Little Victories

I've been getting into fights with the cat every morning. This cat is, as Josh from my small group describes, a long-haired cuddle-whore. A long-haired aggressive cuddle-whore. Not kidding you. I walk out from the bathroom and it rolls belly-up, begging for attention. If I ignore it, it whimpers nonstop all morning, jumps on the dining room table and sits on any magazine or books I happen to be reading. Even if I move the reading material around on the table, it follows it around and plops back down. When I'm scooping food into the food dish, it'll try to nuzzle my arm, knocking food out of the scooper every time. And it's a purring machine. If I'm not careful to shut it out of the bedroom every night, it wakes me up with the purring at 4, then 5 AM - if the purring doesn't do it, it'll simply sit on my face. I hate it when it rubs my legs while I'm wearing yoga pants because the pants are like lint magnets. The cat clearly knows my feelings about its hair and my pants, but 2 days ago it still ran figure eights around my legs like it was on steroids. I wake up dreading the cat some mornings.

But I woke up this morning and felt more myself than I have since...maybe July?

I realize there are a lot of things I can complain about lately, but one of the things I'm going to try to is to really take hold of the little victories in my life and see them as blessings and gifts.

Like although the darned cat is a cuddle-whore, I don't have to go home to an empty house. Or like yesterday, my stylist was running late at the Aveda Institute, so they moved me to the actual Douglas J. salon to get my hair cut by a real stylist at the Institute price. Or that I lost my wallet and my phone, and they were both recovered quickly. Or that I was running late to work this morning but managed to snag the last parking spot in the parking structure that was covered, so I don't have to worry about de-icing my car after work. Or that I've been craving a Christian community and not only is my small group awesome, I've been invited to join the church softball team this week. Or that a stray copy of Marie Claire (fashion magazines are one of my guilty pleasures) ended up in my mail.

Little things add up. And I'm determined to take hold of all the little victories in my life and appreciate them at their fullest from here on out.

Isn't it amazing how one conversation can make you feel so insignificant?

Away from it all

To save money, I opted not to have Internet or television at my house over the summer, and let me tell you, it's glorious!

I figure, I'm in front of the computer 8 hours a day during the workweek, and I can always hop in the car and head to a coffee shop if I'm desperate for Internet. If I'm desperate to watch TV, I can pop in a DVD into my laptop or go to friends' houses. So far I've been okay, granted it's been less than a week and I haven't spent a weekend at home yet. Also, I've been home very little this week.

It's nice to go home and just have silence. I think at my old apartment I got into the habit of turning on the television as soon as I got home for background noise. Now, I go home to complete silence. Just from this week, I found my concentration has improved and I'm sleeping a bit more soundly.

I could get used to this.

Withdrawal

I caught an episode of Martha Stewart where the guest star emphasized that any kind of carbonated soft drink causes women's bones to brittle. That, and along with the warnings about aspartame, I thought it would be a good idea to give up soft drinks for good.

At this point I'm not addicted to caffeine, but I miss the taste. Believe it or not, I'm craving a diet, caffeine free soda. Resist, Tracy, resist.

House-Sitting

It's strange to be in a house that's not my own.

But I'm starting to like it. At first it was a bit big for me and empty, but when I got ready for bed, the 2 cats snuggled up next to me and I no longer felt alone.

The house is strangely decorated and although there are window treatments, the windows don't have curtains that close or blinds. As I was getting ready for bed, I kept thinking of the Drew Barrymore scene in Scream and got pretty freaked out. Luckily, the house isn't in the middle of nowhere, but since I'm off a major road, I have no neighbors facing me, making it seem like the house looks out into a dark abyss at night. Also, since I'm used to my apartment complex turning up the heat to 80 degrees year round, it was shocking to wake up to a 65 degree house this morning. Even more shocking is the fog-horn-sounding alarm on the alarm clock. I got up probably an hour earlier than I have the last 2 months and rolled into work before my superviser this morning. I'm carefully conserving water and heat at the new house, not only because of watching the documentary An Inconvenient Truth, but also because the owners of the house are paying for my utilities. The drawback? I don't have Internet at the home anymore.

This week is the last of my busy weeks for awhile, I hope. Goal for the week is to schedule my medical appointments, clean my old apartment and turn in the keys, and finish unpacking at the new house.

Goodbye Apartment

My apartment has no furniture. It's strange that it can have no furniture and still feel like home. Tonight I sleep on a mattress in an empty bedroom and tomorrow I move into a 2 bedroom house that I will house-sit till the end of July.

My parents made fun of how nostalgic I'm getting but it's the longest I've ever lived anywhere in Ann Arbor. 13 months - not that long at all. But the only space I've had longer is my cubicle at work. That, and the LSA Student Government office, but I was only there 2-3 days a week.

Goodbye first home, goodbye.

Updates

Finalize decision on grad school and all relevant paperwork
Pack up my apartment, clean it, and putty up the walls
Take pictures of and sell my furniture on Craigslist
Sort through all my clothes, books and CDs and donate extra stuff
Change my addresses on my bills/credit cards and forward my mail
Cancel my utilities
Get a blue parking pass from the University for April through end of July
Turn 23 ;)

I had a good birthday. Friday night after work we went to the Firefly Club for some Dixieland Jazz followed by a gathering at the Heidelberg. Played photohunt and darts. Good times. Sunday I got my free lunch at Cottage Inn, then went to South U to get free Bubble Tea and Stucchi's ice cream. My parents took me out to dinner at a new Taiwanese restaurant (I think it's called Asian Legend by Thompson and William). I finished off the evening with watching "The Lives of Others" (won the Oscar for best foreign film - it was a great movie!) and getting more free Stucchi's on State Street. Oh yes, and my small group made me "cwaffles" which is cake batter cooked in a wafflemaker and served with frosting.

I got some pretty silver jewelry from my girls as well as some birthday money that I used to buy some yoga clothes (I've been using the same outfit I've had since freshman year of college) as well as some rock climbing gear so I don't have to keep renting that stuff. Also, I got enough cashback from my Discover card to double my rewards and will use it to buy myself a watch. The Limited sent me some birthday gift cards along with Express, and I used those to buy myself a pair of jeans (I finally wore down my last pair) and sunglasses (I lost my last pair in Chicago). I like being practical about my gifts!

I think I'm officially done with the "keep positive" part of the move and am just cranky now. Part of it I bet is because I haven't had time to cook so I'm eating junk all the time. Last night for dinner, I ate a piece of cheesecake, some ice cream, and half a bag of pretzels. Needless to say, I woke up feeling awful today. I did cook lunch/dinner to last me 2 days so hopefully eating better will help.

It's crazy to think that my apartment will be empty by Sunday. From the looks of things, it'll be a miracle if I can see the carpet again!

Southern Girl at Heart

It's been decided. Unless something goes horribly wrong, I'm moving to Texas in August!!! I admit I visited Austin thinking that it was just going to be a fun visit, but I ended up falling in love with the program there. =) I love the laid-back atmosphere, the colors of the buildings, the live music, the 300 days of sunshine. Texas is my birthstate - and now I can finally call myself a true Texan. I'm no less than estatic. =)

It's SUNNY in Ann Arbor! I think this is my favorite time of year in Michigan. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the weather is (relatively) warm. I love how when I visited North Carolina or Texas, people had winter coats on if it was 65 degrees out. It's only 40 degrees out in Michigan, and people have on their shorts and t-shirts tanning in the sun!

Now that my grad school decision is out of the way, it's time to concentrate on the here and now. I've sold my loveseat and kitchen cart. I still have to sell my sofa as well as a few pieces of furniture I have yet to post on Craigslist. Life's been busy with work, trying to wrap up the Psych data I collected last semester, keeping up with my hobbies (yoga, pilates, rock-climbing) and hanging out with friends and family as much as possible before I leave Ann Arbor in 4 months. I admit I'm a bit tired of being in this transitional phase in life, but I'm trying to enjoy every moment of it.

I shall leave you with a few pictures of my future home:

March Goals

I'm so sleepy!! I just feel lke there's so much to do and I still haven't recovered from traveling (and making life decisions). I hear of people traveling at least 200 days out of the year - I don't know how they do it! Maybe I'm just weak. =)

Anyway, there's a lot to do this coming month. I think I'm going to be like Lisa and make a list:

1. Finalize decision on grad school and all relevant paperwork
2. Pack up my apartment, clean it, and putty up the walls
3. Take pictures of and sell my furniture on Craigslist
4. Sort through all my clothes, books and CDs and donate extra stuff to Salvation Army (Actually with all my stuff, it may not be a bad idea to try selling them at a yard sale this summer)
5. Change my addresses on my bills/credit cards and forward my mail
6. Cancel my utilities
7. Get a blue parking pass from the University for April through end of July
8. Turn 23 ;)

And looking ahead to April:

1. Clean my car, get the engine checked, oil changed, windshield replaced
2. Price my car and sell it
3. Learn to drive a stick
4. Buy a used car (5 speed manual, I've decided)
5. Get my hair cut
6. Draft a job posting to find a replacement for me at work

Through all this, God's been providing for me in awesome ways:

1. Already I've had 2 people who've expressed interest in buying my car, duct tape and all
2. I found a place to stay for the summer - I'll be house-sitting from March 25 to July 30 and paying next to nothing in rent
3. Financially things have been tight since I haven't been reimbursed for any of my trips. Amazingly, I checked my bank account today and I'm still in the black without the reimbursements!
4. I also am getting an upgrade on my laptop for free! (even though I really don't need one, but it's a blessing nonetheless since my current laptop will probably last me only 3-4 more years whereas grad school is a 5-6 year program).
5. I also have an amazing small group who are continuously praying for me and lending me their ear about decisions and where to go (half of them are in grad school already)

I've been faithfully using my Franklin Covey planner since freshman year of college, but am contemplating a switch to an electronic PDA. For those of you who keep busy schedules or are in school, have you found the Palm to be more effective than a paper planner? I'm thinking of switching to a) save money (I wouldn't have to buy refills year after year), and b) improve mobility (my paper planner won't fit into my purse). Any suggestions?

Done with Traveling!!

I got back yesterday from the last of my school visits. I had some great interviews, 1 horrid one, but thankfully things ended on a high note.

It's really neat to visit different regions of the country knowing that I have the choice of moving there this fall. I'm really glad I ended up going to all the places I was invited to - my last visit was a trip I almost canceled because I was so tired of traveling, and it (surprise, surprise!) turned out to be the most fun visit of all!!

But now the decision-making begins. I think I've narrowed it down to two.

Black Thumb?

I bought an easy-maintenance fern when I moved into my apartment last February. By November it was dead. In August, as a wedding favor, I received a small bamboo plant. I managed to keep it alive till Christmas. Both very easy plants to take care of, both dead within months.

To console me, my friend Marta gave me a small pot of what she claims to be the unkillable plant in January. I made sure it had plenty of sunshine and just the right amount of water. To my chagrin, I came home yesterday to find that it, too, had died at a record speed of 1 1/2 months.

Self and Identity

*warning: long Psychological post. This is the stuff I think about at least 13 out of the 17 hours I'm awake on a given day*

I've been thinking a lot about identity and the self these days, partly because that's one of the main lines of research I'm interested in, and partly because lately I've been reading a lot of journal articles and conversing with a lot of researchers about the self.

It is widely accepted in Psychology research that we, as humans, construe our identity from our social relationships and interactions. This mechanism comes in handy as experiences and research reveal that often our self-evaluations can be grossly inaccurate depending on different factors. So instead we turn to "objective" things to confirm our own evaluations such as success in performance or others' evaluations. We then adjust our self-evaluation accordingly to the feedback we receive. This mechanism, albeit helpful at times, can go awry.

As I was working on my research relating basing self-esteem on romantic relationships to body shame, I came across an interesting tidbit: men and women often overestimate how much the opposite sex is looking for thinner women or more muscular men (Lamb et al., 1993; Rozin & Fallon, 1988; Pope et al, 2000). Part of the reason body shame and symptoms of disordered eating may be so prevalent for women who urgently desire romantic relationships is that women try to conform their body to attract men based on assumptions about men's standards rather than actual feedback they get from men.

This got me thinking: how often we do or say things to please others based on assumptions about their reactions rather than their actual reactions? And do we let our assumptions lead us to distrust reactions that are contrary to what we expect? And how often do we change our own evaluations to conform to what we assume others are thinking or feeling rather than what they actually express to us? Basically, do we construe our identity based on false assumptions??

To illustrate this, I will share with you a story from my life. I have a hard time inviting long-distance friends to my church. Not the church I've been going to in particular, but any church that I've attended in the past. But let's take my church now as an example. I love, love, love the teaching at my church, and I love that my pastor is a vivid storyteller. I also love the order of worship at my church and all its components including the liturgy. But when I invite a friend to my church, I'm suddenly edgy and critical of everything. Is the musical that good? (darn, I feel this week the music is a little off) Is the preaching organized? (maybe the talk is less organized and theologically based this week) Is the service too long and serious? (why, oh, why is the liturgical portion so dry this week) Is my pastor too comical when he preaches? In short, all the things I love become the things I hate just because I fear my friend won't like it. And even if they say they enjoyed the service, I'm doubtful, because I was not able to enjoy the service myself. In fact, I start questioning whether I can pick a good church or not. In retrospect I wish I had enough confidence to trust that others will see what I see.

Can we get to the point of having enough confidence in ourselves to trust others will see what we see? Or are we going to keep reacting to our assumptions of what people think? As for a long answer, or an answer that can be published in a Psych journal, I have none at this time. Short answer, though, is if we base our identity in Christ alone, if we seek perfecting ourselves while accepting His grace, if we trust the feedback we're given and accept our shortcomings as human, we can get to that point. Okay, I admit this is a cop-out ending to a long post. More to come on this topic, I promise.

Addiction

I cannot stop listening to this video. I have it on eternal repeat while I'm at work. It's not super well sung since she's singing at her good friend's memorial and trying too hard not to cry, but the song is just so beautiful!

Loss and Relationships

A few weeks ago I ran into an old boyfriend on my way home from work. We had broken up 13 months earlier after a close friendship followed by a short, volatile relationship. The break-up was messy and hurtful due to his inability to communicate and my inability to let go. Scarring words were exchanged through the whole ordeal, cutting deep to the core. The break-up changed who I was as a person, and I spent months wondering if I would ever recover from it.

Yet I did recover. And so did he. And when we ran into each other we were able to carry on a genial conversation. No false promises were made to meet up for coffee sometime, no phone numbers were exchanged. We stayed true to ourselves, and I knew that I had finally gotten over my anger and shame. After everything that happened, I can think of him as a decent person, and see him for who he is: someone with a good heart and good intentions, but nevertheless human. I left the encounter with a smile on my face.

Time really does heal a broken heart, I know that well. 13 months later, I'm again dealing with the aftermaths of a failed relationship. And as today we are going through the obligatory ritual of returning paraphernalia, I've started thinking about what it is that is so hard for me to let go of in relationships.

This break-up was different. Incompatibility was the biggest issue. We were two people that had fun together, but were headed in two different directions. And as this was apparent to me, along with the knowledge that hearts heal, I was able to quickly mourn the loss of the relationship itself and move on. What I find hard to let go of, however, is the loss of all the investment and emotion I poured into the relationship. As Carrie from Sex and the City asks in one episode, at the end of a relationship, where does the love go?

When you're in a relationship, that person becomes one of the most important people in your life. You think about him constantly, can't wait to share with him about your day, and he's the first to come to mind when you want to share a funny story or a profound idea. You invest your time in that person, spending it with him, calling him, emailing him. Yet when a relationship ends, poof, that person disappears. Where does all that emotional investment go? How can one person go from being so important to you to being nonexistent in your immediate life?

Unlike the law of conservation of mass, emotional investment is created when a relationship is built, and it becomes a memory when the relationship ends. And sometimes after recovery from a relationship, the memories become so fuzzy that they fade from your life completely. It's tough to accept this, that you've given a piece of your heart and have nothing to show for it.

There are lessons to be learned at the end of every relationship, but with each relationship I'm beginning to question whether the lesson was worth the experience. I'm still an optimist when it comes to relationships, but I'm learning to be more careful. After all, the heart does heal, but the emotional investment you will never get back.

Hair Dye

I've always wanted to be one of those girls who could change their hair color to whatever they want and still have it look natural. Being Asian, I can't exactly go from having black hair to red hair to blonde, then dark brown and look good each time.

Still, I make do with what I have. I usually go darker - auburn or mahogany with red tints. I've been dying my hair since I was 17 so I actually don't know what my natural hair color is anymore. Recently, I dyed my hair jet black, hoping it's closer to my natural hair color. This morning I found roots.

My hair is naturally brown, not black. Does that classify me as a brunette?

You've Got to be Kidding Me!!

It is 1 degree Fahrenheit outside - negative 13 degrees with windchill. According to Fox News Detroit, it could get as cold as negative 23 degrees with the wind today. All public schools are closed today! Even Novi public schools, my alma mater, is closed today, which is saying a lot (we were always the last school in the state, it seemed, to have a snow day). Lucky for them, since Fox news did this whole segment on how the cold impairs you, both mentally and physically.

For those of us who take public transportation to work, it was a bitter and literally painful commute today. By the time I got to work, I could no longer feel my legs. Thank goodness this is my last Michigan winter for at least the next 5 years!!

Dream within a Dream

or is it "dweam wiffin a dweam"...

I had one of those naps where I kept dreaming that people were walking in and out of my bedroom... I also kept waking up and falling back asleep and dreaming...during my dream. I think my phone rang 3 times in the dream (turns out it only rang twice) and my alarm kept going off. Pretty restless, I'd say, for a 20 minute nap.

On another note, I thought I'd like to take a moment and acknowledge to taitcha that I owe him a letter. I just realized that yesterday. Or was it during my nap that I thought of that?

I also owe like 8 people phone calls. You know who you are and I'm sorry for that.

Luckily I only owe 1 email. Turns out I'm better at those. =)

Li'l Shoppe Around the Korner

There's a small Korean/Japanese restaurant right by my bus stop on my way home from work called Seoul Korner. Although I lived close to it, I've never patroned it in all my years of college. I guess I never held a huge interest in Korean or Japanese food, well not until I started watching Asian TV dramas. I've had a habit of missing the bus lately and having to wait the extra 15 or 20 minutes for the next bus, giving me more time to observe this restaurant. The restaurant is never busy; at most 3 tables are occupied, usually by a single person with his or her newspaper or by cozy couples gazing out at the snow. Maybe it's my romantic view of life, or maybe it's the effect of freezing in the snow and hungering for a warm dinner after a long day of work, but I would rather like to stop in this restaurant sometime for dinner after work. Maybe with a dear friend, so we can sip udon soup and eat kimchee in the warm restaurant while staring out at the snowy passerbys. That'll just have to be one of the things I do before I leave Ann Arbor.

Timing is Everything

What a bad time in life for my suitcase to finally break after 9 years of faithful service.

Looking forward to the weekend. I'm sleep-deprived and ready to be a bum and stay in!!

Infrequent Update

I've been blogging far too infrequently this year! I feel like I started this New Year's off on the wrong foot, but it's never too late to recover from that. Some random updates from the last 18 days:

• I realized this morning that I can finally donate blood again!! I can't remember which day I got my tattoo last year (was it the 14th or the 21st of January??), but I plan on giving blood as often as I can after the 21st of this month.
• I went in for physical therapy (finally!) and found out that my back is hurting - not because my spine is misaligned again (although the therapist says there's definitely kinks in there), but it's because I basically have no core body strength to hold a decent posture. I've been working out a lot since the new year, but I've been doing more cardio since I absolutely hate lifting weights. So to boost up my core strength, I enrolled in both a pilates class and a weekend Iyengar yoga class. We'll see how I do with that.
• After a 2 year hiatus, I decided to finish watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (I finished all 10 seasons of Friends). Some of my old roomies back during the Pirate House days were obsessed with the show so I watched through season 4 with them. Mel's letting me borrow seasons 5-6 from her to return in July when I next see her, so I've been plowing through them. I just started season 6 and it's getting SCARY!! Well, scary as in cheap blood and gore horror movies, but I'm such a wimp that those give me nightmares. I keep thinking I shouldn't watch anymore, but part of me just wants to finish the entire series because I started it!
• Speaking of nightmares, I'm not one to remember dreams, but I've been having sad dreams every night this year. Not only do I wake up feeling upset, but I think I don't sleep well at night. Anyone know a way to keep from dreaming?
• On a whim, I ordered all six seasons of Sex and the City. Since I picked it up from my leasing office this morning (I had it mailed there so it wouldn't get stolen), it's sitting next to me right now on my work desk. It's the collector's edition and the packaging is soooo pretty. I keep running my hands over the felt pink cover. =) Very rarely do I find a series worth buying (actually this is the first one), and I'm very excited to watch it again!
• New small groups are starting up this Sunday. It was difficult saying goodbye to the old one, but God's just confirmed over and over again that planting a new group is His will. Already 12 people are coming on Sunday and we haven't had a meeting yet!

Okay, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll be updating more frequently!!