Back to the Basics

I've been feeling a ton of unrest and angst lately which has kept me from blogging more than I wish to. I've been carrying around this ache in my stomach everywhere I go -- an ache that is a mixture of dread, shame, guilt, and self-doubt -- in my yoga classes, school activities, even my friendships. In fact, it got so bad that I crawled into bed one Monday and with the exception of a few yoga classes I had to teach, I did not emerge until Friday morning.

Something was terribly wrong. 

We are called to live in freedom. To experience unconditional joy and peace. Yet it was like I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders and I was teetering at the edge of depression without a clue as to why. So I turned to the only place I knew I could find some answers. And I read this passage:

Psalm 142:1-3: "I cry aloud to the Lord; I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy. I pour out my complaint before him; before him I tell my trouble. When my spirit grows faint within me, it is you who know my way."

I used to trust that God had prepared my way for me, but somehow along the way I lost that trust. I took my circumstances under my own control and began to lose my way. My ego surfaced, and took over everything I did. I operated out of fear rather than love, and began to experience self-condemnation instead of fear. Instead of yoga students, I was seeing numbers that both fattened my wallet and increased my sense of accomplishment. Instead of theoretical knowledge, I was focused on publications and padding my CV. Instead of friendships, I was focused on validation. I lost the love of everything I was doing and instead became a slave to my commitments. 

It's time to go back to the basics.

I'm simplifying. I'm stepping out in faith in my financial situation and dropping half the yoga classes I teach. Furthermore, I'm going to focus on being a yoga student and loving the practice again. I'm also going to cut down the number of research projects I'm running to make time for the few that are important to me. And I'm going to take time each week to do the little things I love: peruse museums, play music, take pictures, and drop by a jazz club. I'm going to rediscover why I love what I do: how yoga can transform lives, and how knowledge can be used to break the bonds of social injustice.

Let's see where this takes me...

New Beginnings

Life's a-changing lately. I finally settled into my new cute little Hyde Park studio and am living on my own again. It's strange, it seems like life after Israel has been completely different than life before. I've found that my schedule has changed drastically, life has been simplified, and even my social circle has shifted slightly.

There is a fantastic quote my friend Noelle shared with me awhile back:

There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world, I do think it's not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness with those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary, and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair, and disrespect. -- Nikki Giovanni

As much as I believe we are always called to embrace and serve others, I am starting the see the importance of carefully choosing who you surround yourself with. A dear friend of mine shared with me last week that in our life we have life-draining relationships and life-giving relationships. "Our friendship," he shared, "is life-giving."


Since then I've had that conversation with a few others. It's not that I'm simply surrounding myself with those who benefit me, but that I'm choosing to be with those who together we add to life whether than take away from it. Heck, Jesus did it when He surrounded Himself with Peter, James, and John on the darkest nights of His life.


And I guess that's what I'm trying to ask myself in making any decisions in my life. Are my actions (or my words, career-decisions, activities) glorifying and life-giving, or are they life-destroying?


That being said, lately life's been a-changing. Yesterday evening, I taught my last yoga class at UT. This morning, I'm excited to say I signed my contract to teach yoga at Castle Hill. I also took the leap and bought a domain name and ordered business cards in order to market myself as a bona fide yoga teacher. Finally, this evening, I'm embarking on a week-long Ashtanga training with Nancy Gilgoff!!

Growing Pains

(butterfly pic cheesily symbolizing changes and transitions)

I taught my last Wednesday Vinyasa class tonight. On one hand the end was bittersweet as I was just starting to find my groove with the class, on the other hand I'm grateful as teaching the class was wearing me out in terms of my schedule. I had a few regulars in the class tonight and we took time to explore inversions such as handstands and forearm stands.

This week has been like magic in terms of yoga. Someone told me to teach from the heart and I've really been trying to do that. I come to my students open and honest about where I am in my life and in my practice, and instead of "teaching," I bring them on my journey with me. And something has changed. In my UT classes, students are binding and popping up into headstands for the first time. Tonight, I had a student hover in pincha mayurasana for the first time, and another taking courage to attempt handstand for the first time ever! Teaching can be more tiring that people think, but the look of wonder on their faces when students are finally able to do what they've been working on for years makes it all worthwhile!

As the semester is closing out I've been completely burnt out. I'm exhausted, unmotivated, and emotional. I'm also finding myself just in a place of brokenness. While I have a lot of hope towards what's to come, I think I'm facing a lot of ugliness in my own life, seeing flaws in my character and in my heart. I truly believe that this sadness and brokenness is a righteous brokenness (much like what people call righteous anger), and that it's going to serve as an impetus to really examine my life and ask for a change in heart. Like I had mentioned a few blog posts back, I'm entering a time of transition and great things are about to happen in all aspects of my life! I think right now I'm just experiencing some growing pains.

Anyway, I'm embarking on a month long detox to start ridding my body of all the junk I've been eating this past semester. This week, I'm cutting down on animal products (meat, eggs, and dairy) and weaning myself off caffeine. Next week I'm cutting out processed foods. I'm also looking forward to changes in my yoga teaching schedule starting this Saturday as well as the semester (finally) ending next Friday. Projects I'm going to be working on this summer include designing a website for my yoga teaching as well as designing and ordering some business cards. I'm also hoping to write up my Master's thesis and my prepare my dissertation proposal for this coming fall. Then I'll be in Israel for most of July and coming back and moving into a precious little studio apartment in Hyde Park.

Hopefully I'll start updating regularly soon! I'd love to have a public record of this journey and time of transition!

A Time of Transition

As cheesy as it sounds, when I turned 26 a few weeks ago, I felt the Lord whisper to me, "This is the year." The year for what? That I do not yet know. All I know is that life is moving at an unbelievable pace. I'm entering a time of transition and big changes are happening in the next few months: changes regarding my living situation, my research focus, and my yoga teaching and practice. Since Sunday, the Lord has started to move me down a new path, allowing me to potentially pursue some old dreams I had written off long ago, and instilling me a new sense of purpose and direction in my life that seems to weave together all my experiences. I'm really excited for what's to come!

Today was a fantastic day. In about an hour, I'm picking up an old college friend from the airport. I'm grateful that although I'm away from home on Easter, a little piece of home is coming to join me this weekend. The 40 day yoga challenge starts tomorrow which is timely as I'm hoping to blog about both the yoga challenge and the transitions in my life over the next 40 days.