Sthira and Sukha

I'm sitting on my bed right now surrounded by boxes filled with my stuff. This is certainly a time of being stretched and challenged as I'm balancing finishing my Master's Thesis, constantly grading papers and exams, preparing for my upcoming talk in Israel (not to mention preparing for traveling in Israel), keeping up with my yoga practice and teaching schedule, all the while trying to move out of my apartment before I leave the country on July 8.

Yet my heart is full and I'm grateful. My yoga practice has been teaching me the importance of the balance between Sthira and Sukha, or strength and ease. To find the strength and foundation as I move through postures (and life), all the while finding the softness and ease within each posture. As life gets hard (and the summer months get hot), it's so easy to harden the self just to get through it all. I found in my yoga practice, I've been trying to muscle through my practice as the summer months make a vigorous practice almost unbearable. Yet, when I harden, I cannot grow in my practice. I miss out on the entire purpose of my practice. Likewise, as life gets crazy, and my responsibilities start to weigh me down, it's easy to harden my heart and my mind and muscle my way through it all. But if I stay hardened and try to move through life relying only on willpower and inertia, I miss out on so much! Not only that, but I can drive the people around me that I love away.

So during this time of craziness, I've tried to take time out just to stop and sit. To find the stillness and softness amid the chaos of my schedule. To quiet my heart and mind enough to sit before the Lord and allow Him to speak to me. And He has. Not only has He been speaking, He's been showing me just HOW MUCH I'm blessed.

• In a time when I've been feeling frustrated with yoga teaching, He's provided me with classes to go to where I can be a student again and learn from Master teachers...
• Not only that, but I have a teacher willing to mentor me and pour into me...
• I have true friends in Austin who I found that I can be vulnerable with and grow with...
• I have people offering to help me move, providing me with boxes and helping me to actually pack...
• And people coordinating trucks and manpower so I don't have to rent a U-Haul or call people up myself...
• I'm sitting on so much data for research that I don't even have time to analyze it all before the Israel trips...
• And I have not only one, but two advisers, who are invested in seeing me succeed in the academic world...

So with this craziness I'm realizing how closely God is holding me in the palm of His hand. Which only means that He has a plan for me, one bigger than I can imagine. All I can do is to soften and surrender to Him, to open my mind and heart to all that He has to offer. And to be real. Not to strive toward being someone I'm not, but to just be me.

Growing Pains

(butterfly pic cheesily symbolizing changes and transitions)

I taught my last Wednesday Vinyasa class tonight. On one hand the end was bittersweet as I was just starting to find my groove with the class, on the other hand I'm grateful as teaching the class was wearing me out in terms of my schedule. I had a few regulars in the class tonight and we took time to explore inversions such as handstands and forearm stands.

This week has been like magic in terms of yoga. Someone told me to teach from the heart and I've really been trying to do that. I come to my students open and honest about where I am in my life and in my practice, and instead of "teaching," I bring them on my journey with me. And something has changed. In my UT classes, students are binding and popping up into headstands for the first time. Tonight, I had a student hover in pincha mayurasana for the first time, and another taking courage to attempt handstand for the first time ever! Teaching can be more tiring that people think, but the look of wonder on their faces when students are finally able to do what they've been working on for years makes it all worthwhile!

As the semester is closing out I've been completely burnt out. I'm exhausted, unmotivated, and emotional. I'm also finding myself just in a place of brokenness. While I have a lot of hope towards what's to come, I think I'm facing a lot of ugliness in my own life, seeing flaws in my character and in my heart. I truly believe that this sadness and brokenness is a righteous brokenness (much like what people call righteous anger), and that it's going to serve as an impetus to really examine my life and ask for a change in heart. Like I had mentioned a few blog posts back, I'm entering a time of transition and great things are about to happen in all aspects of my life! I think right now I'm just experiencing some growing pains.

Anyway, I'm embarking on a month long detox to start ridding my body of all the junk I've been eating this past semester. This week, I'm cutting down on animal products (meat, eggs, and dairy) and weaning myself off caffeine. Next week I'm cutting out processed foods. I'm also looking forward to changes in my yoga teaching schedule starting this Saturday as well as the semester (finally) ending next Friday. Projects I'm going to be working on this summer include designing a website for my yoga teaching as well as designing and ordering some business cards. I'm also hoping to write up my Master's thesis and my prepare my dissertation proposal for this coming fall. Then I'll be in Israel for most of July and coming back and moving into a precious little studio apartment in Hyde Park.

Hopefully I'll start updating regularly soon! I'd love to have a public record of this journey and time of transition!