Portable Wealth

More thoughts from Sunday school.

So this past Sunday we talked about Abraham and his wealth. The question was, is our wealth portable?

My first reaction was, yeah, I have a bank account and am not a homeowner. However, as my table continued discussing what exactly wealth was, we realized that it includes social connections as well as education and experiences. That made me start to think: I've spend the last 4 years of my life investing time, energy, and money into my Psych education. Almost all of my decisions has been based on pursuing a PhD in the field - my current job and location is based solely on my career aspirations.

So...if God told me to take these past 4 years of time and monetary investments and to move to a completely new field to serve Him - could I do it? Although I want to say I could, at this point, I'm not sure I can honestly answer yes. It'll be something I have to wrestle with for a bit...

for the love of money...

Can't believe it's almost time for open enrollment for my benefits next year. I keep forgetting it's the end of September. It seems like just last week my supervisor and I were gushing over pictures of her daughters' homecoming. Apparently homecoming is coming up again in a few weeks!

I'm taking the money class for my Sunday school class this fall. One thing I love about how James P. is teaching the class is that he's not focusing so much on money itself, but seeing money as a representation/symbol of our relationship with the world around us. Last week we studied the fall in Genesis and how it severed our relationship with God (no longer walking with Him in the garden), each other (blaming one another), and God's creations (blaming the serpent, kicked out of garden, cursed to toil the earch). We studied how the end of chapter 2 described Adam adoring Eve and contrasted it against the end of chapter 4 with Lamech going home to two wives and boasting about the young man he killed. One thing I can take away from this is praying about how my attitude/use of money reveals my heart. For example, spending more than what's reasonable on fashionable clothing may represent placing my identity on appearance rather than in the Lord, pride and judgement against others, and contributing to the degradation of our environment through purchasing materials that aren't made from or processed by enviro-friendly methods. I dunno - I guess that's simplified a bit. Still, I'm excited about where this class is headed. This week we're studying the life of Abraham and how most of his life seems to (surprisingly) revolve around the accumulation of wealth.

Appropriately, last week's Time Magazine's cover story was about Christians who believe that blessings from God equals monetary riches. It makes me realize how our understanding of God is often so flawed and influenced still by the world around us.

One thing I learned on Sunday that I never noticed before is that God purposely took Adam through a journey of realizing his lack of a partner before providing him with Eve. I think that's kinda neat. I feel God often works that way: He has us realize our own needs before He provides us with the answer. I think that's why growing in our Christian walk is so difficult: before fully realizing our blessings, we must first experience what's void in lives without God.

"Spiritual Sundays"

I went skydiving on Saturday. Here are some pictures.

Having Church, Sunday School, and small group all on the same day is great - except come Monday I realize that I have a lot of "topics" to process through and have to focus on one at a time throughout the week.

Topic 1: Making Life Work
Pastor Chuck has been preaching through Ecclesiastes. This week's sermon was on Ecc 1:12-18 . His point, I believe, is that most of us are involved in the pursuit of "making life work." We accumulate knowledge and wisdom (through the media, books, school, each other) to find ways to make our lives "work". However, greater knowledge usually comes with a greater realization of our ignorance, and solutions to our problems may generate even greater problems. The reason that Ecclesiastes states "What is twisted cannot be straightened; what is lacking cannot be counted" is because we're never meant to be able to fix everything and achieve our "ideal life" through knowledge. Pursuing knowledge to this end is futile; if knowledge can solve our problems, we have no need for God.

I find that I spend a lot of my time reading magazines and newspapers to figure out how to practically arrange my schedule and lead my life from day to day. I have this idea in my head of what it will be like to live an ideal life. My language is usually filled with the phrase "I should." However, when I follow the schedule I create for myself, I tire out and start losing control over my life. Instead of getting angry at myself, I need to realize that my focus shouldn't be on what is the ideal life; it should be on living for God. Of course God values self-discipline and self-control, but instead of focusing on what I should and shouldn't be doing, I need to focus on the mission of God and how to honor Him and serve Him best with my time. Sometimes it means taking care of myself and doing things I enjoy, sometimes it means serving His church. I need to stop trying to be this ideal person living in this ideal life, and start praying about who God has created me to be and how I can best live for Him.

Pictures from DC

Baby Tai Shan trying to get to his mommy


Still trying...


There he goes.


Random giraffe

For the rest of the pictures:
Labor Day Pictures 1
Labor Day Pictures 2

Labor Day Weekend in D.C.

What a crazy vacation. I'll post pictures later!

Friday

• Flew into D. C. through the outskirts of Hurricane Ernesto - the plane was rocking back and forth even after we landed!
• Learned the wonders of the D.C. Metro system and learning about cool security things from Mel
• Lilly's goodbye party at Mel and Andy's

Saturday

• Deezy makes it to Mel and Andy's!
• Watching the Michigan football game with a bar full of Michigan alums
• Breaking my resolution to eat healthier by ordering nachos, chicken strips and beer for breakfast
• Sleeping through the 3rd quarter (I'm just not a football fan!)
• Shopping around Georgetown and rockin' the Labor Day Weekend sales with the gang and Audrey
• Grocery shopping with Mel, Andy and Deezy
• Trying very hard with Deezy to stay away from sweets
• Ended up giving in to BBQ chips and ice cream
• Cuddling up all together to watch a movie

Sunday

• National Mall with my girls: Hope diamond, Washington monument, Capitol Building, World War II Memorial, Lincoln Memorial, Korean War Memorial, World War I Memorial, White House. (We tired out and gave up before getting to Jefferson and FDR)
• Crossing the border to Virginia
• Shopping at a HUUUUUGE DSW store and getting boots for $6
• Watching Friends bloopers
• Andy joins us at the bar
• Missed the last metro back to D.C. so instead taking the cab

Monday

• Meeting up with Christine and John at the zoo
• Baby panda, baby elephant, and other animals
• Sushi for lunch
• Visiting the Embassies
• Packing and plane ride home

Still trying to get my apartment together since I haven't really felt settled back home for over 2 weeks now. Work is picking up and I'm literally swamped with paperwork - yesterday I gave up working at the desk, pushed my chair aside, and just worked on the floor of my cubicle!

Murphy's Law

This has been an incredibly stressful week!! God is faithful, and things are falling into place...although a bit more last-minute than I would prefer! 3 applications in! I'm 1/3 done!! =)

Leaving for D.C. in 2 hours...this is NOT a good time to start feeling sick!!

End of Summer

Hard to believe that students are almost all moved in. It's unbelievable how busy the streets are now in downtown Ann Arbor as compared to, say, Monday.

What a strange feeling, to see move-in yet not have the stress of NSO and other IV events. (By the way, if you ARE on campus and reading this, you should attend some awesome InterVarsity events!) At the same time the emotional stress of the last two weeks finally caught up with me and I've wanted to do nothing but sleep the last two days. But did I sleep this week? Of course not. With a visit from a dear friend and two girls' nights out this week, I'm still sleepy. And this weekend I'll be seeing more friends in D.C. So excited!!

I submitted my first grad school application this month. It's an exciting yet scary feeling! One down, eight more to go. I'm feeling more and more excited and confident - I don't know which schools I'll actually get into, but at least I gave it a shot. I miss being in school - and a year from now, I'll be a student again!!

Maybe I did over-prepare...

The first of my grad school online applications opened up this past week and I decided to fill it out to see how long it takes...

With my personal statements already written earlier this month, and all my recommendations lined up, I found myself ready to press the "submit" button within 15 minutes.

Are you kidding me??? I had to have missed something!

My Weekend in Pictures

The Insomnia Returneth

I definitely discovered bags under my eyes today.

They're moving everyone my age to another wing at work. =( I went running yesterday and my quads are sore - and my back is swollen as well. Ow. So many errands to run this week. I think I'm a wedding junkie no more - two weddings in two days is curing me of that. Learning valuable lessons about what it means to grow up. A lot to mull over. Finished the first season of LOST last night. Don't think I care for it enough to watch the 2nd season. Can't believe we're already a week into August. I'm rebelling from cubicle world by blasting the soundtrack from RENT. The lyrics still manage to give me shivers:

Find, Glory, in a song that rings true
Truth like a blazing fire, an eternal flame
Find, one song, a song about love
Glory, from the soul of a young man
A young man
Find, the one song
Before the virus takes hold, glory
Like a sunset
One song
To redeem this empty life

Central Air

Dear Diary,

Last night I caved in and turned my air conditioning on for the first time this summer. It was glorious.

Who I am

Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband— the LORD Almighty is his name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young, only to be rejected," says your God. "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you," says the LORD your Redeemer. "To me this is like the days of Noah, when I swore that the waters of Noah would never again cover the earth. So now I have sworn not to be angry with you, never to rebuke you again. Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you. Isaiah 54:4-10, TNIV

I had an amazing "Psychology meets Theology" moment last week. Both a Psychology lecture I attended and a book I was reading ("Renovation of the Heart" by Dallas Willard) addressed the concept of self-esteem. Self-help books and Psychological studies are always looking for ways to boost self-esteem because that's what they believe promote well-being. However, focusing on self-esteem has actually been found to be detrimental to well-being as there are pressures such as how to keep the self-esteem boosted, keeping up a front, etc. Instead, Psychology is beginning to find that the key to well-being is self-compassion: being able to accept oneself and to love oneself. Funny - that's what Dallas Willard says too in a book he wrote years ago before this was discovered in Psychology.

I found that to be extremely freeing and life-changing. Instead of trying to be something, I first have to start with loving myself and forgiving myself. Instead of worrying how others see me, I have to be okay with how I see myself. I have to start with letting go of expectations I have for myself and instead be okay with who I am. It doesn't mean neglecting spiritual formation and character building - it just means to not be bound by a self-set agenda.

The only way to have this self-acceptance and self-compassion, I've found, is a deeper understanding of who I am in Christ. And this passage of Isaiah illustrates the love relationship we have with Him - the romance between God and us (me). It's so easy to be caught up in legalism, but when you understand Christianity as a relational covenant, you find abundant grace, unconditional acceptance, and an everlasting love.

Done!!

Wednesday I finally gave my first talk about my research at a Psych conference. I've presented my poster at conferences, but that's with everyone walking around and looking at different posters and you only ended up talking to people one-on-one. This was different - I had a microphone and a PowerPoint presentation, and I was the only one speaking in the room.

I've been pretty stressed out about this for the last few weeks. People at work who knew I was doing this would ask me if I was nervous. I'd always reply no, since I don't really have a problem with public speaking. It wasn't until the whole darn thing was over that I finally realized how tense I was!

So...my mentor and I submitted our manuscript on Monday, and the presentation was on Wednesday. Only thing left for now is applying for Grad schools and applying for that NSF grant. I'm not so worried about grad schools anymore as I'm done with all my personal statements! The grant will be another thing though....

I watched "The Break-Up" the other day at the dollar movies. I loved, loved, loved the movie! It was not what I expected at all and the ending jarred me a little. I think a year ago I wouldn't have liked the movie, but it so accurately portrays relationships and unfair life is sometimes. I'm putting it on my list of movies to buy along with "In Her Shoes." I also borrowed "The Family Stone" from the library yesterday. What a poorly done movie! It was just weird from beginning to end. However, I like the theme of being true to yourself. SJP very accurately portrays just how hard it is to be around someone who's too concerned about other's perceptions of them.

Rent

Just watched the movie RENT for the first time. I loved it on Broadway, and I love it as a movie. I sobbed like crazy near the end - just as I did when I saw it the first time.

There's just something so beautiful about human nature - there's nothing more beautiful to me than when our image in God breaks through all the grime. Rent is about all these outcasts - people who are struggling to survive in this world. Yet, through all the shame of drug-addiction, battling AIDS, being "has-beens," or living on the streets, these people are simply looking for unconditional, reciprocal love in this broken world.

Ah, this is when I realize that I love being a Psychologist - I get to study brokenness, yet still find hope and goodness.

"Dying in America

At the end of the millenium

We're dying in America

To come into our own

And when you're dying in America

At the end of the millenium

You're not alone

I'm not alone

I'M NOT ALONE!!"

Friends with Benefits

...not those kind of friends and not those kind of benefits!

One of my best friends in life is pregnant and her little baby bulge is starting to show. Since she can no longer wear some of her more form-fitting clothes, I did what every good friend should do: I raided her closet. Someone has to wear those clothes during the next 6 months or so!

Her boyfriend also has, oh, 500+ DVDs. So I figure, while I'm in the borrowing mood, why not borrow some DVDs as well. I borrowed the entire first season of LOST (since I've heard it was soooooooo good) and a few movies.

So I began watching LOST, and let me tell you, it's a lot scarier than I expected! I've been watching them while at home alone, and I get really freaked out when I hear creaks and other noises. Appropriately, this morning my microwave became my phantom microwave. My microwave is pretty much the only lit clock in the front of my apartment, so when I came out to the kitchen, I immediately noticed that the clock light was out. Strangely enough, the microwave was still plugged in and the outlet worked. When I opened the microwave door, the microwave turned on and started running! It took a second to register that the plate inside was spinning and the light was on...meaning that microwaves were radiating onto my face as I was holding the door open...

I shut it immediately, unplugged the microwave, checked my face in the mirror for cancerous growths, took a breath, and scratched my head because I had no idea what to do. So for now, I'm without a working microwave. Any suggestions?

Back to Work

Oh happy Monday. I'm already counting down until my next vacation (Labor Day weekend in DC). It's been a long time since I genuinely didn't want to go back home after a vacation. Usually by the last few days, I'm impatient to be back into routine. I went to Knox for the first time in almost a month yesterday. The sermon was great and very convicting. Afterward, I stayed for the Ephesians seminar run by Jeff L. and Fred B. It's always good to do manuscript study although I have to admit exhaustion from the car ride home the night before did impair my observation skills.

Being gone for a week does guarantee work in my inbox. I'm happily plowing through some work-related research as well as resuming work on my manuscript. I realize my presentation is in 2 weeks and I haven't even begun putting together the Powerpoint slides for it. Additionally, I'm a week behind on my grad application schedule due to forgetting my USB flashdisk at work.

July is always a busy month it seems. Last year I somehow decided it would be good to schedule all my medical appointments during this month so my planner greeted me with a to-do list of appointments to schedule. Eye appointment - check! Haircut - check! Luckily I got my dental appointment out of the way before the vacation. My car is also falling apart (besides re-duct-taping it, I need to get an oil change and do a coolant flush at the very least). I did my finances this morning and feel a bit sick to my stomach. I think voice lessons and photography classes may have to wait if I want to travel at all after my Labor Day trip. Also, goodbye mall, hello thrift stores. I also have to be a bit more discerning while buying groceries. Ah, budgets - how I loathe thee.

Kiss My Lobster Pictures

Back in Ann Arbor. The trip was tons of fun and I can't wait for next year's trip already! My apartment is so quiet now that I'm alone instead of constantly being around 7 other people. Instead of posting pictures like my last post, here are links to all the pictures of the trip that I posted on facebook. Enjoy!
Photo Album 1
Photo Album 2

Kiss My Lobster Day 6

I got my photos uploaded to my computer! Some highlights of the last few days:

• Playing catch phrase
• Learning to play Texas Holdem Poker and kicking the guys' butts!
• Field trip to Portland - hiking and relaxing by the waters
• Eating lobster (yummmm)

Here are some pictures(taken on my fab new camera):

Kiss My Lobster Day 4

Happy 4th of July! Woke up at 1 PM today. We went kayaking yesterday and it was the perfect day for it. The view throughout was just gorgeous. I'm just a little sad because I lost my shorts in a river in Maine (don't worry I was wearing the shorts over a swimsuit). We also had a mishap with poison ivy, but luckily Jessi was quick enough to have us rinse our legs in the river immediately afterward.

We had a wonderful dinner of salad and lasagna and played Apples to Apples while munching on puppy chow. The evening ended with a group of us finishing the first season of Veronica Mars.

Today is lounge day. Nothing exciting is happening except for watching TV and playing video games.

Kiss My Lobster Day 3

I suppose my days are incorrectly labeled since I'm writing these posts in the morning about the day before.

We ended up not having to clean yesterday. Andy called the renter and threatened to put a stop to his check if they didn't get back to us about the condition of the house. We were especially miffed about the moldy hot tub since the hot tub is the main reason we're vacation in the woods in Maine rather than on the coast of Maine. They called us back and sent someone over to clean the house that evening. The hot tub will take a few days to fix and clean up, but other than that we're a lot happier.

We slipped back into the same schedule we were in last year: we had breakfast between 10AM and noon, lunch at around 4 pm, and dinner at 10:30 PM. We didn't get groceries until later yesterday, so we had lunch at McDonalds. For dinner, Clint grilled beef, salmon, and vegetables. This guy is a grilling machine - he carries all his grilling supplies on a tool belt. By the end of dinner, he received marriage proposals from all the girls, and even one of the guys.

Afterward we played video games and watched Veronica Mars. Not super exciting. Today I think the plan is to go kayaking.

I have lots of pictures to share, but unfortunately didn't bring the cord that connects my camera to my computer.

Kiss My Lobster Day 2

Now that we have wireless access in our cabin, I'll be updating hopefully pretty regularly.

So yesterday 5 of us drove from Ann Arbor to Maine by way of Canada. The boys were going to meet the girls at our apartments around 5:30 AM and we were going to take off by 6 AM at the latest. Now, I haven't been sleeping all that well last week and I guess my body decided it was time for me to catch up on sleep. At 6:15 AM I woke up to a group of people knocking on my window. I scrambled out of the house hoping and praying I grabbed everything I needed, and we were able to take off within 15 minutes.

The ride was lovely. We went through Ontario and Quebec, entered the US through Vermont and drove to Maine through New Hampshire. The trip didn't take as long as I had expected, perhaps because Jon and I raced each other (very safely) in Ontario, driving 140 kph in a 100 kph freeway. I haven't been to Quebec since I was in elementary school, so that distinct line between Ontario and Quebec came as a shock to me. All of a sudden, the English disappeared and there was nothing but French. We stopped at a McDonalds in Quebec and they weren't even able to communicate with us in English (among all of us, we had Chinese, Spanish, Greek and Egyptian languages covered, but not French), and couldn't take our credit cards. Since we failed to exchange currency for this trip, we had to wait till we got back to the US to eat. At one point, both Clint and I (in separate cars) both remarked that it felt like we were in a foreign country...which I guess we were since Canada is not the US.

We finally got to our cabin and it is the freakiest place ever. The three that got there earlier on Saturday ended up washing all the sheets for us. Today is going to be filled with cleaning the rooms, vacuuming, cleaning the sauna, and grocery shopping. The renter has decorated the cabin with skulls, swords, and bullets. Mel is convinced he also has the house bugged. Anyway, we're going to try to get some of our money back because it's ridiculous we have to spend a whole day cleaning on our vacation.

I've started using my digital camera and hopefully will have pictures up by tomorrow. =)

Maine, here I come!

I'm turning into a hypochondriac. I think I may have anemia which would explain my fatigue, irritability, headaches, and dizziness. It won't explain the insomnia (a whopping 3 hours of sleep last night!), but I'm getting my blood tested after getting back from my vacation.

Not looking forward to saying goodbye to a co-worker and friend of 1 year. We're going out tonight and dancing to send her off. Probably not the smartest thing for me to do since I only slept 3 hours last night. Oh well, it's almost the weekend.

Looking forward to my vacation in Maine with awesome awesome friends. Leaving early Saturday for our 15+ hour drive. Looking forward to sleeping in, lounging around, hiking, water-skiing, setting off fireworks. Here's our cabin:


Recently got into the TV show Veronica Mars. Appropriate, since last week I threw down some money and purchased this baby:


That's a Nikon D50 6.1 MP Digital SLR with a 18-55 mm lens. So I'll be taking pictures during my hikes.

I also realized I've been neglecting my other "babies." I've been playing more on my keyboard lately and I plan to take my guitar on the trip with me and spend some quality time with it.

Poisonwood Bible

I checked out the Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver to read on my way to and from work. This excerpt made me laugh out loud on the bus:

"So determined he is to win or force or drag them over to the Way of the Cross. Feed the belly first, he announced at dinner one night, seized with his brilliant plan. Feed the belly and the soul will come...The whole village feasted all day, ate, ate till we felt bug-eyed and belly-up ourselves. He performed a backward version of the loaves and fishes, trying to stuff ten thousand fish into fifty mouths, did the Reverend Price. Slogging up and down the riverbank in trousers wet to the knees, his Bible in one hand and another stickful of fire-blackened fish in the other, he waved his bounty in a threatening manner. Thousands more fish jerked in the sun and went bad along the riverbanks. Our village was blessed for weeks with the smell of putrefaction. Instead of abundance it was a holiday of waste. No ice. Our Father forgot, for fishing in the style of modern redneck Georgia you need your ice. He was not going to bring up the loaves and fishes in today's sermon, was a good guess."

It's brilliant. =)

At the blink of an eye

Ever had a week when you felt like you were living a slightly different life?

This week has been one of those. Work has been going well, and I'm been getting done all the stuff I need to get done at home. I've been busy with my own research as well as working on my personal statements. I've been working out and going to my yoga classes. I visited the UM Museum of Art's photography exhibit (LOVED it by the way and am going back again), saw a movie at Showcase (with the exception of the Da Vinci Code, it's the first time I paid over $1.50 to see a movie all year), shopped around Whole Foods for the first time today on my lunch break, and am spending time hanging out with friends. I've also been getting enough sleep every night. Tonight I'm going to visit the new Chinese market in Ypsi and buy Chinese snack foods. And it's Wednesday and the first day of summer.

Things are going smoothly this week. It's scary. I'm so used to chaos and feeling days and days behind schedule or feeling dazed and sleep-deprived. Well, I'm a bit tired today because of the rain. I kept waking up this morning to the thunder and I thought my umbrella was going to break under the pressure of the rain on my way to the bus. I'm not a big fan of rainy days unless I get to stay in all day and watch it through the window.

A few nights ago it really hit me that one day I'm going to look back at these two years of my life and treasure them as two of the best years of my life. After grad school I'll probably work in academia or at a research facility, finally settle down, perhaps have a family, and remember the 2 years in my life when I was living by myself as a young professional with little responsibility and the freedom to enjoy life. I love that I've been hopping on a plane and flying somewhere at least every other month this year. I love that I can choose to spend a week in a cabin with college friends drinking beer in hot tubs and playing pool. I love that I have the freedom to make stupid decisions like go out with friends till late on a weeknight and crash early the next night. Although sometimes it gets lonely and quiet living by myself, I have sole control of the remote and the dishes can pile up for a few days without anyone nagging or complaining. I need to learn to enjoy every moment my life and to live it fully. This is my last year in Ann Arbor, and I want to make the most of it. It's scary how fast things can change. In the next few weeks I'm going to have to say goodbye to some dear friends of mine. Some friends are getting married, others are breaking up, while others are adjusting to the reality of being pregnant. Although I feel so detached from all that, it's a reminder that life can change at the blink of an eye.

Product Reviews

The other week I was in Kroger and Yoplait's whipped yogurt was on sale. I'm usually a Dannon girl myself but I thought what the hey, I'll give them a try. Well, flavor-wise they weren't so bad except it was more like eating dessert than a healthy snack. I'm not a big fan of the whipped texture though. It was like eating airy pudding - gross! If I were an infant, I'd definitely have to be burped after consumption. Needless to say, I'm sticking with Dannon yogurt.

I also bought beauty products from Avon for the first time. My supervisor brought an Avon catalog to work and I flipped through it. I never even looked at the catalog before because my brain immediate processes: Avon: brand-name: expensive, no buy. I was surprised by how inexpensive their products were when on sale - I bought some makeup for cheaper than I would have gotten them at the drugstore. Surprisingly, the quality wasn't as great as I thought. Anyway, I may buy Avon again if it was really cheap, but not otherwise.

Work has been a lot more fun now that I have work to do. I started attending the Yoga classes at Bally's and I love love love the class. I was surprised by how much of a workout it was! I was also shocked by how flexible and strong my lower-body was (from running), and how inflexible and weak my upper-body was in contrast!

My sleep has improved this week although Tuesday night I decided to go out to the Jug with my friend Lena at 10 PM. I didn't get home till 1 AM and the lack of sleep that night put me out of commission for Wednesday. In college, 4 hours of sleep one night wouldn't have affected me at all. Now, it messes my entire sleep schedule up and I can't think straight for days afterward.

Let's Get Physical

I'm so sore. I went to my first Pilates class yesterday and I'm happy to say I think it's actually effective. I'm going to try Yoga out as well next week and we'll see how toned I get in a few months.

I also added to my home decor. My living room now has a few Picasso prints and I got some black and white photos of Europe for my bedroom. Hmm...that reminds me, I have to check out the photography exhibit at the UM Museum of Art.

I finally visited the Mallett's Creek branch of the Ann Arbor Public Library near my apartment. I had a delightful time finding books I've been meaning to reread and exploring the youth fiction section. It really brings back memories of library trips when I was in Elementary School. I checked out a few fairytales (Ella Enchanted type books) just for old time's sake.

I slept better last night than I have for awhile. I finally went to the pharmacy and bought Melatonex, a sleeping aid that's supposedly non-addictive. My insomnia got to be ridiculous this week to the point of impairing my productivity at work. I think I'm going to try it again tonight.

Yay it's the weekend. I'm looking forward to an evening at home, popping in a DVD I got from the library, knitting, calling it an early night so I can go out and play in the sun tomorrow =).

Dreamer

I haven't been sleeping terribly well this week and I'm blaming it on the Pistons and Dan Brown.

Monday I watched the game and read Angels and Demons. Tuesday I saw the Da Vinci Code. I've also been having the most vivid nightmares about the most mundane and ridiculous things. Like 2 nights ago, I woke up in a huge sweat because I dreamed that I ruined my pouf somehow and had to go to Target and buy another one for $1.99. Ah, the horror of that!

My Myers Briggs personality is ESTP although I'm starting to suspect that living alone was converting me to an "I" (introvert). Now that the red-headed girl and Jessi moved into my apartment complex, I've been hanging out with them as well as my Polish girls almost everyday. Although it's been awesome, it's taking me a bit to get used to first of all going out every evening, and second of all seeing the same people everyday. I said to Ian yesterday "Man, I just am not used to seeing the same person more than 2 days in a row. Do you think they're going to get tired of me?" To which he scoffed and reminded me that I used to hang out with the same people everyday 7 days a week while I was in college. I find myself craving time to process alone (the new "I" side of me), but then the "E" side of me trumps that and I go out anyway. It shouldn't take me too long to adjust.

One thing I've been sad about is not having time everyday to do my Chinese lessons at home. I've been listening to Rainie Yang's (Yang Cheng Ling) album Ai Mei nonstop though. I don't know why, but her song Li Xiang Qing Ren makes me really really happy.

Research Rants

As some of you know, I'm trying to conduct my own Psych study at the U this fall. I'm currently applying for IRB approval (the ethical board at the University) as the approval is required for me to interact with human subjects for my study.

After jumping hoop after hoop (complications are that I'm not faculty or a student at the University, also that although I'm a researcher at the University, I'm with the medical school rather than the Psych department), I get this email:

Dear Tracy, Could you please clarify why you are conducting this study? Also, could you please clarify the role of [omitted name 1] in this study? Kind regards, [omitted name 2]

To which I replied:

Dear [omitted name 2], [omitted name 1] and I conducted a study while I was an undergraduate Psychology student and she was a graduate Social Psychology student here at the University. We are currently working on publishing our previous study and wish to further our research on romantic relationships. [omitted name 1] will be conducting some of the research at Rutgers University (she is a faculty member there and will also be mentoring me), but because I am the principal investigator on this study, I would also like to take part in conducting experiments. I do plan on researching romantic relationships further in graduate school, but for now I am not an enrolled student. I am working for the University, hence, my desire to conduct this research at the University. [omitted name 3], a faculty here, has graciously offered to act as a resident faculty here and to mentor me on this project as well. I hope this answers your questions. Please let me know if further clarification is required. Thank you, Tracy

Sometimes, I just hate this University.

May Showers

It's been a rainy month but hopefully the sun is here to stay. I just got back from a weekend trip to Durham to see my ladies from the Pirate House. It was a short, but fun-filled weekend with spa night, tours of Duke and Chapel-Hill, a picnic in the garden, a nice dinner, relaxing breakfasts, yummy ice cream, games and movies, and lots of giggles with some of my best friends. I got up early this morning, had a nice workout, ate breakfast while reading the newspaper (a new habit I want to get into), and went to work almost on time (45 minutes earlier than I usually get to work). None of my superiors were in, but I had a little bit of work to do still. I just finished one of my grants, so big transitions are to come in terms of work. I did the only thing that made sense to me to do at a time like this: I redecorated my cubicle. =) It's been over a year since I started this job and I'm finally feeling confidant and comfortable at work. I was so nervous a year ago. I'd wear formal work-wear everyday and never walked around without my name badge. Today I threw on a black v-neck tee and green peasant skirt with sandels and I was good to go. I leave for the Big Apple Thursday morning. I'm pretty excited. I finally finished my poster this morning. I'm trying to work extra hours today and tomorrow so I can actually make it up to North Campus to print it out.

This week is busy with preparations for the conference and making time for the Pistons game. =) Then I'll finally be able to go to church in Ann Arbor again!

I registered for the (free) One Thing Regional Conference in Chicago for June 16-17 after discovering that the cheapest, seediest motel only costs $48 a night. Dunno if that's the smartest thing in the world considering that I'm presenting at another Psych conference in Ann Arbor less than a week afterward. Still, I think it'll be worth it. Anyone interested in coming with me?

Serenade

I don't know why, but this week I've tallied up a short list of songs I want a guy to serenade me with or dance with me to:

1. The Glory of Love - Pete Cetera
2. I'll Be There for You - Bon Jovi
3. The Nearness of You - Hoagy Carmichael (although I prefer Ella Fitzgerald/Louis Armstrong's version
4. The Way You Look Tonight - Frank Sinatra
5. Moonriver - Breakfast at Tiffany's
6. Blue Moon - (I dunno who sang it first, I feel like everyone sang it: Elvis Presley, Sinatra, etc)

Chicago

I had such a fun weekend!

Friday after work, I left for Evanston, IL to visit my favorite red-head. Unfortunately, I-94 is under construction pretty much all through Indiana so traffic and detours were a pain. Still, I got there safe and sound thanks to my crappy and duct-taped yet ever so reliable car Vinnie.

Saturday morning, I ran a 5-K at Northwestern. Since 5-K is only 3.1 miles, I didn't really prepare or over-train for it. It was a LOT harder than I expected, probably because I was much more conscious about the speed I was running. The whole time, I had a running commentary in my head. "Oh, I can feel the bag of Jelly-bellys I devoured last night." "Why on earth didn't I eat a balanced meal??" "Just burned off 4 Gobstoppers..." "How are tiny people with no muscles running faster than me?" Lesson learned: eat well before the race, no matter how short it may seem. My meal the night before consisted of Jimmy John's Sorry Charlie and a box of Gobstoppers. Bad idea.

Afterward, we went to the Chicago Botanical Gardens. It was so incredibly gorgeous! My favorite part of it was probably the Japanese Garden. We felt like we were in the end scene of Memoirs of a Geisha.

We walked around downtown Evanston for a bit and shopped and ate dinner. Then we drove back to Chicago to catch a show at Improv Olympic. The show was really funny and they improvised a whole musical the night we went!

We ended the evening by renting "Joe Versus the Volcano." It was Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan's first movie together and supposedly very very good. It turned out to be one of the strangest and most random movie I've watched. I wouldn't say it was super good.

The next day was leisurely. Church, then lunch at a kitzchy diner, then ice cream at Cold Stone. Then back to Michigan I went.

Now that the academic year is over, work is slowing down A LOT. I'm really looking forward to this week though. Hopefully I'll be spending my time starting some new hobbies and catching up with friends.

It feels like spring...

I woke up this morning and wished I had a summer break. Yesterday was sooooo beautiful out and I didn't get a chance to go outside because I was working. =(

I'm running my first race this weekend and I'm pretty scared. It's only a 5-K so I'm not buying any special running gear. I'm not going to think about it anymore and just run. I don't know why I keep making plans to race. I don't even like running half the time.

On a happy note, not only do I get to see my favorite Red-Headed Girl this weekend, but she's moving back to Ann Arbor in June to an apartment two buildings down from me. Yay!!

Good Friday

"When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin.

Because the sinless Savior died
My sinful soul is counted free
For God the just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me"

I'm still sick from this weekend.

And my hairdryer broke this morning. =(

Feeling pretty unmotivated at work today.

Last week I asked the question "can you be friends with an ex?" Well, my friends, the answer is that you can't and in trying to, you'll experience even more hurt. Well, you live and you learn.

I can't believe it's April already. The year is just whizzing by. I feel like I went through a lot of transition this past few months and I have a lot of transitions coming up including changing churches as well as saying goodbye to a community that has been my family for the last 4 years. I've felt conflict and pain in almost every area of my life (besides family, thank goodness) and have been brought face to face with who I have become over the last few years. One thing I've learned is to not be afraid of who I am because Christ's work on the cross has justified all and His work of sanctification can overcome all our weaknesses. It hit me this weekend how beautiful life is and how simple it can be. I have a lot to look forward to and will press on toward the perfection that Christ has called us to.

Task #24: Sleep in till noon. I was so traumatized from the weekend that I took a sick day off work yesterday and slept in till 12:30 PM. It felt glorious.

Task #63: Order a Dirty Grey Goose Martini. Okay I'm going to lie on this one. I ordered a dirty gin martini because I knew I wasn't going to like the olive juice and I didn't want to waste the cash on the Grey Goose. I'll order a Grey Goose martini of some sort next time to balance this one out. I was at Seva with Autry and Amanda and couldn't decide what drink to order when Amanda reminded me of this particular task. It was the most disgusting drink I have ever tried. Never again am I ordering a dirty martini.

Task #95: Devise a great April Fool's prank. Does this mean I had to carry it out? I had the best prank and last minute a few things went wrong and the whole prank fell through. Well, there's always next year!

Been meaning to blog, but everytime I do catch a moment, I have no idea what to blog about! So here's just some random thoughts:

Product review: Blistex Lip Infusion. After seeing Ad after ad after ad, I decided to be a sucker and give in a try it. Although it was nice and cool and smelled somewhat attractive, it left a waxy feel on my lips (contrary to what was advertised!) and dried out my lips completely until I finally had to cough up $2 for new chapstick. Conclusion: It was horrible. Don't buy it!

Why are relationships such a salient part of women's lives? I feel that over and over again I talk to women who have great friends and successful jobs/careers, yet their lack of relationship causes them to question everything they do have. Also, broken relationships hurt women more than they care to admit - and no matter how strong they are, that failed relationship seems to haunt women. Can a woman balance relationship and family with a career? All the twenty-somethings I talk to say you have to pursue one wholeheartedly or the other. The late thirty/forty year-olds say that when you're young and in your twenties, that's the best time to pursue a family. I'm going to take my cue from the more mature folks and conclude that it is indeed possible to start a family and still pursue my PhD. Wow - that means I only have 6 years left... Can you be friends with an ex? I dunno - but I'm finally giving it a go.

The more I get to know my boss and her thought processes in her research, the more I realize how simple my mind is. I have barely scratched the surface in the research world and I have so much to learn.

My back is officially straight again and I only have a few visits left to the physical therapist.

I also finally picked out a color for my apartment walls and it's getting painted next Wednesday. Whee!!

I also got a new cell phone so for the first time since I moved in, I have reception in my apartment!!

I have been too tired to cook lately so I bought a huge family size can of Chef Boyardee Ravioli and have been picking at it since Monday. I need to cook healthy food again. Especially since I'm finally getting somewhere with my marathon training.

Finally, I'm realizing there is indeed a difference between pursuing God and pursuing holiness. If you pursue holiness as an end to itself, your priorities are off and there's room for selfish motivation and moral filth to pollute your heart. James is such a convicting book because it urgently calls us to examine our hearts and our motivations.

Yay - I'm going to Durham in May to hang out with my foos. That's 2 weekends in May that I'll be out of Michigan. I love traveling!

101 update:

#50: Learn to play guitar well enough to lead worship with it. I don't know how well I played, but I did lead worship at church with it and no one told me that the music was horrible. Of course I had another guitarist and keyboardist to back me up, but the point is that I did it and was able to concentrate on worshiping God instead of worrying too much about the music.

#80: Open a Savings Account. I'm so tight on cash that I decided to just open a savings account and add to it every month and never touch that money unless it's an emergency.

Ramblings

I believe this is the first time I've updated by blog from home since I started this blog!

As some of you noticed, Tracy's been a bit unreachable lately. I've been bad at returning "non-business" emails. I do not really have phone reception at home, so I'm pretty much unreachable via phone. It's frustrating.

Work is going well. My boss gave me a promotion, so now I'm getting a taste of what it feels like to feel that 40 hours is not long enough of a work-week. I come home pretty exhausted and fade pretty quickly. Unfortunately, we're trying to finish the first draft of one of my Psych papers by Friday, and I find myself going home every evening staring at my computer screen in a mental stupor thinking "aren't I supposed to go to grad school to learn to write one of these things?" Eh, the week is almost over.

This weekend is the IV Women's Relationship brunch. I'm pretty excited about it! I'm hosting it at my apartment and we're going to talk about 1) the drive behind desiring romantic relationships (identity issue vs. healthy desire), 2) what constitutes a Godly relationship, and 3) Our relationships with others (including other women). I've jokingly thought about using this as a focus group for one of my papers since #1 is what my research is mostly about. It should be a good retreat. =)

My poster was accepted at the APS convention in May. I'll be staying at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Times Square and hopefully having a mini rendez-vous with Deezy. I'm still hoping to make it to a foo-reunion in Durham, NC the weekend before, but that all depends on how much my week-long trip to Maine this summer with old roommates and friends will cost. A lot of traveling, I know, but that's where I've decided to spend my money.

So yesterday I was reading Deutoronomy 18-20 and I noticed two things:
1) The shedding of innocent blood was repeatedly portrayed as a grave, grave wrong. As I've been talking about Christ's death in reading the Cross of Christ and my Bible Study, I feel that it only emphasizes the incredible injustice Jesus willingly submitted to when he, innocent of all wrong, chose to be our substitute in facing the wrath of God.
2) I finally get the eye for an eye deal! I guess I always vaguely understood that Jesus "changed" things when he came. Yet, when I was reading eye for an eye, etc, I realized that this truth is unchanged today. God demands justice. Yet, when Jesus died on the cross, we sinners were justified. Thus no longer do we have to repay eye for eye, tooth for tooth, because justification for the eye and the tooth already took place on the cross! That is what Jesus meant when he said that he did not come to abolish the law but to fulfill it! (Matt 5:17) How exciting!

Anyway, it's 10 PM and already I cannot keep my eyes open. I'm going to be an old person now and drag myself to bed.

Blessed...or not?

I'm back in Ann Arbor from a wonderful trip to Florida! My apartment is becoming more and more homey each day. Yesterday, I bought a nice wooden mahogany coffee table off Craigslist and it's amazing how it transformed my living room. My project this week is to choose a paint color for my living room walls after which I'll get a living room rug, pin cushions for my couches, and maybe some wall art.

The business trip to Florida was amazing. The first couple of days I spent in West Palm Beach. Wednesday, Marta drove up from Miami to go to the beach with me, then that evening I had dinner in Ft. Lauderdale with my boss and her brother. The rest of the week I spent in Naples. I ate a lot of seafood and enjoyed 80 degree weather everyday. I tanned almost every afternoon. I dined at some high-class restaurants, and stayed at the Marriott and the Hilton.

This week made me think about what it meant to "be blessed." I remember back in the youth group days when we used to go around in a circle and share with others why we were blessed. We were encouraged to share answers such as "I'm blessed because I have a roof over my head" or "I'm blessed because I have food to eat." Well, last week I was sitting in a nice restaurant, rubbing shoulders with rich old folks, when I realized the temptation to call myself blessed because I have access to these materialistic things. Somehow, I felt that being blessed doesn't mean riches or education. It doesn't mean food on the table or even a roof over our head. Or does it?

I feel that the Biblical use of "blessed" on one hand focuses on the eternal. In the Beatitudes, Jesus is obviously referring to the eternal. "blessed...because theirs is the Kingdom of God." But then, in Job, the Lord "blessed" the latter part of Job's life how? By increasing his material riches.

So what does it mean to be blessed? I'm not quite sure. Any thoughts?

101 update:
Task 58: Go to the beach. Marta and I meant to go to Juno Beach in Florida. We got lost on the freeway and stopped by an Applebees for lunch. Our very exuberant waitress directed us to Singer's Beach. It was a lot smaller, but still fun.

Task 78: Keep to my budget for 2 months. This was difficult to do with a lot of unexpected expenses popping up. Luckily, with tax returns, etc, I was able to pay off the extra expenses with the extra money coming in (not ideal, of course...next year I'll save my extra income). I also had to give up that massage and scuba-diving in Florida to stick to my monthly budget. =(

Task 90: Take the bus to work. I have to do that now I live way off campus and still refuse to pay for a parking space on campus. Also, UM students and employees now can take the AATA for free. It's pretty fun and stress-free to take the bus - except today, when I missed the bus because I forgot my ID badge in my apartment.

Changes

Not sure how I feel about the new layout, but I needed the change.

This was a bit of a crazy week for me. I realized that I experienced a lot of changes these past 2 months... and there are many more changes to come!

Starting 2006...

• I'm single again
• I have bangs
• I have a tattoo
• I moved into my own apartment
• I went on my first business trip

I was looking at my 101 in 1001 and wished there were other things I put on there. For example, I should have included getting a tattoo, going scuba-diving...

101 update

#2&3: Keep the list updated and Blog about each item. Although I'm not finished with this list, I suppose keeping things updated for 2 months allows me to assume that I'm going to accomplish these two items.

#87: Live on my own. I just moved into a nice 1-bedroom apartment today. I'm super excited about living on my own. My parents are bringing some furniture tomorrow. For now, I'm all set in my apartment except I have no living room furniture. Eventually, I'm going to set it up with a loveseat and 2 wicker chairs. If anyone wants to donate any of those items, let me know! Until then, if anyone has a tent I can borrow to set up in my living room for fun, let me know. After spring break I'll look into getting a cat. =)

#94: Finish a crossword puzzle without any help. I kinda cheated on this one. Newsday crossword puzzles are incredibly easy. But hey, I finished it without help.

A week of food

I feel like I went to bed Sunday and woke up to a Thursday. Where did this week go?

101 update:
Task #49: Cook a new recipe a week for 6 weeks
Week 1: Beef with Pea pods
Week 2: Shrimp with Soy beans
Week 3: Veggie Alfredo pasta
Week 4: Red Bean Soup
Week 5: Teriyaki Pork (with homemade teriyaki sauce)
Week 6: Orange-glazed pork chops
Week 7: Spicy BBQ Ribs (I threw in the 7th week just for kicks since the red bean soup was kind of a cop-out)

All of them turned out well except the orange-glazed pork chops. I'll have to try that again. The Spicy BBQ sauce was also homemade (oil, water, vinegar, garlic powder, onion powder, pepper, ground red pepper) - and I'm not sure I'm a big fan. I like ribs, but I don't think I'll make it at home again. They're so heavy!

Task #81: Eat only homecooked meals for 1 week
It wasn't that hard - I don't go out to eat very much anymore.

Lots of thoughts, but I'm too tired to blog more right now.

Being Frugal

I noticed this morning that my lifestyle choices have greatly changed since I started working. Although I still like pretty things and have a tendency to be materialistic, materialism no longer takes up my time or money. Here are just some of things that have changed:

• Instead of $45 haircuts at Salon XL, I now opt for $15 cuts at the Aveda Institute
• Instead of $20-30 Bumble&Bumble hair products, I now buy $5.99 products from Garnier Fructese
• Instead of $60 hair coloring, I dye my own hair and do my own highlights for $10
• Instead of $2.50 floss, I buy $0.99 floss
• Instead of $70 dress pants, I wear $19 clearance dress pants (which I was very glad to hear from my co-workers that they still look like they were tailored especially for me!)
• Instead of $70 cashmere scarves, I'm knitting my own scarves (which costs about $3.99-$15 in material!)
• I only buy my shampoo and body wash on clearance
• Heck, I even buy makeup on clearance - my lipstick (that I love) was on sale for $0.99
• I buy store-brand cereal if nothing else is on sale
• I eat out much less (and when I do, I always box leftovers for at least 1-2 more meals)
• I work hard at my job and treat my business trips as vacations =)
• I realized this morning that most of my clothes are 2-4 years old or were bought recently on sale (note: most, not all)
• I check gasbuddy.com to get the cheapest gas...and I fill up on Wednesday evenings because gas prices rise on weekends
• I now read the news online rather than subscribing to Time Magazine or a newspaper
• Two sites I frequent prior to making big purchases: overstock.com and shopping.com
• I actually use the $$ advice from my favorite magazine, such as this or this.
• Three words: cash back bonuses.
• I go to the library instead of the bookstore.

There are some things I still occasionally splurge on. Such as cooking supplies and spices (my spice racks are shaping up quite nicely! =)) I used to be a big spender. I guess these decisions developed over the last year. Call me cheap, call me thrifty, but I'm happy. =) Ah, the joys of frugality.

Sleep-Deprived

I woke up this morning and felt like I was run over by a truck. I think I took on too much this semester and I'm tired. To top things off, I found out last Friday that I have scoliosis. It should be correctable with physical therapy, but until then I have to radically change my posture and carry less in my bags. I woke up to back pain this morning. I don't know if it's really getting worse by the day or if I'm just more aware of it now.

February is a tough month to get through because it's right smack in the middle of Michigan winter. My mantra now is "3 more weeks till Florida." I've decided to take no work with me and treat my off days like a true vacation. I'll even allot a whole day to sleeping.

Some thoughts I've had about worship and vocation. I read in T. Trevethan's book The Beauty of God's Holiness that worship is about the object of worship (God). It's not about us or how we're best served or what we're used to. In fact, the reason the Israelites tended to corrupt worship was because they started practices that made more sense to them (modeled after pagan practices in their culture) rather than worshiping the way God had mandated them to. As I'm planning the worship seminar for my church, I've been thinking a lot about the style of worship. We often worship (musically) a certain way because it "reaches us more" or because we're "more comfortable with it." But those are not Biblical reasons to choose how to worship. In fact, the concept of choice in how to worship is not Biblical. So where does that leave us?

Similarly, we have this concept about vocation that we're called to do what God has best gifted us to do. We're also called to do what we're passionate about doing. But in the Bible, God often called people that didn't seem to fit their calling. Moses was not an orator. Gideon was not a warrior. Neither initially had the desire and passion or the giftings to do what they were clearly called to do. So where does that leave us in our search for our vocations?

The whole notion of worship and vocations fitting us - is that a new and incorrect concept? If so, how do we decide how to worship as a church? How do we decide what career to go into? I'm so confused. Maybe because I'm tired.

101 update
Task #99: Make chocolate-covered strawberries…and eat them. Saturday we had a spontaneous girl's night and we tried out my new dessert fondue. It didn't work terribly well, but it did work. We melted Ghiradelli milk chocolate and cut up bananas and strawberries to dip. It was delicious! =)

Back in Michigan

*edit* Woo-hoo~ my week-long, all-expense-paid business trip to Palm Beach, FL just got approved by the department!! =D *end edit*

What I didn't realize until right before landing in Palm Springs is that it is quite literally an oasis in the middle of a desert. Palm Springs is beautiful; I woke up to a view of tall, thin palm trees against the backdrop of purple mountains. The architecture in Palm Springs is refreshing. Being a desert resort, the buildings were built akin to those in small Mexican villages with colors such as bright blue, yellow, and terracotta constrasting against the green palm trees and cacti. The conference was both intense and stimulating. We were completely immersed in social psych research from 8 AM to 7 PM everyday. Besides short 15 minute coffee breaks and a lunch hour, we were going from lectures to lectures with poster sessions in between. Good connections were made during the trip, while new ideas were dreamed up. I feel a combination of excitement and fear about my future career.

Highlights of the trip:

• Tanning by the pool during lunch breaks
• Walking around at night...without a jacket or coat
• Meeting people that I've cited in my papers or want to work with in grad school
• West coast seafood
• Going out drinking with former colleagues (now professors) and former GSIs
• Yummy fruit smoothies
• Shopping for souvenirs and doing other touristy things
• Finding strawberry gummies at the Dallas/Fort Worth airport!!!
• Star-gazing from the plane at 32,000 feet altitude

and just to update on my 101 in 1001....

#6 & 7: Go to the doctor's/go to the dentist: I caught up on these last weekend. I finally asked my doctor to look at my back (I have chronic back pain) and am starting physical therapy this week.

#4: Drink no caffeine for 1 month: I started over Christmas break because I knew my family in New York don't buy pop or really anything with caffeine (except tea, which I'm not partial to). For those who thought I couldn't go without caffeine for a month, boo-yah! ;)

California...

here I come!

In less than 2 days I will be in Palm Springs, CA for the SPSP Annual Conference!





It is currently 76 degrees there right now. =D

Weekend recall

What a weekend. =)

Friday:

• Finding out that Jeff and Lisa had their baby Emma
• IVCF/CCF joint large group meeting (amazing worship!)
• Wiping out on the "shortcut of death" between my apartment and Ian's house
• Knitting while watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Saturday:

• Breakfast with Shelley
• Amazing worship practice (using a piano with missing keys)
• Task #57: Go to the Zoo. I haven't been to the zoo forever so I emailed the ladies of InterVarsity and 12 of us drove to the Toledo Zoo this past Saturday. (pics to come later). It was a cold, but greeeeat time! We saw a black light puppet show, danced to the catchy tune "I love the Zoo" in a connection tunnel thingy, watched the polar bear feeding, saw really pretty (and ugly) birds and fish, lions, tigers, and bears (oh my!), penguins, and of course, the smelly monkeys.
• Tattoo parlor (that's right, I finally got one!)
• Knitting while watching Strictly Ballroom

Sunday:

• Trying to leave for church in a frenzy. I woke up late, my phone was dead, I was trying to herd the worship materials + cell phone charger + 2 guitars out the door all at once. I ended up forgetting a guitar somehow and Kristen had to walk it to church for me. =/
• The funnest time I had leading worship in a looooong time!
• Hearing about a TON of engagements - at least it seems like a ton (Amy + Josh, Kathy + Dan)
• Retreat of silence
• Dinner with the roomies

101 update

Work has actually been getting much busier, leaving me with less and less time to blog and kill time on the Internet. I'm pretty happy right now. It doesn't hurt that Heather burned me the last two year's worth of Hope College CD's.

Not that many updates, but here goes:
Task #35: Make my bed everyday for a week. For those of you who don't know, our apartment did some roommate switches and I now have a new roommate. The nice thing is that Kristen is student teaching, has to be at school at 7 AM, and thus gets up at the same time around me each morning (6 AM). This is very convenient as we now have 2 alarms going off at the same time making it almost impossible to sleep through/snooze through the alarm clock and that I actually get to get ready in my room with the lights on! Having the light on makes it easier for me to pick up after myself and make the bed. I am proud of say, I made a point of making my bed everyday this week. =)

Task #62: Go for a night out and dance. I went out with my work friends to Live at PJ's (awesome awesome club!!) to grab a drink and dance on Thursday night. It was fun, but I wasn't really in the mood to dance. Saturday night, Bert was in town and so after Charlie's, him, Brian, and Tim dragged me to go dancing at the Necto. It was definitely an experience, but fun. =)

Task #83: Call Maintenance to fix all the broken things in my apartment; Task # 84: Reorganize my music binder; Task #85: Reorganize the church's music binder.
Finally got down to business to get these things done. Of course, calling maintenance doesn't mean that maintenance is prompt in responding. After reorganizing some binders, I think I'm going to spend a few evenings in the church house this week organizing worship stuff. I'm sure I'll be glad to get it out of the way when things pick up more with IV for the semester.

I'm starting to get pretty disorganized. I proposed a trip to the Toledo Zoo for the women in IV not realizing that the date I proposed was this Saturday! Oh well, I cleared my schedule and we are now going. Call it unintentional spontenaity.

On another note, I finished the whole first series of Meteor Garden (a Chinese Drama series) in a week. Sad, I know, but sooooo good. =)

So it begins...

The New Year. My favorite time of the year. My mom tells me that making plans is my form of therapy. New Years Resolution is the perfect outlet for that. My break was pretty good. Rob and I broke it off so my plans had to change last minute which kinda sucked. After Christmas in New York with the Kwang family, I ended up going to Toronto for New Year's. Highlights in between included having a reunion with housemates from the 516 Fourth days. I also listened to a lot of Kelly Clarkson, which I have to say, is such a great break-up album. =)

This year's resolutions? Too many to list. I'm embarking on a project I've seen on other blogs called 101 in 1001. In 1001 days, I will accomplish the 101 tasks listed on the sidebar of my blog.

101 Update:
Task #91: Buy an Mp3 Player of some sort (iPod/iPod shuffle preferably). So one of my aunts bought me a nice Coach bag for Christmas (!!!). Unfortunately, the look was a bit outdated so I took it back into the store and exchanged it for a smaller and thus slightly less expensive black hobo bag. Using the leftover money, I invested in an iPod nano. It's great!

It was hard to wake up this morning and go to work. I was up late dyeing my hair. It was supposed to be dark ash brown but turned out black on me. I don't mind - I quite like the dark look for winter. I was also watching my new obsession: Chinese soaps. Although I can understand most of it, I realize there are drawbacks to being illiterate in Chinese. At one point, the camera focused on something written on the chalkboard then cut to the character's look of horror at what was written. That was the cliffhanger on which the episode ended. I couldn't read what was written and thus have no idea what was wrong. I lost sleep over that last night.

Winter Blues

I've had an ongoing cold for the past few weeks that I can't seem to shake off.

Anyway, as part of my post-Psych GRE crisis, I plan to start at least 4 different hobbies: knitting, yoga, music (spending more time on it), and cooking. The cooking is going well. I'm trying one new recipe a week. First week I make pork with Rosemary. Second week I tried this beef stirfry with sugarpeas. This week, I may put this cooking on hold as I'm probably not going to be eating at home very much. The knitting is finally on its way too. As of last Sunday my living room was an explosion of yarn. This week (after three attempts and 8 hours of Law and Order SVU), I actually have two rows knitted. I plan on spending much more time on music in January and I'll start taking yoga classes then too.

Christmas present exchanging have started. Rob bought me nice leather gloves. My boss bought me a cashmere sweater. I've never cared about gifts but this year there are two things I particularly want this year (but know I won't get): 1) MP3 player (I actually really want an iPod - I sold out!!), and 2) a nice digital camera so I could start a 5th hobby: photography (but these are upwards of $1000 so I've not holding my breath!) All my Christmas shopping is bought and wrapped. I can't believe one week from now my trip to New York will be halfway over!! Crazy.

I looked at some apartments this week. I visited the Medical Center Court Apartments and also the Pheasant Run Apartments. I didn't get to tour the Medical Center Court Apartments since the office was closed but if I could get a good deal there it's close to where I work. Pheasant Run is more ideal (prices are much cheaper than the Internet says). They're REALLY nice, much less expensive, but they are also a little farther from campus than I like. I guess I'll resume looking in January.

That's it for now. I think I'm going to try the 1001 Day Project. I should come up with my list of things to do....

Singing in the Rain meets Hip-Hop meets Techno

Check this out if you have Quicktime. It made me laugh. =)

*edit*
A quick rant about landlords: so my landlord keeps making clerical mistakes and forgetting that my old security deposit transferred over to my new apartment and the leftover money covered Oct. rent. As a result, I get a phone call at the beginning of every month telling me that I owe money from October. Yesterday, I get an eviction notice in the mail (?!?!). I quickly call and find out that the same issue just was never clearly documented in our ledger. The guy promised he'd make the change but was really short with me on the phone. He told me that my balance was cleared up, that I could disregard the eviction notice, but one of my housemates forgot to pay this month's rent and will be charged a late fee. I asked him to fax me the ledger for my own protection that this would never happen again. 1/2 hour later, I receive the ledger in the fax with a note that said "we made another mistake: your housemate has paid the rent in full. all late fees are waived." grrrr!!!

Currently listening to: The Best of Ella Fitzgerald. Most of the songs on there are duets with Louis Armstrong. I REALLY like this CD.

Thoughts on a Tuesday

"The concept of substitution may be said, then, to lie at the heart of both sin and salvation. For the essence of sin is man substituting himself for God, while the essence of salvation is God substituting himself for man. Man asserts himself against God and puts himself where only God deserves to be; God sacrifices himself for man and puts himself where only man deserves to be. Man claims prerogatives which belong to God alone; God accepts penalties which belong to man alone." ~John Stott

As I had stated in an earlier post, I've been reading through John Stott's "The Cross of Christ." I have to say out of all the books I've read over the last 2 years (and I do read quite a bit), it's been the most thought-provoking and life-changing book thus far.

My post last month was about the seemingly dichotomous concept of God's holiness and his mercy being expressed simultaneously in the ultimate act of sacrifice on the cross and how this ties into Christ's identity as our bridegroom. This post I'm going to write on thoughts of the identity of God.

If we look closely at what compelled Christ to die on the cross, it is simply man's sin. Sin is serious, separating us eternally from our Holy God. I always wondered why God doesn't simply choose to forgive our sins without substitution. After all, isn't God able to do anything? Doesn't God call us to forgive? I always explained it in my mind that if God had chosen to simply forgive us, we wouldn't understand the gravity of what we have done and we wouldn't be able to fully love Him for who He is. It's not that He can't, but that he chooses not to. However, Stott addresses this issue and points out that although God is not bound by external rules, He must stay consistent with who He is. He is unable to act out of character because He is our consistant and eternal God. If He were to act inconsistently with his character, He would cease to be who He is. John Stott put it well when he said that "we have to deny or disown everything within us which is false to our true humanity. But there is nothing in God which is incompatible with his true deity, and therefore nothing to deny. It is in order to be our true selves that we have to deny ourselves; it is because God is never other than his true self that he cannot and will not deny himself." (p. 128). God chose the cross because His holiness would not allow sin to go unpunished, but His love would not see us bear the weight of the punishment.

This being said, I think of the verse from "Before the Throne of God Above": "And on that cross where Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied." On the cross, it was the wrath of God that was satisfied. When I was a little girl, I used to put a hierarchy on the power of Biblical characters. God was at the top; after all, our God was the creator of the Universe. However, Satan came in as a close second. I thought that Satan was the reason for the cross, that the havoc he wreaked on earth caused God much pain and suffering, and he set events in motion to defeat Jesus through the pain of the cross. Now I understand that although Satan facilitated the first sinful act, it was man himself that allowed sin to enter into the world. The cross wasn't a victory against Satan. It wasn't a scheme that Satan put into place to defeat God. It wasn't to satisfy Satan. The cross satisfied God's wrath. The story isn't a conflict between Satan and God; it is a conflict between man and God. Again, it was rebellion against God that incurred God's wrath and it was His love that led to the cross. This is so freeing because it takes Satan out of the equation, it demotes him in terms of power, and it turns my face and attention toward God and God alone. (This is not to deny that Satan is active on this earth and that spiritual warfare is real and serious, but this is to recognize the soverignty and power of God).

I guess what I'm left chewing on right now is the concept of the trinity. What does it mean to be three in one? Jesus is God's only son who chose to die on the cross for us. It's easy to look at it and feel that God found an easy way out by sacrifice a separate person, "Jesus," although precious to Him, to be our lamb. But the Bible repeatedly claims that God himself chose to die for us. That it is God - in Jesus - who took our punishment. How can they be separate yet one? There is so much more to learn and understand. Until then, I can only trust that it is.

Either way, man's biggest stumbling block is the need to admit that we are not able to pay for our own sins, that salvation is a free gift that we do not deserve. To accept this truth requires humility and a recognition that God alone, and not ourselves, has the right to be Lord.

On a separate train of thought...

As I'm studying for the Psych GRE, I've been thinking about the concept of congruency by Carl Jung. Jung was the father of analytic psychology (which branched from psychodynamic theories - Freud), and focused on the self and self-concept. According to Jung, everyone has a concept of who he or she is. This self-concept varies in how congruent it is with who the person really is. The more congruent self-concept is with the real self, the more mentally healthy the person is. The more incongruent, the more events and circumstances question the person's self-concept, and the more psychological disturbances he or she experiences. But then, in studies of people with depression, those with depression often have a realistic sense of self-efficacy and who he/she is while those healthy have an elevated sense of self-efficacy and identity.

On one hand, therapy focuses on helping clients see themselves for who they are and be able to grow and learn from reality (increasing realistic self-concept and thus, congruency). On the other hand, therapists recognize that it is good to have an elevated sense of self-efficacy to prevent depression.

I read this and think, how many problems in this world could be solved if only we could all turn to the cross.

1. We wouldn't have incongruence between our self-concept and our real self because we would gain our source of identity from our creator who knows us better than ourselves, who knows who He created us to be, and who loves us unconditionally.
2. We could see ourselves realistically and not have to fall into depression because we are able to admit that no, we are not perfect, yes, we have so many faults and failures, but that it's okay because we are human and God is everything when we are nothing.
3. Also, knowing that most people have an elevated sense of self-efficacy helps me to realize that I'm not worse off than everyone around me even though it may feel that way sometimes. We are all human and we are all inadequate, but it is through the grace of God that we are deserving of the inheritance He has promised us. Thus, we must be able to show the same grace and mercy to each other that we ourselves have been shown.

Realizing this really motivates me to work toward a PhD in Clinical Psych as well as a MTS (Masters of Theological Studies) and be able to use the principles of the cross to influence both my practice as a clinicians and my theories as a researcher!

A Slice of Humble Pie

I had a good Thanksgiving. The food turned out well, the company was great. =) The weekend was oh-too-short but still restful. I also finished *almost* all of my Christmas shopping and bought myself a nice black blazer for $9 marked down from $80.

This weekend was just a good time to reflect on character and grace toward one another. I do have a tendency to be hard on people and to see only their faults. Yet two things have humbled me recently. First is my studying for the Psych GRE. The difficult thing about studying Psychology and people's personalities and/or dysfunctions is that oftentimes you end up studying yourself. I realized one day that I was reading about myself and that the picture was not attractive. I realized that trait that I value in others and myself can be both positive and negative, and lately I've been using those traits negatively. Second is my boyfriend. One thing I've learned is that relationships bring out the best and worst in people and act as one of the most accurate reflectors of who we are. I realized recently that the areas I thought I've matured in still need a lot of work. I've newly discovered a lot of selfishness and self-centeredness in my thinking and my desires. Truth is freeing, but is also accompanied by shame (which precedes repentence) and conviction. I realize that I cannot judge and I cannot criticize outside of mutual and loving disciple/accountability with the body Christ. I should not vent about others because venting is gossip disguised as false concern which only serves to fuel negative feelings toward others around me. I cannot deny others the grace that I myself ask of them.

All these realizations left me feelings pretty crappy about myself until I read Psalm 3. Because we know that David was "a man after God's own heart," we fail to truly appreciate David's faith and confidence. Although David had prophets to point him in the right direction from time to time, his interactions with God probably looked much like ours do today. I wonder if he ever questioned his calling to be king, especially when some hated him and wanted to kill him. Despite that, he was able to cling to incredible hope and faith and say "You are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glorly on me and lift up my head." The Lord is the lifter of our heads. I may feel crappy and realize the extent of my faults. Still, the Lord is the lifter of my head. The Lord has seen and continues to see all our shortcomings, andHe is strong when we are weak. I can go forward confidently knowing that I am called by God and that He is my shield, my strength, and my keeper. I will not cheapen the cross by denying the freedom He has bought me. I will not trivialize his majesty and holiness by failing to recognize the soveriengty of His plans and the steadfastness of His character. What a tremendous peace we can gain from knowing our God!

On a lighter note, I cooked this for my man yesterday:

In return, he bought me a bouquet of beautiful and aromatic lillies. I don't have a digital camera, but I found a picture of lillies that look just like the ones sitting on my bookcase. =)

Tis the season...

...to be sick. After much denial, (AND after surviving a weekend of low-energy, moodiness, and clammy hands), I have to admit that I may be sick. I figure, I'll stick it out one more day at work and rest majorly at the parentals this weekend.

I'm pretty excited about Thanksgiving. The Kwang family is having a real feast this year (never been done!) along with the Chiangs. I'm trying out new recipes and making Apricot/Cranberry Chutney for the meal and a Pumpkin Roll for dessert.

I have to gush about my coworkers. They saw that I was in a bad/sad/sick mood today and dragged me out to the mall for our lunch break so I could walk around and look at the sales. Although I ended up not buying anything, it was just a good break from the usual monotony and it was fun to window shop. Unfortunately, I really wasn't supposed to take a lunch break today, but I realized that none of my superiors at work were in today. My coworkers are such wonderful people - one of them is even bringing some spices into work for me for my Thanksgiving recipes so I don't have to buy the ridiculously expensive McCormick Spices. I definitely need to make a point of spending more time with them. After the Psych GRE, maybe...

Little update on my life...

I was going to post on all my thoughts of late yet I feel like life has moved too fast this past week for me to think...I will make it a priority this week to just spend some time alone and process.

I felt like I was getting to the point where I have so many scattered responsibilities that the results were becoming just that: scattered. Details are beginning to slip my mind and to the point where I'd remember to do something and forget to follow through a mere 5 minutes later. Part of it I realize is the lack of reliance on God (isn't it so easy how we fall into that?!?) in the midst of my busyness.

These past 2 weeks were weeks of conflict yet through it all I've grown closer to those around me and learned more about who I am and where I need to mature and grow. So with all the heartache and friction, it was a good two weeks overall.

I'm growing closer to my co-workers which has been a huge blessing. Besides, it adds to the working experience. Today they abducted me to their office so we could hang out.

It'll be a busy yet fun week this week. I'm looking forward to the Harry Potter Movie Marathon as well as going to see Harry Potter Goblet of Fire opening night. Other highlights approaching are the Pops Concert on Sunday.

For now, I will leave you with this picture:



If you do not know why Rob has an apple on his head, this is who he was for Halloween:



It won him the costume contest. =D

The Cross of Christ

My mind is still racing with thoughts that came up from some major events over the last week and also the Scriptural studies we did during InterVarsity's Cross-Training retreat this past weekend. Being an external processor, I'm attempting to piece together some of my thoughts on this blog. I apologize in advance for the incoherency.

Since my trip to The International House of Prayer last December, Christ has been continually revealing His identity to me as my bridegroom and the lover of my soul. This is the Man whose heart is ravished by my one glance (Song of Songs 4:9). This is the Man who's numbered the hairs on my head (Matt 10:30) and who collects my every thought and bottles up my every tear. This is the Man who has designed His creation and purpose to lead to the glorious day in Heaven when He will be united with His bride, the spotless and blameless church (Rev 21).

This journey to discover Him as a Bridegroom has now brought me face to face with the harsh reality of the Cross. I always thought I had to balance the loving nature of God with the just nature. That the merciful and angry God were two different facets of the same God. That Christ, the romancer, and Christ, our substitute, were also two distinct identities of our Messiah. But I can't separate those identities anymore; they are one and the same. The cross is the ultimate act of love and sacrifice for us.

Jesus is the Man who is so perfect and holy that the least of my sins is enough to separate me from Him for eternity. Yet God loves us so much that he desired deeply to redeem us. He searched for the perfect spotless lamb whose blood could be spilled to pay the penalty for our sins....and He found only One who could do so: His beloved, only Son.

Reading the The Cross of Christ by John Stott is leading me to think more deeply about what the sacrifice of Christ entailed. Four points Stott brought up in Chapter 3 are such foundational truths that I've taken them for granted my whole life. Here I rehash the four points adding onto them my own thoughts and understanding of the points.

1. Christ died for us. He did not need to die. He had no reason to die other than the fact that He did it for our sakes.
2. Christ died to bring us to God. Our sins separate us from God, but through Christ's death this separation is no longer. Call it redemption or salvation (negative and positive ways of looking at it,) we are now able to encounter God through Christ our mediator.
3. Christ died for our sins. This is something we say so often. But when we realize that our sins nailed Christ to the cross, it causes us to realize the gravity of the very sins we spend our days rationalizing away. Sin is serious. Although Christ chose to go to the cross, although physically it was Judas, Caiaphas, Pilate, and the soldiers who nailed Him to the cross (although upon closer investigation, for the trials to continue as unlawfully as it did, a repeat of what happened would be next to impossible), it was our sin that led to Christ's choosing to be beaten, to be mocked, to be humiliated, and to be nailed on the cross. (This leads to another train of thought on grace...I'll post on this topic another day).
4. Christ died our death. This leads to my next train of thought:

In Philippians 2 we find the infamous Christ Hymn (this also leads to another train of thought on Lordship...I'll post on this topic another day). This weekend our studied highlighted the fact that our Christ, perfect God, humbled himself through becoming man, and not just man but servant, and not just servant but He died a criminal's death. I often asked myself why the cross? And what's so significant about the cross? Martyrs later on died equivalent physical deaths; in fact, Peter was hung upside down. Why did this particular death matter? In the past, I thought it a matter of humility. The cross was historically reserved for the worst of criminals; it was illegal to crucify a Roman citizen. Symbolically, the cross was the worst physical death known to man and so this was the death that was chosen. This death was completely undeserved by Jesus who was innocent of all wrong. I thought that this was why it was enough to redeem our sins. But His perfection was only part of the story. The punishment He bore is the other. Christ died our death. Yes, the physical pain was almost unbearable. But looking at the account of His death in scripture, it wasn't until the cry "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" that Jesus uttered words of pain. What is so significant about the cross is that on it, Jesus suffered complete and utter separation from God. From my understanding, no one alive in history has ever experienced this separation from God. THIS is the ultimate punishment for our sins, and not the physical death of the cross. Jesus experienced the pain of separation from God so that we did not have to. Through His death he offered us life. He's willing to look at us in the fullness all our sin (knowing full well that these very sins were the cause of His pain and sacrifice) and speak to God on our behalf claiming our sins as His own: bought and paid for. All this, so that He could spend eternity with us (leading to another thought on unity...).

What love is this! Who is this Man that would love me so? Praise be to Jesus, the glorious Lamb and Bridegroom. Amen.

Me and Emily dearest

The dear girl's costume was made 100% out of duct tape...including the shoes and jewelry.