Research Updates

I've been running a research study since the beginning of September and it's finally yielded enough data to do something with it. I love coming up with the study, not super excited about actually running the study, but getting all the data feels really rewarding. I spent this past week staying up late at night analyzing the data and feeling a little overwhelmed by just how much I stil don't know about research. Now I've gotten to the part when I spend the next month or so drafting up a summary of the results. For some reason this is when the study comes together for me; I can't quite wrap my brain around what I'm doing until I put it down on paper. I don't consider myself a writer, but writing is my favorite part of the research study. That, combined with data analysis.

I've been feeling discombobulated all week. I think I'm going through that phase again when I don't feel quite awake and I'm tired all the time. My house is a mess and I miss hanging out with my girlfriends. Anyone want to come spend time with me while I clean?

On another note, I've been watching Friends straight through from Season One and just finished Season Eight. I think I need to take a 2 week hiatus from watching TV.

Lessons from a back injury

My back has been hurting a ton lately.

Apparently through bad posture and heavy books/bags, I've sustained a chronic back injury through high school and college. I spent the first months of this year going through physical therapy, doing seemingly endless stretching and strenghthening exercises, icing and ultrasound therapy (I still to this day don't understand how ultrasound treats the back) in order to realign my back. I was told I should stay away from running. Finally by spring it seemed that my spine had straightened out and my therapy days were over.

Disregarding advice from my therapist, I stopped stretching regularly, became more lax about my posture, and even began running again. Needless to say, my back has been getting worse again through this year. Still, I stubbornly tried to return to "normal life" with "normal habits" as if my back has never been injured.

I was recently talking to my friend Mel who tore her ACL 3-4 years ago and had to have surgery on her knee. Although her knee has now healed completely, she was telling me that while trying out a dance move, she noticed that her old injury still limits her flexibility and range of motion. She then concluded that although she's healed as much as she could, her knee will never be 100% healthy again, and she can never do things with it that normal people could. She then added the same went for my back. Although my back healed, I can't be stubborn and treat it like a normal back. I'll never be able to slouch like normal people can or carry bags as heavy as everyone else. It stinks, but that's what injuries do.

I started thinking about how this translates to matters of the heart. Sometime over the last year or two I developed a policy of living life at its fullest. I became rasher and more impulsive, made big plans and tried everything once without thinking through consequences. But as much as I want to believe that mistakes are necessary for learning (which they are), I have to realize that what I choose to do and risk - decisions I make today - will affect me for the rest of my life. As much as I can brush aside heartbreak and disappointment (in all areas of my life, I'm not just talking about relationships) knowing that I'll be okay at the end, these very heartbreaks and disappointments will not leave me untouched - they change me and form my worldviews and perspectives and even affect the decisions I make in the future.

This also translates to sin. Although rebelling and committing sins can lead to true repentence and a better understanding of what it means to follow God, and although Christ already bore the punishments for our sins so that we aren't paying the consequences for them, our choice to sin will affect our daily lives and the relationship we have with God, others, and the environment around us. That's a pretty heavy thought. It emphasizes that there is no trivial sin - in both the sense of the seriousness of sin and the consequences of sin.

So after the New Year I am heigh-hoing back to my physical therapist's office with my tail between my legs. I will take her advice and even stop running. I will know that how I choose to treat my back, no matter how trivial the decision seems, will affect my abilities for the rest of my life. There's no more denying that my injury is here to stay.

Evil within Us

Read this article online today on Reuters. Here's an excerpt of it:

LONDON - Elton John has said organized religion should be banned because it promotes homophobia and turns some people into "hateful lemmings."

"I would ban religion completely, even though there are some wonderful things about it," the British singer said in an interview with the Observer newspaper on Sunday.

"Religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people. It turns people into hateful lemmings and it is not really compassionate."

The singer, who tied the knot with long-term partner David Furnish in a civil ceremony last year, said he admired the teachings of Jesus Christ, but disliked religious bodies.

"The reality is that organized religion doesn't seem to work," he added.

Articles like this make me really sad. It's difficult for me to see the church attacked in such a way, because in many cases, the accusations are true. There's a lot of hypocrisy and sin within the church, and too often we don't keep in line with the teachings of Christ as we ought.

I'm reading Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard with Cat and we just finished a chapter on evilness. I'm convinced that one of the barriers for Christians to pursue the character of Christ is our inability to wholly accept and recognize the extent of our fallenness, or as Calvin states, the total depravity of man. There is a certain pride in us that undermines our admittance that we are incapable of goodness and righteousness on our own. This is reflected in our use of the word brokenness: we say we're broken to communicate how our experiences have left us downtrodden and weary, almost implying that we are somehow victims. Yet, brokenness really is talking about the inherent evil within us as a result of the fall. We are not victims to the circumstances we have in life. We have by nature evil within us that inhibits us from worshiping God fully. Willard points out that one of the things that is hardest to swallow about Christianity is the importance it places on the human individual. We are created in the image of God and it is our greatness that makes our evilness so tragic.

For anyone who has talked to me lately, one of my struggles is finding when I compare my "Christian friendships" to my "secular friendships," I find more realness in the secular friendships. This shouldn't be the case! I think it's because a lot of Christians, especially young adults my age, have this expectation of spiritual growth and maturity that becomes a barrier for us to truly accept one another and ourselves for who we are. I feel that too often we put up a front because for the most part, we know right from wrong, and we hate admitting that we can't live up to that. I feel there is a certain superficiality created from this facade of spirituality.

We're broken people. We're fallen. And although we need to spur each other on toward growth and striving for perfection, we need to also accept each other for who we are: broken, fallen, evil people caught between our fallen nature and the glimpse of the Heaven we've received through Christ's blood. If the church can be honest about its brokenness and focus on being sinners supporting each other through the grace of God rather than being this sanctuary of holiness amid an evil world, what a witness that will be!

Random Thoughts

After a crazy month, I'm unable to put real thoughts together - so here's a string of thoughts I currently have:

• God is faithful. Although there's a lot in my life to be thankful for right now, nothing in particular is inspiring me to say this. It's just a renewed sense of trust that I've been feeling lately that He has a plan for me and will be faithful to carry it out.
• One of the women in my small group gave an incredible and inspiring testimony last night. I'm excited about the friendship and trust developing among the women in my small group.
• Relationships are hard. I had a surprisingly difficult conversation last night that still has me in a slight funk. When a normally unemotional person becomes emotional, it really touches my heart.
• Work has been getting busier. I'm really excited about going to DC (as I know I've stated before). My responsibilities at work have also become increasingly more difficult, which both frightens and excites me.
• I'm throwing a baby shower for one of my best friends this weekend. I have no clue what I'm doing as I've never thrown a baby shower before.
• I've been craving cucumbers lately. Hm, strange. I like to sprinkle raw cucumbers with salt and munch on them.
• The Footprints feature on Xanga scares the beejees out of me. Now everyone will know I stalk them!
• I've been listening to Nick Lachey's latest CD. Nick, I know Jessica did a number on you, but your lyrics are a bit on the pathetic end.

November Changes

Grad Schools
Well, I just turned in the last of my recommendations for grad schools so I'm officially done applying. Also, I submitted my fellowship application at midnight last night. Now it's just sit and wait until April. It'll be nice to have a lot more free time to invest in my friends, though!

Finances
For those of you who know me, money's not a huge deal for me. I'd like to think I'm thrifty and careful in spending money, and although I catch myself eyeing expensive and fashionable items, if I don't got the cash, I don't spend it. As grad school becomes more of a reality, I realize I have to start looking at the money I have NOW and start thinking long-term with it. I lost my USB flashdisk on which I kept my budget (and ALL my research, by the way!!), so I had to rework my budget recently. I'm also signing up for a class to better understand and rework my 401k. I realize I have to start saving up for moving costs for grad school and other "grad schooly" things like updated software for my laptop, a nice school bag (my Kenneth Cole bag broke last week), and car fixtures (no way on earth I'm taking my car at its current state if I'm moving somewhere like California). It's a good time to be in a Sunday School class called Money, Money, Money.

Traveling
I also have a lot of traveling to look forward to this month. This weekend I'll be volunteer staffing IVCF's Cross-Training retreat. I'm pretty excited about spending the weekend studying scripture, leading worship, and praying with friends I haven't talked to in awhile. I'm also excited my rooming situation and about getting to know new friends better. =)

I will be making another trip to Washington DC except this time it'll be for business. The trip is from Nov. 15-19, and I'll get to stay at the Marriott. I'll get to see all my friends in DC, plus others who are traveling in from Ann Arbor, San Fran, and New York. It'll be another reunion with people I love, except this time, all expenses paid. I won't get opportunities like this for a long time, so I better enjoy it!

I heart Social Psychology

Today is one of those days when I'm working on my research - either editing finished papers, writing up research proposals, or researching new ideas and topics - and it hits me that I'll be paid to do this someday. I can't wait. =)

dazed and confused

I woke up this morning dazed and confused. I guess the lack of sleep over the weekend really caught up with me and I ended up calling in sick this morning and slept like a log till 10:30 AM. I've been at work for a few hours now. Work is beginning to pile up and I still feel in a funk. Hmm...there was a GRE word I learned to describe that hazy funk...what was it? Not torpid.... I don't remember.

I had sushi for lunch today. Those big pieces of tempura shrimp are my favorite. Yum.

Can't believe Enoch's wedding is this Saturday. I echo Tamster's apprehensions about seeing everyone again. I still remember back in middle school when I used to stay up till 1 AM (soooo late back then) playing N64 with him while Esther watched and ate canned peaches on the couch. Then there were the millions of times I made Esther watch "While You Were Sleeping" with me. Ha - those were the days. I remember when Jean, Esther and I would bike to the mall and buy matching everything - Jean's in purple, Esther's in blue, and mine in green or brown, depending on my mood. Our families and Brian's family used to go camping together - once we got lost in Smokey Mountains for 9 hours and got so thirsty that we drank dirty creek water. It's amazing how far I've drifted from them. Now the only one I keep in touch with is Brian and he skipped town and moved to Chicago without telling me (yes, Brian, I'm still bitter about that). Yes, I'm apprehensive about Saturday, but I'm also excited about seeing everyone again.

Anyway, since Angel was sweet enough to compliment the pictures I took at the park this weekend, I'll post some for your enjoyment. I have to admit that autumn is still not my favorite season (although it certainly beats Michigan winters), but having a camera does cause it to be more enjoyable:

I've been dying to try out my new circular polarizing lens filter






Metro Park in Dexter

I wanna go out tonight...

I've been listening to the song "Out Tonight" on the RENT soundtrack, and it reflects my current sentiments to a tee (minus the sexual innuendos). As I'm making progress on my fellowship application, I realize that I haven't been out with my friends in a while outside of the weekly viewings of Veronica Mars and Grey's Anatomy. I've been feeling really emotional and angsty, and the Asian side of me is feeling victimized and abandoned by the people around me in Ann Arbor. So finally I decided to step out from wallowing in self-pity and have a few things to look forward to this week:

1. Dancing at LIVE with my girls G. and L.
2. Apple orchard if it doesn't rain on Saturday
3. Taking pictures with S. when the weather is nice

Other things I want to do with my girls before Christmas:

1. Spend a day at Frankenmuth
2. Outlet shopping at Birch Run
3. Girl's night out at a martini bar

Also, I was pleased to find that my gym moved up their Yoga classes to half hour earlier, meaning that I'll be able to make it to classes again and still be able to watch my TV shows. =) I'm pleased as pie.

On another note, I've been reading through Leviticus this week as a result of Sunday School homework. We're examining the tenants of worship as outlined in the book and discussing what they cost the Israelites. I noticed a few things while studying.

First, in order to follow the rules of cleanliness, etc, worship really has to be a priority for the Israelites over productivity or anything else. Holiness comes before anything else: if the Israelites touched something unclean or had a disease, they would have to put everything aside and follow the cleansing rituals. This is such a visual demonstration of the holiness of God and the isolation that results from sin. Also, the idea of engraving the law on our hearts take on a whole new meaning when following the law is so salient for society as a whole. In the world we live in today, it's so easy to fall into believing God is irrelevant to our lives and forgetting about Him outside Sundays or prayers of desperation. Although as a whole, I do not envy the laws and regulations the Israelites had to follow, but I do envy the constant focus on God they result in.

Secondly, God provided the Israelites with wealth and asked them to put it towards sacrifices and the tabernacle. The tabernacle is created with their most precious metals and gems, while burnt offerings consisted of the finest animals and grain. Although the priests were able to partake in some of the offering for food, the choicest part of the animals (organs, fat) were burnt and not to be eaten. It made me think about the heart with which I give. I always want to know where my money is going and only give toward something that I feel will benefit this world the best. But here, the Israelites' gifts aren't "doing" anything. Have we lost sight of worshiping God as an end to itself? I feel that I have.

Tired and Grumpy

I find myself tired and grumpy these days. The stress of running a research study and trying to publish a paper while applying for grad schools/fellowships and working full-time is finally getting to me. I find myself discouraged about my research abilities from even the slightest hiccup in anything that I'm doing, which stinks because it seems that almost everything I do during the weekday is research related. This discouragement is affecting my self-confidence which in turn affects my relationships. Grrrrr. I've been really bad about taking time to recharge.

I guess one thing I've learned is that life is never going to get less busy, no matter what I do. Taking time to recharge is something that I need to learn to do now rather than wait for that "someday" when everything will die down. Because it won't die down. And if I don't learn to sit still and enjoy life amid the craziness, next thing I know I'll be old and senile and have wasted my entire life waiting for that "someday."

Good news is that my fellowship application is due at the beginning of November. I'm also done with grad school applications. I just keep reminding myself that in 3 weeks, I'll be done with applications and anything else with a deadline for loooong time!

Thoughts from a Red Wings Game

Yesterday at work I get a call from my beau: "Yo, I got tickets for one of those executive suites through work for tonight's Red Wing's game. Wanna go?"

Not only have I been wanting to go to a hockey game, I was thrilled to get to sit in one of those executive boxes. I cancelled my plans for the evening and was on my way to Joe Louis Arena by 5:45. We arrived there and received VIP treatment: parking in the "full" garage while everyone else had to park a ways away, getting to ride up on the special elevators to the executive suites, eating a catered dinner with yummy drinks and chatting with schmoozers clad in business suits while everyone else in the arena munched on peanuts and drank $5 bottles of Miller Lite.

I didn't think anything of it until the company let us walk down to the rink and sit in the 7th row behind the opposing team's goal. That's when I realized how drab the executive suite was. Here in the stadium seats was the action. Here, you could hear the players yell for each other, watch the ice spray as they skid across the ice, hear the puck slap against the side of the rink (whatever the terminology is). Here you could hear the cheers, witness the speed at which the players were skating, and actually feel the excitement of the game resonate through your body.

I wonder, why would anyone want to pay for an executive suite?? The rink was so far away that you might as well be watching it on television at home, you can't hear the cheers, you don't get to experience the disgusting goodness of arena food, and half the people in the suite care more about the booze and schmooze than the game anyway. You're so high above everyone else - so ISOLATED. It's amazing how much money we pay to be isolated from the real world - is it a status thing?

I walked away thinking that I hope I never lose touch with the real world. I hope I will never be consumed with the desire for status and isolation from the common and the human. Give me the nosebleed section anytime! I hope I'm never rich.

Seasonal Shopping

It's autumn and I realize I have no clothes for the fall. For some bizarre reason, I can't find the box of sweaters I put away last spring so I bought a few tops I can wear until I find that box.

Although I love shoes and bags, I have a hard time justifying purchasing new ones since I feel that accessories come second to basic clothing. But...I realize the brown shoes I've been wearing for the last 4 years are fraying and the black shoes are so worn down that I'm getting blisters on the soles of my feet, so I sucked it up and purchased these on zappos.com:

Steve Madden's NY Oliesa

and Nine West Fadashia

I haven't bought winter shoes with higher heels in a long time (I usually buy 2 inch heels or kitten heels), but they're supposed to be really really comfortable and easy to walk in according to the customer reviews.

Now all that's left on my shopping list is a nice dress I can wear to fall/winter weddings and the Toyota Christmas Ball (I don't think that's the official name but that's what I'm calling it).

10 Simple Pleasures

I was tagged by Catsi...so I guess people DO read my blog. Anyway here goes:

1. Going home on a sunny day after a full day of work
2. Having a clean apartment with a fridge full of food
3. Spending a day in the park with my camera
4. Getting a bear hug
5. Checking off items on my to-do list in my planner
6. Watching a good TV show/movie with good friends then discussing it afterwards
7. Sniffing warm towels fresh out of the dryer
8. Drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows
9. Finding and eating a good bag of gummy bears (where green = apple and red = strawberries) ;P
10. Taking a shower after a great workout

Hmm...who to tag (who hasn't been tagged yet):
ThePrefixAstro, brianchiang, AzN_homeboy, taitcha, lizaroo, Muchacha737
Write your own list and tag 10 more (I know I only tagged 6, but I don't have many blogging friends who I know read this...)

Portable Wealth

More thoughts from Sunday school.

So this past Sunday we talked about Abraham and his wealth. The question was, is our wealth portable?

My first reaction was, yeah, I have a bank account and am not a homeowner. However, as my table continued discussing what exactly wealth was, we realized that it includes social connections as well as education and experiences. That made me start to think: I've spend the last 4 years of my life investing time, energy, and money into my Psych education. Almost all of my decisions has been based on pursuing a PhD in the field - my current job and location is based solely on my career aspirations.

So...if God told me to take these past 4 years of time and monetary investments and to move to a completely new field to serve Him - could I do it? Although I want to say I could, at this point, I'm not sure I can honestly answer yes. It'll be something I have to wrestle with for a bit...

for the love of money...

Can't believe it's almost time for open enrollment for my benefits next year. I keep forgetting it's the end of September. It seems like just last week my supervisor and I were gushing over pictures of her daughters' homecoming. Apparently homecoming is coming up again in a few weeks!

I'm taking the money class for my Sunday school class this fall. One thing I love about how James P. is teaching the class is that he's not focusing so much on money itself, but seeing money as a representation/symbol of our relationship with the world around us. Last week we studied the fall in Genesis and how it severed our relationship with God (no longer walking with Him in the garden), each other (blaming one another), and God's creations (blaming the serpent, kicked out of garden, cursed to toil the earch). We studied how the end of chapter 2 described Adam adoring Eve and contrasted it against the end of chapter 4 with Lamech going home to two wives and boasting about the young man he killed. One thing I can take away from this is praying about how my attitude/use of money reveals my heart. For example, spending more than what's reasonable on fashionable clothing may represent placing my identity on appearance rather than in the Lord, pride and judgement against others, and contributing to the degradation of our environment through purchasing materials that aren't made from or processed by enviro-friendly methods. I dunno - I guess that's simplified a bit. Still, I'm excited about where this class is headed. This week we're studying the life of Abraham and how most of his life seems to (surprisingly) revolve around the accumulation of wealth.

Appropriately, last week's Time Magazine's cover story was about Christians who believe that blessings from God equals monetary riches. It makes me realize how our understanding of God is often so flawed and influenced still by the world around us.

One thing I learned on Sunday that I never noticed before is that God purposely took Adam through a journey of realizing his lack of a partner before providing him with Eve. I think that's kinda neat. I feel God often works that way: He has us realize our own needs before He provides us with the answer. I think that's why growing in our Christian walk is so difficult: before fully realizing our blessings, we must first experience what's void in lives without God.

"Spiritual Sundays"

I went skydiving on Saturday. Here are some pictures.

Having Church, Sunday School, and small group all on the same day is great - except come Monday I realize that I have a lot of "topics" to process through and have to focus on one at a time throughout the week.

Topic 1: Making Life Work
Pastor Chuck has been preaching through Ecclesiastes. This week's sermon was on Ecc 1:12-18 . His point, I believe, is that most of us are involved in the pursuit of "making life work." We accumulate knowledge and wisdom (through the media, books, school, each other) to find ways to make our lives "work". However, greater knowledge usually comes with a greater realization of our ignorance, and solutions to our problems may generate even greater problems. The reason that Ecclesiastes states "What is twisted cannot be straightened; what is lacking cannot be counted" is because we're never meant to be able to fix everything and achieve our "ideal life" through knowledge. Pursuing knowledge to this end is futile; if knowledge can solve our problems, we have no need for God.

I find that I spend a lot of my time reading magazines and newspapers to figure out how to practically arrange my schedule and lead my life from day to day. I have this idea in my head of what it will be like to live an ideal life. My language is usually filled with the phrase "I should." However, when I follow the schedule I create for myself, I tire out and start losing control over my life. Instead of getting angry at myself, I need to realize that my focus shouldn't be on what is the ideal life; it should be on living for God. Of course God values self-discipline and self-control, but instead of focusing on what I should and shouldn't be doing, I need to focus on the mission of God and how to honor Him and serve Him best with my time. Sometimes it means taking care of myself and doing things I enjoy, sometimes it means serving His church. I need to stop trying to be this ideal person living in this ideal life, and start praying about who God has created me to be and how I can best live for Him.

Pictures from DC

Baby Tai Shan trying to get to his mommy


Still trying...


There he goes.


Random giraffe

For the rest of the pictures:
Labor Day Pictures 1
Labor Day Pictures 2

Labor Day Weekend in D.C.

What a crazy vacation. I'll post pictures later!

Friday

• Flew into D. C. through the outskirts of Hurricane Ernesto - the plane was rocking back and forth even after we landed!
• Learned the wonders of the D.C. Metro system and learning about cool security things from Mel
• Lilly's goodbye party at Mel and Andy's

Saturday

• Deezy makes it to Mel and Andy's!
• Watching the Michigan football game with a bar full of Michigan alums
• Breaking my resolution to eat healthier by ordering nachos, chicken strips and beer for breakfast
• Sleeping through the 3rd quarter (I'm just not a football fan!)
• Shopping around Georgetown and rockin' the Labor Day Weekend sales with the gang and Audrey
• Grocery shopping with Mel, Andy and Deezy
• Trying very hard with Deezy to stay away from sweets
• Ended up giving in to BBQ chips and ice cream
• Cuddling up all together to watch a movie

Sunday

• National Mall with my girls: Hope diamond, Washington monument, Capitol Building, World War II Memorial, Lincoln Memorial, Korean War Memorial, World War I Memorial, White House. (We tired out and gave up before getting to Jefferson and FDR)
• Crossing the border to Virginia
• Shopping at a HUUUUUGE DSW store and getting boots for $6
• Watching Friends bloopers
• Andy joins us at the bar
• Missed the last metro back to D.C. so instead taking the cab

Monday

• Meeting up with Christine and John at the zoo
• Baby panda, baby elephant, and other animals
• Sushi for lunch
• Visiting the Embassies
• Packing and plane ride home

Still trying to get my apartment together since I haven't really felt settled back home for over 2 weeks now. Work is picking up and I'm literally swamped with paperwork - yesterday I gave up working at the desk, pushed my chair aside, and just worked on the floor of my cubicle!

Murphy's Law

This has been an incredibly stressful week!! God is faithful, and things are falling into place...although a bit more last-minute than I would prefer! 3 applications in! I'm 1/3 done!! =)

Leaving for D.C. in 2 hours...this is NOT a good time to start feeling sick!!

End of Summer

Hard to believe that students are almost all moved in. It's unbelievable how busy the streets are now in downtown Ann Arbor as compared to, say, Monday.

What a strange feeling, to see move-in yet not have the stress of NSO and other IV events. (By the way, if you ARE on campus and reading this, you should attend some awesome InterVarsity events!) At the same time the emotional stress of the last two weeks finally caught up with me and I've wanted to do nothing but sleep the last two days. But did I sleep this week? Of course not. With a visit from a dear friend and two girls' nights out this week, I'm still sleepy. And this weekend I'll be seeing more friends in D.C. So excited!!

I submitted my first grad school application this month. It's an exciting yet scary feeling! One down, eight more to go. I'm feeling more and more excited and confident - I don't know which schools I'll actually get into, but at least I gave it a shot. I miss being in school - and a year from now, I'll be a student again!!

Maybe I did over-prepare...

The first of my grad school online applications opened up this past week and I decided to fill it out to see how long it takes...

With my personal statements already written earlier this month, and all my recommendations lined up, I found myself ready to press the "submit" button within 15 minutes.

Are you kidding me??? I had to have missed something!