Goal Pose of 2011

After some thought, I have chosen my goal pose of 2011: Dwi Pada Sirsasana.

Photo courtesy of Kino MacGregor

I will keep you all posted on my progress!

The First of the Changes

Last week I took an hour off of my work day to attend a docent led tour of the photography exhibit at the Harry Ransom center. It was a much needed break from the usual grind and I got to set aside my work hat(s) to just enjoy, well, things that I enjoy in life.

Tomorrow is the last day I'm teaching the Thursday evening Ashtanga class at Castle Hill. In December, I'll be saying to another three classes. Luckily these are not classes I've been teaching long, but the change is still symbolic for me in that it's a sign that I'm finally re-prioritizing my life. I need to focus on school more, and that involves creating larger chunks of time when I can sit down and work. I need to spend my free time resting and restoring my mind, body, and soul, instead of running myself ragged trying to fit all my work in.

So what do I want to do more of in the Spring?
I want to spend more time outside in the sun.
I want to focus more on my own personal yoga practice.
I want to explore the more artistic side of me through music and photography.
I want to get more involved with social justice movements here in Austin.
I want to improve my cooking abilities.

No, don't worry, I won't replace my dropped yoga classes with more obligations and responsibilities. I'm just hoping freeing up my weekday to get schoolwork done while sleeping enough every night will give me more energy to take time off on the weekends and relax with the things I love.

Friday I meet with my adviser about my dissertation - what I'm going to propose and when I'm finally going to propose it. There is only 2 1/2 weeks left of the semester and the days are flying by fast!

PS. I have an inkling for a new direction this blog might take so stay tuned!

Back to the Basics

I've been feeling a ton of unrest and angst lately which has kept me from blogging more than I wish to. I've been carrying around this ache in my stomach everywhere I go -- an ache that is a mixture of dread, shame, guilt, and self-doubt -- in my yoga classes, school activities, even my friendships. In fact, it got so bad that I crawled into bed one Monday and with the exception of a few yoga classes I had to teach, I did not emerge until Friday morning.

Something was terribly wrong. 

We are called to live in freedom. To experience unconditional joy and peace. Yet it was like I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders and I was teetering at the edge of depression without a clue as to why. So I turned to the only place I knew I could find some answers. And I read this passage:

Psalm 142:1-3: "I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way."

I used to trust that God had prepared my way for me, but somehow along the way I lost that trust. I took my circumstances under my own control and began to lose my way. My ego surfaced, and took over everything I did. I operated out of fear rather than love, and began to experience self-condemnation instead of fear. Instead of yoga students, I was seeing numbers that both fattened my wallet and increased my sense of accomplishment. Instead of theoretical knowledge, I was focused on publications and padding my CV. Instead of friendships, I was focused on validation. I lost the love of everything I was doing and instead became a slave to my commitments. 

It's time to go back to the basics.

I'm simplifying. I'm stepping out in faith in my financial situation and dropping half the yoga classes I teach. Furthermore, I'm going to focus on being a yoga student and loving the practice again. I'm also going to cut down the number of research projects I'm running to make time for the few that are important to me. And I'm going to take time each week to do the little things I love: peruse museums, play music, take pictures, and drop by a jazz club. I'm going to rediscover why I love what I do: how yoga can transform lives, and how knowledge can be used to break the bonds of social injustice.

Let's see where this takes me...

Balance

FINALLY some time to post. 

School got off to a rough start with my laptop breaking and me scrambling to find a way to keep up with research without being able to work from home (let's just say one too many super early mornings followed by late night at the office). My yoga practice was shot and consisted of me practicing whenever I could (random times, like between 9-10pm one day, 3:17-4 the next, etc). I was stressed about work, stressed about money, stressed about generally everything. I felt out of control. Which is ironic as my themes for this fall/semester are "balance" and "freedom."

Then I went to church on Sunday and the sermon blew my mind. Stick with me here because I know the sermon may seem unrelated at first.

We have been going through a 4-week series on Temptation, moving through the book of Hebrews, focusing on what grace is, and what it means to have Jesus as our high priest. This week, however, the sermon was about God as our Father. He is a disciplinary father, but the discipline is for our good. Jeff used the analogy of us gripping an electric fence, holding fast and unable to let go due to the current running through us. Discipline is painful, but it is a lesser pain to prevent us from suffering a greater pain. Discipline in this analogy would be us being forcefully wrenched from the electric fence. The wrenching is painful, yes, but it is a lesser pain compared to the pain of being electrocuted to death. Our God is a good God, and He is a father. And like (some of) our earthly fathers (and I am blessed enough to have a great father), He will not want to see His children suffer in great pain for long. So He will discipline when it is for our own good. Moreover, the end result of discipline will always be freedom. 

This is a simple concept, yet profound to me. I think as a Christian, I still live in a way where I feel condemned all the time. I try to keep myself in check, do the right things, and feel super guilty when I screw up. But what I'm starting to learn -- and this lesson became more solidified through the sermon -- is that the more I focus on my shortcomings, the less I focus on my goal, which is Christ. And so because of God's character, instead of focusing on keeping myself in check, I can just run after Him freely with no regard for anything else, and know that because He is a good father, He will correct me if I am doing something wrong.

Back to my unbalanced life of late. I realize that most of my imbalance comes from the stress of feeling like I'm not handling things right, that I keep screwing up and am falling short of my own expectations (I'm not doing enough research, I'm not getting a full yoga practice in daily, etc). But everything that needs to get done is getting done. They are just not getting in the order or the way I expect them to. So perhaps if I stop focusing on what I'm not doing (which is what is causing this feeling of unbalance), and just live and accomplish what I can to the best of my abilities, I'll find myself more balanced than not.

Surrendering to usher in freedom.

If things need to change in my life, I can trust that those things will become apparent soon. Until then, I can just focus on living without worrying about my shortcomings. And that, I believe, is the key to balance and freedom.

The Healing Power of Yoga

This past weekend and week I've been doing an Ashtanga training with Nancy Gilgoff. Nancy has been practicing Ashtanga for almost 40 years, and is pretty much the female expert on the practice, being pretty much the longest female practitioner of this form of yoga. Having attended workshops and trainings with Manju Jois, David Williams, and David Swenson, I'm still blown away from what I'm learning from Nancy.

To sum it up, Nancy was a physical wreck when she started yoga, and Ashtanga healed her body. Not only that, but her nervous system/energy levels were completely out of whack and to this day, she relies on yoga to help her find balance. Because of this, she has a very firm belief in Ashtanga as an energetic practice, one that has the power to heal bodies beyond what Western medicine can understand.

As a teacher, I had many questions for her during her clinics about alignment and adjustments. Finally, she put me in my place yesterday and told me straight up "Ashtanga is not about alignments. Stop thinking so much with your head and practice with the body!"

That is difficult for me, no doubt, since I'm a very cerebral person (I am an academic, after all!), but I tried. So today, I rolled out my mat and forgot about everything except for three things that Nancy keeps emphasizing:

1. How can I make this practice as efficient as possible? (read: how can I minimize the amount of movement/fidgeting) 

2. How can I maintain my bandhas in every posture? (this involves a lot of back-rounding and curling in)

3. How can I effectively channel energy through the body and keep the circuit flowing? (this changes a lot of my hand options and the way I bind my hands)

Let me just say wow. WOW. Yoga releases a lot of emotions, and on Sunday Nancy held us in Kapotasana (pictured below) for almost 20 breaths. I have done backbends now for years without any emotional reactions (it's usually hip-openers that get me). Well, let's just say I felt a hint of tears after that backbend. And it wasn't until Monday night that all of a sudden I burst into tears. I'm now starting to recognize that really dedicating myself to this practice is life-changing. Just in the few days I've been practicing with Nancy, some hormonal imbalances I've had for years are starting to regulate. My spine is aching a little the way it used to when I had scoliosis, but I'm told that it's my body reliving old injuries as a process of healing itself. 

One thing I love about Nancy is that even after 40 years of practicing, she still says things like "I'm just now starting to get this thing," or "I haven't figured this out...yet..." She has inspired me to be a firm believer in the practice of Ashtanga. 

Luckily, I am almost done teaching Vinyasa. So starting September, I'm going to throw myself into the practice of Ashtanga. For a year, I will follow the traditional practice: 5 days a week Mysore and a weekly led Primary class. Rest on moon days and first 3 days of the ladies cycle. Weekly coconut oil baths and monthly castor oil baths (more on that later). And let's see what it does!

New Beginnings

Life's a-changing lately. I finally settled into my new cute little Hyde Park studio and am living on my own again. It's strange, it seems like life after Israel has been completely different than life before. I've found that my schedule has changed drastically, life has been simplified, and even my social circle has shifted slightly.

There is a fantastic quote my friend Noelle shared with me awhile back:

There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world, I do think it's not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness with those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary, and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair, and disrespect. -- Nikki Giovanni

As much as I believe we are always called to embrace and serve others, I am starting the see the importance of carefully choosing who you surround yourself with. A dear friend of mine shared with me last week that in our life we have life-draining relationships and life-giving relationships. "Our friendship," he shared, "is life-giving."


Since then I've had that conversation with a few others. It's not that I'm simply surrounding myself with those who benefit me, but that I'm choosing to be with those who together we add to life whether than take away from it. Heck, Jesus did it when He surrounded Himself with Peter, James, and John on the darkest nights of His life.


And I guess that's what I'm trying to ask myself in making any decisions in my life. Are my actions (or my words, career-decisions, activities) glorifying and life-giving, or are they life-destroying?


That being said, lately life's been a-changing. Yesterday evening, I taught my last yoga class at UT. This morning, I'm excited to say I signed my contract to teach yoga at Castle Hill. I also took the leap and bought a domain name and ordered business cards in order to market myself as a bona fide yoga teacher. Finally, this evening, I'm embarking on a week-long Ashtanga training with Nancy Gilgoff!!

Sthira and Sukha

I'm sitting on my bed right now surrounded by boxes filled with my stuff. This is certainly a time of being stretched and challenged as I'm balancing finishing my Master's Thesis, constantly grading papers and exams, preparing for my upcoming talk in Israel (not to mention preparing for traveling in Israel), keeping up with my yoga practice and teaching schedule, all the while trying to move out of my apartment before I leave the country on July 8.

Yet my heart is full and I'm grateful. My yoga practice has been teaching me the importance of the balance between Sthira and Sukha, or strength and ease. To find the strength and foundation as I move through postures (and life), all the while finding the softness and ease within each posture. As life gets hard (and the summer months get hot), it's so easy to harden the self just to get through it all. I found in my yoga practice, I've been trying to muscle through my practice as the summer months make a vigorous practice almost unbearable. Yet, when I harden, I cannot grow in my practice. I miss out on the entire purpose of my practice. Likewise, as life gets crazy, and my responsibilities start to weigh me down, it's easy to harden my heart and my mind and muscle my way through it all. But if I stay hardened and try to move through life relying only on willpower and inertia, I miss out on so much! Not only that, but I can drive the people around me that I love away.

So during this time of craziness, I've tried to take time out just to stop and sit. To find the stillness and softness amid the chaos of my schedule. To quiet my heart and mind enough to sit before the Lord and allow Him to speak to me. And He has. Not only has He been speaking, He's been showing me just HOW MUCH I'm blessed.

• In a time when I've been feeling frustrated with yoga teaching, He's provided me with classes to go to where I can be a student again and learn from Master teachers...
• Not only that, but I have a teacher willing to mentor me and pour into me...
• I have true friends in Austin who I found that I can be vulnerable with and grow with...
• I have people offering to help me move, providing me with boxes and helping me to actually pack...
• And people coordinating trucks and manpower so I don't have to rent a U-Haul or call people up myself...
• I'm sitting on so much data for research that I don't even have time to analyze it all before the Israel trips...
• And I have not only one, but two advisers, who are invested in seeing me succeed in the academic world...

So with this craziness I'm realizing how closely God is holding me in the palm of His hand. Which only means that He has a plan for me, one bigger than I can imagine. All I can do is to soften and surrender to Him, to open my mind and heart to all that He has to offer. And to be real. Not to strive toward being someone I'm not, but to just be me.

Contradicting "Truths"

I had a good but brief conversation with my adviser yesterday that basically highlighted the need for us to sit down and talk about the next 2 years of my graduate career. I am hoping to write up a Master's Thesis this summer and earn a new set of letters after my name to show for my last 3 years of work. In the fall, I'm probably going to propose my dissertation. That is, unless we decide to shoot for a grant (either a lab grant or a dissertation grant for me). In the off-chance we get the grant, I will likely stay in Austin a 6th year, which would mean I'd wait another year before proposing a dissertation. In the meantime, I have been itching to start bridging the gap between my research and the topic of human trafficking, and I need to start focusing my attention there.

Long story short, there is a lot to think about. Which brings me to an observation that I've made recently. 

As a yoga teacher, I'm a huge proponent of practicing what I teach, and I realize there are certain aspects of the Ashtanga practice that I teach but don't do. For example, I teach my students that the most important part of the Ashtanga sequence is the last three pranayama postures and savasana. Confession time: I've been hypocritically skipping (or at the very least truncating) those postures in my own practice. In the Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis makes the point that we as humans often hold multiple "truths" in our heads and don't pay attention to how these "truths" contradict one another. The reality is that there can only be one truth and truth cannot contradict itself. So if I really believe that it is the truth that savasana is the most important aspect of the practice, I cannot skip it in my own practice. If I do, I'm saying that I don't believe that particular "truth" and I believe in the "truth" that it is not important in my own practice. 

Which brings me back to research. I'm convinced that my interest and growing passion for social justice, particularly human trafficking, is from God. And that a lot of my training and education is preparing me to do something in that area. That it is no accident that in the last month, about 4-5 people have independently told me to think more deeply about International Justice Mission and their work. Plus my hangup in this career direction is my insecurity about my statistical knowledge and I find out on Tuesday that this summer I have the opportunity to take a 2 day intensive workshop with one of the greatest statistical minds in our field. So, if I believe that God is directing me into this area of research, shouldn't my actions reflect that? Not that I should stop my research on relationships (I still think that it is important research), but I need to allocate more of my time to social justice research, and stop worrying about advancing my career in topics outside of social justice. Basically, if I really believe that God called me to something, there is no need to keep relying on a plan B. I cannot say I believe in God's calling, and at the same time act in a way that shows distrust in Him. That is, I cannot demonstrate belief in two contradicting "truths" because it is both philosophically and logically impossible.

So this summer I have to get my priorities straight in my career. If I really believe God's calling, my actions and the projects I take on MUST reflect what I believe to be true. I have finally decided to say no to an opportunity I had recently to start a business that could potentially be very successful. It's not about money. It's not about success. It's about doing what I'm called to do and to be true to the Truth that am professing to believe.

Yoga Sub Schedule

I added a module on the right that lists all the upcoming yoga classes I'm subbing.

Growing Pains

(butterfly pic cheesily symbolizing changes and transitions)

I taught my last Wednesday Vinyasa class tonight. On one hand the end was bittersweet as I was just starting to find my groove with the class, on the other hand I'm grateful as teaching the class was wearing me out in terms of my schedule. I had a few regulars in the class tonight and we took time to explore inversions such as handstands and forearm stands.

This week has been like magic in terms of yoga. Someone told me to teach from the heart and I've really been trying to do that. I come to my students open and honest about where I am in my life and in my practice, and instead of "teaching," I bring them on my journey with me. And something has changed. In my UT classes, students are binding and popping up into headstands for the first time. Tonight, I had a student hover in pincha mayurasana for the first time, and another taking courage to attempt handstand for the first time ever! Teaching can be more tiring that people think, but the look of wonder on their faces when students are finally able to do what they've been working on for years makes it all worthwhile!

As the semester is closing out I've been completely burnt out. I'm exhausted, unmotivated, and emotional. I'm also finding myself just in a place of brokenness. While I have a lot of hope towards what's to come, I think I'm facing a lot of ugliness in my own life, seeing flaws in my character and in my heart. I truly believe that this sadness and brokenness is a righteous brokenness (much like what people call righteous anger), and that it's going to serve as an impetus to really examine my life and ask for a change in heart. Like I had mentioned a few blog posts back, I'm entering a time of transition and great things are about to happen in all aspects of my life! I think right now I'm just experiencing some growing pains.

Anyway, I'm embarking on a month long detox to start ridding my body of all the junk I've been eating this past semester. This week, I'm cutting down on animal products (meat, eggs, and dairy) and weaning myself off caffeine. Next week I'm cutting out processed foods. I'm also looking forward to changes in my yoga teaching schedule starting this Saturday as well as the semester (finally) ending next Friday. Projects I'm going to be working on this summer include designing a website for my yoga teaching as well as designing and ordering some business cards. I'm also hoping to write up my Master's thesis and my prepare my dissertation proposal for this coming fall. Then I'll be in Israel for most of July and coming back and moving into a precious little studio apartment in Hyde Park.

Hopefully I'll start updating regularly soon! I'd love to have a public record of this journey and time of transition!

Day 2

I've updated my yoga schedule for May. May will be a little crazy as I'm trying to set myself up financially for the summer by teaching 7 yoga classes a week. I'm still in the process of figuring out my UT teaching schedule for June through August, but that will likely fall into place within the next few weeks.

I taught my first private yoga lesson today. It was an Ashtanga lesson, and so I walked in with nothing more planned than to observe and correct. It was a really fun experience. Mike once said something about teaching based on flow of energy rather than simple anatomy, and I found that to be helpful in figuring out how to correct and better teach my students.

My friend Jessi is in Austin this weekend for a wedding, and I used her being in town as an excuse to check out First Thursday for the first time. South Congress was transformed into a street with performers and vendors, and it certainly had a feel of a small scale Ann Arbor Art Fair. It broke up this week and made the second half of the week feel like a continuous weekend. However, work is hitting hard as my relationship identity negotiation research is gaining momentum, and I just received possibly the most positive reviews for a paper I'll ever receive in my career. Hopefully, I'll find some time to get some work done this weekend!

Day 2 of the 40 Day Yoga Challenge, and I've actually been able to practice all of first series and half of second for two days in a row! It helps that I've found that I can finish all of that in about 1 1/2 hours (it used to take me a full two hours). I've realized that my lower back, while very strong, has become very very tight, and I've been working in primary to start stretching out that lower back. The result is the lower back has been feeling a little more floppier than usual lately, but hopefully it will all balance out.

I've learned many things in Ashtanga, and one of them is that imbalance is sometimes necessary to achieve balance. Injury is sometimes necessary to heal. Sometimes brokenness has to occur to strengthen and grow. That isn't to say I'm going to purposefully injure myself, but injuries and other little detours to serve a purpose and can actually enhance and grow the practice. And hopefully I can begin to take the same perspective on life. That the little detours and valleys I experience aren't debilitating - rather they are opportunities for me to mature and grow stronger and become more equipped for my purpose and goal.

A Time of Transition

As cheesy as it sounds, when I turned 26 a few weeks ago, I felt the Lord whisper to me, "This is the year." The year for what? That I do not yet know. All I know is that life is moving at an unbelievable pace. I'm entering a time of transition and big changes are happening in the next few months: changes regarding my living situation, my research focus, and my yoga teaching and practice. Since Sunday, the Lord has started to move me down a new path, allowing me to potentially pursue some old dreams I had written off long ago, and instilling me a new sense of purpose and direction in my life that seems to weave together all my experiences. I'm really excited for what's to come!

Today was a fantastic day. In about an hour, I'm picking up an old college friend from the airport. I'm grateful that although I'm away from home on Easter, a little piece of home is coming to join me this weekend. The 40 day yoga challenge starts tomorrow which is timely as I'm hoping to blog about both the yoga challenge and the transitions in my life over the next 40 days.

The Healing Process

Here's a picture to keep my momma updated on my life (she's not on Facebook). A picture of me and my friends from this weekend. As you can see, I need to tan.

First off, I want to say I do appreciate the comments from my posts on relationships. They gave me a lot of food for thought and one of them even made me blush. ;)

As I had mentioned a few weeks ago, I am nursing a left hamstring injury that popped out of nowhere. When I came back to Texas I was working slowly through Primary series everyday, because Primary series is named "Yoga therapy" for it's ability to heal and open up the body. I was (and still am) taking weekly epsom salt baths to loosen up the muscles and massaging my hamstring (and shoulder) with castor oil daily to break down the scar tissue.

Last week I finally returned to practicing with my teacher (the commitment-phobe in me doesn't want to call him "my teacher," but that's really what he's become) and he watched my practice for 3 days before banning me from Primary series.

He told me he knows that Primary is supposed to be healing, but what my hamstrings need right now is a complete break. To heal something, sometimes you need to just leave it alone for awhile. Instead, I'm doing the little bit of Intermediate series I know (as well as finally learning what I've been avoiding forever: the handstand) until he gives me the okay to go back to practicing the hamstring-aggravating Primary series.

This reminds me of a story I had read in Nischala Joy Devi's translation of the Yoga Sutras. She was talking about how she was going to refuse medication after a complicated dental procedure because she doesn't believe in taking medication. After all, no pain, no gain right? The dentist returned the prescription back to her, saying "You may want to rethink that. Research has determined that when even moderate pain is experienced, the healing process is inhibited." (The Secret Power of Yoga, page 25).

This blows my mind. In a culture where our mantra is "no pain, no gain," in a world where discomfort is taken as a sign of growth and progress, could it be possible that sometimes letting things sit and rest can be more effective than dealing with pain and problems head on? One of the faculty in my area at school (Pennebaker) found in his research on the effects of expressive writing on health that it's actually healthier to NOT talk through traumatizing events the first few days after they occur.

So when do we take immediate action and when do we let things sit? When there is a rift in a relationship, do we allow things to sit for a little or do we address the issue straightaway? We're taught to address problems immediately because problems will only grow worse over time. But clearly that's not always the case. When do we act, and when is it okay to wait?

Being Me

Austin downtown shenanigans:

Ahhhhh...finally have some time to blog!! My flight landed in Austin at around 11pm last Monday and I had to be on campus at 9:30 the next morning to run a research study. Let's just say I haven't stopped since. I'm acclimating to my new schedule along with teaching a brand new Vinyasa class, trying to catch up with Austin friends, and have been scrambling to finish up some tasks before I leave for Vegas next Wednesday. I've been driving back and forth town a ton since I got back and really am looking forward to commuting less when I (hopefully) relocate closer to downtown this summer.

But despite the busyness of it all, I've been feeling an incredible joy this week. Which is SUCH A GIFT, considering how I've been feeling this past week in Austin. When I came back from break, I actually felt incredibly discouraged both about teaching yoga and about my research. I felt my work was sub-par in both, and I kept comparing myself to others and found myself coming up short.

When I shared this with my wonderful friend and fellow yoga teacher Sarah (affectionately known as "Struttin'", she reminded me that my worth as a yoga teacher is not determined by my students. It is not determined by how complicated my flow sequences are, or even by the level of energy I bring to the class. My entire worth as a yoga teacher is based on the fact that I am teaching to the best of my ability in order to glorify and honor Christ and that is that. The same goes for my research. My worth as a Psychologist is not determined by how many publications are on my vita, by my teaching evaluations, even by the amount of funding I receive. The important thing to focus on is researching to glorify and honor the Lord. And if I'm aiming to please Him, He will direct my path in the right direction, whatever that means for me.

Coincidentally - or rather, Providentially - the sermon on Sunday was related to that lesson. Hmmm..is someone trying to tell me something?

So I'm letting go of the comparisons, and wishing I was more like so-and-so. I'm letting go of focusing on how I measure up to others in the same line of work as me. And I'm focusing on bringing who I am and what I have to offer to the table. Being true to myself as Christian, and true to what I feel called to do. And let me tell you, I have never felt so much joy in my research and in teaching!

I taught a Vinyasa class this evening where we celebrated our breath. We celebrated our bodies and the movements we are able to take. We laughed, we sweated, we flowed, we fell on our face, and we got back up again. It was absolutely exhilarating! I may not be the best yoga teacher out there, and I may not be the most talented researcher by far, but I'm working hard and doing my best, being true to who I am. And that, finally, is enough.