New Beginnings

Life's a-changing lately. I finally settled into my new cute little Hyde Park studio and am living on my own again. It's strange, it seems like life after Israel has been completely different than life before. I've found that my schedule has changed drastically, life has been simplified, and even my social circle has shifted slightly.

There is a fantastic quote my friend Noelle shared with me awhile back:

There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world, I do think it's not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness with those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary, and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair, and disrespect. -- Nikki Giovanni

As much as I believe we are always called to embrace and serve others, I am starting the see the importance of carefully choosing who you surround yourself with. A dear friend of mine shared with me last week that in our life we have life-draining relationships and life-giving relationships. "Our friendship," he shared, "is life-giving."


Since then I've had that conversation with a few others. It's not that I'm simply surrounding myself with those who benefit me, but that I'm choosing to be with those who together we add to life whether than take away from it. Heck, Jesus did it when He surrounded Himself with Peter, James, and John on the darkest nights of His life.


And I guess that's what I'm trying to ask myself in making any decisions in my life. Are my actions (or my words, career-decisions, activities) glorifying and life-giving, or are they life-destroying?


That being said, lately life's been a-changing. Yesterday evening, I taught my last yoga class at UT. This morning, I'm excited to say I signed my contract to teach yoga at Castle Hill. I also took the leap and bought a domain name and ordered business cards in order to market myself as a bona fide yoga teacher. Finally, this evening, I'm embarking on a week-long Ashtanga training with Nancy Gilgoff!!

Growing Pains

(butterfly pic cheesily symbolizing changes and transitions)

I taught my last Wednesday Vinyasa class tonight. On one hand the end was bittersweet as I was just starting to find my groove with the class, on the other hand I'm grateful as teaching the class was wearing me out in terms of my schedule. I had a few regulars in the class tonight and we took time to explore inversions such as handstands and forearm stands.

This week has been like magic in terms of yoga. Someone told me to teach from the heart and I've really been trying to do that. I come to my students open and honest about where I am in my life and in my practice, and instead of "teaching," I bring them on my journey with me. And something has changed. In my UT classes, students are binding and popping up into headstands for the first time. Tonight, I had a student hover in pincha mayurasana for the first time, and another taking courage to attempt handstand for the first time ever! Teaching can be more tiring that people think, but the look of wonder on their faces when students are finally able to do what they've been working on for years makes it all worthwhile!

As the semester is closing out I've been completely burnt out. I'm exhausted, unmotivated, and emotional. I'm also finding myself just in a place of brokenness. While I have a lot of hope towards what's to come, I think I'm facing a lot of ugliness in my own life, seeing flaws in my character and in my heart. I truly believe that this sadness and brokenness is a righteous brokenness (much like what people call righteous anger), and that it's going to serve as an impetus to really examine my life and ask for a change in heart. Like I had mentioned a few blog posts back, I'm entering a time of transition and great things are about to happen in all aspects of my life! I think right now I'm just experiencing some growing pains.

Anyway, I'm embarking on a month long detox to start ridding my body of all the junk I've been eating this past semester. This week, I'm cutting down on animal products (meat, eggs, and dairy) and weaning myself off caffeine. Next week I'm cutting out processed foods. I'm also looking forward to changes in my yoga teaching schedule starting this Saturday as well as the semester (finally) ending next Friday. Projects I'm going to be working on this summer include designing a website for my yoga teaching as well as designing and ordering some business cards. I'm also hoping to write up my Master's thesis and my prepare my dissertation proposal for this coming fall. Then I'll be in Israel for most of July and coming back and moving into a precious little studio apartment in Hyde Park.

Hopefully I'll start updating regularly soon! I'd love to have a public record of this journey and time of transition!

Being Me

Austin downtown shenanigans:

Ahhhhh...finally have some time to blog!! My flight landed in Austin at around 11pm last Monday and I had to be on campus at 9:30 the next morning to run a research study. Let's just say I haven't stopped since. I'm acclimating to my new schedule along with teaching a brand new Vinyasa class, trying to catch up with Austin friends, and have been scrambling to finish up some tasks before I leave for Vegas next Wednesday. I've been driving back and forth town a ton since I got back and really am looking forward to commuting less when I (hopefully) relocate closer to downtown this summer.

But despite the busyness of it all, I've been feeling an incredible joy this week. Which is SUCH A GIFT, considering how I've been feeling this past week in Austin. When I came back from break, I actually felt incredibly discouraged both about teaching yoga and about my research. I felt my work was sub-par in both, and I kept comparing myself to others and found myself coming up short.

When I shared this with my wonderful friend and fellow yoga teacher Sarah (affectionately known as "Struttin'", she reminded me that my worth as a yoga teacher is not determined by my students. It is not determined by how complicated my flow sequences are, or even by the level of energy I bring to the class. My entire worth as a yoga teacher is based on the fact that I am teaching to the best of my ability in order to glorify and honor Christ and that is that. The same goes for my research. My worth as a Psychologist is not determined by how many publications are on my vita, by my teaching evaluations, even by the amount of funding I receive. The important thing to focus on is researching to glorify and honor the Lord. And if I'm aiming to please Him, He will direct my path in the right direction, whatever that means for me.

Coincidentally - or rather, Providentially - the sermon on Sunday was related to that lesson. Hmmm..is someone trying to tell me something?

So I'm letting go of the comparisons, and wishing I was more like so-and-so. I'm letting go of focusing on how I measure up to others in the same line of work as me. And I'm focusing on bringing who I am and what I have to offer to the table. Being true to myself as Christian, and true to what I feel called to do. And let me tell you, I have never felt so much joy in my research and in teaching!

I taught a Vinyasa class this evening where we celebrated our breath. We celebrated our bodies and the movements we are able to take. We laughed, we sweated, we flowed, we fell on our face, and we got back up again. It was absolutely exhilarating! I may not be the best yoga teacher out there, and I may not be the most talented researcher by far, but I'm working hard and doing my best, being true to who I am. And that, finally, is enough.