Those were the days...

Count down to finals begin, and I'm being a good girl and turning down all my social invites this weekend to study.

I ran across these pictures today, both of them with some of my best friends. Ah, those were the days...

Acceptance

"He said, 'I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, 'I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavor lieth peace.

He said, 'I will withraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, 'I will submit; I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?'
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, 'I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to His son explain.'
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace."

~Amy Carmichael

I know I'm compulsively posting now, but I went to bed around 9 only to wake up at 11:30pm. Oh the joys of insomnia. I'm drinking warmed milk with cinnamon hoping it will help. If you know any other cures for insomnia, please pass them along!!!

Something's in the air

I think I'm getting sick.

Exhibit A: I all but black out this morning during yoga.
Exhibit B: I voice sounds slightly scratchy.
Exhibit C: I'm so out of it that I asked my advisor to spell an acronym he used.
Exhibit D: I felt ready to crawl into bed by 8 pm.

Not a good time to be getting sick as we're nearing the last week of classes!

Pictures from Thanksgiving:

It's a mental thing...

Let me introduce you to the yogic headstand: salamba sirsana. In Ashtanga yoga, part of the finishing series is to hold salamba sirsana for about 20-25 breaths (pictured below).

Afterward, you would lower your legs and hold salamba sirsana b (below) for another 5-10 breaths, then pull back up into the original pose before coming down.
This move is the bane of my current yogic existance. At first I feared falling backward and breaking my neck. When I finally fell backward a few times, I realized I wouldn't break my neck. However, I almost broke my fingers when my head rolled over my clasped hands. Since that experience, I haven't gotten myself to lower down into Salamba Sirsana B.

Until yesterday. I was in another Yoga class when the instructor gave us 5 minutes to work on any inversion of our choice. I chose to work on the headstand, but this time I pulled my mat a foot away from the wall, giving me no chance to fall backward. I never had to use the wall.

It's a mental block I'm facing. It makes me think of how many things in life I just can't do because of my fear rather than an actual limitation of my abilities. And how does one break through this mental block? I guess I'll start finding out tomorrow morning when I attempt this pose again without the safety of a wall behind me.

A Crisis of Faith

As 2007 is drawing to a close, I've spent much of my Thanksgiving break reflecting on this past year. 2007 was a tough year for me.

I grew up in the church, and my social circle consisted of Christians all my life up till the fall of 2006. That fall, I finally "graduated" from InterVarsity, I switched churches, and almost entirely changed my social network in Ann Arbor. For the first time in my life, my closest friends weren't Christians, and the "Christian thing to do" was no longer the default but rather an actual choice I had to make.

I failed miserably. I never left the church per se, but in a lot of ways I turned by back on what I spent my whole life believing in. I spent 2007 going through what I now recognize to be my first true crisis of faith. It seemed like an endless cycle of poor decisions and regret followed by going through the motions of repentence, then repeating my poor decisions. I vascillated between believing true joy comes from following Christ, and wishing I could throw away my faith entirely. The lament of God in Hosea 6:4 still resonates with me "What can I do with you, Ephraim? What can I do with you, Judah? Your love is like the morning mist, like the early dew that disappears."

M told me over the phone that I had to choose what I believed in and act in accordance to that. It's really convicting when my non-believing friend reiterates to me Truth. I'm finally choosing. It's a slow journey, one that I'm still in the process of, but I can truly say that God is faithful. This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I am receiving the lesson of what it means to choose Christ. I am thankful for trials and tribulations because they force me to recognize who God is, and to examine who I am. In many ways, this year I was stripped of almost everything I placed my identity in. I've been stripped of the pride I take in "being a good Christian." I'm questioning whether I'm really cut out to be a researcher not only in skill but also in motivation and passion. That's scary because my career is the sole reason I moved to Austin. When all is stripped away, I can finally see that all I have to cling onto is Christ. I'm thankful for this year, because David's prayer in Psalm 51:10-12 is that much more meaningful to me:

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me."

On a less serious note, I had a great Thanksgiving at my friend J's. There were 5 of us who spent no less than 9 hours eating on Turkey day. It was amazing.

Since I finally spent some quality time at home this weekend, I realized how much I hated my room. My walls were bare, and the layout of my room was just depressing and empty. So I spent a few hours today rearranging my room. Here's the end result:

I bought some posters online as well so the walls will get some color. I'm also going to get some candles to line my window.

I haven't taken my camera out all semester, but here's a picture of C and me at Halloween from someone else's camera. C is a first-year in Evolutionary Psychology. As we're both the only first-year girls in our areas, we bonded pretty quickly.

I can't believe my first semester of grad school ends in 2 1/2 weeks!

This is what research psychologists find funny....

I think over Thanksgiving I'll try to revive this blog...

Until then, here's a spoof questionnaire called the Hidden Brain Damage Scale (to measure whether you have hidden brain damage). My advisor and I were giggling over this today... The first 37 items are by D. Wegner, R. Vallacher and C. Gilbert (copyrighted by the American Psychological Association, 1979 in the American Psychologist). Hope that prevents me from getting sued for posting this.

1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
2. I can't unclasp my hands.
3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
6. I often mistake my hands for food.
7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
8. I never liked room temperature.
9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
10. My throat is closer than it seems.
11. I can smell my nose hairs.
12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
16. My patio is covered with a killer frost.
17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
18. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
19. My best friend is a social worker.
20. I've always known when to close my eyes.
21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
22. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
24. I walk this way because I have to.
25. Walls impede my progress.
26. I can't find all my marmots.
27. There's only one thing for me.
28. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
29. I can pet animals by the mouthful.
30. My toes are numbered.
31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
32. People tell me when I'm deaf.
33. My beaver won't go near the water.
34. I can find my ears, but I have to look.
35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
37. I don't like any of my loved ones.
38. I try to get out of bed at least once a day.
39. I have tried to bonsai my dog.
40. When I dance, I have two left thumbs.
41. My plants don't trust me any more.
42. I'm still searching for the perfect pencil.
43. More people know about me than I do.
44. I get sleepy just staying awake.
45. The air is my best friend.
46. My cup does its job TOO WELL.
47. The sight of a fluorescent light makes me nervous.
48. I sent away for the booklet, "How To Become Literate."
49. I couldn't care less about apathy.
50. My hair is conspiring against me.
51. I am on a strict diet of non-biodegradable food.
52. I have more feet than my shoes.

Research Opportunity

Here's a shameless plug for my study:

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Midterms...

I'm at school so much that I accidentally referred to my office as "home" and my (male) officemate as my roommate at least twice over the past week...

Conviction

Last night I hung out with a new and dear friend who simply exhudes God's presence. I went home, humbled and filled with conviction.

I grew up thinking I knew everything, yet there's such a disconnect between my head and my heart. I have so much to learn, and so far to grow.

Daily Grind

My day starts out at 6:30 AM at my yoga studio. I'm there till about 8:30, go home, and get ready for school. I get to school usually about 9:30-10 AM, and leave around 7 PM. Depending on the day I'll be dropping off the recycling, attending community group, happy hours, Grey's nights, or going home to study more. Around 11, I decompress and have some quiet time, and go to bed at midnight.

I feel that I'm working much harder than I did as an undergrad, but somehow I'm more disciplined, I'm happier, healthier, and less stressed. Today I'm feeling a little more tired than usual, but last week and this week just happen to be tough weeks.

One of the neat things about Austin is its thriving yoga community and excellent teachers. There are three teachers I have "adopted" here in Austin. In terms of yoga lineage, I'm studying under the students of Pattabhi Jois (the founder of Ashtanga Yoga), Shiva Rea (who is considered the Madonna of Yoga), and Rod Stryker. Does that make them my grandparents in yoga? Monday through Thursday mornings I attend a Mysore Ashtanga where I work through the primary series step by step. It's difficult most mornings, but I've found it to be so rewarding. I'm learning to not push myself or beat myself for not yet reaching a certain stage in the series, to be forgiving towards my body and mind. I'm hoping that this lesson on the mat is translating into how I relate to myself and to others in school. I find that I carry a lot of my stress and grief in my left hip, and through releasing those emotions through the sitting series I'm able to get through my day with a clear mind. Most of all, I find myself able to meditate on the things I learn during my quiet times the evening before. The current move I'm working on, bhujapidasana (the end of part b shown above), is really a struggle for me. But I'm learning to draw strength from my core rather than just my arms. The thing about yoga - it really teaches self-love. To do any of these moves you have to trust your body, and when you achieve the move, you love your body all the more for what it just did.

Today I also had lunch at Mellow Mushroom with two of the girls in my community group. Not only was it nice to sit and chat with them, I think we're starting a weekly accountability group!

Routine School Emails

This was in my inbox this morning:

Environmental Health and Safety (EHS) and the Office of the Vice President for Employee and Campus Services (ECS) want to remind you that Austin has a significant bat population, and though they're really cute--bats are considered a high-rabies risk species and should NEVER be touched.

If you find a live or dead bat in a building or a live bat that can not fly outside, please call Environmental Health & Safety's Animal Make Safe program at ###-BATS (####).

don't call me

So out of the blue my phone decided to go kaput today. I ordered a new phone online so I may be cellphone-less until the end of the week or early next week. If I don't answer or return your calls, it's not that I don't like you - give me till next week. Same cell phone number. Peace.

Lessons Learned

School's started and it's been a long week. It's been awhile since I've been in school, so my stress level shot up way high this week and insomnia kicked in again. Truthfully, I've probably been putting in more time than I needed and have been reading about 8-9 hours a day the first week of school.

Last night I stayed in and got 12 much needed hours of sleep. Sleep really does a lot to alleviate stress levels and after some quiet time and reflection today, I've started gaining more perspective on life.

I'm learning that everyone's different and no one can make me feel inferior but myself. Part of the reason that I was forcing myself to work so hard is because otherwise I felt inferior to those who put in more hours. That's very stupid on my part - no one really cares how many hours I put in but myself. As long as I finish what I need to finish, there's no reason to tack on extra unecessary hours. There'll be plenty of opportunity to work late as the semester progresses.

My research is going well - I'm diving into the world of intercultural research, a topic I've never focused on before. As a result, I have to spend a lot of time learning the basics of cross-cultural research. I love it, though, and can't wait to tie into it theories on personality as well as close relationships and self-esteem, which are topics I'm more familiar with.

I finally settled on a church in Austin and have joined a small group. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she asked me if God's grace has been sufficient for me to get through each day. Of course the answer is yes, but it got me thinking about how I've been approaching my life. I've been told in graduate school, you're always supposed to be thinking one year ahead. But the problem for me is that I get to thinking about so much that all of a sudden life becomes overwhelming. I need to learn to take things one day at a time and trust that God will provide enough grace for me to finish each day.

My New Life in Austin

Life moves fast. We had our first day of orientation today. I registered for classes, settled my tuition bill, and started moving into my office at school. Next week is the first week of class and we also start our TA assignments. Yes, Tracy is a TA now. I get to grade and hold office hours for unfortunate Intro Psych students.

The Psych building is about 5 years old. The building is new and spacious. I share an office with one of my cohorts. Next door to us is the office shared by the other 2 first years. There are 4 new students in the Social/Personality area this year among which I'm the only girl. That is pretty much unheard of in the Social Psych area - usually the demographics are female heavy. The 4 of us, I have a feeling, are going to get really close as we pretty much take the exact same classes our first year here.

Because I don't live near a bus line, I have to drive to get to school. The commute is about 5-10 minutes by freeway (which in Austin is considered a stone's throw away). I ended up buying a white 2002 4-door Chevy Cavalier. It's small and gas economical, but the pollution score not up to par. Still, it's nice to own a car without dents or duct tape. It's also a dream to navigate and to park. I have my University of Michigan decal proudly displayed on the rear window.

I live in a cute 2-story condo with 2 other girls I met on Craigslist. NC, the owner of the condo, is a 2nd year Counseling Psych student at UT. Counseling Psych is in the Educational Psych Dept, so we're in different departments, and it amazes me how different her department is from mine although we're both Psych. NC is 28 (I'm guessing) and already has her Master's in Counseling Psych. She's been great at showing me around town and helping me get to know Austin better. JR is 27 and an interior designer. Although we keep our condo very clean and bare, I snuck a peek in JR's room and it's gorgeously decorated. She and I like the same TV shows and sometimes watch reruns of Friends, What Not to Wear, and (cringe) Lifetime movies together. Our condo is in a shadier part of town, but luckily my next door neighbor T looks out for us. She's the type to constantly peer out the window with one hand on the phone to call the police or to warn us if anything is happening. She's already helped me out with finding safer parking and kept me in the know with who's been arrested and which neighbors are fighting with whom. Bless her heart, I think we all need neighbors like T.

I joined a Yoga studio in Austin and have been going daily. The studio is huge with 4 locations spread throughout the city. They offer 350 classes each week taught by instructors well versed in human anatomy and yogic philosophies. I've been finding that having a knowledgeable instructor makes a HUGE difference in my practice.

There is just so much to do in Austin. This weekend I'm going to learn to be a pool shark (my officemate made his gas money to drive down to Austin through playing pool). Saturday there's the annual Hot Sauce Festival as well as something called Flugtag where people build flying contraptions and try to fly them off the bridge. It's going to be a full 5 years ahead of me, I imagine, but I'm really excited about them!

Local Foods

One of my favorite activities over the last week and a half I've been in Austin is to explore the local grocery stores. Here is what I found:

There is no Meijer in Austin; however, there are both Super Targets and Super Walmarts. I haven't been to the Super Target as it's too far away to drive for food, but my parents and I went to Super Walmarts while they were here. The prices are fair and it's nice to get everything in one place, although I feel like the quality of produce is a little lacking. Still, because I'm from Ann Arbor and have been inundated with criticisms of the way Walmart treats its employees, I tend to stay away from that store.

H.E.B. reminds me a lot of Kroger. The store brand products are cheap (like their oats and kitchen supplies) and they also have a selection of whole grain pastas and rice (although whole grain is not as available as it is in the Midwest). The produce was a little disgusting in the store I visited but that may not be true of all the H.E.B. stores. I'll probably mostly shop at H.E.B. for all my non-produce food.

Randalls (yes it has an "s" in its name) is convenient because it's right by my condo. It also reminds me a lot of Kroger. The prices are pretty cheap as well, with the exception of dairy products. The produce here is good - I bought bananas here when I couldn't bring myself to buy the bananas at H.E.B. Still, since yogurt and soy milk are my staples, I can't shop anywhere where prices are over $3 for each product.

Fiesta is huge. It has an overwhelming selection of international foods and produce. I went yesterday and had a lot of fun. The patrons mostly consisted of Mexican Americans - I felt a little out of place shopping there - but I got a lot of food for cheap. There are also open market stands lining the outside of Fiesta selling clothing, accessories - reminds me a little of the outdoor stands in New York. I'll definitely come shop here again.

Lately, I've become more convinced about the benefits of eating local. Between Time Magazine's article on local foods, and a fellow first year in my department expounding on the environmental impact and health benefits of eating local, I'm starting a habit of buying most of my produce from the local Farmer's Market. The prices are a wee bit higher, but I buy so little food each week that I feel it's well worth it. This week, I bought my bread and produce from the Farmer's Market. In the future, I may buy my honey and start preserving my own fruit. It's nice because they only sell what's in season. I've never had okra before, but the stands are teeming with okra right now, so I bought a pound and cooked Smothered Okra. The garlic from the market is harder to peel, but when I cut into the tomatoes, I was amazed by how deep the color was. And the food really is so delicious and fresh.

One of things that surprised me about shopping in Austin was that they don't give you an option of paper or plastic when it comes to bagging up your groceries. Everything is plastic and they use a lot more bags, I feel, than they need. My roommates use the bags at home as trash bags, but between the 3 of us, we have enough already to last us the year. I finally caved and purchased 2 reusable grocery bags online. I figure, if I'm going green, I should start doing it right.

Everything's Bigger in Texas!

In the 8 days that I've lived in Austin, I've made a few observations. I think it's safe to say, "Toto, we're not in Michigan anymore." The saying "Everything's bigger in Texas" is true from what I've seen.

1. State Pride. I really think Texas takes this to another level. Not only do they have a Texas day parade, but when we crossed the state line on our way down here, Texas symbols and icons appeared EVERYTHING. I'm talking billboards, road signs, even bathroom doors of rest areas. Not for 5 minutes have I forgotten I'm in Texas, and there's always something less than 200 yards away to remind me in case I do.

2. The traffic. Austin is not built on a grid. And the freeways do not work the same way as they do in Michigan. Roads rise up on bridges and wind and swirl over and under one another. It's almost futuresque in appearance. Luckily for me, I live at the intersection of three freeways in Austin. I got a hands-on crash course on how to be an aggressive driver.

3. The heat. I was warned, I really was. But Austin is really hot and humid! Unfortunately, my car's A/C is not in the best condition so commuting around town is like sitting in a sauna. I try to make the best of it and remember that a steam sauna has health benefits and promotes weight loss. The sun is stronger too. I'm already 2 shades tanner and my hair is a shade lighter from the sun.

4. The night life and live music. I love Ann Arbor, but Austin puts Ann Arbor's night life to shame. Every other bar has live music and downtown gets so busy that it's routine practice to block off a few of the streets from traffic weekend nights. The Austin City Limits music festival (ACL) is coming to town bringing with it artists like Bob Dylan, Bjork, The Killers, Amy Winehouse, and more. I'm also going to a Tori Amos concert in November with my roommate. How I'm going to afford to do all this? I have no idea.

5. Friendliness of the people. People are really talkative here! I've met my next door neighbor (she's a talker!) and I find myself having conversations at my yoga classes, grocery stores, even Target. People are really easy-going and very interested in getting to know who you are. Sadly, the only place I've been so far where not a single person greeted me was the church I visited last Sunday...

In case you were wondering...

Chris Tomlin did lead worship at church this morning.

Road Trip

Finally (somewhat) settled in Austin! Here are pics of our trip down.
First stop: Kokomo, IN where Richard was born.

My old school:

Richard was excited to find the same VBS program elsewhere:

Richard's birthplace:

Our old apartment:

Our old house:

My dad's old workplace:

Stop 2: My aunt's house near St. Louis, MO

My crazy cousin:

Us in front of her house:

Stop 3: Graceland in Memphis, TN

Elvis' kitchen:

His living room:

Trophy room:

Grave:

Stop 4: Arlington, TX

My first home:

I don't have pics of Fort Worth, TX (my birthplace) and Austin because my camera may have broken. =(

Moving!

In less than 12 hours I will be on the road to Austin...

Music and Lyrics

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song / If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me / Threatening the life it belongs to / And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd / Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud" ~Anna Nalick, Breathe (2 AM)

I've never been particularly talented at expressing myself through words and music. Rewinding back to the last few years of high school and even through the first few years of college, I was so angsty and desperate to let my emotions out that I made a few paltry attempts at song-writing. Looking back, the superficial lyrics and melodies masked a depth that I couldn't seem tap into myself.

I envy those who are in touch with their emotions. I envy those who can put their stories to music. When it's done well, when I hear a particularly personal perfomance, I feel this stirring in my heart.

Maybe one day I'll be able to tap into my life and come up with beautiful music and lyrics. Till then I'll content myself with listening to others.

Current obsessions: Bon Jovi "You Want to (Make a Memory)," Taylor Swift "Teardrops on my Guitar," Kelly Clarkson "Sober."