The First of the Changes

Last week I took an hour off of my work day to attend a docent led tour of the photography exhibit at the Harry Ransom center. It was a much needed break from the usual grind and I got to set aside my work hat(s) to just enjoy, well, things that I enjoy in life.

Tomorrow is the last day I'm teaching the Thursday evening Ashtanga class at Castle Hill. In December, I'll be saying to another three classes. Luckily these are not classes I've been teaching long, but the change is still symbolic for me in that it's a sign that I'm finally re-prioritizing my life. I need to focus on school more, and that involves creating larger chunks of time when I can sit down and work. I need to spend my free time resting and restoring my mind, body, and soul, instead of running myself ragged trying to fit all my work in.

So what do I want to do more of in the Spring?
I want to spend more time outside in the sun.
I want to focus more on my own personal yoga practice.
I want to explore the more artistic side of me through music and photography.
I want to get more involved with social justice movements here in Austin.
I want to improve my cooking abilities.

No, don't worry, I won't replace my dropped yoga classes with more obligations and responsibilities. I'm just hoping freeing up my weekday to get schoolwork done while sleeping enough every night will give me more energy to take time off on the weekends and relax with the things I love.

Friday I meet with my adviser about my dissertation - what I'm going to propose and when I'm finally going to propose it. There is only 2 1/2 weeks left of the semester and the days are flying by fast!

PS. I have an inkling for a new direction this blog might take so stay tuned!

For the Love of It

Are you disappointed when you did something amazing but had no audience? Are you doing something for the love of it, or are you simply performing for others? The former cultivates passion and joy, and the latter harbors bitterness and discontent.

Back to the Basics

I've been feeling a ton of unrest and angst lately which has kept me from blogging more than I wish to. I've been carrying around this ache in my stomach everywhere I go -- an ache that is a mixture of dread, shame, guilt, and self-doubt -- in my yoga classes, school activities, even my friendships. In fact, it got so bad that I crawled into bed one Monday and with the exception of a few yoga classes I had to teach, I did not emerge until Friday morning.

Something was terribly wrong. 

We are called to live in freedom. To experience unconditional joy and peace. Yet it was like I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders and I was teetering at the edge of depression without a clue as to why. So I turned to the only place I knew I could find some answers. And I read this passage:

Psalm 142:1-3: "I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way."

I used to trust that God had prepared my way for me, but somehow along the way I lost that trust. I took my circumstances under my own control and began to lose my way. My ego surfaced, and took over everything I did. I operated out of fear rather than love, and began to experience self-condemnation instead of fear. Instead of yoga students, I was seeing numbers that both fattened my wallet and increased my sense of accomplishment. Instead of theoretical knowledge, I was focused on publications and padding my CV. Instead of friendships, I was focused on validation. I lost the love of everything I was doing and instead became a slave to my commitments. 

It's time to go back to the basics.

I'm simplifying. I'm stepping out in faith in my financial situation and dropping half the yoga classes I teach. Furthermore, I'm going to focus on being a yoga student and loving the practice again. I'm also going to cut down the number of research projects I'm running to make time for the few that are important to me. And I'm going to take time each week to do the little things I love: peruse museums, play music, take pictures, and drop by a jazz club. I'm going to rediscover why I love what I do: how yoga can transform lives, and how knowledge can be used to break the bonds of social injustice.

Let's see where this takes me...

So Powerful!