Road Trip

Finally (somewhat) settled in Austin! Here are pics of our trip down.
First stop: Kokomo, IN where Richard was born.

My old school:

Richard was excited to find the same VBS program elsewhere:

Richard's birthplace:

Our old apartment:

Our old house:

My dad's old workplace:

Stop 2: My aunt's house near St. Louis, MO

My crazy cousin:

Us in front of her house:

Stop 3: Graceland in Memphis, TN

Elvis' kitchen:

His living room:

Trophy room:

Grave:

Stop 4: Arlington, TX

My first home:

I don't have pics of Fort Worth, TX (my birthplace) and Austin because my camera may have broken. =(

Moving!

In less than 12 hours I will be on the road to Austin...

Music and Lyrics

"2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song / If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me / Threatening the life it belongs to / And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd / Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud" ~Anna Nalick, Breathe (2 AM)

I've never been particularly talented at expressing myself through words and music. Rewinding back to the last few years of high school and even through the first few years of college, I was so angsty and desperate to let my emotions out that I made a few paltry attempts at song-writing. Looking back, the superficial lyrics and melodies masked a depth that I couldn't seem tap into myself.

I envy those who are in touch with their emotions. I envy those who can put their stories to music. When it's done well, when I hear a particularly personal perfomance, I feel this stirring in my heart.

Maybe one day I'll be able to tap into my life and come up with beautiful music and lyrics. Till then I'll content myself with listening to others.

Current obsessions: Bon Jovi "You Want to (Make a Memory)," Taylor Swift "Teardrops on my Guitar," Kelly Clarkson "Sober."

Home-stretch

I'm looking forward to sleeping when I get to Novi.

Moving really stinks - I'm having a really tough time packing. This week:

• Monday: lunch at Cosi, putt-putt with small group
• Tuesday: lunch at Jerusalem Gardens, babysitting (one last time)
• Wednesday: lunch at Zingerman's Roadhouse
• Thursday: maybe movie at Michigan theater, Backroom Pizza, one last evening of randomness around downtown Ann Arbor and campus
• Friday: goodbye party at work, dinner at Blue Nile
• Saturday: Farmer's Market at 7 AM (!!) finish packing, dinner at Seva, drinks at Rush Street or Bar Louie
• Sunday: move!

Of course with every move, things seem to go wrong. Like I think there may be a dead mouse stuck somewhere in the oven. Or that my rearview mirror fell off and I can't seem to fix it! Or that half of outlets in my house short-circuited this morning and I have to find the circuit board thing.

I'm also trying to finish Harry Potter book seven before I have to return it to my friend tomorrow. I'm on page 200, read between the hours of 11 and 1 AM last night...

Crazilicious Month

My last three weeks in Ann Arbor:

1. Lunch everyday with old friends
2. Training my replacement at work
3. 5 goodbye parties
4. 2 Cedar Point trips
5. 2 yoga classes a week with this amazing instructor
6. 2 birthdays
7. 1 day at Art Fair
8. 1 final babysitting gig for my surrogate nephew

scenes from my vacation

Vacation

This is where I'll be all next week. =)

Yogic Meditations

Yesterday, we ended our yoga practice meditating on how to love and accept ourselves as well as people who have wronged us. We practiced the act of forgiveness. The instructor told the class that the meditation might not seem real at first, that we may not feel the emotion of forgiving, but we must commit to going through the motions and hope that grace will allow our emotions to catch up with the motions.

Sound familiar? I remember being taught this in Sunday school about not only forgiveness, but prayer and worship. If yogis can practice this without the Spirit of God, I can definitely commit to obedient acts of prayer and worship toward God and trust that God will grant me the grace of allowing my emotions and feelings to catch up with my actions.

We ended with a mantra spoken toward someone who had wronged us:
May you be safe and protected
May you be free from suffering
May you be healthy and strong
May you be able to live in this world happily, peacefully and with joy

I didn't like this mantra so I found myself repeating instead:

May God keep you safe and protected
May He carry you through suffering
May He keep you healthy and strong
May God grant you His happiness, His peace and His joy

poor cat, poor me

Fat cat got an infection from a horrid spider bite so I took her to the animal ER. Poor thing was shaking from getting her blood drawn and from the trauma of the whole visit. We got back around midnight and I decided to let her share my bed as a pity gift. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep a wink last night as she thought it was a great idea to keep stepping on me to cross sides of the bed.

shame

after yesterday's sermon, i realize i live with a constant feeling of shame. i wonder how much of it is from never really dealing with my cultural identity crisis.

My Summer Thus Far

Well, technically isn't summer yet, but it's been warm and sunny.

I leave Ann Arbor in less than 2 months, yet I'm so excited for the 2 months to come. We started interviewing for my replacement at work this week, making my move seem more real. I've been up to a lot of nothing it seems. I'm taking full advantage of my library card and have been reading and watching DVDs like mad. I've also been baby-sitting a lot since sadly, I won't get to witness little Bubs growing up after my move.

Things I'm looking forward to:

• Sunning by the pool this weekend
• Cedar Point
• The annual Kiss My Vacation - this year at Hocking Hills
• Company picnic at the Tiger's game
• Road trip to Austin

Things I've yet to plan:

• Meals at: Jerusalem Garden, Zingerman's Roadhouse, Blue Nile
• Karaoke
• Trip to the beach

It'll be a good summer. =)

My Surrogate Nephew

Much Needed Rest

I sprained my ankle running to third during softball last night. Now I'm on crutches for the weekend. It's probably a sign that I've been over-working and over-exercising when I'm relieved at the thought of being off my feet for a few days, although I'm bummed this may interfere with small group putt-putt and Memorial Day BBQ activities.

The Beginnings of Goodbyes

Goodbyes for 2007 have officially begun. 2 of my friends are moving this weekend. One of them has become a dear friend over the last year. I met Katie through M and we immediately clicked. I probably laugh more with her than anyone else. She's moving to Berkeley for her PhD and I wonder if we'll keep in touch. Neither of us are good at it, and both have tendencies to embrace new lives and forget old friends.

So tonight we're going out for sushi and drinks then I start saying goodbye to friends for the next 2 1/2 months. =(

Me and K at Frankenmuth:

Neither pop nor soda

In the Midwest it's called pop. The East Coast christened it soda. I've taken to using pop and soda interchangeably in case I ever move out of the Midwest.

This weekend in Austin I decided to treat myself to a Diet Pepsi (I gave up caffeine). I asked for a pop. Blank stare. I asked for a soda. Blank stare again. I hesitantly ordered a coke. "What kind?" was the answer I received.

On another note, my car Vinnie who I've started calling "Old Faithful," was not this morning. Apparently after being faithful for the last 4 years, the battery and alternator chose to die overnight. Half a missed day of work later, I rued the fact that I had to plunk down a few Franklin's for a car I'll only be driving for 2 1/2 more months.

Jackpot

I absolutely love Austin.

It was a little rough getting in with storms and delays, but today was sunny and the temperature was in the 80s. I rented a little white Hyundai Accent and blasted country music as I drove around town.

It's been a productive day. I'm pretty sure I found a place to live. I also met with my advisor and have some ideas for the fall. I chatted with some grad students that I met during my interview here and found out that basically all the apartments I was looking at were in very dangerous areas of Austin (think guns and prostitutes) - hence the cheap prices. So I think I'll stick with the 2 roommates in the condominum where mommies stroll around their babies at night. I'll drive by this evening just to make sure the area is safe on a Friday night.

So since that eliminated most of the apartments I was going to look at today (I'm still looking at 3 tomorrow - just in case), I drove around and got to know the roads better - to the point where I can get to some places without a map. Oh, did I mention I learned to read a map for this trip? I did a drop-in class at a Yoga studio I found online and absolutely LOVED it. It is so much better than the studio I attend in Ann Arbor. Definitely thinking about joining in the fall.

I also spent some time looking up churches online. I found Austin Stone Church off the UT Intervarsity website, and liked what I saw. It's a mobile church with solid values and doctrine and a plethora of community groups focused on post-undergrad young adults both single and married. There's also a strong focus on theological training as well as missions and church-planting. I learned all this before I found out that the worship leader was CHRIS TOMLIN. Of course I still have to check the church out, and having someone so well-known could have its drawbacks, but I feel like I just hit jackpot.

Austin Weekend

I've been at my job for 2 full years as of today. Time flies.

Going to Austin this weekend to look for housing. The trip is slowly coming together. I get into town on Thursday night. Friday I'm looking at possibly 5 places and having lunch with my advisor. That evening, I may catch a yoga class at a local studio, watch the rerun of Grey's Anatomy, and then I'll relax like I'm on vacation. Saturday I've got appointments set up with 3 apartments (and may add more if I don't like any I see on Friday), then I'm catching my flight back to Ann Arbor that afternoon.

I'm very thankful for my AAA membership as they threw me a bunch of maps and a tourguide yesterday free of charge.

Weather there is supposed to be 80 degrees with isolated t-storms. I was hoping for a little more sun.

Last night...

those of us in small group were coming from different places. Some of us were grieving over a loss of a friend/acquaintance. Some of us were happy and hyper. Some of us were stressed over school. And some of us were just having a bad day. But from our different places, we were able to come together to worship. It was beautiful.

*****

In light of recent events, I've been thinking about how important it is to be vulnerable and open up to my friends. When I get frustrated, I have a tendency toward self-pity and think the world doesn't understand me. But I'm finding as I open up more that although my friends don't always understand exactly where I'm coming from, they love me enough to try to understand and they accept me with no strings attached. I love my friends.

Fun in the Sun

I spent the last 2 days outside and I am sore and my back is completely sunburned. It was well worth it. I had a delightful afternoon yesterday with my small group. We had a picnic in the park and played ultimate and other outdoor activities. I mowed the lawn for the first time as well.

Saturday night my friend M went out dancing for the first time since she had her baby. We've hung out plenty since she got pregnant, but hanging out usually consists of making food and watching a movie at home. The few outings we've had included walks in her neighborhood and venturing to the mall, all with baby in tow. Saturday the girls and I went to Live at PJs sans baby. Halfway through the night I glanced at M and her face positively glowed. It made me happy.

...still snowing...

It's mid-April and still snowing. That's Michigan for you.

I went home for Easter and uncovered a lot of old CDs I used to listen to in high school. You remember the good old days of MWS, Amy Grant, Jars of Clay? Since my musical taste has changed drastically since middle school/high school, I decided to go through all my old CDs again. I'm currently listening to Sixpence None The Richer (their self-titled album) and am surprised by how much I still like them.

I'm still sleepy. So sleepy I slept through my alarm till 8:45 AM and was late for work again. I went to kick-boxing class for the first time yesterday and was really close to blacking out by the end of it. That's what I get for eating dinner one hour before kick-boxing. I guess I'm in shape in terms of Yoga-like sports, but am doing bad in the cardio department. I'll try again next week - but eat a bigger lunch and hold off on dinner until after the class. I've got my first softball practice tonight for the church team (Knox Sox?!?) and then am keeping off my feet tomorrow. My arm is still swollen although it's a little better today than it was yesterday.

M's baby finally learned to smile and coo at me. He took awhile to start doing that since I'm the only Asian face he ever sees. I got so excited I spun him around violently in circles. He cooed more before emptying the entire contents of his dinner on me. I guess I deserve that after pointing and laughing at his parents when he'd spit up or pee on them over the last 4 months.

Tetanus Shot

I got a tetanus booster Monday afternoon and it really hurt. Today I woke up and my right shoulder is twice the size of my left shoulder. I iced it with a cold can of Pepsi at work and received strange looks from my colleagues.

I read that redness and swelling is normal after the vaccine and should only last 1-2 days. Other side-effects that accompany the vaccine include slight temperature, headaches, and extreme fatigue, all of which I'm experiencing. I struggled through Yoga last night before deciding to treat myself to a 50 cent movie at the dollar theater. I almost fell asleep during the movie. (I watched The Queen - it was pretty good!) I got home around 10ish and instead of reading as I often do before bed, I collapsed into bed and fell asleep. I still managed to sleep in this morning. I wish I could sleep it off for a day, but I'm out of sick days till May.

Hopefully I'll be more up and at 'em within a few days.

On another note, I may be heading to Austin one of the first few weekends in May to look at housing. I've got a couple good leads (including living with a girl who's getting a PhD in Counseling Psych) and am excited to check them out. Anyone interested in coming with?

Housing in Texas

I'm not much of a procrastinator, but I've been putting off looking for housing in Texas. As this is completely out of character for me to put off planning ahead, I asked my friend J why I was procrastinating. She responded that it's because looking for housing makes the move seem real and this does two things: it moves my future life forward although I physically can't move forward for another 4 months and it makes more salient the fact that I'm moving across the country...by myself.

Today, I started looking for housing in Texas. Despite all my claims of wanting to live by myself during grad school, I emailed my future colleagues to see if any of them were looking for housemates. I don't expect to hear back that soon, and in the meantime I made some calls to cheaper apartment complexes around the campus to inquire about their singles (I'm to call back in June). But I find myself checking my email every 5 minutes hoping that the current grad students have opening in their apartments. To my surprise, I much rather live with others than live alone. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I've been watching the first season of Grey's Anatomy and I've romanticized what it would be like to have roommates again. Maybe it's because I'm currently writing a paper on the fear of loneliness. Maybe I'm realizing that money is scarce during grad school and I really should live with others to save on utilities and the likes.

I really hope I hear back from them soon.

Little Victories

I've been getting into fights with the cat every morning. This cat is, as Josh from my small group describes, a long-haired cuddle-whore. A long-haired aggressive cuddle-whore. Not kidding you. I walk out from the bathroom and it rolls belly-up, begging for attention. If I ignore it, it whimpers nonstop all morning, jumps on the dining room table and sits on any magazine or books I happen to be reading. Even if I move the reading material around on the table, it follows it around and plops back down. When I'm scooping food into the food dish, it'll try to nuzzle my arm, knocking food out of the scooper every time. And it's a purring machine. If I'm not careful to shut it out of the bedroom every night, it wakes me up with the purring at 4, then 5 AM - if the purring doesn't do it, it'll simply sit on my face. I hate it when it rubs my legs while I'm wearing yoga pants because the pants are like lint magnets. The cat clearly knows my feelings about its hair and my pants, but 2 days ago it still ran figure eights around my legs like it was on steroids. I wake up dreading the cat some mornings.

But I woke up this morning and felt more myself than I have since...maybe July?

I realize there are a lot of things I can complain about lately, but one of the things I'm going to try to is to really take hold of the little victories in my life and see them as blessings and gifts.

Like although the darned cat is a cuddle-whore, I don't have to go home to an empty house. Or like yesterday, my stylist was running late at the Aveda Institute, so they moved me to the actual Douglas J. salon to get my hair cut by a real stylist at the Institute price. Or that I lost my wallet and my phone, and they were both recovered quickly. Or that I was running late to work this morning but managed to snag the last parking spot in the parking structure that was covered, so I don't have to worry about de-icing my car after work. Or that I've been craving a Christian community and not only is my small group awesome, I've been invited to join the church softball team this week. Or that a stray copy of Marie Claire (fashion magazines are one of my guilty pleasures) ended up in my mail.

Little things add up. And I'm determined to take hold of all the little victories in my life and appreciate them at their fullest from here on out.

Isn't it amazing how one conversation can make you feel so insignificant?

Away from it all

To save money, I opted not to have Internet or television at my house over the summer, and let me tell you, it's glorious!

I figure, I'm in front of the computer 8 hours a day during the workweek, and I can always hop in the car and head to a coffee shop if I'm desperate for Internet. If I'm desperate to watch TV, I can pop in a DVD into my laptop or go to friends' houses. So far I've been okay, granted it's been less than a week and I haven't spent a weekend at home yet. Also, I've been home very little this week.

It's nice to go home and just have silence. I think at my old apartment I got into the habit of turning on the television as soon as I got home for background noise. Now, I go home to complete silence. Just from this week, I found my concentration has improved and I'm sleeping a bit more soundly.

I could get used to this.

Withdrawal

I caught an episode of Martha Stewart where the guest star emphasized that any kind of carbonated soft drink causes women's bones to brittle. That, and along with the warnings about aspartame, I thought it would be a good idea to give up soft drinks for good.

At this point I'm not addicted to caffeine, but I miss the taste. Believe it or not, I'm craving a diet, caffeine free soda. Resist, Tracy, resist.

House-Sitting

It's strange to be in a house that's not my own.

But I'm starting to like it. At first it was a bit big for me and empty, but when I got ready for bed, the 2 cats snuggled up next to me and I no longer felt alone.

The house is strangely decorated and although there are window treatments, the windows don't have curtains that close or blinds. As I was getting ready for bed, I kept thinking of the Drew Barrymore scene in Scream and got pretty freaked out. Luckily, the house isn't in the middle of nowhere, but since I'm off a major road, I have no neighbors facing me, making it seem like the house looks out into a dark abyss at night. Also, since I'm used to my apartment complex turning up the heat to 80 degrees year round, it was shocking to wake up to a 65 degree house this morning. Even more shocking is the fog-horn-sounding alarm on the alarm clock. I got up probably an hour earlier than I have the last 2 months and rolled into work before my superviser this morning. I'm carefully conserving water and heat at the new house, not only because of watching the documentary An Inconvenient Truth, but also because the owners of the house are paying for my utilities. The drawback? I don't have Internet at the home anymore.

This week is the last of my busy weeks for awhile, I hope. Goal for the week is to schedule my medical appointments, clean my old apartment and turn in the keys, and finish unpacking at the new house.

Goodbye Apartment

My apartment has no furniture. It's strange that it can have no furniture and still feel like home. Tonight I sleep on a mattress in an empty bedroom and tomorrow I move into a 2 bedroom house that I will house-sit till the end of July.

My parents made fun of how nostalgic I'm getting but it's the longest I've ever lived anywhere in Ann Arbor. 13 months - not that long at all. But the only space I've had longer is my cubicle at work. That, and the LSA Student Government office, but I was only there 2-3 days a week.

Goodbye first home, goodbye.

Updates

Finalize decision on grad school and all relevant paperwork
Pack up my apartment, clean it, and putty up the walls
Take pictures of and sell my furniture on Craigslist
Sort through all my clothes, books and CDs and donate extra stuff
Change my addresses on my bills/credit cards and forward my mail
Cancel my utilities
Get a blue parking pass from the University for April through end of July
Turn 23 ;)

I had a good birthday. Friday night after work we went to the Firefly Club for some Dixieland Jazz followed by a gathering at the Heidelberg. Played photohunt and darts. Good times. Sunday I got my free lunch at Cottage Inn, then went to South U to get free Bubble Tea and Stucchi's ice cream. My parents took me out to dinner at a new Taiwanese restaurant (I think it's called Asian Legend by Thompson and William). I finished off the evening with watching "The Lives of Others" (won the Oscar for best foreign film - it was a great movie!) and getting more free Stucchi's on State Street. Oh yes, and my small group made me "cwaffles" which is cake batter cooked in a wafflemaker and served with frosting.

I got some pretty silver jewelry from my girls as well as some birthday money that I used to buy some yoga clothes (I've been using the same outfit I've had since freshman year of college) as well as some rock climbing gear so I don't have to keep renting that stuff. Also, I got enough cashback from my Discover card to double my rewards and will use it to buy myself a watch. The Limited sent me some birthday gift cards along with Express, and I used those to buy myself a pair of jeans (I finally wore down my last pair) and sunglasses (I lost my last pair in Chicago). I like being practical about my gifts!

I think I'm officially done with the "keep positive" part of the move and am just cranky now. Part of it I bet is because I haven't had time to cook so I'm eating junk all the time. Last night for dinner, I ate a piece of cheesecake, some ice cream, and half a bag of pretzels. Needless to say, I woke up feeling awful today. I did cook lunch/dinner to last me 2 days so hopefully eating better will help.

It's crazy to think that my apartment will be empty by Sunday. From the looks of things, it'll be a miracle if I can see the carpet again!

Southern Girl at Heart

It's been decided. Unless something goes horribly wrong, I'm moving to Texas in August!!! I admit I visited Austin thinking that it was just going to be a fun visit, but I ended up falling in love with the program there. =) I love the laid-back atmosphere, the colors of the buildings, the live music, the 300 days of sunshine. Texas is my birthstate - and now I can finally call myself a true Texan. I'm no less than estatic. =)

It's SUNNY in Ann Arbor! I think this is my favorite time of year in Michigan. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the weather is (relatively) warm. I love how when I visited North Carolina or Texas, people had winter coats on if it was 65 degrees out. It's only 40 degrees out in Michigan, and people have on their shorts and t-shirts tanning in the sun!

Now that my grad school decision is out of the way, it's time to concentrate on the here and now. I've sold my loveseat and kitchen cart. I still have to sell my sofa as well as a few pieces of furniture I have yet to post on Craigslist. Life's been busy with work, trying to wrap up the Psych data I collected last semester, keeping up with my hobbies (yoga, pilates, rock-climbing) and hanging out with friends and family as much as possible before I leave Ann Arbor in 4 months. I admit I'm a bit tired of being in this transitional phase in life, but I'm trying to enjoy every moment of it.

I shall leave you with a few pictures of my future home:

March Goals

I'm so sleepy!! I just feel lke there's so much to do and I still haven't recovered from traveling (and making life decisions). I hear of people traveling at least 200 days out of the year - I don't know how they do it! Maybe I'm just weak. =)

Anyway, there's a lot to do this coming month. I think I'm going to be like Lisa and make a list:

1. Finalize decision on grad school and all relevant paperwork
2. Pack up my apartment, clean it, and putty up the walls
3. Take pictures of and sell my furniture on Craigslist
4. Sort through all my clothes, books and CDs and donate extra stuff to Salvation Army (Actually with all my stuff, it may not be a bad idea to try selling them at a yard sale this summer)
5. Change my addresses on my bills/credit cards and forward my mail
6. Cancel my utilities
7. Get a blue parking pass from the University for April through end of July
8. Turn 23 ;)

And looking ahead to April:

1. Clean my car, get the engine checked, oil changed, windshield replaced
2. Price my car and sell it
3. Learn to drive a stick
4. Buy a used car (5 speed manual, I've decided)
5. Get my hair cut
6. Draft a job posting to find a replacement for me at work

Through all this, God's been providing for me in awesome ways:

1. Already I've had 2 people who've expressed interest in buying my car, duct tape and all
2. I found a place to stay for the summer - I'll be house-sitting from March 25 to July 30 and paying next to nothing in rent
3. Financially things have been tight since I haven't been reimbursed for any of my trips. Amazingly, I checked my bank account today and I'm still in the black without the reimbursements!
4. I also am getting an upgrade on my laptop for free! (even though I really don't need one, but it's a blessing nonetheless since my current laptop will probably last me only 3-4 more years whereas grad school is a 5-6 year program).
5. I also have an amazing small group who are continuously praying for me and lending me their ear about decisions and where to go (half of them are in grad school already)

I've been faithfully using my Franklin Covey planner since freshman year of college, but am contemplating a switch to an electronic PDA. For those of you who keep busy schedules or are in school, have you found the Palm to be more effective than a paper planner? I'm thinking of switching to a) save money (I wouldn't have to buy refills year after year), and b) improve mobility (my paper planner won't fit into my purse). Any suggestions?

Done with Traveling!!

I got back yesterday from the last of my school visits. I had some great interviews, 1 horrid one, but thankfully things ended on a high note.

It's really neat to visit different regions of the country knowing that I have the choice of moving there this fall. I'm really glad I ended up going to all the places I was invited to - my last visit was a trip I almost canceled because I was so tired of traveling, and it (surprise, surprise!) turned out to be the most fun visit of all!!

But now the decision-making begins. I think I've narrowed it down to two.

Black Thumb?

I bought an easy-maintenance fern when I moved into my apartment last February. By November it was dead. In August, as a wedding favor, I received a small bamboo plant. I managed to keep it alive till Christmas. Both very easy plants to take care of, both dead within months.

To console me, my friend Marta gave me a small pot of what she claims to be the unkillable plant in January. I made sure it had plenty of sunshine and just the right amount of water. To my chagrin, I came home yesterday to find that it, too, had died at a record speed of 1 1/2 months.

Self and Identity

*warning: long Psychological post. This is the stuff I think about at least 13 out of the 17 hours I'm awake on a given day*

I've been thinking a lot about identity and the self these days, partly because that's one of the main lines of research I'm interested in, and partly because lately I've been reading a lot of journal articles and conversing with a lot of researchers about the self.

It is widely accepted in Psychology research that we, as humans, construe our identity from our social relationships and interactions. This mechanism comes in handy as experiences and research reveal that often our self-evaluations can be grossly inaccurate depending on different factors. So instead we turn to "objective" things to confirm our own evaluations such as success in performance or others' evaluations. We then adjust our self-evaluation accordingly to the feedback we receive. This mechanism, albeit helpful at times, can go awry.

As I was working on my research relating basing self-esteem on romantic relationships to body shame, I came across an interesting tidbit: men and women often overestimate how much the opposite sex is looking for thinner women or more muscular men (Lamb et al., 1993; Rozin & Fallon, 1988; Pope et al, 2000). Part of the reason body shame and symptoms of disordered eating may be so prevalent for women who urgently desire romantic relationships is that women try to conform their body to attract men based on assumptions about men's standards rather than actual feedback they get from men.

This got me thinking: how often we do or say things to please others based on assumptions about their reactions rather than their actual reactions? And do we let our assumptions lead us to distrust reactions that are contrary to what we expect? And how often do we change our own evaluations to conform to what we assume others are thinking or feeling rather than what they actually express to us? Basically, do we construe our identity based on false assumptions??

To illustrate this, I will share with you a story from my life. I have a hard time inviting long-distance friends to my church. Not the church I've been going to in particular, but any church that I've attended in the past. But let's take my church now as an example. I love, love, love the teaching at my church, and I love that my pastor is a vivid storyteller. I also love the order of worship at my church and all its components including the liturgy. But when I invite a friend to my church, I'm suddenly edgy and critical of everything. Is the musical that good? (darn, I feel this week the music is a little off) Is the preaching organized? (maybe the talk is less organized and theologically based this week) Is the service too long and serious? (why, oh, why is the liturgical portion so dry this week) Is my pastor too comical when he preaches? In short, all the things I love become the things I hate just because I fear my friend won't like it. And even if they say they enjoyed the service, I'm doubtful, because I was not able to enjoy the service myself. In fact, I start questioning whether I can pick a good church or not. In retrospect I wish I had enough confidence to trust that others will see what I see.

Can we get to the point of having enough confidence in ourselves to trust others will see what we see? Or are we going to keep reacting to our assumptions of what people think? As for a long answer, or an answer that can be published in a Psych journal, I have none at this time. Short answer, though, is if we base our identity in Christ alone, if we seek perfecting ourselves while accepting His grace, if we trust the feedback we're given and accept our shortcomings as human, we can get to that point. Okay, I admit this is a cop-out ending to a long post. More to come on this topic, I promise.

Addiction

I cannot stop listening to this video. I have it on eternal repeat while I'm at work. It's not super well sung since she's singing at her good friend's memorial and trying too hard not to cry, but the song is just so beautiful!

Loss and Relationships

A few weeks ago I ran into an old boyfriend on my way home from work. We had broken up 13 months earlier after a close friendship followed by a short, volatile relationship. The break-up was messy and hurtful due to his inability to communicate and my inability to let go. Scarring words were exchanged through the whole ordeal, cutting deep to the core. The break-up changed who I was as a person, and I spent months wondering if I would ever recover from it.

Yet I did recover. And so did he. And when we ran into each other we were able to carry on a genial conversation. No false promises were made to meet up for coffee sometime, no phone numbers were exchanged. We stayed true to ourselves, and I knew that I had finally gotten over my anger and shame. After everything that happened, I can think of him as a decent person, and see him for who he is: someone with a good heart and good intentions, but nevertheless human. I left the encounter with a smile on my face.

Time really does heal a broken heart, I know that well. 13 months later, I'm again dealing with the aftermaths of a failed relationship. And as today we are going through the obligatory ritual of returning paraphernalia, I've started thinking about what it is that is so hard for me to let go of in relationships.

This break-up was different. Incompatibility was the biggest issue. We were two people that had fun together, but were headed in two different directions. And as this was apparent to me, along with the knowledge that hearts heal, I was able to quickly mourn the loss of the relationship itself and move on. What I find hard to let go of, however, is the loss of all the investment and emotion I poured into the relationship. As Carrie from Sex and the City asks in one episode, at the end of a relationship, where does the love go?

When you're in a relationship, that person becomes one of the most important people in your life. You think about him constantly, can't wait to share with him about your day, and he's the first to come to mind when you want to share a funny story or a profound idea. You invest your time in that person, spending it with him, calling him, emailing him. Yet when a relationship ends, poof, that person disappears. Where does all that emotional investment go? How can one person go from being so important to you to being nonexistent in your immediate life?

Unlike the law of conservation of mass, emotional investment is created when a relationship is built, and it becomes a memory when the relationship ends. And sometimes after recovery from a relationship, the memories become so fuzzy that they fade from your life completely. It's tough to accept this, that you've given a piece of your heart and have nothing to show for it.

There are lessons to be learned at the end of every relationship, but with each relationship I'm beginning to question whether the lesson was worth the experience. I'm still an optimist when it comes to relationships, but I'm learning to be more careful. After all, the heart does heal, but the emotional investment you will never get back.

Hair Dye

I've always wanted to be one of those girls who could change their hair color to whatever they want and still have it look natural. Being Asian, I can't exactly go from having black hair to red hair to blonde, then dark brown and look good each time.

Still, I make do with what I have. I usually go darker - auburn or mahogany with red tints. I've been dying my hair since I was 17 so I actually don't know what my natural hair color is anymore. Recently, I dyed my hair jet black, hoping it's closer to my natural hair color. This morning I found roots.

My hair is naturally brown, not black. Does that classify me as a brunette?

You've Got to be Kidding Me!!

It is 1 degree Fahrenheit outside - negative 13 degrees with windchill. According to Fox News Detroit, it could get as cold as negative 23 degrees with the wind today. All public schools are closed today! Even Novi public schools, my alma mater, is closed today, which is saying a lot (we were always the last school in the state, it seemed, to have a snow day). Lucky for them, since Fox news did this whole segment on how the cold impairs you, both mentally and physically.

For those of us who take public transportation to work, it was a bitter and literally painful commute today. By the time I got to work, I could no longer feel my legs. Thank goodness this is my last Michigan winter for at least the next 5 years!!

Dream within a Dream

or is it "dweam wiffin a dweam"...

I had one of those naps where I kept dreaming that people were walking in and out of my bedroom... I also kept waking up and falling back asleep and dreaming...during my dream. I think my phone rang 3 times in the dream (turns out it only rang twice) and my alarm kept going off. Pretty restless, I'd say, for a 20 minute nap.

On another note, I thought I'd like to take a moment and acknowledge to taitcha that I owe him a letter. I just realized that yesterday. Or was it during my nap that I thought of that?

I also owe like 8 people phone calls. You know who you are and I'm sorry for that.

Luckily I only owe 1 email. Turns out I'm better at those. =)

Li'l Shoppe Around the Korner

There's a small Korean/Japanese restaurant right by my bus stop on my way home from work called Seoul Korner. Although I lived close to it, I've never patroned it in all my years of college. I guess I never held a huge interest in Korean or Japanese food, well not until I started watching Asian TV dramas. I've had a habit of missing the bus lately and having to wait the extra 15 or 20 minutes for the next bus, giving me more time to observe this restaurant. The restaurant is never busy; at most 3 tables are occupied, usually by a single person with his or her newspaper or by cozy couples gazing out at the snow. Maybe it's my romantic view of life, or maybe it's the effect of freezing in the snow and hungering for a warm dinner after a long day of work, but I would rather like to stop in this restaurant sometime for dinner after work. Maybe with a dear friend, so we can sip udon soup and eat kimchee in the warm restaurant while staring out at the snowy passerbys. That'll just have to be one of the things I do before I leave Ann Arbor.

Timing is Everything

What a bad time in life for my suitcase to finally break after 9 years of faithful service.

Looking forward to the weekend. I'm sleep-deprived and ready to be a bum and stay in!!

Infrequent Update

I've been blogging far too infrequently this year! I feel like I started this New Year's off on the wrong foot, but it's never too late to recover from that. Some random updates from the last 18 days:

• I realized this morning that I can finally donate blood again!! I can't remember which day I got my tattoo last year (was it the 14th or the 21st of January??), but I plan on giving blood as often as I can after the 21st of this month.
• I went in for physical therapy (finally!) and found out that my back is hurting - not because my spine is misaligned again (although the therapist says there's definitely kinks in there), but it's because I basically have no core body strength to hold a decent posture. I've been working out a lot since the new year, but I've been doing more cardio since I absolutely hate lifting weights. So to boost up my core strength, I enrolled in both a pilates class and a weekend Iyengar yoga class. We'll see how I do with that.
• After a 2 year hiatus, I decided to finish watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (I finished all 10 seasons of Friends). Some of my old roomies back during the Pirate House days were obsessed with the show so I watched through season 4 with them. Mel's letting me borrow seasons 5-6 from her to return in July when I next see her, so I've been plowing through them. I just started season 6 and it's getting SCARY!! Well, scary as in cheap blood and gore horror movies, but I'm such a wimp that those give me nightmares. I keep thinking I shouldn't watch anymore, but part of me just wants to finish the entire series because I started it!
• Speaking of nightmares, I'm not one to remember dreams, but I've been having sad dreams every night this year. Not only do I wake up feeling upset, but I think I don't sleep well at night. Anyone know a way to keep from dreaming?
• On a whim, I ordered all six seasons of Sex and the City. Since I picked it up from my leasing office this morning (I had it mailed there so it wouldn't get stolen), it's sitting next to me right now on my work desk. It's the collector's edition and the packaging is soooo pretty. I keep running my hands over the felt pink cover. =) Very rarely do I find a series worth buying (actually this is the first one), and I'm very excited to watch it again!
• New small groups are starting up this Sunday. It was difficult saying goodbye to the old one, but God's just confirmed over and over again that planting a new group is His will. Already 12 people are coming on Sunday and we haven't had a meeting yet!

Okay, that's it for now. Hopefully I'll be updating more frequently!!

Ricotta Shmicotta

I love cottage cheese. In an attempt to be healthy, I decided to try out low-fat ricotta cheese since it's known to be much healthier and more nutritious than cottage cheese. Besides, ricotta cheese just sounds healthier.

I'm not kidding you, it was disgusting.

Then I heard I shouldn't eat it plain; people usually top it with cinnamon or something. So I sprinkled cinnamon on it. Now it's just disgusting with a hint of cinnamon.

I finally gave up and washed down the aftertaste with a couple squirts of whipped cream. Yum!

If You Want Me To
Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan,
I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see
You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You
And I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

Yes, I will walk through the valley
If You want me to

Another Year

Two days ago, I got the best Christmas present. My paper was accepted by the Psychology of Women Quarterly. After over a year of trying, I'm finally getting published!!

Crazy to think in a few days it'll be 2007. I'm sitting in my aunt's living room in NYC by myself, enjoying some some alone time for the first time in days. Alone time is rare during family vacations. Maybe I'll even go out for a walk on this remarkably warm winter day!

The year 2006 was pretty tumultuous and eventful. A lot of changes took place in my life. I feel like I changed a lot, yet at times, it seems like Christmas 2005 was just yesterday and I'm still the same person. This time last year I was in NYC, coming up with my list of 101 things to do in 1001 days. I remember actually accomplishing quite a few of those tasks before scrapping the whole idea.

Making resolutions is one of my favorite activities of the year. I think this year, I'll make 5 goals each month to accomplish.

January:
1. Do data analysis on my research study and begin drafting a manucript for publication.
2. Be at work by 8:30 AM at least 4 mornings a week
3. Stick to a workout plan: cardio 3x/week, yoga 1x/week
4. Sleep at least 7 hours a night, 5 nights a week
5. Finish the book "The Five Points of Calvinism"

Ethan Lorac Gonick

Today one of my dearest friends of 7 years gave birth to a beautiful baby boy! Ethan was born at 3:25 AM weighing 7 lbs, 11 ounces. I'm so proud of my Marta!!

Here's the little man. He looks just like his daddy!













Gazing up at his mom.













Baby Ethan meets Auntie Tracy for the first time!

Today...

...the sad reality of leaving Michigan next fall has set in. It's ironic - I spent the last 3 years dreaming of how I would escape from Ann Arbor. Although Ann Arbor is a great place to live (containing museums, a great music scene, restaurants and night life, talented artists traveling through, great libraries), after living here for over 4 years I started to get bored with the town. It's like I've seen and experienced Ann Arbor, and I just wanted to move on. I wanted to reside in the Big Apple or Sunny California. But just as I am on the brink of leaving Ann Arbor, I'm falling in love with the town all over again.

There's a big part of me that still yearns to spread my wings and live somewhere outside of the midwest. I know once I get there I won't regret the move and I'll be excited to make new friends and begin grad school.

But there's a part of me that is realizing what I'm leaving behind. I've never lived more than 30 miles away from my parents. Living close to my parents is like a security blanket - although I don't take advantage of their proximity enough, just knowing they're within a half hour drive away is comforting. As my close friends are increasingly non-students or at least off-campus, Ann Arbor has become a new city to me. I'm getting to know Ann Arbor as more than just the downtown. Not only that, but after being away from the downtown area this past year, I'm starting to see the shops through different eyes. Coffee shops are not study areas; rather I appreciate them for the yummy drinks they sell, their decorations, their music. I've started thinking like a townie, dreading the annual Art Fair while taking pride in local perks like the Farmer's Market, Artisan's Market, and Zingerman's fresh-baked bread. I actually have time to take strolls down the streets and windowshop at mom-and-pop shops and local boutiques on Main Street. I'd be leaving all this behind. I'd also be leaving K behind.

Over the next two months, I'll be hearing back from schools. I applied to 9 schools, all far away from here, and last minute I submitted a 10th application to the University of Michigan. I guess I've been operating under the assumption that since I've submitted that application, I'll have a choice to stay. Reality is, I most likely won't have a choice of staying in Ann Arbor. My program does not like to accept its undergraduates, and on top of which UM is very competitive, ranked 2nd in the nation. Maybe it's a good thing I don't have to wrestle with the decision of staying in Ann Arbor. But I wonder, if I got in, would I choose to stay?

1 Corinthians 1

This morning I woke up overwhelmed by the brokenness in this world. I was saddened by how difficult it is for myself and close friends around me to truly grasp the concept of Lordship and what it means to desire Jesus to be Lord of our lives. I was saddened by the struggle between the mind and the flesh (Romans 7:21-25) and how we often allow our flesh to win out. I was discouraged by the struggle between self-righteousness/pride and an acute awareness of hypocrisy and sin in my life. I was also saddened by how little I really understand love as explained in 1 Corinthians 13. I was overwhelmed by how difficult it is to be Christians, redeemed by Christ, but still living with sin, on this side of Heaven.

I don't know what led me to read 1 Corinthians again, but it brought me so much encouragement.

1. Who we are is a result of God's grace. Our understanding and knowledge of Him, our ability to live for him, our being made Holy is a result of Christ's death on the cross. So the promise that "He will keep you strong to the end, so that you will be blameless on the day of our Lord Jesus Christ" is able to come true because it is not dependent on my efforts, but on Christ. No matter how far I've fallen, no matter how broken I am, Christ is able to keep me strong and pressing on toward His holiness. And He is faithful.
2. Christ is unity. We are called to be in unity with one another. There is no room for pride and self-righteousness because all we know is by the grace of God. This is an urgent reminder for me as I'm in the middle of conflicts within a Christian group I am involved in. One thing I need to keep reminding myself is that the only boasting I can do is in the Lord. It is a call to humble myself and vigilantly watch my own motives. It also is a call to rely on Christ for the unity He calls us to.

Scripture is so life-giving and encouraging. It is also convicting. I began this morning discouraged, but now I am encouraged. The power of the cross of Christ is something that I feel I am barely starting to grasp. How nature must have groaned for the coming of Christ and the fulfillment of the law! Maybe I'm finally beginning to appreciate the Advent season.

Winter Evenings and Budget Dates

WINTER EVENINGS

I wish I had a fireplace.

Since yesterday I've been wanting to just laze at home, eat a bowl of steamy clam chowder, munch on gummy dinos and watch TV. Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow to start my weekend off.

DATING ON A BUDGET

Last weekend was a lot of fun. K took me on a budget date consisting of the Fleetwood for dinner, walking around downtown, browsing Borders, and then movie at the dollar theater. We went shopping at Twelve Oaks on Saturday and with the sales and my coupons, he got a lambswool sweater for $15 and I got a sweatercoat for the same price. I love how we're cheap...er, I mean, frugal. That's how we started off - our first date ever was the dollar theater (where I snuck in a box of Gobstoppers) then appetizers at Applebees. We're breaking that trend next time and going somewhere pricy for dinner before the Firefly Club. Any suggestions? Pacific Rim? Blue Nile? Zingerman's Roadhouse? I'm unfamiliar with most of the expensive restaurants in Ann Arbor.

FRANKENMUTH

Having lived in Michigan for 11 1/2 years (wow has it been that long?!), I've actually never got around to visiting Frankenmuth. I'm going on Saturday with some friends. Anyone have any suggestions or advice about where to eat or what to visit??

WHITE ELEPHANT CHRISTMAS PARTY

I never know what to get for White Elephant gifts. I have to get a gift by Sunday. The goal is to be funny, but the last time I brought something I thought was hilarious to one of these things, no one got it. I'm also making my butternut squash pie again. I made one for a potluck last week and it was a hit.

It's snowing

Hello winter

Simple Devotion

There's been a stirring in me lately.

Two years ago I went to Kansas City, MO for the One Thing conference put on by the International House of Prayer. The conference was lifechanging, making real to me the concept of the church as the bride of Christ and introducing to me what it means to be in a love relationship with God. The International House of Prayer focuses on sitting at the feet of Jesus in prayer, silence, or reading the Word, oftentimes for hours at a time. Sometimes we get up still feeling empty. Sometimes we get up with new truths imprinted on our hearts. But the important thing is that we worshipped God.

How far I've come from that! One of the lessons that has been coming up in my life is "garbage in, garbage out." I find that my lifestyle and choices have allowed me to get to a place where I can't sit still for even 15 minutes. I have to make a conscious choice to go back to basics, and it's a choice I can't put off anymore.

I'm listening to Misty Edwards's song Simple Devotion. It's one of the most beautiful and purest songs I've listened to:

Simple Devotion - Misty Edwards

Over and over and over and over again
I will stir in my soul to lay hold of You
Over and over and over and over again
I will stir in my soul to lay hold of that which I cannot comprehend
Over and over and over and over again
Over and over and over and over again

And then I'll just kneel in the sovereignty
I'll embrace a mystery
I'll just rest in You
As I bathe in truth

Over and over and over and over agian
This is my simple devotion, my walk of faith, and day by day
Over and over and over and over again

And then I hear You say as You gaze over the balcony of heaven
I hear You say as You peer through the lines of time
I hear You say as You stand in Heaven
I hear You say as You rejoice over me

"Oh angels oh angels look and see, through that dark night of faith she is gazing at Me

Oh angels oh angels look and see, through that cloud of unknowing she's gazing at Me
and you have ravished My heart, My sister My bride with one glance of your eye"

Research Updates

I've been running a research study since the beginning of September and it's finally yielded enough data to do something with it. I love coming up with the study, not super excited about actually running the study, but getting all the data feels really rewarding. I spent this past week staying up late at night analyzing the data and feeling a little overwhelmed by just how much I stil don't know about research. Now I've gotten to the part when I spend the next month or so drafting up a summary of the results. For some reason this is when the study comes together for me; I can't quite wrap my brain around what I'm doing until I put it down on paper. I don't consider myself a writer, but writing is my favorite part of the research study. That, combined with data analysis.

I've been feeling discombobulated all week. I think I'm going through that phase again when I don't feel quite awake and I'm tired all the time. My house is a mess and I miss hanging out with my girlfriends. Anyone want to come spend time with me while I clean?

On another note, I've been watching Friends straight through from Season One and just finished Season Eight. I think I need to take a 2 week hiatus from watching TV.

Lessons from a back injury

My back has been hurting a ton lately.

Apparently through bad posture and heavy books/bags, I've sustained a chronic back injury through high school and college. I spent the first months of this year going through physical therapy, doing seemingly endless stretching and strenghthening exercises, icing and ultrasound therapy (I still to this day don't understand how ultrasound treats the back) in order to realign my back. I was told I should stay away from running. Finally by spring it seemed that my spine had straightened out and my therapy days were over.

Disregarding advice from my therapist, I stopped stretching regularly, became more lax about my posture, and even began running again. Needless to say, my back has been getting worse again through this year. Still, I stubbornly tried to return to "normal life" with "normal habits" as if my back has never been injured.

I was recently talking to my friend Mel who tore her ACL 3-4 years ago and had to have surgery on her knee. Although her knee has now healed completely, she was telling me that while trying out a dance move, she noticed that her old injury still limits her flexibility and range of motion. She then concluded that although she's healed as much as she could, her knee will never be 100% healthy again, and she can never do things with it that normal people could. She then added the same went for my back. Although my back healed, I can't be stubborn and treat it like a normal back. I'll never be able to slouch like normal people can or carry bags as heavy as everyone else. It stinks, but that's what injuries do.

I started thinking about how this translates to matters of the heart. Sometime over the last year or two I developed a policy of living life at its fullest. I became rasher and more impulsive, made big plans and tried everything once without thinking through consequences. But as much as I want to believe that mistakes are necessary for learning (which they are), I have to realize that what I choose to do and risk - decisions I make today - will affect me for the rest of my life. As much as I can brush aside heartbreak and disappointment (in all areas of my life, I'm not just talking about relationships) knowing that I'll be okay at the end, these very heartbreaks and disappointments will not leave me untouched - they change me and form my worldviews and perspectives and even affect the decisions I make in the future.

This also translates to sin. Although rebelling and committing sins can lead to true repentence and a better understanding of what it means to follow God, and although Christ already bore the punishments for our sins so that we aren't paying the consequences for them, our choice to sin will affect our daily lives and the relationship we have with God, others, and the environment around us. That's a pretty heavy thought. It emphasizes that there is no trivial sin - in both the sense of the seriousness of sin and the consequences of sin.

So after the New Year I am heigh-hoing back to my physical therapist's office with my tail between my legs. I will take her advice and even stop running. I will know that how I choose to treat my back, no matter how trivial the decision seems, will affect my abilities for the rest of my life. There's no more denying that my injury is here to stay.

Evil within Us

Read this article online today on Reuters. Here's an excerpt of it:

LONDON - Elton John has said organized religion should be banned because it promotes homophobia and turns some people into "hateful lemmings."

"I would ban religion completely, even though there are some wonderful things about it," the British singer said in an interview with the Observer newspaper on Sunday.

"Religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people. It turns people into hateful lemmings and it is not really compassionate."

The singer, who tied the knot with long-term partner David Furnish in a civil ceremony last year, said he admired the teachings of Jesus Christ, but disliked religious bodies.

"The reality is that organized religion doesn't seem to work," he added.

Articles like this make me really sad. It's difficult for me to see the church attacked in such a way, because in many cases, the accusations are true. There's a lot of hypocrisy and sin within the church, and too often we don't keep in line with the teachings of Christ as we ought.

I'm reading Renovation of the Heart by Dallas Willard with Cat and we just finished a chapter on evilness. I'm convinced that one of the barriers for Christians to pursue the character of Christ is our inability to wholly accept and recognize the extent of our fallenness, or as Calvin states, the total depravity of man. There is a certain pride in us that undermines our admittance that we are incapable of goodness and righteousness on our own. This is reflected in our use of the word brokenness: we say we're broken to communicate how our experiences have left us downtrodden and weary, almost implying that we are somehow victims. Yet, brokenness really is talking about the inherent evil within us as a result of the fall. We are not victims to the circumstances we have in life. We have by nature evil within us that inhibits us from worshiping God fully. Willard points out that one of the things that is hardest to swallow about Christianity is the importance it places on the human individual. We are created in the image of God and it is our greatness that makes our evilness so tragic.

For anyone who has talked to me lately, one of my struggles is finding when I compare my "Christian friendships" to my "secular friendships," I find more realness in the secular friendships. This shouldn't be the case! I think it's because a lot of Christians, especially young adults my age, have this expectation of spiritual growth and maturity that becomes a barrier for us to truly accept one another and ourselves for who we are. I feel that too often we put up a front because for the most part, we know right from wrong, and we hate admitting that we can't live up to that. I feel there is a certain superficiality created from this facade of spirituality.

We're broken people. We're fallen. And although we need to spur each other on toward growth and striving for perfection, we need to also accept each other for who we are: broken, fallen, evil people caught between our fallen nature and the glimpse of the Heaven we've received through Christ's blood. If the church can be honest about its brokenness and focus on being sinners supporting each other through the grace of God rather than being this sanctuary of holiness amid an evil world, what a witness that will be!

Random Thoughts

After a crazy month, I'm unable to put real thoughts together - so here's a string of thoughts I currently have:

• God is faithful. Although there's a lot in my life to be thankful for right now, nothing in particular is inspiring me to say this. It's just a renewed sense of trust that I've been feeling lately that He has a plan for me and will be faithful to carry it out.
• One of the women in my small group gave an incredible and inspiring testimony last night. I'm excited about the friendship and trust developing among the women in my small group.
• Relationships are hard. I had a surprisingly difficult conversation last night that still has me in a slight funk. When a normally unemotional person becomes emotional, it really touches my heart.
• Work has been getting busier. I'm really excited about going to DC (as I know I've stated before). My responsibilities at work have also become increasingly more difficult, which both frightens and excites me.
• I'm throwing a baby shower for one of my best friends this weekend. I have no clue what I'm doing as I've never thrown a baby shower before.
• I've been craving cucumbers lately. Hm, strange. I like to sprinkle raw cucumbers with salt and munch on them.
• The Footprints feature on Xanga scares the beejees out of me. Now everyone will know I stalk them!
• I've been listening to Nick Lachey's latest CD. Nick, I know Jessica did a number on you, but your lyrics are a bit on the pathetic end.

November Changes

Grad Schools
Well, I just turned in the last of my recommendations for grad schools so I'm officially done applying. Also, I submitted my fellowship application at midnight last night. Now it's just sit and wait until April. It'll be nice to have a lot more free time to invest in my friends, though!

Finances
For those of you who know me, money's not a huge deal for me. I'd like to think I'm thrifty and careful in spending money, and although I catch myself eyeing expensive and fashionable items, if I don't got the cash, I don't spend it. As grad school becomes more of a reality, I realize I have to start looking at the money I have NOW and start thinking long-term with it. I lost my USB flashdisk on which I kept my budget (and ALL my research, by the way!!), so I had to rework my budget recently. I'm also signing up for a class to better understand and rework my 401k. I realize I have to start saving up for moving costs for grad school and other "grad schooly" things like updated software for my laptop, a nice school bag (my Kenneth Cole bag broke last week), and car fixtures (no way on earth I'm taking my car at its current state if I'm moving somewhere like California). It's a good time to be in a Sunday School class called Money, Money, Money.

Traveling
I also have a lot of traveling to look forward to this month. This weekend I'll be volunteer staffing IVCF's Cross-Training retreat. I'm pretty excited about spending the weekend studying scripture, leading worship, and praying with friends I haven't talked to in awhile. I'm also excited my rooming situation and about getting to know new friends better. =)

I will be making another trip to Washington DC except this time it'll be for business. The trip is from Nov. 15-19, and I'll get to stay at the Marriott. I'll get to see all my friends in DC, plus others who are traveling in from Ann Arbor, San Fran, and New York. It'll be another reunion with people I love, except this time, all expenses paid. I won't get opportunities like this for a long time, so I better enjoy it!

I heart Social Psychology

Today is one of those days when I'm working on my research - either editing finished papers, writing up research proposals, or researching new ideas and topics - and it hits me that I'll be paid to do this someday. I can't wait. =)

dazed and confused

I woke up this morning dazed and confused. I guess the lack of sleep over the weekend really caught up with me and I ended up calling in sick this morning and slept like a log till 10:30 AM. I've been at work for a few hours now. Work is beginning to pile up and I still feel in a funk. Hmm...there was a GRE word I learned to describe that hazy funk...what was it? Not torpid.... I don't remember.

I had sushi for lunch today. Those big pieces of tempura shrimp are my favorite. Yum.

Can't believe Enoch's wedding is this Saturday. I echo Tamster's apprehensions about seeing everyone again. I still remember back in middle school when I used to stay up till 1 AM (soooo late back then) playing N64 with him while Esther watched and ate canned peaches on the couch. Then there were the millions of times I made Esther watch "While You Were Sleeping" with me. Ha - those were the days. I remember when Jean, Esther and I would bike to the mall and buy matching everything - Jean's in purple, Esther's in blue, and mine in green or brown, depending on my mood. Our families and Brian's family used to go camping together - once we got lost in Smokey Mountains for 9 hours and got so thirsty that we drank dirty creek water. It's amazing how far I've drifted from them. Now the only one I keep in touch with is Brian and he skipped town and moved to Chicago without telling me (yes, Brian, I'm still bitter about that). Yes, I'm apprehensive about Saturday, but I'm also excited about seeing everyone again.

Anyway, since Angel was sweet enough to compliment the pictures I took at the park this weekend, I'll post some for your enjoyment. I have to admit that autumn is still not my favorite season (although it certainly beats Michigan winters), but having a camera does cause it to be more enjoyable:

I've been dying to try out my new circular polarizing lens filter






Metro Park in Dexter

I wanna go out tonight...

I've been listening to the song "Out Tonight" on the RENT soundtrack, and it reflects my current sentiments to a tee (minus the sexual innuendos). As I'm making progress on my fellowship application, I realize that I haven't been out with my friends in a while outside of the weekly viewings of Veronica Mars and Grey's Anatomy. I've been feeling really emotional and angsty, and the Asian side of me is feeling victimized and abandoned by the people around me in Ann Arbor. So finally I decided to step out from wallowing in self-pity and have a few things to look forward to this week:

1. Dancing at LIVE with my girls G. and L.
2. Apple orchard if it doesn't rain on Saturday
3. Taking pictures with S. when the weather is nice

Other things I want to do with my girls before Christmas:

1. Spend a day at Frankenmuth
2. Outlet shopping at Birch Run
3. Girl's night out at a martini bar

Also, I was pleased to find that my gym moved up their Yoga classes to half hour earlier, meaning that I'll be able to make it to classes again and still be able to watch my TV shows. =) I'm pleased as pie.

On another note, I've been reading through Leviticus this week as a result of Sunday School homework. We're examining the tenants of worship as outlined in the book and discussing what they cost the Israelites. I noticed a few things while studying.

First, in order to follow the rules of cleanliness, etc, worship really has to be a priority for the Israelites over productivity or anything else. Holiness comes before anything else: if the Israelites touched something unclean or had a disease, they would have to put everything aside and follow the cleansing rituals. This is such a visual demonstration of the holiness of God and the isolation that results from sin. Also, the idea of engraving the law on our hearts take on a whole new meaning when following the law is so salient for society as a whole. In the world we live in today, it's so easy to fall into believing God is irrelevant to our lives and forgetting about Him outside Sundays or prayers of desperation. Although as a whole, I do not envy the laws and regulations the Israelites had to follow, but I do envy the constant focus on God they result in.

Secondly, God provided the Israelites with wealth and asked them to put it towards sacrifices and the tabernacle. The tabernacle is created with their most precious metals and gems, while burnt offerings consisted of the finest animals and grain. Although the priests were able to partake in some of the offering for food, the choicest part of the animals (organs, fat) were burnt and not to be eaten. It made me think about the heart with which I give. I always want to know where my money is going and only give toward something that I feel will benefit this world the best. But here, the Israelites' gifts aren't "doing" anything. Have we lost sight of worshiping God as an end to itself? I feel that I have.

Tired and Grumpy

I find myself tired and grumpy these days. The stress of running a research study and trying to publish a paper while applying for grad schools/fellowships and working full-time is finally getting to me. I find myself discouraged about my research abilities from even the slightest hiccup in anything that I'm doing, which stinks because it seems that almost everything I do during the weekday is research related. This discouragement is affecting my self-confidence which in turn affects my relationships. Grrrrr. I've been really bad about taking time to recharge.

I guess one thing I've learned is that life is never going to get less busy, no matter what I do. Taking time to recharge is something that I need to learn to do now rather than wait for that "someday" when everything will die down. Because it won't die down. And if I don't learn to sit still and enjoy life amid the craziness, next thing I know I'll be old and senile and have wasted my entire life waiting for that "someday."

Good news is that my fellowship application is due at the beginning of November. I'm also done with grad school applications. I just keep reminding myself that in 3 weeks, I'll be done with applications and anything else with a deadline for loooong time!

Thoughts from a Red Wings Game

Yesterday at work I get a call from my beau: "Yo, I got tickets for one of those executive suites through work for tonight's Red Wing's game. Wanna go?"

Not only have I been wanting to go to a hockey game, I was thrilled to get to sit in one of those executive boxes. I cancelled my plans for the evening and was on my way to Joe Louis Arena by 5:45. We arrived there and received VIP treatment: parking in the "full" garage while everyone else had to park a ways away, getting to ride up on the special elevators to the executive suites, eating a catered dinner with yummy drinks and chatting with schmoozers clad in business suits while everyone else in the arena munched on peanuts and drank $5 bottles of Miller Lite.

I didn't think anything of it until the company let us walk down to the rink and sit in the 7th row behind the opposing team's goal. That's when I realized how drab the executive suite was. Here in the stadium seats was the action. Here, you could hear the players yell for each other, watch the ice spray as they skid across the ice, hear the puck slap against the side of the rink (whatever the terminology is). Here you could hear the cheers, witness the speed at which the players were skating, and actually feel the excitement of the game resonate through your body.

I wonder, why would anyone want to pay for an executive suite?? The rink was so far away that you might as well be watching it on television at home, you can't hear the cheers, you don't get to experience the disgusting goodness of arena food, and half the people in the suite care more about the booze and schmooze than the game anyway. You're so high above everyone else - so ISOLATED. It's amazing how much money we pay to be isolated from the real world - is it a status thing?

I walked away thinking that I hope I never lose touch with the real world. I hope I will never be consumed with the desire for status and isolation from the common and the human. Give me the nosebleed section anytime! I hope I'm never rich.

Seasonal Shopping

It's autumn and I realize I have no clothes for the fall. For some bizarre reason, I can't find the box of sweaters I put away last spring so I bought a few tops I can wear until I find that box.

Although I love shoes and bags, I have a hard time justifying purchasing new ones since I feel that accessories come second to basic clothing. But...I realize the brown shoes I've been wearing for the last 4 years are fraying and the black shoes are so worn down that I'm getting blisters on the soles of my feet, so I sucked it up and purchased these on zappos.com:

Steve Madden's NY Oliesa

and Nine West Fadashia

I haven't bought winter shoes with higher heels in a long time (I usually buy 2 inch heels or kitten heels), but they're supposed to be really really comfortable and easy to walk in according to the customer reviews.

Now all that's left on my shopping list is a nice dress I can wear to fall/winter weddings and the Toyota Christmas Ball (I don't think that's the official name but that's what I'm calling it).

10 Simple Pleasures

I was tagged by Catsi...so I guess people DO read my blog. Anyway here goes:

1. Going home on a sunny day after a full day of work
2. Having a clean apartment with a fridge full of food
3. Spending a day in the park with my camera
4. Getting a bear hug
5. Checking off items on my to-do list in my planner
6. Watching a good TV show/movie with good friends then discussing it afterwards
7. Sniffing warm towels fresh out of the dryer
8. Drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows
9. Finding and eating a good bag of gummy bears (where green = apple and red = strawberries) ;P
10. Taking a shower after a great workout

Hmm...who to tag (who hasn't been tagged yet):
ThePrefixAstro, brianchiang, AzN_homeboy, taitcha, lizaroo, Muchacha737
Write your own list and tag 10 more (I know I only tagged 6, but I don't have many blogging friends who I know read this...)