47. The sight of a fluorescent light makes me nervous.
48. I sent away for the booklet, "How To Become Literate."
49. I couldn't care less about apathy.
50. My hair is conspiring against me.
51. I am on a strict diet of non-biodegradable food.
52. I have more feet than my shoes.

Research Opportunity

Here's a shameless plug for my study:

ENTER A RAFFLE TO WIN $50!! The University of Texas at Austin is inviting you to participate in a Psychology study on identity. We are interested in learning the effects of identity on well-being. At the completion of your participation, you may enter a raffle to win $50. You must be at least 18 years old. Please click here to fill out this survey. Thank you so much for helping us with this important research.

Midterms...

I'm at school so much that I accidentally referred to my office as "home" and my (male) officemate as my roommate at least twice over the past week...

Conviction

Last night I hung out with a new and dear friend who simply exhudes God's presence. I went home, humbled and filled with conviction.

I grew up thinking I knew everything, yet there's such a disconnect between my head and my heart. I have so much to learn, and so far to grow.

Daily Grind

My day starts out at 6:30 AM at my yoga studio. I'm there till about 8:30, go home, and get ready for school. I get to school usually about 9:30-10 AM, and leave around 7 PM. Depending on the day I'll be dropping off the recycling, attending community group, happy hours, Grey's nights, or going home to study more. Around 11, I decompress and have some quiet time, and go to bed at midnight.

I feel that I'm working much harder than I did as an undergrad, but somehow I'm more disciplined, I'm happier, healthier, and less stressed. Today I'm feeling a little more tired than usual, but last week and this week just happen to be tough weeks.

One of the neat things about Austin is its thriving yoga community and excellent teachers. There are three teachers I have "adopted" here in Austin. In terms of yoga lineage, I'm studying under the students of Pattabhi Jois (the founder of Ashtanga Yoga), Shiva Rea (who is considered the Madonna of Yoga), and Rod Stryker. Does that make them my grandparents in yoga? Monday through Thursday mornings I attend a Mysore Ashtanga where I work through the primary series step by step. It's difficult most mornings, but I've found it to be so rewarding. I'm learning to not push myself or beat myself for not yet reaching a certain stage in the series, to be forgiving towards my body and mind. I'm hoping that this lesson on the mat is translating into how I relate to myself and to others in school. I find that I carry a lot of my stress and grief in my left hip, and through releasing those emotions through the sitting series I'm able to get through my day with a clear mind. Most of all, I find myself able to meditate on the things I learn during my quiet times the evening before. The current move I'm working on, bhujapidasana (the end of part b shown above), is really a struggle for me. But I'm learning to draw strength from my core rather than just my arms. The thing about yoga - it really teaches self-love. To do any of these moves you have to trust your body, and when you achieve the move, you love your body all the more for what it just did.

Today I also had lunch at Mellow Mushroom with two of the girls in my community group. Not only was it nice to sit and chat with them, I think we're starting a weekly accountability group!

Routine School Emails

This was in my inbox this morning:

Environmental Health and Safety (EHS) and the Office of the Vice President for Employee and Campus Services (ECS) want to remind you that Austin has a significant bat population, and though they're really cute--bats are considered a high-rabies risk species and should NEVER be touched.

If you find a live or dead bat in a building or a live bat that can not fly outside, please call Environmental Health & Safety's Animal Make Safe program at ###-BATS (####).

don't call me

So out of the blue my phone decided to go kaput today. I ordered a new phone online so I may be cellphone-less until the end of the week or early next week. If I don't answer or return your calls, it's not that I don't like you - give me till next week. Same cell phone number. Peace.

Lessons Learned

School's started and it's been a long week. It's been awhile since I've been in school, so my stress level shot up way high this week and insomnia kicked in again. Truthfully, I've probably been putting in more time than I needed and have been reading about 8-9 hours a day the first week of school.

Last night I stayed in and got 12 much needed hours of sleep. Sleep really does a lot to alleviate stress levels and after some quiet time and reflection today, I've started gaining more perspective on life.

I'm learning that everyone's different and no one can make me feel inferior but myself. Part of the reason that I was forcing myself to work so hard is because otherwise I felt inferior to those who put in more hours. That's very stupid on my part - no one really cares how many hours I put in but myself. As long as I finish what I need to finish, there's no reason to tack on extra unecessary hours. There'll be plenty of opportunity to work late as the semester progresses.

My research is going well - I'm diving into the world of intercultural research, a topic I've never focused on before. As a result, I have to spend a lot of time learning the basics of cross-cultural research. I love it, though, and can't wait to tie into it theories on personality as well as close relationships and self-esteem, which are topics I'm more familiar with.

I finally settled on a church in Austin and have joined a small group. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she asked me if God's grace has been sufficient for me to get through each day. Of course the answer is yes, but it got me thinking about how I've been approaching my life. I've been told in graduate school, you're always supposed to be thinking one year ahead. But the problem for me is that I get to thinking about so much that all of a sudden life becomes overwhelming. I need to learn to take things one day at a time and trust that God will provide enough grace for me to finish each day.

My New Life in Austin

Life moves fast. We had our first day of orientation today. I registered for classes, settled my tuition bill, and started moving into my office at school. Next week is the first week of class and we also start our TA assignments. Yes, Tracy is a TA now. I get to grade and hold office hours for unfortunate Intro Psych students.

The Psych building is about 5 years old. The building is new and spacious. I share an office with one of my cohorts. Next door to us is the office shared by the other 2 first years. There are 4 new students in the Social/Personality area this year among which I'm the only girl. That is pretty much unheard of in the Social Psych area - usually the demographics are female heavy. The 4 of us, I have a feeling, are going to get really close as we pretty much take the exact same classes our first year here.

Because I don't live near a bus line, I have to drive to get to school. The commute is about 5-10 minutes by freeway (which in Austin is considered a stone's throw away). I ended up buying a white 2002 4-door Chevy Cavalier. It's small and gas economical, but the pollution score not up to par. Still, it's nice to own a car without dents or duct tape. It's also a dream to navigate and to park. I have my University of Michigan decal proudly displayed on the rear window.

I live in a cute 2-story condo with 2 other girls I met on Craigslist. NC, the owner of the condo, is a 2nd year Counseling Psych student at UT. Counseling Psych is in the Educational Psych Dept, so we're in different departments, and it amazes me how different her department is from mine although we're both Psych. NC is 28 (I'm guessing) and already has her Master's in Counseling Psych. She's been great at showing me around town and helping me get to know Austin better. JR is 27 and an interior designer. Although we keep our condo very clean and bare, I snuck a peek in JR's room and it's gorgeously decorated. She and I like the same TV shows and sometimes watch reruns of Friends, What Not to Wear, and (cringe) Lifetime movies together. Our condo is in a shadier part of town, but luckily my next door neighbor T looks out for us. She's the type to constantly peer out the window with one hand on the phone to call the police or to warn us if anything is happening. She's already helped me out with finding safer parking and kept me in the know with who's been arrested and which neighbors are fighting with whom. Bless her heart, I think we all need neighbors like T.

I joined a Yoga studio in Austin and have been going daily. The studio is huge with 4 locations spread throughout the city. They offer 350 classes each week taught by instructors well versed in human anatomy and yogic philosophies. I've been finding that having a knowledgeable instructor makes a HUGE difference in my practice.

There is just so much to do in Austin. This weekend I'm going to learn to be a pool shark (my officemate made his gas money to drive down to Austin through playing pool). Saturday there's the annual Hot Sauce Festival as well as something called Flugtag where people build flying contraptions and try to fly them off the bridge. It's going to be a full 5 years ahead of me, I imagine, but I'm really excited about them!

Local Foods

One of my favorite activities over the last week and a half I've been in Austin is to explore the local grocery stores. Here is what I found:

There is no Meijer in Austin; however, there are both Super Targets and Super Walmarts. I haven't been to the Super Target as it's too far away to drive for food, but my parents and I went to Super Walmarts while they were here. The prices are fair and it's nice to get everything in one place, although I feel like the quality of produce is a little lacking. Still, because I'm from Ann Arbor and have been inundated with criticisms of the way Walmart treats its employees, I tend to stay away from that store.

H.E.B. reminds me a lot of Kroger. The store brand products are cheap (like their oats and kitchen supplies) and they also have a selection of whole grain pastas and rice (although whole grain is not as available as it is in the Midwest). The produce was a little disgusting in the store I visited but that may not be true of all the H.E.B. stores. I'll probably mostly shop at H.E.B. for all my non-produce food.

Randalls (yes it has an "s" in its name) is convenient because it's right by my condo. It also reminds me a lot of Kroger. The prices are pretty cheap as well, with the exception of dairy products. The produce here is good - I bought bananas here when I couldn't bring myself to buy the bananas at H.E.B. Still, since yogurt and soy milk are my staples, I can't shop anywhere where prices are over $3 for each product.

Fiesta is huge. It has an overwhelming selection of international foods and produce. I went yesterday and had a lot of fun. The patrons mostly consisted of Mexican Americans - I felt a little out of place shopping there - but I got a lot of food for cheap. There are also open market stands lining the outside of Fiesta selling clothing, accessories - reminds me a little of the outdoor stands in New York. I'll definitely come shop here again.

Lately, I've become more convinced about the benefits of eating local. Between Time Magazine's article on local foods, and a fellow first year in my department expounding on the environmental impact and health benefits of eating local, I'm starting a habit of buying most of my produce from the local Farmer's Market. The prices are a wee bit higher, but I buy so little food each week that I feel it's well worth it. This week, I bought my bread and produce from the Farmer's Market. In the future, I may buy my honey and start preserving my own fruit. It's nice because they only sell what's in season. I've never had okra before, but the stands are teeming with okra right now, so I bought a pound and cooked Smothered Okra. The garlic from the market is harder to peel, but when I cut into the tomatoes, I was amazed by how deep the color was. And the food really is so delicious and fresh.

One of things that surprised me about shopping in Austin was that they don't give you an option of paper or plastic when it comes to bagging up your groceries. Everything is plastic and they use a lot more bags, I feel, than they need. My roommates use the bags at home as trash bags, but between the 3 of us, we have enough already to last us the year. I finally caved and purchased 2 reusable grocery bags online. I figure, if I'm going green, I should start doing it right.

Everything's Bigger in Texas!

In the 8 days that I've lived in Austin, I've made a few observations. I think it's safe to say, "Toto, we're not in Michigan anymore." The saying "Everything's bigger in Texas" is true from what I've seen.

1. State Pride. I really think Texas takes this to another level. Not only do they have a Texas day parade, but when we crossed the state line on our way down here, Texas symbols and icons appeared EVERYTHING. I'm talking billboards, road signs, even bathroom doors of rest areas. Not for 5 minutes have I forgotten I'm in Texas, and there's always something less than 200 yards away to remind me in case I do.

2. The traffic. Austin is not built on a grid. And the freeways do not work the same way as they do in Michigan. Roads rise up on bridges and wind and swirl over and under one another. It's almost futuresque in appearance. Luckily for me, I live at the intersection of three freeways in Austin. I got a hands-on crash course on how to be an aggressive driver.

3. The heat. I was warned, I really was. But Austin is really hot and humid! Unfortunately, my car's A/C is not in the best condition so commuting around town is like sitting in a sauna. I try to make the best of it and remember that a steam sauna has health benefits and promotes weight loss. The sun is stronger too. I'm already 2 shades tanner and my hair is a shade lighter from the sun.

4. The night life and live music. I love Ann Arbor, but Austin puts Ann Arbor's night life to shame. Every other bar has live music and downtown gets so busy that it's routine practice to block off a few of the streets from traffic weekend nights. The Austin City Limits music festival (ACL) is coming to town bringing with it artists like Bob Dylan, Bjork, The Killers, Amy Winehouse, and more. I'm also going to a Tori Amos concert in November with my roommate. How I'm going to afford to do all this? I have no idea.

5. Friendliness of the people. People are really talkative here! I've met my next door neighbor (she's a talker!) and I find myself having conversations at my yoga classes, grocery stores, even Target. People are really easy-going and very interested in getting to know who you are. Sadly, the only place I've been so far where not a single person greeted me was the church I visited last Sunday...

In case you were wondering...

Chris Tomlin did lead worship at church this morning.

Road Trip

Finally (somewhat) settled in Austin! Here are pics of our trip down.
First stop: Kokomo, IN where Richard was born.

My old school:

Richard was excited to find the same VBS program elsewhere:

Richard's birthplace:

Our old apartment:

Our old house:

My dad's old workplace:

Stop 2: My aunt's house near St. Louis, MO

My crazy cousin:

Us in front of her house:

Stop 3: Graceland in Memphis, TN

Elvis' kitchen:

His living room:

Trophy room:

Grave:

Stop 4: Arlington, TX

My first home:

I don't have pics of Fort Worth, TX (my birthplace) and Austin because my camera may have broken. =(

Moving!

In less than 12 hours I will be on the road to Austin...

Music and Lyrics

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song / If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me / Threatening the life it belongs to / And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd / Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud" ~Anna Nalick, Breathe (2 AM)

I've never been particularly talented at expressing myself through words and music. Rewinding back to the last few years of high school and even through the first few years of college, I was so angsty and desperate to let my emotions out that I made a few paltry attempts at song-writing. Looking back, the superficial lyrics and melodies masked a depth that I couldn't seem tap into myself.

I envy those who are in touch with their emotions. I envy those who can put their stories to music. When it's done well, when I hear a particularly personal perfomance, I feel this stirring in my heart.

Maybe one day I'll be able to tap into my life and come up with beautiful music and lyrics. Till then I'll content myself with listening to others.

Current obsessions: Bon Jovi "You Want to (Make a Memory)," Taylor Swift "Teardrops on my Guitar," Kelly Clarkson "Sober."

Home-stretch

I'm looking forward to sleeping when I get to Novi.

Moving really stinks - I'm having a really tough time packing. This week:

• Monday: lunch at Cosi, putt-putt with small group
• Tuesday: lunch at Jerusalem Gardens, babysitting (one last time)
• Wednesday: lunch at Zingerman's Roadhouse
• Thursday: maybe movie at Michigan theater, Backroom Pizza, one last evening of randomness around downtown Ann Arbor and campus
• Friday: goodbye party at work, dinner at Blue Nile
• Saturday: Farmer's Market at 7 AM (!!) finish packing, dinner at Seva, drinks at Rush Street or Bar Louie
• Sunday: move!

Of course with every move, things seem to go wrong. Like I think there may be a dead mouse stuck somewhere in the oven. Or that my rearview mirror fell off and I can't seem to fix it! Or that half of outlets in my house short-circuited this morning and I have to find the circuit board thing.

I'm also trying to finish Harry Potter book seven before I have to return it to my friend tomorrow. I'm on page 200, read between the hours of 11 and 1 AM last night...

Crazilicious Month

My last three weeks in Ann Arbor:

1. Lunch everyday with old friends
2. Training my replacement at work
3. 5 goodbye parties
4. 2 Cedar Point trips
5. 2 yoga classes a week with this amazing instructor
6. 2 birthdays
7. 1 day at Art Fair
8. 1 final babysitting gig for my surrogate nephew

scenes from my vacation

Vacation

This is where I'll be all next week. =)

Yogic Meditations

Yesterday, we ended our yoga practice meditating on how to love and accept ourselves as well as people who have wronged us. We practiced the act of forgiveness. The instructor told the class that the meditation might not seem real at first, that we may not feel the emotion of forgiving, but we must commit to going through the motions and hope that grace will allow our emotions to catch up with the motions.

Sound familiar? I remember being taught this in Sunday school about not only forgiveness, but prayer and worship. If yogis can practice this without the Spirit of God, I can definitely commit to obedient acts of prayer and worship toward God and trust that God will grant me the grace of allowing my emotions and feelings to catch up with my actions.

We ended with a mantra spoken toward someone who had wronged us:
May you be safe and protected
May you be free from suffering
May you be healthy and strong
May you be able to live in this world happily, peacefully and with joy

I didn't like this mantra so I found myself repeating instead:

May God keep you safe and protected
May He carry you through suffering
May He keep you healthy and strong
May God grant you His happiness, His peace and His joy

poor cat, poor me

Fat cat got an infection from a horrid spider bite so I took her to the animal ER. Poor thing was shaking from getting her blood drawn and from the trauma of the whole visit. We got back around midnight and I decided to let her share my bed as a pity gift. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep a wink last night as she thought it was a great idea to keep stepping on me to cross sides of the bed.

shame

after yesterday's sermon, i realize i live with a constant feeling of shame. i wonder how much of it is from never really dealing with my cultural identity crisis.

My Summer Thus Far

Well, technically isn't summer yet, but it's been warm and sunny.

I leave Ann Arbor in less than 2 months, yet I'm so excited for the 2 months to come. We started interviewing for my replacement at work this week, making my move seem more real. I've been up to a lot of nothing it seems. I'm taking full advantage of my library card and have been reading and watching DVDs like mad. I've also been baby-sitting a lot since sadly, I won't get to witness little Bubs growing up after my move.

Things I'm looking forward to:

• Sunning by the pool this weekend
• Cedar Point
• The annual Kiss My Vacation - this year at Hocking Hills
• Company picnic at the Tiger's game
• Road trip to Austin

Things I've yet to plan:

• Meals at: Jerusalem Garden, Zingerman's Roadhouse, Blue Nile
• Karaoke
• Trip to the beach

It'll be a good summer. =)

My Surrogate Nephew

Much Needed Rest

I sprained my ankle running to third during softball last night. Now I'm on crutches for the weekend. It's probably a sign that I've been over-working and over-exercising when I'm relieved at the thought of being off my feet for a few days, although I'm bummed this may interfere with small group putt-putt and Memorial Day BBQ activities.

The Beginnings of Goodbyes

Goodbyes for 2007 have officially begun. 2 of my friends are moving this weekend. One of them has become a dear friend over the last year. I met Katie through M and we immediately clicked. I probably laugh more with her than anyone else. She's moving to Berkeley for her PhD and I wonder if we'll keep in touch. Neither of us are good at it, and both have tendencies to embrace new lives and forget old friends.

So tonight we're going out for sushi and drinks then I start saying goodbye to friends for the next 2 1/2 months. =(

Me and K at Frankenmuth:

Neither pop nor soda

In the Midwest it's called pop. The East Coast christened it soda. I've taken to using pop and soda interchangeably in case I ever move out of the Midwest.

This weekend in Austin I decided to treat myself to a Diet Pepsi (I gave up caffeine). I asked for a pop. Blank stare. I asked for a soda. Blank stare again. I hesitantly ordered a coke. "What kind?" was the answer I received.

On another note, my car Vinnie who I've started calling "Old Faithful," was not this morning. Apparently after being faithful for the last 4 years, the battery and alternator chose to die overnight. Half a missed day of work later, I rued the fact that I had to plunk down a few Franklin's for a car I'll only be driving for 2 1/2 more months.

Jackpot

I absolutely love Austin.

It was a little rough getting in with storms and delays, but today was sunny and the temperature was in the 80s. I rented a little white Hyundai Accent and blasted country music as I drove around town.

It's been a productive day. I'm pretty sure I found a place to live. I also met with my advisor and have some ideas for the fall. I chatted with some grad students that I met during my interview here and found out that basically all the apartments I was looking at were in very dangerous areas of Austin (think guns and prostitutes) - hence the cheap prices. So I think I'll stick with the 2 roommates in the condominum where mommies stroll around their babies at night. I'll drive by this evening just to make sure the area is safe on a Friday night.

So since that eliminated most of the apartments I was going to look at today (I'm still looking at 3 tomorrow - just in case), I drove around and got to know the roads better - to the point where I can get to some places without a map. Oh, did I mention I learned to read a map for this trip? I did a drop-in class at a Yoga studio I found online and absolutely LOVED it. It is so much better than the studio I attend in Ann Arbor. Definitely thinking about joining in the fall.

I also spent some time looking up churches online. I found Austin Stone Church off the UT Intervarsity website, and liked what I saw. It's a mobile church with solid values and doctrine and a plethora of community groups focused on post-undergrad young adults both single and married. There's also a strong focus on theological training as well as missions and church-planting. I learned all this before I found out that the worship leader was CHRIS TOMLIN. Of course I still have to check the church out, and having someone so well-known could have its drawbacks, but I feel like I just hit jackpot.

Austin Weekend

I've been at my job for 2 full years as of today. Time flies.

Going to Austin this weekend to look for housing. The trip is slowly coming together. I get into town on Thursday night. Friday I'm looking at possibly 5 places and having lunch with my advisor. That evening, I may catch a yoga class at a local studio, watch the rerun of Grey's Anatomy, and then I'll relax like I'm on vacation. Saturday I've got appointments set up with 3 apartments (and may add more if I don't like any I see on Friday), then I'm catching my flight back to Ann Arbor that afternoon.

I'm very thankful for my AAA membership as they threw me a bunch of maps and a tourguide yesterday free of charge.

Weather there is supposed to be 80 degrees with isolated t-storms. I was hoping for a little more sun.

Last night...

those of us in small group were coming from different places. Some of us were grieving over a loss of a friend/acquaintance. Some of us were happy and hyper. Some of us were stressed over school. And some of us were just having a bad day. But from our different places, we were able to come together to worship. It was beautiful.

*****

In light of recent events, I've been thinking about how important it is to be vulnerable and open up to my friends. When I get frustrated, I have a tendency toward self-pity and think the world doesn't understand me. But I'm finding as I open up more that although my friends don't always understand exactly where I'm coming from, they love me enough to try to understand and they accept me with no strings attached. I love my friends.

Fun in the Sun

I spent the last 2 days outside and I am sore and my back is completely sunburned. It was well worth it. I had a delightful afternoon yesterday with my small group. We had a picnic in the park and played ultimate and other outdoor activities. I mowed the lawn for the first time as well.

Saturday night my friend M went out dancing for the first time since she had her baby. We've hung out plenty since she got pregnant, but hanging out usually consists of making food and watching a movie at home. The few outings we've had included walks in her neighborhood and venturing to the mall, all with baby in tow. Saturday the girls and I went to Live at PJs sans baby. Halfway through the night I glanced at M and her face positively glowed. It made me happy.

...still snowing...

It's mid-April and still snowing. That's Michigan for you.

I went home for Easter and uncovered a lot of old CDs I used to listen to in high school. You remember the good old days of MWS, Amy Grant, Jars of Clay? Since my musical taste has changed drastically since middle school/high school, I decided to go through all my old CDs again. I'm currently listening to Sixpence None The Richer (their self-titled album) and am surprised by how much I still like them.

I'm still sleepy. So sleepy I slept through my alarm till 8:45 AM and was late for work again. I went to kick-boxing class for the first time yesterday and was really close to blacking out by the end of it. That's what I get for eating dinner one hour before kick-boxing. I guess I'm in shape in terms of Yoga-like sports, but am doing bad in the cardio department. I'll try again next week - but eat a bigger lunch and hold off on dinner until after the class. I've got my first softball practice tonight for the church team (Knox Sox?!?) and then am keeping off my feet tomorrow. My arm is still swollen although it's a little better today than it was yesterday.

M's baby finally learned to smile and coo at me. He took awhile to start doing that since I'm the only Asian face he ever sees. I got so excited I spun him around violently in circles. He cooed more before emptying the entire contents of his dinner on me. I guess I deserve that after pointing and laughing at his parents when he'd spit up or pee on them over the last 4 months.

Tetanus Shot

I got a tetanus booster Monday afternoon and it really hurt. Today I woke up and my right shoulder is twice the size of my left shoulder. I iced it with a cold can of Pepsi at work and received strange looks from my colleagues.

I read that redness and swelling is normal after the vaccine and should only last 1-2 days. Other side-effects that accompany the vaccine include slight temperature, headaches, and extreme fatigue, all of which I'm experiencing. I struggled through Yoga last night before deciding to treat myself to a 50 cent movie at the dollar theater. I almost fell asleep during the movie. (I watched The Queen - it was pretty good!) I got home around 10ish and instead of reading as I often do before bed, I collapsed into bed and fell asleep. I still managed to sleep in this morning. I wish I could sleep it off for a day, but I'm out of sick days till May.

Hopefully I'll be more up and at 'em within a few days.

On another note, I may be heading to Austin one of the first few weekends in May to look at housing. I've got a couple good leads (including living with a girl who's getting a PhD in Counseling Psych) and am excited to check them out. Anyone interested in coming with?

Housing in Texas

I'm not much of a procrastinator, but I've been putting off looking for housing in Texas. As this is completely out of character for me to put off planning ahead, I asked my friend J why I was procrastinating. She responded that it's because looking for housing makes the move seem real and this does two things: it moves my future life forward although I physically can't move forward for another 4 months and it makes more salient the fact that I'm moving across the country...by myself.

Today, I started looking for housing in Texas. Despite all my claims of wanting to live by myself during grad school, I emailed my future colleagues to see if any of them were looking for housemates. I don't expect to hear back that soon, and in the meantime I made some calls to cheaper apartment complexes around the campus to inquire about their singles (I'm to call back in June). But I find myself checking my email every 5 minutes hoping that the current grad students have opening in their apartments. To my surprise, I much rather live with others than live alone. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy and I've romanticized what it would be like to have roommates again. Maybe it's because I'm currently writing a paper on the fear of loneliness. Maybe I'm realizing that money is scarce during grad school and I really should live with others to save on utilities and the likes.

I really hope I hear back from them soon.

Little Victories

I've been getting into fights with the cat every morning. This cat is, as Josh from my small group describes, a long-haired cuddle-whore. A long-haired aggressive cuddle-whore. Not kidding you. I walk out from the bathroom and it rolls belly-up, begging for attention. If I ignore it, it whimpers nonstop all morning, jumps on the dining room table and sits on any magazine or books I happen to be reading. Even if I move the reading material around on the table, it follows it around and plops back down. When I'm scooping food into the food dish, it'll try to nuzzle my arm, knocking food out of the scooper every time. And it's a purring machine. If I'm not careful to shut it out of the bedroom every night, it wakes me up with the purring at 4, then 5 AM - if the purring doesn't do it, it'll simply sit on my face. I hate it when it rubs my legs while I'm wearing yoga pants because the pants are like lint magnets. The cat clearly knows my feelings about its hair and my pants, but 2 days ago it still ran figure eights around my legs like it was on steroids. I wake up dreading the cat some mornings.

But I woke up this morning and felt more myself than I have since...maybe July?

I realize there are a lot of things I can complain about lately, but one of the things I'm going to try to is to really take hold of the little victories in my life and see them as blessings and gifts.

Like although the darned cat is a cuddle-whore, I don't have to go home to an empty house. Or like yesterday, my stylist was running late at the Aveda Institute, so they moved me to the actual Douglas J. salon to get my hair cut by a real stylist at the Institute price. Or that I lost my wallet and my phone, and they were both recovered quickly. Or that I was running late to work this morning but managed to snag the last parking spot in the parking structure that was covered, so I don't have to worry about de-icing my car after work. Or that I've been craving a Christian community and not only is my small group awesome, I've been invited to join the church softball team this week. Or that a stray copy of Marie Claire (fashion magazines are one of my guilty pleasures) ended up in my mail.

Little things add up. And I'm determined to take hold of all the little victories in my life and appreciate them at their fullest from here on out.

Isn't it amazing how one conversation can make you feel so insignificant?

Away from it all

To save money, I opted not to have Internet or television at my house over the summer, and let me tell you, it's glorious!

I figure, I'm in front of the computer 8 hours a day during the workweek, and I can always hop in the car and head to a coffee shop if I'm desperate for Internet. If I'm desperate to watch TV, I can pop in a DVD into my laptop or go to friends' houses. So far I've been okay, granted it's been less than a week and I haven't spent a weekend at home yet. Also, I've been home very little this week.

It's nice to go home and just have silence. I think at my old apartment I got into the habit of turning on the television as soon as I got home for background noise. Now, I go home to complete silence. Just from this week, I found my concentration has improved and I'm sleeping a bit more soundly.

I could get used to this.

Withdrawal

I caught an episode of Martha Stewart where the guest star emphasized that any kind of carbonated soft drink causes women's bones to brittle. That, and along with the warnings about aspartame, I thought it would be a good idea to give up soft drinks for good.

At this point I'm not addicted to caffeine, but I miss the taste. Believe it or not, I'm craving a diet, caffeine free soda. Resist, Tracy, resist.

House-Sitting

It's strange to be in a house that's not my own.

But I'm starting to like it. At first it was a bit big for me and empty, but when I got ready for bed, the 2 cats snuggled up next to me and I no longer felt alone.

The house is strangely decorated and although there are window treatments, the windows don't have curtains that close or blinds. As I was getting ready for bed, I kept thinking of the Drew Barrymore scene in Scream and got pretty freaked out. Luckily, the house isn't in the middle of nowhere, but since I'm off a major road, I have no neighbors facing me, making it seem like the house looks out into a dark abyss at night. Also, since I'm used to my apartment complex turning up the heat to 80 degrees year round, it was shocking to wake up to a 65 degree house this morning. Even more shocking is the fog-horn-sounding alarm on the alarm clock. I got up probably an hour earlier than I have the last 2 months and rolled into work before my superviser this morning. I'm carefully conserving water and heat at the new house, not only because of watching the documentary An Inconvenient Truth, but also because the owners of the house are paying for my utilities. The drawback? I don't have Internet at the home anymore.

This week is the last of my busy weeks for awhile, I hope. Goal for the week is to schedule my medical appointments, clean my old apartment and turn in the keys, and finish unpacking at the new house.

Goodbye Apartment

My apartment has no furniture. It's strange that it can have no furniture and still feel like home. Tonight I sleep on a mattress in an empty bedroom and tomorrow I move into a 2 bedroom house that I will house-sit till the end of July.

My parents made fun of how nostalgic I'm getting but it's the longest I've ever lived anywhere in Ann Arbor. 13 months - not that long at all. But the only space I've had longer is my cubicle at work. That, and the LSA Student Government office, but I was only there 2-3 days a week.

Goodbye first home, goodbye.

Updates

Finalize decision on grad school and all relevant paperwork
Pack up my apartment, clean it, and putty up the walls
Take pictures of and sell my furniture on Craigslist
Sort through all my clothes, books and CDs and donate extra stuff
Change my addresses on my bills/credit cards and forward my mail
Cancel my utilities
Get a blue parking pass from the University for April through end of July
Turn 23 ;)

I had a good birthday. Friday night after work we went to the Firefly Club for some Dixieland Jazz followed by a gathering at the Heidelberg. Played photohunt and darts. Good times. Sunday I got my free lunch at Cottage Inn, then went to South U to get free Bubble Tea and Stucchi's ice cream. My parents took me out to dinner at a new Taiwanese restaurant (I think it's called Asian Legend by Thompson and William). I finished off the evening with watching "The Lives of Others" (won the Oscar for best foreign film - it was a great movie!) and getting more free Stucchi's on State Street. Oh yes, and my small group made me "cwaffles" which is cake batter cooked in a wafflemaker and served with frosting.

I got some pretty silver jewelry from my girls as well as some birthday money that I used to buy some yoga clothes (I've been using the same outfit I've had since freshman year of college) as well as some rock climbing gear so I don't have to keep renting that stuff. Also, I got enough cashback from my Discover card to double my rewards and will use it to buy myself a watch. The Limited sent me some birthday gift cards along with Express, and I used those to buy myself a pair of jeans (I finally wore down my last pair) and sunglasses (I lost my last pair in Chicago). I like being practical about my gifts!

I think I'm officially done with the "keep positive" part of the move and am just cranky now. Part of it I bet is because I haven't had time to cook so I'm eating junk all the time. Last night for dinner, I ate a piece of cheesecake, some ice cream, and half a bag of pretzels. Needless to say, I woke up feeling awful today. I did cook lunch/dinner to last me 2 days so hopefully eating better will help.

It's crazy to think that my apartment will be empty by Sunday. From the looks of things, it'll be a miracle if I can see the carpet again!

Southern Girl at Heart

It's been decided. Unless something goes horribly wrong, I'm moving to Texas in August!!! I admit I visited Austin thinking that it was just going to be a fun visit, but I ended up falling in love with the program there. =) I love the laid-back atmosphere, the colors of the buildings, the live music, the 300 days of sunshine. Texas is my birthstate - and now I can finally call myself a true Texan. I'm no less than estatic. =)

It's SUNNY in Ann Arbor! I think this is my favorite time of year in Michigan. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the weather is (relatively) warm. I love how when I visited North Carolina or Texas, people had winter coats on if it was 65 degrees out. It's only 40 degrees out in Michigan, and people have on their shorts and t-shirts tanning in the sun!

Now that my grad school decision is out of the way, it's time to concentrate on the here and now. I've sold my loveseat and kitchen cart. I still have to sell my sofa as well as a few pieces of furniture I have yet to post on Craigslist. Life's been busy with work, trying to wrap up the Psych data I collected last semester, keeping up with my hobbies (yoga, pilates, rock-climbing) and hanging out with friends and family as much as possible before I leave Ann Arbor in 4 months. I admit I'm a bit tired of being in this transitional phase in life, but I'm trying to enjoy every moment of it.

I shall leave you with a few pictures of my future home:

March Goals

I'm so sleepy!! I just feel lke there's so much to do and I still haven't recovered from traveling (and making life decisions). I hear of people traveling at least 200 days out of the year - I don't know how they do it! Maybe I'm just weak. =)

Anyway, there's a lot to do this coming month. I think I'm going to be like Lisa and make a list:

1. Finalize decision on grad school and all relevant paperwork
2. Pack up my apartment, clean it, and putty up the walls
3. Take pictures of and sell my furniture on Craigslist
4. Sort through all my clothes, books and CDs and donate extra stuff to Salvation Army (Actually with all my stuff, it may not be a bad idea to try selling them at a yard sale this summer)
5. Change my addresses on my bills/credit cards and forward my mail
6. Cancel my utilities
7. Get a blue parking pass from the University for April through end of July
8. Turn 23 ;)

And looking ahead to April:

1. Clean my car, get the engine checked, oil changed, windshield replaced
2. Price my car and sell it
3. Learn to drive a stick
4. Buy a used car (5 speed manual, I've decided)
5. Get my hair cut
6. Draft a job posting to find a replacement for me at work

Through all this, God's been providing for me in awesome ways:

1. Already I've had 2 people who've expressed interest in buying my car, duct tape and all
2. I found a place to stay for the summer - I'll be house-sitting from March 25 to July 30 and paying next to nothing in rent
3. Financially things have been tight since I haven't been reimbursed for any of my trips. Amazingly, I checked my bank account today and I'm still in the black without the reimbursements!
4. I also am getting an upgrade on my laptop for free! (even though I really don't need one, but it's a blessing nonetheless since my current laptop will probably last me only 3-4 more years whereas grad school is a 5-6 year program).
5. I also have an amazing small group who are continuously praying for me and lending me their ear about decisions and where to go (half of them are in grad school already)

I've been faithfully using my Franklin Covey planner since freshman year of college, but am contemplating a switch to an electronic PDA. For those of you who keep busy schedules or are in school, have you found the Palm to be more effective than a paper planner? I'm thinking of switching to a) save money (I wouldn't have to buy refills year after year), and b) improve mobility (my paper planner won't fit into my purse). Any suggestions?

Done with Traveling!!

I got back yesterday from the last of my school visits. I had some great interviews, 1 horrid one, but thankfully things ended on a high note.

It's really neat to visit different regions of the country knowing that I have the choice of moving there this fall. I'm really glad I ended up going to all the places I was invited to - my last visit was a trip I almost canceled because I was so tired of traveling, and it (surprise, surprise!) turned out to be the most fun visit of all!!

But now the decision-making begins. I think I've narrowed it down to two.

Black Thumb?

I bought an easy-maintenance fern when I moved into my apartment last February. By November it was dead. In August, as a wedding favor, I received a small bamboo plant. I managed to keep it alive till Christmas. Both very easy plants to take care of, both dead within months.

To console me, my friend Marta gave me a small pot of what she claims to be the unkillable plant in January. I made sure it had plenty of sunshine and just the right amount of water. To my chagrin, I came home yesterday to find that it, too, had died at a record speed of 1 1/2 months.

Self and Identity

*warning: long Psychological post. This is the stuff I think about at least 13 out of the 17 hours I'm awake on a given day*

I've been thinking a lot about identity and the self these days, partly because that's one of the main lines of research I'm interested in, and partly because lately I've been reading a lot of journal articles and conversing with a lot of researchers about the self.

It is widely accepted in Psychology research that we, as humans, construe our identity from our social relationships and interactions. This mechanism comes in handy as experiences and research reveal that often our self-evaluations can be grossly inaccurate depending on different factors. So instead we turn to "objective" things to confirm our own evaluations such as success in performance or others' evaluations. We then adjust our self-evaluation accordingly to the feedback we receive. This mechanism, albeit helpful at times, can go awry.

As I was working on my research relating basing self-esteem on romantic relationships to body shame, I came across an interesting tidbit: men and women often overestimate how much the opposite sex is looking for thinner women or more muscular men (Lamb et al., 1993; Rozin & Fallon, 1988; Pope et al, 2000). Part of the reason body shame and symptoms of disordered eating may be so prevalent for women who urgently desire romantic relationships is that women try to conform their body to attract men based on assumptions about men's standards rather than actual feedback they get from men.

This got me thinking: how often we do or say things to please others based on assumptions about their reactions rather than their actual reactions? And do we let our assumptions lead us to distrust reactions that are contrary to what we expect? And how often do we change our own evaluations to conform to what we assume others are thinking or feeling rather than what they actually express to us? Basically, do we construe our identity based on false assumptions??

To illustrate this, I will share with you a story from my life. I have a hard time inviting long-distance friends to my church. Not the church I've been going to in particular, but any church that I've attended in the past. But let's take my church now as an example. I love, love, love the teaching at my church, and I love that my pastor is a vivid storyteller. I also love the order of worship at my church and all its components including the liturgy. But when I invite a friend to my church, I'm suddenly edgy and critical of everything. Is the musical that good? (darn, I feel this week the music is a little off) Is the preaching organized? (maybe the talk is less organized and theologically based this week) Is the service too long and serious? (why, oh, why is the liturgical portion so dry this week) Is my pastor too comical when he preaches? In short, all the things I love become the things I hate just because I fear my friend won't like it. And even if they say they enjoyed the service, I'm doubtful, because I was not able to enjoy the service myself. In fact, I start questioning whether I can pick a good church or not. In retrospect I wish I had enough confidence to trust that others will see what I see.

Can we get to the point of having enough confidence in ourselves to trust others will see what we see? Or are we going to keep reacting to our assumptions of what people think? As for a long answer, or an answer that can be published in a Psych journal, I have none at this time. Short answer, though, is if we base our identity in Christ alone, if we seek perfecting ourselves while accepting His grace, if we trust the feedback we're given and accept our shortcomings as human, we can get to that point. Okay, I admit this is a cop-out ending to a long post. More to come on this topic, I promise.

Addiction

I cannot stop listening to this video. I have it on eternal repeat while I'm at work. It's not super well sung since she's singing at her good friend's memorial and trying too hard not to cry, but the song is just so beautiful!

Loss and Relationships

A few weeks ago I ran into an old boyfriend on my way home from work. We had broken up 13 months earlier after a close friendship followed by a short, volatile relationship. The break-up was messy and hurtful due to his inability to communicate and my inability to let go. Scarring words were exchanged through the whole ordeal, cutting deep to the core. The break-up changed who I was as a person, and I spent months wondering if I would ever recover from it.

Yet I did recover. And so did he. And when we ran into each other we were able to carry on a genial conversation. No false promises were made to meet up for coffee sometime, no phone numbers were exchanged. We stayed true to ourselves, and I knew that I had finally gotten over my anger and shame. After everything that happened, I can think of him as a decent person, and see him for who he is: someone with a good heart and good intentions, but nevertheless human. I left the encounter with a smile on my face.

Time really does heal a broken heart, I know that well. 13 months later, I'm again dealing with the aftermaths of a failed relationship. And as today we are going through the obligatory ritual of returning paraphernalia, I've started thinking about what it is that is so hard for me to let go of in relationships.

This break-up was different. Incompatibility was the biggest issue. We were two people that had fun together, but were headed in two different directions. And as this was apparent to me, along with the knowledge that hearts heal, I was able to quickly mourn the loss of the relationship itself and move on. What I find hard to let go of, however, is the loss of all the investment and emotion I poured into the relationship. As Carrie from Sex and the City asks in one episode, at the end of a relationship, where does the love go?

When you're in a relationship, that person becomes one of the most important people in your life. You think about him constantly, can't wait to share with him about your day, and he's the first to come to mind when you want to share a funny story or a profound idea. You invest your time in that person, spending it with him, calling him, emailing him. Yet when a relationship ends, poof, that person disappears. Where does all that emotional investment go? How can one person go from being so important to you to being nonexistent in your immediate life?

Unlike the law of conservation of mass, emotional investment is created when a relationship is built, and it becomes a memory when the relationship ends. And sometimes after recovery from a relationship, the memories become so fuzzy that they fade from your life completely. It's tough to accept this, that you've given a piece of your heart and have nothing to show for it.

There are lessons to be learned at the end of every relationship, but with each relationship I'm beginning to question whether the lesson was worth the experience. I'm still an optimist when it comes to relationships, but I'm learning to be more careful. After all, the heart does heal, but the emotional investment you will never get back.

Hair Dye

I've always wanted to be one of those girls who could change their hair color to whatever they want and still have it look natural. Being Asian, I can't exactly go from having black hair to red hair to blonde, then dark brown and look good each time.

Still, I make do with what I have. I usually go darker - auburn or mahogany with red tints. I've been dying my hair since I was 17 so I actually don't know what my natural hair color is anymore. Recently, I dyed my hair jet black, hoping it's closer to my natural hair color. This morning I found roots.

My hair is naturally brown, not black. Does that classify me as a brunette?

You've Got to be Kidding Me!!

It is 1 degree Fahrenheit outside - negative 13 degrees with windchill. According to Fox News Detroit, it could get as cold as negative 23 degrees with the wind today. All public schools are closed today! Even Novi public schools, my alma mater, is closed today, which is saying a lot (we were always the last school in the state, it seemed, to have a snow day). Lucky for them, since Fox news did this whole segment on how the cold impairs you, both mentally and physically.

For those of us who take public transportation to work, it was a bitter and literally painful commute today. By the time I got to work, I could no longer feel my legs. Thank goodness this is my last Michigan winter for at least the next 5 years!!

Dream within a Dream

or is it "dweam wiffin a dweam"...

I had one of those naps where I kept dreaming that people were walking in and out of my bedroom... I also kept waking up and falling back asleep and dreaming...during my dream. I think my phone rang 3 times in the dream (turns out it only rang twice) and my alarm kept going off. Pretty restless, I'd say, for a 20 minute nap.

On another note, I thought I'd like to take a moment and acknowledge to taitcha that I owe him a letter. I just realized that yesterday. Or was it during my nap that I thought of that?

I also owe like 8 people phone calls. You know who you are and I'm sorry for that.

Luckily I only owe 1 email. Turns out I'm better at those. =)

Li'l Shoppe Around the Korner

There's a small Korean/Japanese restaurant right by my bus stop on my way home from work called Seoul Korner. Although I lived close to it, I've never patroned it in all my years of college. I guess I never held a huge interest in Korean or Japanese food, well not until I started watching Asian TV dramas. I've had a habit of missing the bus lately and having to wait the extra 15 or 20 minutes for the next bus, giving me more time to observe this restaurant. The restaurant is never busy; at most 3 tables are occupied, usually by a single person with his or her newspaper or by cozy couples gazing out at the snow. Maybe it's my romantic view of life, or maybe it's the effect of freezing in the snow and hungering for a warm dinner after a long day of work, but I would rather like to stop in this restaurant sometime for dinner after work. Maybe with a dear friend, so we can sip udon soup and eat kimchee in the warm restaurant while staring out at the snowy passerbys. That'll just have to be one of the things I do before I leave Ann Arbor.

Timing is Everything

What a bad time in life for my suitcase to finally break after 9 years of faithful service.

Looking forward to the weekend. I'm sleep-deprived and ready to be a bum and stay in!!

Infrequent Update

I've been blogging far too infrequently this year! I feel like I started this New Year's off on the wrong foot, but it's never too late to recover from that. Some random updates from the last 18 days:

• I realized this morning that I can finally donate blood again!! I can't remember which day I got my tattoo last year (was it the 14th or the 21st of January??), but I plan on giving blood as often as I can after the 21st of this month.
• I went in for physical therapy (finally!) and found out that my back is hurting - not because my spine is misaligned again (although the therapist says there's definitely kinks in there), but it's because I basically have no core body strength to hold a decent posture. I've been working out a lot since the new year, but I've been doing more cardio since I absolutely hate lifting weights. So to boost up my core strength, I enrolled in both a pilates class and a weekend Iyengar yoga class. We'll see how I do with that.
• After a 2 year hiatus, I decided to finish watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (I finished all 10 seasons of Friends). Some of my old roomies back during the Pirate House days were obsessed with the show so I watched through season 4 with them. Mel's letting me borrow seasons 5-6 from her to return in July when I next see her, so I've been plowing through them. I just started season 6 and it's getting SCARY!! Well, scary as in cheap blood and gore horror movies, but I'm such a wimp that those give me nightmares. I keep thinking I shouldn't watch anymore, but part of me just wants to finish the entire series because I started it!
• Speaking of nightmares, I'm not one to remember dreams, but I've been having sad dreams every night this year. Not only do I wake up feeling upset, but I think I don't sleep well at night. Anyone know a way to keep from dreaming?
• On a whim, I ordered all six seasons of Sex and the City. Since I picked it up from my leasing office this morning (I had it mailed there so it wouldn't get stolen), it's sitting next to me right now on my work desk. It's the collector's edition and the packaging is soooo pretty. I keep running my hands over the felt pink cover. =) Very rarely do I find a series worth buying (actually this is the first one), and I'm very excited to watch it again!
• New small groups are starting up this Sunday. It was difficult saying goodbye to the old one, but God's just confirmed over and over again that planting a new group is His will. Already 12 people are coming on Sunday and we haven't had a meeting yet!

Okay, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll be updating more frequently!!

Ricotta Shmicotta

I love cottage cheese. In an attempt to be healthy, I decided to try out low-fat ricotta cheese since it's known to be much healthier and more nutritious than cottage cheese. Besides, ricotta cheese just sounds healthier.

I'm not kidding you, it was disgusting.

Then I heard I shouldn't eat it plain; people usually top it with cinnamon or something. So I sprinkled cinnamon on it. Now it's just disgusting with a hint of cinnamon.

I finally gave up and washed down the aftertaste with a couple squirts of whipped cream. Yum!

If You Want Me To
Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan,
I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see
You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to